Your “premium” is bullshit

Imagine you’re an advertising guru with a product to market. You want the customers to know that it’s a quality product.

Quick: What word do you pick to describe it? If I’ve succeeded in priming you with the title of this post, you’ve picked “premium,” haven’t you?

Congratulations: You suck!

“Premium” is an awful marketing term. Just the worst. It really shouldn’t be, but it is.

Here’s what marketers think they’re saying: “This product is built with quality materials and is superior to our competitor’s products.”

Here’s what most of us hear: I…don’t know, actually. The word “premium” doesn’t really tell me much. Oh, I know that the literal definition is “of a high quality,” but what does that mean in a marketing context, exactly? It can mean so many things that it effectively means nothing at all.

First off, every damn thing is “premium” nowadays. We have premium cat food, premium toothpicks, premium toilet paper to wipe your butt with, and premium hemorrhoids cream for that same butt (one must assume).

Did your dog just take a dump on your neighbor’s lawn? Not to worry: Pick it up with a premium dog waste bag. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? Feast your eyes on this:

Premium Dog Waste Bags

Look at it! I said “LOOK AT IT”!

Secondly, whenever you use the word “premium,” you almost always actually mean something else, something more specific. Like when you say that your Genital Masher 250 is “premium,” you actually mean that it’s made of soft but durable materials that will caress our nether regions without disintegrating into nothingness from our vigorous exertions. (Also, don’t ever name your sex toy Genital Masher 250.)

So how about just using that other description instead of “premium.” What does it mean that a plastic bag for picking up dog poo is “premium”? Is it tear proof, so that I won’t get my dog’s doggy-doo on my fingers? Then tell me that. Is the bag made from finest-quality Chinese silk and engraved with a tailored monogram, so that I’m the envy of all the other waste bag connoisseurs? I need to know!

You can almost always say it better. In fact, most of us will probably welcome a more detailed description.

Dog Bag Details

Dog waste will murder your family!

Well, I stand corrected.

6 thoughts on “Your “premium” is bullshit

  1. My first thought was premium dog food because every dog food is “premium”. Dogs are always the last to know really… cause they think cat poop is premium. And you know, maybe cat poop is premium. I haven’t tested it out. So if dogs think it’s premium- I’m gonna take their word for it.
    After all- the waste bags for dog poop are premium and maybe that’s cause dogs eat cat poop. Made you think there didn’t I? My job here is done.

    Another premium post Daniel! You are the premiest!


    • Holy dog poop. What if dogs are the ones actually responsible for marketing most of our stuff?! That would explain so much!

      This was most definitely a premium comment that triggered some seriously premium thoughts. Premium!


  2. Hmm, I hadn’t noticed this before. Now I’ll be looking for the word everywhere. With everything labeled as premium, advertisers will have to shoot for the next level. What will that be? Superior? The Most Awesome? The Super-De-Dooper? Time will tell…


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