Let’s get this out of the way: I’m not a cat killer. In case anyone was wondering.
I don’t have anything against cats. I’m not a cat-ist. Some of my best friends are cats.
In fact, I have two cats at home. I buy stuff for my cats. I’m a pretty good cat…haver…person.
However, I recently realized that the way I talk to my cats could be…misconstrued. You see, I love the little bastards. How could I not? Just look at them:
But my language doesn’t always reflect this love. No sir. Every once in a while, I tend to issue elaborate threats that I have no intention of carrying out.
For example, I regularly tell Django that I’ll chop off his legs and make a snake out of him. True story. I literally say that. I threaten to de-limb my cat.
Occasionally, while Django’s lying down, I even grab his shoulders and push him forward in a zigzagging motion so as to simulate snake movements. My wife usually finds this amusing, so we’re basically both going to Hell.
Other times, I tell the cats I’ll play Tetris with parts of their body. I’m basically Saw‘s Jigsaw, but with cats. I also vaguely recall once informing Pebbles that she’d be hanged by the tail from a lamp post outside.
A few days ago, my wife went to the built-in shed on our balcony and left the door open behind her. Django started to slowly creep toward the open door, knowing full well that he wasn’t allowed to do so.
I yelled something innocent at him, like “I’ll kiiiiill you!” or something along those lines. My wife came back and informed me that my voice carried well and was probably heard by multiple people outside.
That got me wondering what our neighbors must think of me. I’m pretty sure they’ve heard at least some of my raging outbursts and threats of bodily harm. Do they think I’m a lunatic? Or some guy who’s having traumatic flashbacks? What if they think I have kids and am yelling at them? Would that be better or worse than the actual explanation? I just don’t know.
So just for the record, neighbors: I don’t murder cats. Most of the days, we’re a pretty regular family with perfectly alive cats. Here’s proof:
See? The cats look very happy and not at all reluctant or sad in that picture!
Oh God…what happens when we become parents?!
7 thoughts on “I’m not a cat killer”
I imagine your neighbors smile and giggle and know exactly what a big heart both of you have.
Your family portrait is adorable.
Here’s a pic of Jeff with one of our five kitties. (Sorry- but you asked for it by sharing your love of cats.)
I’m not so sure, Pam. The downstairs neighbors don’t read my blog. They don’t talk to me. We barely see each other. They may very well be under the impression that I’m an unrestrained ball of vicious hatred.
And that’s a super sweet picture of Jeff and the cat. Notice how the cat is actually making eye contact and not looking like it’d rather be anywhere else in the world? Yeah…now compare that to our picture! (Although, yes, I do have other, more successful ones.)
You’ll threaten your kids too… and add the threat ‘and I’ll make another one just like you… after I bury you in the back yard’… cute cats, hope the neighbors didn’t think you were yelling at your wife… you better hope she doesn’t run away from home with a handsome stranger… the neighbors will turn you in for murdering her.
Damn, isn’t that half the plot of Gone Girl? Let’s hope I’m never a suspect. I don’t have Ben Affleck’s charms.
And yeah, I’m sure my kids are in for a verbal treat as well.
Those cats look like they’re eyeing escape routes! You better hope your neighbors aren’t recording your feline threats. If cats around the neighborhood go missing, you’ll be the first suspect…
Little do those cats know: There is no escape! Ha…Hahhaha….HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAAA!
I’m…going to go pretend to not be a raging psychopath now.
Oh please, don’t stop being a raging psychopath on my behalf.