Yeah. So this happened, apparently.
A Nebraskan woman named Sylvia Driskell has just filed a lawsuit that will go down in history. Or not.
Driskell is suing gay people for being gay. Not a specific gay couple, mind you. Gay people. Like, all of them.
I once talked about my take on Russia’s gay laws in this post.
But Driskell is aiming higher! She wants the court to clearly rule that homosexuality is, in fact, a sin. I do believe it was the eleventh commandment that unequivocally stated, “Thou shalt not gay!” Now it’s just a minor matter of getting a quick official ruling.
This is delightfully ambitious, for a number of reasons:
1. Driskell is single-handedly taking on a sizable chunk of the world’s population.
2. She believes to be the ambassador for God himself and also for Jesus Christ, because at that point—why not?
3. She’s convinced that the US District Court of Omaha is equipped to make a definitive judgement on God’s behalf.
4. Her filing consists of seven pages of handwritten text. Seven. Pages. Of handwritten text.
Who uses handwritten anything in 2015?! How many people still know how to write by hand? How many have the sheer willpower to go through that much handwriting? The last time I tried a handwritten assignment, I passed out from exhaustion midway through the second paragraph and eventually slipped into a coma that I’m not entirely sure I have even returned from. Say what you want, but that’s goddamn impressive!
Now, I’m pretty sure that nothing will come out of this. First, there’s a clear separation of church and state in America. Second, being gay is not a criminal offense. Third, the whole lawsuit is more batshit insane than a stranger on the bus pelting other passengers with tiny Pokemon figurines made out of ferret hair. OK, no, that ferret hair thing is crazier. Still, Driskell, don’t expect anyone to take your nutbaggy letter seriously. You’re no celestial ambassador. You don’t even have the special cape!
On the other hand, I would love to see an official response from a real judge. In handwriting. That’d be fantastic.
Granted, there’s a good chance this letter is a prank and there is no Sylvia Driskell in the first place. But guess what? The joke’s on you, anonymous prankster. You’re the one who had to sit through the ordeal of writing seven pages of text by hand.
Enjoy your coma.