It’s June, isn’t it? We’re long overdue for yet another search term roulette, aren’t we? Rhetorical questions get annoying pretty quickly, don’t they?
I haven’t forgotten my sacred duty to deliver the quarterly search term digest. Don’t you worry. I may be a father now, but I know where my priorities lie!
And so…here are some more kooky search terms that, against all odds, led people to my blog:
1. Why less white rappers?
Most white rappers have a genetic disadvantage when it comes to dealing with the adverse effects of global warming. Their skin is incapable of adapting quickly enough to stop the creeping “lizard pigmentation syndrome” and their larynxes are negatively impacted by the buildup of warm air in the atmosphere. Unfortunately, no cure has presently been identified, so we can expect this sad tendency to continue for some time.
2. Is a guy look geek when wear glasses?
You’re being silly! How can you even wear glasses? Do you attach duct tape to the bottom of each individual glass and then wrap it around your head? Won’t it be pretty painful to then take them off? What if they’re wine glasses? Looks like someone hasn’t done their homework here!
3. Stupid lady
The person using this search term returned to the blog for three days in a row. While I admire their persistence, I cannot help but wonder what it is they so desperately sought. Whatever it was, I hope my blog could offer them some solace. A quantum, at least.
4. Gender equality has don mor harm dan good
It certainly has done pretty serious harm to the part of your brain that deals with grammar.
5. What does muglee-guglee mean?
A random word you just made up to mess with my head? A search engine used by Muggles in Harry Potter & The Interconnected World Of Screens? A terrible cocktail made with eggnog and Tabasco sauce? Am I getting close?
6. How to tell if Adriana is spamming you?
One of the signs is that your inbox is filled with multiple irrelevant emails from someone named “Adriana.” There may also be other ways to crack this difficult puzzle.
7. Hands down best white rap lyricist to never put out an album?
Wicked Mr. Foxtrot. MC T-Raps. HashThug. Haven’t heard of any of them, so that’re pretty good guesses.
8. Reason to date glasses girl…
Let me tell ya a few reasons you’d wanna date glasses, boy!
For one, glasses are cheap dates. They don’t order any food or desert in restaurants. They barely ever wear jewelry.
Plus, you can just throw them in your suitcase and take them wherever you go. Last time I tried that with a human date, it was all “let me out, Daniel” this and “I can’t breathe” that and “oh God, please, please, please just let me out of here!” Nag nag nag. You’ll never get this kind of attitude from glasses.
9. Can a djinn give superpowers?
Don’t be ridiculous. Start living in the real world. Everyone knows a djinn can’t give you superpowers. At best, he can maybe make you a prince for a week or so and give you a magic carpet to fly on, but superpowers? That’s just nuts!
10. Junk emails from random girls?
No thanks, but I appreciate the offer!
11. Today’s guests on street signs.
Jon Stewart’s radical “Today I hang my guests” segment was shockingly unpopular.
12. In the field of plastic surgery what does “frown face” mean?
Oh, that “frown face”?! That’s just when a plastic surgeon attempts liposuction and the resulting leftover skin bunches together to form a crude human face with that resembles a frowning smiley. This is probably a good time to tell you that I’m not a medical professional.
13. Sexiest reply during sex.
But only if your partner initiates the game by saying “Marco” first. Otherwise, that’s probably not the best thing to yell.
14. How to reply to nudes?
There are actually a few acceptable answers. “Sir, I do say you seem awfully clothless today!” is one. “Is that a naked penis pointing at me, or are you just happy to see me?” is another. Relentless shrieking could also work.
15. Naked suit costume
Okay. Naked suit I can understand. Naked costume I can understand. What’s a “naked suit costume”? Is it a costume of a naked suit? How does a suit get naked? Is it something you wear when you only want to pretend to be wearing a naked suit? I have so many questions, maybe I can Google it!
16. Pouring manure down your pants…
…is actually my 174th most favorite hobby!
17. Picture of sad face which turned upside down is happy
Your search for “child on a loop-the-loop” has returned 1,728,091 results. Please narrow your search parameters.
18. Cereal looks like wagon wheel
That is true. All cereal looks like wagon wheel. There are no exceptions to this rule. It’s scientifically impossible to design another shape for cereal, but I have absolute trust that future technologies will lead to a breakthrough in this field.
19. Funny photos of people make stupid things with wording
Wait a second. Let me find one. Ah, here it is:
20. Goodmrning SMS to make ur guy get a erection
Are you crazy?! Who sends erection SMSs in the morning?! The guy has to go to work and meet people. What kind of a monster are you?!
21. Is tuna eyeball good for you?
Absolutely. A tuna eyeball is the perfect replacement for a glass eye, which, in turn, is a great replacement for not having an eye. If you already have an eye, a tuna eyeball can be turned into a cute pendant.
22. How to draw a meteor?
Take a pen in your hand. Place the tip of the pen gently onto a blank piece of paper. Now, carefully move the pen in a way that results in lines and patterns. Continue this process until these lines and patterns resemble a meteor. Congratulations: You have now drawn a meteor!
23. Saying “if you want to know the easiest way to do something”
Shaking head in bewilderment.
24. Sexy things to reply to “im always ready”
How about: “Oh yeah?! Well, are you ready for the sexy sex with the sexings, you sex sexer?!” Man, I’m just so, so very awful at this.
25. A weapon for self defence to shock the villane
Have you tried shocking them with an unexpected piece of news or trivia that shatters their assumptions about the world?
“Did you know that an ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain?!” BOOM! Villain’s mind? Blown! Figuratively.