North Korea is many things to many people: a country in Asia, a militaristic dictatorship, a consistent winner of the annual “Worst Family Vacation Spot” award. What you wouldn’t expect North Korea to be is an active participant in the global social media conversation.
And you’d be right—it isn’t, really. Not for lack of trying, but because North Korea’s official Twitter account is a laughably misguided attempt at shouting propaganda into the uncaring void of cyberspace. You know that local drunk who shows up on your street at 4 o’clock in the morning to yell obscenities at the wall for a few hours? The one who’s convinced the US government is building a satellite network that will turn all of our brains into delicious strawberry jam?
North Korea’s Twitter account is a lot like that. Except it’s run by an actual country. And it’s online. For all of us to follow and enjoy. Almost all tweets are thinly veiled threats against North Korea’s many enemies and usually spill well over 140 characters, which you’ll notice is the opposite of how Twitter’s meant to work.
Somehow, despite the fact that I’m pretty sure that accessing the Internet is punishable by instant self-decapitation in North Korea, the account has almost 19,000 followers. Who are these people? They can’t be regular North Koreans. Are they top-level North Korean officials? World leaders that want real-time insight into what Kim Jong-un is thinking? Dennis Rodman clones?
We’ll never know. What we do know is that there’s a parallel, English language Twitter account that adds yet another layer of hilarity to what’s already a nutty, stream-of-consciousness flood of incomprehensible-yet-aggressive gibberish. Whether it’s run by North Korea itself or is the brainchild of a comedy enthusiast with a Google Translate fetish, the account is filled with poor translations of North Korea’s official tweets.
And it’s amazing. Here:
I’m pretty sure North Korea just asked South Korea out on a date.
One that’s expected to end in severe heartbreak.
Phew, it’s a good thing you added that follow-up tweet with “…products.”
I was afraid you were some warmongering lunatics who’d threaten to eradicate all others on Twitter. Oh, wait.
See? That’s what I’ve always said. Japan’s not even a “blimding” carrier, as far as I’m concerned!
Yeah. Kerry’s always peeking at the world through a hollow window. What a creep.
You’re right, nobody will see you seriously.
From what I can tell, this is a poetic ode to the IRS, or “great men of the tax,” as they’re affectionately called.
In other words: Much bountiful harvest fortunate country brings in 50 percent of potential population increase.
“Odor from the mouth to the ruins” would make an excellent catchphrase for a Mentos commercial.
Best 50 Shades Of Grey fan fiction I’ve ever read.
North Korea has stolen the very concept of time from the US. Check and mate.
Man. I get Viagra spam that’s more coherent, less filthy, and more concise than this.
That. That was beautiful.
Definitely. Masturbation will bring utopia, stability, and blah blah. I have no doubt about it.
Until proven otherwise, I’ll go ahead and assume all of these tweets were personally typed by Kim Jong-un himself, slouching over his keyboard with a Korean-to-English dictionary from 1951. Please don’t offer me any other explanations! I don’t want to hear them. The picture in my head is perfect just the way it is.