Newborn babies have very poor motor skills. You’ll never see an infant skillfully juggling knives. If you do, that infant is almost certainly the Antichrist. You’ll do well to avoid eye contact and retreat to the safety of another plane of existence.
What’s even worse, newborns can’t walk. At all. Their only means of locomotion are deafening screams that coerce their parents to relocate them. As such, parents can benefit from using a baby carrier. But not every baby carrier is going to help you. Some will actively make you and your baby miserable. They’ll steal your clothes, eat the food from your fridge, and…oh wait, I’m thinking of my ex-roommate. Point is: Your baby carrier needs to fit your needs.
Below, I provide a list of thoroughly tested baby carriers. “Thoroughly tested” hereby means my wife and I have at one point briefly tried placing Nathan into each one of these carriers. Are you looking for a new baby carrier? If so, this list will do nothing to help you, because it’s poorly researched and 100% biased.
Here you go: five reviews that are guaranteed to absolutely not help you find the right baby carrier.
1. Baby wrap
Source: Amazonas Baby World
What is it?
It’s an oversized scarf. Shut up, that’s all it really is. You unpack the scarf (shut up, it’s a scarf), wonder why you’ve spent 50 dollars on a giant piece of fabric, tie it around your body, then stuff the baby in there.
Why it’s awesome
It’s flexible. You can tie the wrap in 473 different ways. It’s also pretty damn comfortable. It wraps naturally around your baby and supports its back. If I were a baby, I’d probably describe it as, “Goo goo ga ga *gurgle *gurgle.” Nathan seems to love it and tends to fall asleep soon after he’s placed inside.
Why it sucks
Tying the wrap is tricky. You’re practically guaranteed to strangle yourself while figuring it out. Also, if you generate lots of body heat, you and the baby will soon turn into a mobile sauna. If you don’t like leaving a trail of sweat wherever you go, this might not be for you.
Final score
8 accidental asphyxiations out of 10
2. Baby carrier
Source: BabyBjörn
What is it?
It’s a fixed shape, backpack-like contraption. You wear it on your shoulders and place the baby inside.
Why it’s awesome
If you’ve ever worn a backpack, you already know how to use it.
Why it sucks
Cramming a baby inside a Baby Björn is like forcing Steven Seagal into a Pringles can. Everyone’s going to get hurt in the process. The carrier has a pretty rigid shape, so it’s not going to do much to accommodate your baby’s unique features. The girl in the above picture? That’s her permanent body shape now. She’ll have to scuttle sideways like a crab for the rest of her days. Upon trying this thing, Nathan told us to fuck off via a series of succinct shrieks.
Final score
3 spinal adjustments out of 10
3. Hybrid baby carrier
Source: Manduca
What is it?
It’s also a baby carrier that you wear like a backpack, but the part where the baby goes is as flexible as a wrap.
Why it’s awesome
It combines the best of both worlds. It’s easy enough for a wrap-challenged person like myself to figure out. It also wraps gently around your baby, like a cocoon made of clouds baked inside the dreams of a unicorn.
Why it sucks
The overheating problem is still there, so it’s not great for prolonged use on a warm day.
Final score
9 unicorn rainbows out of 10
4. Shoulder sling carrier
Source: Baba Slings
What is it?
It’s a sling that goes over one shoulder, like a satchel. Put the baby inside the sling and pretend you’re Indiana Jones while you’re at it.
Why it’s awesome
It sucks.
Why it sucks
Who thought this was a good idea? Seriously. I want to know their name. I want to look them in the eye and see the madness that compels someone to invent such an insult to common sense. This thing has no balance or weight distribution. All the force is on a single shoulder. It’s the quickest way to turn yourself into a homegrown Quasimodo. The baby just dangles there, trapped inside a hammock that doesn’t have any room to swing yet prevents them from actually having any contact with you.
Nathan took one look at this abomination and shed a few silent tears. He was probably just disappointed his parents would ever seriously consider using it. All children eventually learn that their parents aren’t flawless. Nathan had that realization at three months.
Final score
2 salty baby tears out of 10
5. Your arms
What is it?
It’s your own arms. Duh.
Why it’s awesome
Most of us come pre-equipped with this carrying system right out of the box. You scoop the baby up, and off you go. You may also improve your muscle strength over time.
Why it sucks
Unless you’re an octopus, using this method will drastically reduce your ability to manipulate objects and perform many basic tasks. Also, let’s face it: If you wanted to build muscles, you’d be in the gym instead of reading useless baby carrier reviews on the Internet.
Final score
5 tired limbs out of 10
Nest Expressed 
This did not help me in the slightest. In fact, it added to my problems. You really should have trigger warned that one needs their own baby before they start testing out the best baby carrier. Turns out the one in the stroller near the “Prices Slashed” sign in the Wal-Mart was not, in fact, up for sale.
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They should really put signs on those things. It’s an honest mistake, but then everyone’s like “kidnapping” this and “stop that crazy idiot with the baby” that. People are so sensitive these days!
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Great post, Daniel – it had me giggling like a girly throughout. Many years ago I tried harness number 2 with my baby son, but I felt a little prick (in more ways than one) and abandoned the idea within a fortnight.
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Ha. Indeed, these things are basically child endangerment. Glad you liked the post!
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It’s hilarious – watching you adjust to fatherhood. But I know you’ll make it. You have found the right balance between laughing your troubles away and still managing to appear sane. Your kid will thank you for it, one day, when you’ll smile through gritted teeth at his latest artistic rendition of unicorn clouds… or was it dreams… on his freshly painted nursery walls. Just… keep us in the loop. 😀
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True, laughing troubles away is a great strategy. But appearing sane is just a giant ruse. Don’t believe it for a second!
The trick will be to keep this charade going once Nathan starts dealing out real damage. May God have mercy on us all.
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I now know things I never knew I needed to know. I know, right?
Love your reviews. You should be getting requests for baby supplies left, right and centre now!
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Some things you don’t know you’re better of not knowing you don’t know, if you know what I mean. Glad you liked them. I’m sure I’ll soon be swamped by all sorts of advertising offers and request for Hollywood movie appearances!
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And this is just baby carriers. Think of all the other baby paraphernalia out there you’ll have to mess with. In fact, you could start a new series on this issue alone! The good news is, babies grow, and soon carriers become a thing of the past. Then you get to deal with the roving toddler who refuses to stay in his/her stroller. That’s lots of fun too.
Loved your rating scales!
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New review series? Good idea. Then I can waste people’s time in even more ways.
I dread the day Nathan is able to move on his own. Containing the damage will get exponentially more difficult. I should research baby straight jackets.
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Ha, yes, that shouldn’t get you in trouble with child protective services at all. 😉
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