Our three-week family trip to Czech Republic is coming to an end. While you wait for me to return, enjoy this quarterly “Search Term Roulette,” where I look at some of the weird search terms that bring people to my blog.

1. Is hair spray just as good as bug spray?

Better, actually. The last time I tried using bug spray on my hair, I passed out and woke up in Andorra with a suitcase full of severed doll fingers. I find that using hairspray minimizes this side effect.

2. Let your frown face upside down gal means

It means someone was using a terrible pick up line, gal. Also, turning a frown upside down makes zero sense.

3. To fuck

“…or not to fuck? That is the question.” – Hamlet

“…is human.” – Alexander Pope

“…a mockingbird.” – World Association for Ornithological Fetishes

4. WTF nudity

Yeah, nudity! What’s your problem?! There I am, browsing the Internet, trying to get some work down. Then, BOOM, you’re all up in my face on banner ads and “Sexy Girls In Your Area” pop-ups. WTF, nudity?!

5. The worst cover of all time

Centuries-old papyrus? Cellophane? Or are you talking about album covers? Google laughs at your failure to be specific.

6. Funny sexy picture dirty

You, sir, have no idea what you want.

7. Have superpowers with this spells that works for real

Green Lantern’s post-fame days as a door-to-door salesman didn’t turn out nearly as fun as he’d imagined.

8. Can My Life dolls haunt you?

Me? No. I’m immune to doll haunting after having written way too many articles on the subject. But can they haunt you? Absolutely. In fact, it’s now almost guaranteed that they will.

9. Why are you so sexy text?

Probably because it’s Courier New Bold Italic. So much hotter than Times New Roman Regular.

10. Funny response to wearing no underwear comment

Nope. Not going down that path again. I’ve gotten kicked out of 17 job interviews like this.

11. Do women find men that wear glass?

They don’t. Men who wear glass render themselves completely invisible to women.

12. Funny car questions

“Why did a car cross the road?”
“Is that a car in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“How many cars does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

Why, yes, I am simply inserting the word “car” into cliched joke setups. But if you look deep down inside, you’ll see that you’re the one to blame for this, anonymous searcher.

13. Sexy pic request

Polite decline response

14. Best trolling riddle

If we banned guns and gave everyone free healthcare, how many church abortions would gay cake makers have? Happy trolling!

15. Dance moves for “Hooked on a feeling”

Shockingly, I actually have a relevant post for that.