Hi there, stranger. Have you heard of baby wipes?

Sure you have!

They’re wipes for babies. They come in a convenient package that holds lots of slightly moist cleaning wipes which you pull out one by one to clean your baby’s face after a meal or butt after a meal’s aftermath.

Useful, aren’t they?

But I bet you didn’t know there are several clever life hacks that let you use these versatile wonder products to do much more than keep your offspring microbe-free. For instance:

1. Floor spills

Say you’ve spilled something on the floor. Sugar, coffee, cocaine, you name it. Don’t go for that mop just yet! Reach into your package of baby wipes and pull one out to take care of any nasty floor spills. Baby wipes are pre-moistened and will easily clean the mess.

I should know; I have 13 shipping containers filled with baby wipes standing in the parking lot of my apartment building. It’s all due to an embarrassing misunderstanding with the “Checkout” process on the manufacturer’s website.

You know what? Don’t worry about it. I don’t even know why I brought that up.

2. Dirty mirrors

Are your mirrors dirty? Are there fingerprints and droplets of toothpaste all over the place?

Normally, you’d have to use special glass spray and a dry cloth to make sure your mirrors stay clean. No more! Turn to your trusty baby wipes and let them polish up your mirrors until they’re spotless and shiny!

You’re welcome to buy some baby wipes from me, if you want. You don’t have to. It’s just an option, that’s all. I have approximately 317 tons of them waiting outside right now, as I may have already mentioned in passing. So, you know, I have plenty. Ha ha.

3. Greasy kitchen walls

This is a biggie!

You know how the kitchen wall behind your stove always gets covered with a thick layer of oil and smoke residue from all the cooking you do?

Guess what?! Simply sweeping a few baby wipes over the surface of the wall will soak up all that grease and freshen your wall right up.

On a side note, my neighbors are starting to inquire as to who the owner of the giant steel containers filled with baby wipes is. The good news is they haven’t zeroed in on me yet. So should you be in need of a few packages, give me a shout. If you buy 1,000 packs, I’ll throw in about 5,000 for free. It’s a really, really good deal. Especially when you consider…

4. Dusty computer screens

Computer screens, am I right? All that pesky dust settles on them and forms an impenetrable sheet that’s almost impossible to see through. They sell special alcohol wipes specifically for computer screens. But do you know what else can do the job? Baby wipes! Just pull one out of the package and watch it swipe the dust away.

Seriously, though. You should give me a call. I think the cops will soon get involved in tracking me down, so this is very much a limited-time offer. Hurry while supplies last! Just kidding: I have enough baby wipes to last a thousand lifetimes. Just, buy some baby wipes, won’t you? They’re so nice to have at home!

5. Brushing your teeth

Don’t laugh! You could totally do that!

I don’t mean you should replace regular toothbrushing with a baby wipes routine. That’s not what I’m saying at all. God. But if you’re travelling and have forgotten your tooth brush—voila—baby wipes to the rescue. Just rub one against your teeth to take care of the worst of it.

Also, you’d really help me out if you told your friends and family about my great discounts on baby wipes. I have just so, so many baby wipes. Enough for everyone you know and their grandchildren’s grandchildren.

6. Food

If you think about it: What are baby wipes made of? Molecules! What is food made of? Also molecules. It’s just a matter of breaking the wipes down to the basic molecules and reassembling these into a viable food item.

It could happen. That technology can’t be too far away. To be on the safe side, why not stock up on baby wipes that you can turn into delicious pizzas some years down the line?

Please order some baby wipes from me. There’s a group of very angry car owners looking for me because the shipping containers have been preventing them from parking close to their homes for what must be months now. What do you have to lose? Just place your order and make yourself and your loved ones (and me!) happy!

7. Baby wipes origami?

Why not?! Who says you can’t do that?! You can do that!

It’s just like making origami out of regular paper, except your hands will also become clean and fresh in the process. It’s a win-win, so to speak.

You know what else is a win-win? Engaging in a semi-legitimate transaction with a person you’ve never met. You have the money. He (or she) may have the product you need.

Like baby wipes, for example. Do you need baby wipes? I have baby wipes!

PLEASE BUY THEM!

Featured image credit: Mitch Bennett