Email troll: “Pssst, hey…got some superpowers, man?”

Many a moon ago, in the ancient year of 2012, yours truly penned an article about ridiculous superpowers for sale on eBay.

Most of you read the articles, chuckled about how silly it’d be if someone naively fell for buying a magic ring that allegedly granted them invisibility, and went on with your lives.

But one man dared to be different. He read the article, bravely ignored the words inside it, and contacted me about buying some superpowers.

That man’s name is Ravi, and this is the story of our brief correspondence, delivered to you in its full, unfiltered glory.

Ravi

hi sir my self Ravi m from india ..
sir ì need u product

1) VERY SPECIAL GOOD LUCK RING FULLY CHARGED!!! WEALTH LOVE SEX POWER

2) Invisibility + 7. Mind Control …

sir I want to know how can I buy this both powers , plzz mail me n send some details I realy need this power .. n important thing is il stay in india tel me how can I get this both delivery here.. plzz reply m waiting. gud day sir.

Ravi, again

hi sir this is Ravi I want this product also *Seeing The Future + 5. Spirit Control… plzz mail me waiting…. gud day sir..

Daniel

Hi Ravi,

Thank you for contacting Daniel’s All-Power Super Spell Emporium & Pizzeria.

Unfortunately, we seem to have misplaced the Invisibility ring, along with the intern who’d put it on a few month ago. We’re sure he’ll show up any day now. Please subscribe to our “Missing Staff Bulletin Board” to receive a notification when he does.

As for the VERY SPECIAL GOOD LUCK RING FULLY CHARGED, we can arrange for a transfer within 3-147 business days. Please note that due to its limited shelf life, the ring is no longer FULLY CHARGED but has only around 78% power left. As such, you cannot expect it to help you win the lottery, but it should still perform admirably in almost any casino.

We will gladly expedite the shipment of Seeing The Future ring ASAP. As an added benefit, upon receiving the ring, its powers can be used to track and trace all subsequent shipments from Daniel’s Illusionist Store of Spells, Magic, and Burgers.

Please provide the following details to help facilitate the transaction:

  1. Full name of the recipient
  2. Full name of the person who will be using the superpowers (if different from “recipient”)
  3. An audio recording (MP3 or WAV file) of you saying the word “Candyman” three times
  4. Shipping address
  5. A tiny glass vial of salty tears collected from a weeping harp seal. (Optional.)

Thanks for your interest in Daniel’s Elusive Wizardly Shop & Mexican Drive-Thru.

We appreciate your business,
Daniel

Ravi

hi sir I saw ur reply n m very glat u reply me but m not happy because I realy want Invisibility 7. Mind Control but unfortunately u didn’t have … any way can u give me other power like * Seeing The Future 5. Spirit Control. if is possible for u…

Daniel

Hi Ravi,

My apologies. I seem to have attached the “Dyslexia Magic Visual” to my last email, which rendered most of its content incomprehensible to you.

You may indeed get the other powers listed in the original message. To do so, please provide:

  1. Full name of the recipient
  2. Full name of the person who will be using the superpowers (if different from “recipient”)
  3. An audio recording (MP3 or WAV file) of you saying the word “Candyman” three times
  4. Shipping address
  5. A tiny glass vial of salty tears collected from a weeping harp seal. (Optional.)
  6. The answer to life, the universe, and everything.

Pleasure doing business with you. Please don’t hesitate to contact us at Daniel’s Mysterious Kingdom Of Spells & BBQ

Best regards,
Daniel

Ravi

sorry sir but m very disappoint for m not getting what I want.. but any way big brother u take care n have a nice day..

Daniel

Hi Ravi,

You too. Happy to hear that you enjoyed our “Great Big Disappoint” ring. Feel free to leave a Yelp review for Daniel’s Magical Land of Superpowers and Smoked Salmon.

Best of luck on your future adventures.

Daniel

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2 thoughts on “Email troll: “Pssst, hey…got some superpowers, man?”

  1. Wonderful! There’s nothing stranger than folk (as my grandma would always say).

    However, I must take issue with your relegation of ‘weeping harp seal tears’ to an optional requirement. Do you not grasp the awesome power of these salty droplets? What sort of magician are you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I didn’t want to come off as too pushy. First you hook them to your discount superpowers, THEN you make them send you harp tears. It’s like you’ve never sold anything in your life, man!

      Like

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