Dear Messrs Chairmen,
In my previous congressional testimony, I have not mentioned Donald Trump in any capacity. Due to recent developments, I am writing to supplement my previous testimony.
In connection with an unrelated case, the FBI has learned of the existence of two words that may be pertinent to describing Donald Trump. That case: a casual perusal of the English Thesaurus. The words: “infanticide” and “cannibalism.”
I am writing to inform you that the investigative team has drawn my attention to what those words mean, and I agreed that the FBI should take appropriate steps to review the words to determine whether they can be applied to the actions of Donald Trump.
We cannot, at this time, say with any degree of certainty whether Mr. Trump does indeed eagerly sink his teeth into baby flesh every morning, but it is my duty to inform you that investigation into the matter may (or may not) be warranted.
Although the FBI cannot yet assess whether or not Donald Trump is indeed a sinister child-eating cannibal, and I cannot predict how long it will take us to establish the amount of babies he might possibly consume on a daily basis, I believe it is important to update your Committees about our efforts.
James B. Comey
Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation