Silhouette of a man's face

We all know who the terrorists are

I might offend some people, but it has to be said.

I think it’s time we called a spade a spade.

It’s very clear from the recent terrorist attacks in Paris, Beirut, over Egypt, and elsewhere that all these terrorists have one thing in common:

They all wear shoes.

I know, I know. Not all people who wear shoes are terrorists. I’m not implying they are.

In fact, some of my good friends wear shoes. Many shoe-wearers are polite, considerate people like you and I.

But still…when so many shoe lovers out there are committing crimes, one has to wonder, right?

Worst of all, I didn’t hear any sneaker fans speaking out against the attacks. If they don’t agree with them, why don’t they make a public apology on behalf of all boot-wearing people everywhere? Why haven’t giant shoe peddlers like Nike and Adidas issued a statement about this? It’s quite suspicious! It’s as if they’re passively encouraging terror.

That’s why I don’t think footwear users belong in our civilized society. It’s obvious now that many of them are here to harm us. Our policy of embracing multishoeism has failed. We would be safer if they were somewhere else.

As such, I propose we deny citizenship to any person found wearing shoes. They should all go back to their home countries, wherever they may be.

You might hate me for saying this. You might even call me a shoeist. But someone had to have the courage to single out a group of people and point an angry finger at them!

Might as well be me.

***

I leave you with an older video of Reza Aslan, a man far more educated on these topics than I am, highlighting the dangers of generalizing:

You can help the victims of Paris attacks here. You can help refugees here.

Good and evil mask

On humans and monsters

Whenever tragedy strikes, we’re reminded that we live in a world of “us” and “them.” A world of humans and monsters.

Humans and monsters have nothing in common.

Humans are driven by love, compassion, and a firm belief that we all deserve to live in a better, more peaceful world. Monsters are driven by fear, hate, and willingness to hurt others in pursuit of their own goals.

To a human, every other life is precious and must be preserved. A monster thinks only the chosen few are afforded that luxury.

Humans heal, nurture, and open their hearts to those in need, whether it be a sick person or a refugee. Monsters destroy, murder, and bring suffering to those they despise, slaughtering innocents and setting asylum centers on fire.

Humans have the wisdom and courage to look past things that don’t matter—race, religion, gender—and see others as humans, too.

Monsters only see other monsters.

Perhaps the scariest part? We all have a monster lurking in us, waiting to point fingers and take anger out on others. The only difference is that humans have learned to silence that monster, while monsters have let it consume them.

Every day, you wake up with a choice: To give in to the monster or to continue being a human.

Keep making the right one.

You can help the victims of Paris attacks here. You can help refugees here.

Skull death mask Halloween

17 WTF Danish Halloween costumes: Look, giant boobies!

What is it about Halloween that makes people forget about such concepts as good taste and self-restraint?

Don’t answer that. You’re probably wearing a slutty zombie fairy costume yourself this year, aren’t you? I knew it!

People hear “Halloween,” and they go, “What a fabulous occasion to don my ‘Jar of applesauce that happens to be depressed’ suit and annoy the only friend who hasn’t shunned me yet.” Somebody has to be buying up all of the weird Halloween costumes I keep seeing in Danish online stores.

Is there a group of hipsters buying these suits ironically? Is it a supervillain who’s building an army of tackily dressed minions? Your kooky great-uncle who thinks that wearing a helmet, pouring ketchup on his face, and painting one of his teeth black to make it look like it’s not there makes for an epic Wayne Gretzky impersonation?

In any case, this is fast becoming a cherished Halloween tradition. I’ve already written not one, not seven, but exactly two posts on Danish Halloween costumes of the WTF variety. Why stop there?

Here we go with the third installment.

17. Zombie Hot Dog

Zombie Hot Dog Halloween Costume

Zombie. Hot dog. Think about that. There’s a heart-wrenching story behind this suit. It’s a giant hot dog that has but one wish in this world: to become human, to feel what humans feel. Against all odds, it gains sentience, only to get immediately bitten by some asshole zombie and turn into a shambling piece of infected sausage stuffed between two pieces of sad, soggy bread. What a cruel fate!

16. Marionette

Marionette Halloween Woman Costume

This one’s only cute until the first tragic encounter with a low-hanging ceiling fan and subsequent near-strangulation. You’ve ruined the party for everybody, Sharon!

15. Gas Mask

Gas mask Halloween costume

Gas mask. That’s it. No background or context here.

“Hey dude, what are you?”

“Gas mask.”

“I can see that, but, like – are you the last survivor of a nuclear holocaust? A safety inspector racing against the clock to fix a deadly gas leak at a toxic weapons factory? Resident of Earth in the year 2371 when our atmosphere is mostly methane and residual fumes from rotten McDonald’s wrappers?”

“Gas mask.”

“Right. Nice chatting to ya, I’ll be over there in the corner, using other people’s fleshy bodies as a natural barrier between us.”

“Gas mask!”

14. Bandit Jimmy

Bandit Jimmy Costume

Ah yes. Everyone remembers the good old Bandit Jimmy from when they were a kid. There’s even that famous nursery rhyme:

He’ll steal your shoes
He’ll take your bread
He has a raisin for a head
His face looks like a goblin’s ass
He smokes a blunt with ganja grass
He’s Bandit Jimmy
He’s Bandit Jimmy

13. Hippo Ballerina

Hippo Ballerina Halloween Costume

This misguided tribute to Disney’s Fantasia will forever be remembered for the prolonged awkward silence among party guests and little Tim hysterically beseeching his mother to explain why the man with the creepy smile is wearing Hyacinth Hippo’s skin.

12. Blow-up Pistol

Blow-Up Pistol Costume

Look. I’m not exactly a give-it-your-best-effort-for-Halloween kind of guy myself. But this is a few levels below “Gas Mask” on the no-fucks-given spectrum. This “costume” is so lazy, even the pistol is having a serious case of erectile dysfunction.

11. Giant Boob

Giant Breast Costume

Nothing to see here. Just a human-sized mammary gland and the giant boob who thinks wearing it counts as a costume.

10. Inflatable Morphsuit

Blue Blow-Up Morphsuit

Damn, the Blue Man Group’s left front man has really let himself go.

9. Rainbow Hat

Rainbow Hat Costume

There’s nothing to make you question your life choices more than attending a Halloween party with gigantic cotton swabs that somehow birthed a rainbow growing out of your ears.

8. Breast Friends

Breast Friends Costume

“It’s a bit nippy here, isn’t it, darling?”

“Oh yeah, I’d say it’s breast we wore something warm!”

“It’ll be a shame if we get cold, won’t tit?”

“I know! I shudder at the thought!”

“I want a divorce.”

“I thought you’d never ask!”

7. Mr. Block Head

Mr Block Head Costume

This costume perfectly answers the question nobody has ever asked:

“If Super Mario and Borat had a Lego-headed baby who grew up to be a two-meter-tall pro wrestler, what color shirt would he wear?”

6. Bandit Rob

Bandit Rob Costume

Fun fact: Bandit Rob is what happens when Bandit Jimmy falls face-first into an industrial meat grinder.

5. Black Morphsuit

Black Morphsuit Chessboard

The chessboard is what really makes this suit. Without the chessboard, you’re just some dodgy wacko who might stab one of the other dinner guests in a dark corner.

With the chessboard, you’re a dodgy wacko who might stab one of the other dinner guests in a dark corner while yelling “Checkmate!”

4. Cone Head

Cone Head Costume

With all the awful sexual innuendo costumes out there, it’s refreshing to see that someone resisted the temptation to make the ears bigger, the “cone” longer, and call it “Bone Head.”

3. Ghost

Ghost Costume

Converse sneakers! Every self-respecting ghost wears a pair.

2. Monster Candy

Monster Candy Costume

The description for this item assures me that I can dress up as “the sweet Monster Candy.” Question: Who the hell is Monster Candy? Is this a popular movie character I’m blissfully unaware of?

Why not just “Pink Monster” or “Cutie McRuby”? I really want to know. Am I the only one in the world who’s never heard of Monster Candy? Let me know in the comments.

1. The Finger

The Finger Costume

This is the most honest costume on the list, because it succinctly tells us how little of a damn the owner gives about dressing up for our stupid party and exactly where we can shove our complaints about it.

Missile launch with smoke

MH17: Russia vs. the world

Today, the Dutch Safety Board released its final report on MH17. For anyone following the story, its conclusions aren’t a surprise: MH17 was downed by a BUK surface-to-air missile. A parallel criminal investigation will wrap-up within a few months.

Now’s a good time to briefly revisit the exact chronology of the MH17 story.

Pro-Russian separatists: We’ve shot down a Ukrainian An-26!

Russia: Rebels have shot down a Ukrainian An-26!

Everyone else: Actually, it was MH17.

Russia: Ukrainians have shot down MH17! They were trying to fire at Putin’s plane and to assassinate him.

Everyone else: MH17 was likely shot down by a surface-to-air missile launched from rebel-held territory.

Russia: Ukrainian Su-25 shot it down. Just ask air controller Carlos!

Everyone else: MH17 disintegrated after being hit by a large number of high-velocity objects from outside, likely shrapnel that came from a BUK surface-to-air missile launched from rebel-held territory.

Russia: There was no MH17. It was actually the missing MH370, repainted and loaded with corpses.

Everyone else: All available evidence and witness testimony strongly indicate that MH17 was shot down by a BUK surface-to-air missile brought into Ukraine by members of the 53rd Russian Air Defense Brigade from Kursk and fired from rebel-held Snizhne.

Russia: There was a bomb placed on board MH17 by CIA agents to frame Russia in a false flag attack.

Everyone else: There is sufficient empirical evidence to corroborate and add further details to the original BUK version.

Russia: Okay, fine, maybe it was a BUK, but then it was a Ukrainian BUK, and it was launched from Ukraine government–held territory by Ukrainian soldiers speaking Ukrainian and singing Ukrainian songs. Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine.

Everyone else: Further investigation confirms the original version and makes it highly unlikely that the BUK launch could have taken place from the territory held by the Ukrainian government. We all vote in favor of a UN resolution that calls for an impartial and fact-based tribunal to prosecute whoever is found to be responsible.

Russia: We already know Ukraine/CIA/aliens are responsible. They should all be punished! Also, we single-handedly veto the UN resolution that calls for an impartial tribunal and prosecution of whoever is found responsible.

Dutch Safety Board: MH17 was definitely downed by a BUK surface-to-air missile, which exploded less than one meter from the cockpit. It was a 9N314M warhead as carried on a 9M38-series missile. We have extensively studied the comments provided by the Russian Federation. Alternate scenarios were thoroughly ruled out.

Russia: Why won’t anybody listen to us?!

To be continued…

You can read a much more thorough take on this in my Listverse article:
10 Outrageous Ways Russian Media Covered The Crash Of MH17

Thong nude behind woman

WTF Report: “But(t) why?”

You may have come across Rick Owens’s new fashion collection on your favorite social media. If you haven’t, here:

If, for some reason, you cannot watch the above, here’s what you’re missing out on: A bunch of models walk the catwalk wearing each other as elaborate…costumes, I guess? Backpacks? Frontpacks? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that it looks weird as hell. Here’s a still shot from the video:

Woman wearing another woman

“I’m 34, you’re 35, if you add our ages, you get 6–“
“Don’t you say it, Clarice!”

You probably expect me to make fun of this exercise in insanity, as I often do. But I won’t. It’s not my place to pass judgement. Besides, people in the know have referred to the performance as “a tribute to female strength,” suggesting “the physical labors of pregnancy,” so I can only assume this must be true.

But I do wonder what goes on through the models’ minds as they participate in this misguided yoga contortionist extravaganza. Look at their faces. None of them can possibly be enjoying this. How did the recruitment for this go?

“Hi, Jennifer, is that right?”

“That’s me.”

“Great. Grrrrreat. Great-great-great-great-great. Great! Could you shut the door, please? Sooooooo, Jennifer. You’re a really dedicated model, aren’t you?”

“I try.”

“You sure do. You suuuure do. Okay, so here’s what we’re going to need you to do for this next gig. Take a look at these concept sketches.”

“Dear God! Are these people all right? They look like they need help!”

“No, silly. That’s your costume. You’d be carrying Clarice on your shoulders while her hair streams freely downward, letting gravity pull it every which way.”

“But…her face…it’d be in my crotch.”

“It’s a tribute to female strength!”

“Her butt cheeks…they’d be in my face.”

“It’s about the physical labors of pregnancy, Jennifer. We’re breaking new ground here.”

“My face. Her butt cheeks.”

“We’re visionaries. Fashion revolutionaries. We dare to show people what nobody else does.”

“Butt cheeks.”

*sign* “Fine. How much do you want?”

“My yearly salary for this one catwalk.”

“Isn’t that a little too–”

“BUTT CHEEKS!”

“Okay okay. You got it.”

“I hate my life.”

Child: Boy behind metal link fence

Helpful(ish) guide to containing your child

Children are good for many things: getting time off work when they’re born, getting paternity leave, getting time off work when they’re sick, and probably even some other stuff. However, what takes many new parents by surprise is how high-maintenance children can be. They need food just like real people and require cleaning about once a month.

If you’re like me, you’ll be especially taken aback by the fact that your child gets progressively more difficult to contain as it ages. After a while, it becomes almost impossible to keep the child confined to a single location. Fortunately, there are a few tips you can follow to keep your child safely contained within manageable space.

Disclaimer: I have not consulted any literature pertaining to legal ramifications of the following tips, but I have no good reason to assume any of this is against the law.

Child Level 0 (0–3 months)

Containing your child is incredibly easy during this stage. A Level 0 child isn’t capable of any coordinated movements and is unable to independently displace itself. You can put your child on virtually any horizontal surface and be sure that you’ll find it exactly where you left it. (Important note: Avoid sloped surfaces, especially if they’re slippery.)

Child Level 1 (3–6 months)

At some point during this stage, most infants will learn to flip over on their stomachs. This makes Level 1 children slightly more difficult to contain. You have to place them on larger surfaces like floors or wide beds. You can also place wedges under them to prevent them flipping in the first place.

Child Level 2 (6–12 months)

This is when your child is likely to learn to crawl and pull itself up. Things get tricky. You’ll have to buy playpens with walls of up to 60 centimeters (24 inches) in height. Try to discourage your child from standing and learning to walk, as either of those skills will make containing your child exponentially more difficult.

Child Level 3 (1–2 years)

Level 3 children are every parent’s first major challenge. They’re able to walk, run, and may even learn how to manipulate your emotions. Luckily, they usually won’t know how to operate locks, so unless you foolishly leave the front door unlocked, they’ll still be safely contained inside your home.

Child: Colorful padlocks love locks

This might be taking it a step too far, but I admire your dedication.

Child Level 4 (2–6 years)

Regular locked doors are no longer viable. Kids of this level are crafty and will eventually figure out a way to open any mechanical lock. You need an electronic lock with a password known only to you. Get ready for odd questions from your neighbors, like “Hey, didn’t you have a kid?” and “How come I never see [child’s name] anymore?”

Child Level 5 (6–10 years)

Level 5 children have highly developed social skills. This is why you must limit their exposure to other people lest they solicit their help in escaping your containment. Try to keep them busy with TV shows and interactive toys. Most animated superheroes make for great babysitters.

Child Level 6 (10–14 years)

There’s a very good chance that your child now makes a formidable opponent, having exercised out of sheer boredom during its 10+ years of containment. Matters are further complicated by the likely onset of puberty and the emotional and physical changes associated with it. Approach with caution.

Child Level 7 (14–18 years)

Your child has now mastered all computer languages and has successfully hacked your advanced electronic lock. What were you thinking, giving it unrestricted Internet access?! You’re lucky your backup alarm system made out of cowbells and a live raccoon trapped inside a barrel somehow worked. You’re getting sloppy.

Child: Raccoon in grass

See? Even the raccoon is judging you.

Child Level 8 (18–24 years)

At this point, your child is legally an adult. I say “legally,” because parents know best what’s good for their children and should not let society’s rules dictate how they do or do not contain their offspring. Try to have a believable explanation for why your child has never been seen in public—on the off chance that cops or social services drop by.

Child Level 9 (24–30 years)

You idiot. Your child sent out emails to all lawyers in the area and petitioned 57 foreign governments to help end what it believes is its inhumane treatment. What did I tell you about Internet access?! You have to relocate to that abandoned warehouse on the other side of town. They’ll never find you.

Child Level 10 (30+ years)

You’re trapped inside an empty warehouse with a child who hates you for unknown reasons. The child also has a makeshift superhero costume complete with ninja stars and nunchuks. You probably shouldn’t have let it watch all those superhero shows. It doesn’t help that the child is now at the peak of its physical abilities while you’re in your 60s and frankly haven’t taken very good care of yourself. The child is screaming something about getting a taste of your own medicine and charging at you at full speed.

Remember: It was your failure to follow my guide correctly that has led to this predicament. Good luck!

Migrants: Hand holding Euro bills

Warning, Europe! Here’s a simple trick migrants use to take your tax money!

Fellow Europeans and Europeanettes! The media wants us to believe that millions of people fleeing a war-torn country are actually refugees. But you and I both know who they really are: economic migrants. There’s a sneaky little trick these migrants use to take your precious tax money. You’ll be shocked to find out just how easy it is:

The simple trick migrants use to take your tax money

It all starts in their home country of Syriastan or Muslimgrad or whatever.

Here, the migrants get their hands on what is known as The Big Book of Economic Handouts. This book lists every European country where an economic migrant can expect to get those sweet, sweet benefits. It even includes a map and detailed directions on how to get there!

Once they’ve picked their preferred destination, they wait. Sometimes for years. Remember, this is a long con.

Then, when fortune smiles upon them and their country is conveniently engulfed in a devastating conflict, they…still wait. Again, this is a long con. They have to play their cards right.

A few years later, when the conflict has claimed hundreds of thousands of lives and made staying there impossible for most, that’s when these economic migrants make their big move!

Disguised as refugees, the migrants sneak into Europe aboard rickety boats. Many of them risk death by doing so, but that’s all part of their cold, cynical calculations. It all comes down to this straightforward cost-benefit analysis:

Chance of Death X Smuggling Costs < Chance of Handout X Value of Handout

Looking at that calculation, it all makes perfect sense. Who wouldn’t risk their own lives in order to get some free money?!

Once they’re in Europe, migrants proceed to their chosen destination. They’ll use any opportunity to “window shop” for a place that gives them the best conditions. It has nothing to do with a country’s immigrant-hostile policies and everything to do with what migrants think they can get out of it.

They’ll live in hastily constructed, crowded holding pens then walk hundreds of kilometers across borders, but that’s exactly where they want you—feeling sorry for them. Don’t fall for their clever ruse. Be vigilant, Europe, because then comes the grand finale of their master plan.

When the migrants arrive to their handout land—let’s say Germany, because of course it’s Germany—they apply for asylum. They only have to wait around 6 months (sometimes even 4!) to get an answer. While waiting, they get to live in luxury asylum centers where they have things like running water and even beds!

Once their application has been processed and approved, the easy life begins. We know for a fact that they have no motivation to work, so they’ll be getting free unemployment benefits. In Germany, they can get handouts to the tune of €399 euro per month. This amounts to the basic minimum cost of living, but by using clever ploys like not eating as much, these economic migrants can save up to a whopping €20 every single month. This means that, after only eight years, they get to break even on the €2,000 they’ve paid the boat smugglers – by doing nothing at all! From there on, it’s smooth sailing.

Do you see how easy this is? This shameless scam is almost genius in its simplicity.

I think that we can all quickly agree that this kind of free money more than makes up for the migrants losing their homes, abandoning their countries and their past lives, and making a perilous journey across the continent. This simple trick pays off in a big way!

Don’t be duped, Europe! And stop calling these migrants “refugees.”

If you’re in Denmark, here’s a bunch of stuff you can do to help refugees. If you’re not in Denmark, you can help as well.