Superman figure with red cape

Search Term Roulette: “Defective superpowers” edition

I believe it was Google’s co-founder Larry Page who once famously said, “Seek and ye shall find!” People have been seeking ever since.

It’s not always clear what people are seeking, however. Google’s algorithms are good, but people’s collective ability to come up with gibberish search terms is so, so much better.

When Google can’t match people’s word puzzles to actually useful pages, it sends them to my decidedly unuseful blog. That strategy is bad for Google itself, the seekers, and humanity as a whole, but it gives me plenty of fodder for endless quarterly search term roulette posts. The winter season is here, and so is yet another installment of “Search terms that bring people to my blog against all odds and reason.”

Superpower spell must work

Indeed. Like most things, a superpower spell must work. Non-working superpower spells are a waste of money and can lead to plenty of disappointment and even embarrassment. Like that time my invisibility spell malfunctioned when I was doing, uh, research at the all-female…you know what? Never mind. But—yes—superpowers must work.

Very fucking saucy sex messages received

Congrats, bro!

Fuck nostalgia

Yeah! Freaking nostalgia, man. Getting us all depressed and homesick and all that. Nobody likes you, nostalgia. Why don’t you just go home?! The home where I grew up, where my mom made her special-recipe chocolate-and-cookie cake, where I spent days outside with my friends playing hide-and-seek. The sun was shining, the birds were singing. I miss those days so mu– FUCK YOU, NOSTALGIA!

White rapper with orange hair

Slim Top! Shady Carrot! Yes, those are the only two ways I can think to combine Carrot Top and Eminem without repeating myself.

How to respond when he says your sexy

If you want to be annoying, you can start by telling him that “your” is spelled “you’re.” If the Internet has taught me anything, it’s that everyone loves a Grammar Nazi.

How do I write about a scam?

There are many ways to write about a scam. You could pick a dialogue-driven approach and give your characters—scammer and scammee—distinct personalities and dialects. You could write a whole screenplay. You could write a serious statistical analysis of scams received by various demographics. You could even answer to scammers and troll them like this guy.

Super powers found and magic spells and money

That’s just how it goes. You’re walking around the city, when you stumble into a superpower and you’re like, “This is a good day. I just found a superpower. Nice!” Later on, you see someone drop a magic spell. You run to pick it up, chase after them, but they’re like, “No thanks, I don’t want it back.” So now you have a superpower and a magic spell, and you’re thinking, “Sweet! This day just got better!”

In the evening, you’re warming up a sandwich for yourself using your newfound heat vision, when you suddenly see something shimmer in the corner behind the sofa. So you use your “Levitatum” spell to lift the sofa in the air, and right there on the floor is a shiny new nickel! Are you the luckiest person in the world, or what?!

Wow, I really got invested in that story.

Do shamans know their father son the Antichrist?

Oh wow! He’s their father and their son?! I love The Jerry Springer Show. It’s always so full of surprises!

How to show a girl that I am also interested in sex through text messages innocently

Dark room. Midnight. Shadowy figure crouched over a smartphone, tapping at the screen.

“I am also interested in sex. [Smiley face]”

Nah. Too obvious. Delete.

“Would you like to meet for some non-sexual activities that may eventually lead to…”

What’s wrong with me?! Delete!

“My steadfast tin soldier would like to visit your army barracks!”

What the fuck does that even mean?! This is ridiculous! Delete!

“Have you seen that episode on the Animal Planet where…”

Oh my God. I am just so hopeless! Delete!

*Just a GIF of Mr. Bean doing the hip thrusting dance*

I can’d do this anymore. I really can’t. Google, help!

Ball attached to handle with barbed wire as a self-defense weapon

Handle covered in barbed wire? What are you, Silas from The Da Vinci Code? That sounds like a terrible self-defense weapon!

*Man appears and whispers something into my ear*

Oh! Oooooooooh! Spiked metal ball attached with barbed wire to a steel handle? Why didn’t you just say so?! I don’t have that specific design, but here you go.

Christmas lights

A wondrous tale of Christmas lights

We now have Christmas lights on our street!

Yaaaaaay!

Well, “Christmas lights.” They look like this:

Christmas lights on our street

Yaaaay?

I’m not kidding, by the way. That’s the Christmas setup on our street here in Copenhagen.

Look, I’m really not one to judge. My idea of getting into the Christmas spirit involves changing my desktop background to a picture of semi-nude Santa riding a baby blue unicorn. (Don’t ask.) I’m pretty damn terrible at decorating for Christmas, is what I’m saying.

But…do these Christmas lights strike you as satisfactory? Do they elicit feelings of joy and wonder? Not really, right?

I don’t want to speculate on the decision process that led to this half-baked display of indifference, but I’m quite sure it went something like this:

“So, how will we decorate the street for Christmas this year? Giant Christmas tree with a life-size Santa and lots of flashing Christmas lights and ornaments?!”

“Nah, we’ll put some lights on the trees.”

“Oooooh, great idea! We’ll cover every branch with string lights, so that at night it looks like each tree is glowing!”

“Nah, just, like, two lights per tree.”

“Uh, okay. So, big, flashing lights in the shape of a star or Rudolph’s nose?”

“Just two simple, purple lights. We’re going for more of a ‘landing strip at a deserted airport’ vibe.”

“Fine, I guess. So, two lights per tree, and–”

“Make it every third or fourth tree. Let’s not get carried away now.”

“I just…man…okay. Is there any chance we don’t have to make them look like unfeeling, unblinking Eyes of Sauron?

*Silent stare*

“No? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Whatever you say, Grinch, you’re the boss.”

Man with blue question marks

Get your trivia over here…or don’t

Hello there, fellow Earthling and occasional reader of Nest Expressed.

How are you? Oh, really? No way! He did what?! That bastard!

I’m glad we had this talk. We should do it again sometime.

Also, I’ve started a little side project on WordPress.com: a daily publication called “Gimme The Gist.”

My aim is to post a short piece of trivia every day. Then again, I once had an aim to slowly write a serial novel, and that stalled after two chapters, so let’s not get crazy here. No, seriously—don’t get crazy. Climb down from that tree, you nutter! I can’t take you anywhere nice anymore. Sheesh.

As I was saying, before your kooky shenanigans rudely interrupted my train of thought, I post daily trivia now. I keep each story ultrashort—200 words max, so you can get wiser in the course of a single trip to the bathroom. It’s the refined human’s alternative to Candy Crush Saga and Flappy Bird. But each post ends with a few links to other sources that give you more to chew on. Don’t! Put that down! I meant “chew on” as a figure of speech. What’s wrong with you?! You’re unbelievable!

This here blog continues as is. Nothing changes. We’re still friends. I’m just seeing other sites now, too. We were never exclusive.

So, if you enjoy trivia on a wide range of topics including cubic watermelons,laughter epidemics, and nitpicky rants about how Arnold Schwarzenegger accidentally helped the bad guy in Terminator 2, then maybe “Gimme The Gist” is for you.

If you enjoy sharing trivia with your friends, then maybe you should not wait for me to finish this sentence because you know what I’m getting at.

With that said, have a wonderful day. Happy belated Thanksgiving to those who celebrate.

Silhouette of a man's face

We all know who the terrorists are

I might offend some people, but it has to be said.

I think it’s time we called a spade a spade.

It’s very clear from the recent terrorist attacks in Paris, Beirut, over Egypt, and elsewhere that all these terrorists have one thing in common:

They all wear shoes.

I know, I know. Not all people who wear shoes are terrorists. I’m not implying they are.

In fact, some of my good friends wear shoes. Many shoe-wearers are polite, considerate people like you and I.

But still…when so many shoe lovers out there are committing crimes, one has to wonder, right?

Worst of all, I didn’t hear any sneaker fans speaking out against the attacks. If they don’t agree with them, why don’t they make a public apology on behalf of all boot-wearing people everywhere? Why haven’t giant shoe peddlers like Nike and Adidas issued a statement about this? It’s quite suspicious! It’s as if they’re passively encouraging terror.

That’s why I don’t think footwear users belong in our civilized society. It’s obvious now that many of them are here to harm us. Our policy of embracing multishoeism has failed. We would be safer if they were somewhere else.

As such, I propose we deny citizenship to any person found wearing shoes. They should all go back to their home countries, wherever they may be.

You might hate me for saying this. You might even call me a shoeist. But someone had to have the courage to single out a group of people and point an angry finger at them!

Might as well be me.

***

I leave you with an older video of Reza Aslan, a man far more educated on these topics than I am, highlighting the dangers of generalizing:

You can help the victims of Paris attacks here. You can help refugees here.

Good and evil mask

On humans and monsters

Whenever tragedy strikes, we’re reminded that we live in a world of “us” and “them.” A world of humans and monsters.

Humans and monsters have nothing in common.

Humans are driven by love, compassion, and a firm belief that we all deserve to live in a better, more peaceful world. Monsters are driven by fear, hate, and willingness to hurt others in pursuit of their own goals.

To a human, every other life is precious and must be preserved. A monster thinks only the chosen few are afforded that luxury.

Humans heal, nurture, and open their hearts to those in need, whether it be a sick person or a refugee. Monsters destroy, murder, and bring suffering to those they despise, slaughtering innocents and setting asylum centers on fire.

Humans have the wisdom and courage to look past things that don’t matter—race, religion, gender—and see others as humans, too.

Monsters only see other monsters.

Perhaps the scariest part? We all have a monster lurking in us, waiting to point fingers and take anger out on others. The only difference is that humans have learned to silence that monster, while monsters have let it consume them.

Every day, you wake up with a choice: To give in to the monster or to continue being a human.

Keep making the right one.

You can help the victims of Paris attacks here. You can help refugees here.

Skull death mask Halloween

17 WTF Danish Halloween costumes: Look, giant boobies!

What is it about Halloween that makes people forget about such concepts as good taste and self-restraint?

Don’t answer that. You’re probably wearing a slutty zombie fairy costume yourself this year, aren’t you? I knew it!

People hear “Halloween,” and they go, “What a fabulous occasion to don my ‘Jar of applesauce that happens to be depressed’ suit and annoy the only friend who hasn’t shunned me yet.” Somebody has to be buying up all of the weird Halloween costumes I keep seeing in Danish online stores.

Is there a group of hipsters buying these suits ironically? Is it a supervillain who’s building an army of tackily dressed minions? Your kooky great-uncle who thinks that wearing a helmet, pouring ketchup on his face, and painting one of his teeth black to make it look like it’s not there makes for an epic Wayne Gretzky impersonation?

In any case, this is fast becoming a cherished Halloween tradition. I’ve already written not one, not seven, but exactly two posts on Danish Halloween costumes of the WTF variety. Why stop there?

Here we go with the third installment.

17. Zombie Hot Dog

Zombie Hot Dog Halloween Costume

Zombie. Hot dog. Think about that. There’s a heart-wrenching story behind this suit. It’s a giant hot dog that has but one wish in this world: to become human, to feel what humans feel. Against all odds, it gains sentience, only to get immediately bitten by some asshole zombie and turn into a shambling piece of infected sausage stuffed between two pieces of sad, soggy bread. What a cruel fate!

16. Marionette

Marionette Halloween Woman Costume

This one’s only cute until the first tragic encounter with a low-hanging ceiling fan and subsequent near-strangulation. You’ve ruined the party for everybody, Sharon!

15. Gas Mask

Gas mask Halloween costume

Gas mask. That’s it. No background or context here.

“Hey dude, what are you?”

“Gas mask.”

“I can see that, but, like – are you the last survivor of a nuclear holocaust? A safety inspector racing against the clock to fix a deadly gas leak at a toxic weapons factory? Resident of Earth in the year 2371 when our atmosphere is mostly methane and residual fumes from rotten McDonald’s wrappers?”

“Gas mask.”

“Right. Nice chatting to ya, I’ll be over there in the corner, using other people’s fleshy bodies as a natural barrier between us.”

“Gas mask!”

14. Bandit Jimmy

Bandit Jimmy Costume

Ah yes. Everyone remembers the good old Bandit Jimmy from when they were a kid. There’s even that famous nursery rhyme:

He’ll steal your shoes
He’ll take your bread
He has a raisin for a head
His face looks like a goblin’s ass
He smokes a blunt with ganja grass
He’s Bandit Jimmy
He’s Bandit Jimmy

13. Hippo Ballerina

Hippo Ballerina Halloween Costume

This misguided tribute to Disney’s Fantasia will forever be remembered for the prolonged awkward silence among party guests and little Tim hysterically beseeching his mother to explain why the man with the creepy smile is wearing Hyacinth Hippo’s skin.

12. Blow-up Pistol

Blow-Up Pistol Costume

Look. I’m not exactly a give-it-your-best-effort-for-Halloween kind of guy myself. But this is a few levels below “Gas Mask” on the no-fucks-given spectrum. This “costume” is so lazy, even the pistol is having a serious case of erectile dysfunction.

11. Giant Boob

Giant Breast Costume

Nothing to see here. Just a human-sized mammary gland and the giant boob who thinks wearing it counts as a costume.

10. Inflatable Morphsuit

Blue Blow-Up Morphsuit

Damn, the Blue Man Group’s left front man has really let himself go.

9. Rainbow Hat

Rainbow Hat Costume

There’s nothing to make you question your life choices more than attending a Halloween party with gigantic cotton swabs that somehow birthed a rainbow growing out of your ears.

8. Breast Friends

Breast Friends Costume

“It’s a bit nippy here, isn’t it, darling?”

“Oh yeah, I’d say it’s breast we wore something warm!”

“It’ll be a shame if we get cold, won’t tit?”

“I know! I shudder at the thought!”

“I want a divorce.”

“I thought you’d never ask!”

7. Mr. Block Head

Mr Block Head Costume

This costume perfectly answers the question nobody has ever asked:

“If Super Mario and Borat had a Lego-headed baby who grew up to be a two-meter-tall pro wrestler, what color shirt would he wear?”

6. Bandit Rob

Bandit Rob Costume

Fun fact: Bandit Rob is what happens when Bandit Jimmy falls face-first into an industrial meat grinder.

5. Black Morphsuit

Black Morphsuit Chessboard

The chessboard is what really makes this suit. Without the chessboard, you’re just some dodgy wacko who might stab one of the other dinner guests in a dark corner.

With the chessboard, you’re a dodgy wacko who might stab one of the other dinner guests in a dark corner while yelling “Checkmate!”

4. Cone Head

Cone Head Costume

With all the awful sexual innuendo costumes out there, it’s refreshing to see that someone resisted the temptation to make the ears bigger, the “cone” longer, and call it “Bone Head.”

3. Ghost

Ghost Costume

Converse sneakers! Every self-respecting ghost wears a pair.

2. Monster Candy

Monster Candy Costume

The description for this item assures me that I can dress up as “the sweet Monster Candy.” Question: Who the hell is Monster Candy? Is this a popular movie character I’m blissfully unaware of?

Why not just “Pink Monster” or “Cutie McRuby”? I really want to know. Am I the only one in the world who’s never heard of Monster Candy? Let me know in the comments.

1. The Finger

The Finger Costume

This is the most honest costume on the list, because it succinctly tells us how little of a damn the owner gives about dressing up for our stupid party and exactly where we can shove our complaints about it.

Missile launch with smoke

MH17: Russia vs. the world

Today, the Dutch Safety Board released its final report on MH17. For anyone following the story, its conclusions aren’t a surprise: MH17 was downed by a BUK surface-to-air missile. A parallel criminal investigation will wrap-up within a few months.

Now’s a good time to briefly revisit the exact chronology of the MH17 story.

Pro-Russian separatists: We’ve shot down a Ukrainian An-26!

Russia: Rebels have shot down a Ukrainian An-26!

Everyone else: Actually, it was MH17.

Russia: Ukrainians have shot down MH17! They were trying to fire at Putin’s plane and to assassinate him.

Everyone else: MH17 was likely shot down by a surface-to-air missile launched from rebel-held territory.

Russia: Ukrainian Su-25 shot it down. Just ask air controller Carlos!

Everyone else: MH17 disintegrated after being hit by a large number of high-velocity objects from outside, likely shrapnel that came from a BUK surface-to-air missile launched from rebel-held territory.

Russia: There was no MH17. It was actually the missing MH370, repainted and loaded with corpses.

Everyone else: All available evidence and witness testimony strongly indicate that MH17 was shot down by a BUK surface-to-air missile brought into Ukraine by members of the 53rd Russian Air Defense Brigade from Kursk and fired from rebel-held Snizhne.

Russia: There was a bomb placed on board MH17 by CIA agents to frame Russia in a false flag attack.

Everyone else: There is sufficient empirical evidence to corroborate and add further details to the original BUK version.

Russia: Okay, fine, maybe it was a BUK, but then it was a Ukrainian BUK, and it was launched from Ukraine government–held territory by Ukrainian soldiers speaking Ukrainian and singing Ukrainian songs. Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine.

Everyone else: Further investigation confirms the original version and makes it highly unlikely that the BUK launch could have taken place from the territory held by the Ukrainian government. We all vote in favor of a UN resolution that calls for an impartial and fact-based tribunal to prosecute whoever is found to be responsible.

Russia: We already know Ukraine/CIA/aliens are responsible. They should all be punished! Also, we single-handedly veto the UN resolution that calls for an impartial tribunal and prosecution of whoever is found responsible.

Dutch Safety Board: MH17 was definitely downed by a BUK surface-to-air missile, which exploded less than one meter from the cockpit. It was a 9N314M warhead as carried on a 9M38-series missile. We have extensively studied the comments provided by the Russian Federation. Alternate scenarios were thoroughly ruled out.

Russia: Why won’t anybody listen to us?!

To be continued…

You can read a much more thorough take on this in my Listverse article:
10 Outrageous Ways Russian Media Covered The Crash Of MH17