Stickman Review

Guest Expressed: “4 Products That Inspired Sarcastic and Funny Reviews”

You all know how much I love making funny reviews of stupid “products” and gadgets. Well, turns out I’m far from the only one (who knew, right?).

Today’s guest, Caleb Grant, discusses a few products that have inspired people to get creative with their reviews. Enter Caleb:

When most people think about online review sites, they tend to think that they’re filled with real reviews by real people that provide valuable insight to other customers who are reading them. Some people also think that most online review sites are filled with fake reviews that aren’t written by real people.

But there’s another type of review that’s gaining popularity, and it involves sarcasm and humor. There are certain products out there that are making such an impact on users that they feel the need to respond in a witty way.

In order to elicit sarcastic responses, the products need to be strange and uninteresting to most. The following are a few products that have elicited sarcastic and funny reviews.

4. BIC Pens for Her

BIC launched a pastel pen “just for her”. This pen has a diamond encrusted barrel for a more elegant look and a thinner barrel to better fit a woman’s smaller hands. People on Amazon are having a field day with this writing utensil, providing both sarcastic and humorous reviews on the product.

3. Luke Skywalker Jacket

This Luke Skywalker jacket boasts how it includes its Medal of Yavin, but it also prides itself on being authentic to the movie Star Wars. Like the BIC pen, users on Amazon are enjoying giving their lighthearted and fun reviews of a product. Some claim it to be a “chick repellent” and that it’s great for “walking through doors” or “nodding at your friends”.

2. Cat Evacuation Kit

That’s right. Someone out there thought that it would be a great idea to create a cat evacuation kit in case a fire, flood, earthquake or any other natural disaster occurs. The kit contains cat food and water with a five-year shelf life, treats, water bowl, collar, litter and scoop, ID tag, wipes, toys and first aid kit. You should not be surprised that this elicited sarcastic responses.

1. Horse Head Mask

Unless it’s Halloween, it doesn’t seem like there would ever be a need for a real-life looking horse mask. It’s actually surprising to see that there are more animal masks out there than just the horse, but apparently the horse was the only one that excited users enough to have some fun with their reviews.

It seems as if once  a product has earned a sarcastic review, more and more people start to fall in line to try and outwit the reviewer before them. While the reviews are not real and don’t represent how your product functions, it’s still a great way to get people interested in talking about you, and these simple reviews can do a lot for your business. Though most of the people who review the product won’t actually make a purchase, there are some who may be so intrigued with its uniqueness that they do.

If you want to get people talking about your product in a fun or sarcastic way, you first need to create a strange or obscure product that can create this type of response. In the case of sarcastic reviews, the stranger, the better.

Caleb Grant works recently wrote about spotting fake reviews and how to respond to sarcastic reviewers.

Blue Play Button

V for Vendetta, B for Bieber

So yesterday my girlfriend and I watched a Czech movie called Vendeta (which is an obscure Czech word for “vendetta”, to be sure).

It’s a dark and confusing tale of a man on a revenge spree. The movie contained a lot of inexplicable plot points, tons of footage of people running through forests and characters dying simply due to being tied to trees.

The movie requires a smarter man than me to fully understand. However, it wasn’t the plot or cinematography of the film that intrigued me the most. Throughout the whole movie my mind was busy asking one simple question…

“Baby, baby, baaaaby ooooh…..”

…what the fuck is Justin Bieber doing in a Czech revenge movie?! Sure, credits claim it’s some Ondrej Havel dude, but you and I both know a Justin Bieber when we see one, don’t we?! It’s not just me, is it? Please tell me it’s not just me seeing Justin there!

Search World

26 more dubious search terms

Remember how I wrote a post about crazy search terms people use to find my blog? And then you said it was hilarious? And then we laughed and laughed. That was fun. Good times!

And then you shared it on Twitter and I was like: “whoa, let me take a screenshot of it so that people can see how many Twitter friends I have and then everyone will finally love me and never ever call me a creepy loner again”?! Remember that? No? How about now:

Who’s creepy now?! WHO?!

Let’s repeat, shall we?

Below follow more search terms that have landed people on my blog. I have not manipulated any of them and I am not accountable for any disappointment in the human race you may feel after reading them. I did clean up the spelling errors, though, because making fun of spelling is the eezyest form of komedie.

1. I get laid less when wearing glasses

Very thought provoking! How was this research conducted? Did you account for other variable factors such as the pick up line used, the type of establishment and how drunk the stripper was?

2. Wearing glasses helped me get laid?

Unlikely! Refer to above scientific study for further details.

3. 30 bday guest ool

….aaaahm….the answer is….wait, I know this one….49 monkey marmelade?

4. Free spells that give you superpowers

Nothing’s ever free, friend-o. But if you buy the “Invincibility & Mind-Control Combo Pack” I’ll throw in “Reality Awareness” for only 2,99$!

5. A. spell. to. get. superpowers

Cure. For. OCD. Is. Not. A. Superpower. 1,2 3. 1,2 3.

6. Is hairspray a mosquito repellent?

Aaaah, a trick question, nice! I’ll go with “hair spray is for spraying hair”. It was a difficult riddle, but I cheated by using the “reading the name of the product” tactic.

7. Good suggestion vs. the cactus couch

I’d say “don’t sit on it!” is a damn good suggestion in this case.

8. I hate the fucking true twit spammypost

Thank you. Your rant has been forwarded to the relevant Google officer. Expect a sympathetic email within two working days.

9. Question mark

Until Google’s mind-reading algorithm is up and running I’m afraid you’ll have to use more specific search terms.

10. Sexy texts about a tie

Oh those naughty ties, always getting themselves all “tangled up”, if you know what I’m saying…

11. I made my gf faint

And then I got onto Google to tell the whole world about it and OH MY GOD I should have called a freaking ambulance instead like a normal person!

12. Sexy people all around the world let’s have some fun

I’ll be right there! Also, thanks for noticing, I’ve been working out lately.

13. Is it normal to get a white package of M&Ms in the cardboard box?

No, you usually get M&Ms in supermarkets and other stores, get away from that shady cardboard box guy!

14. How many people open my wall

Not as many as open your door, but that really doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be prepared for any contingency. Paranoia above all!

15. Can a man wear women eyeglasses?

Although it is usually physically impossible due to the women having drastically different facial structure and number of eyes, some women’s glasses can be modified to be usable by human males. However, do not wear these for extended periods of time!

16. My pillow ingredients list

Hopefully contains mostly “fabric” and “feathers” and zero “human skin”, you horrible creep.

17. Taking eye glasses off in mid-conversation when talking to someone of opposite sex

Is exceedingly tricky to pull off, but can be done with sufficient practice. Please consult our “Speaking & Controlling Body Parts Simultaneously” guide.

18. Are sexy texts OK?

NO! Where did you hear otherwise?! Was it Timmy?! It was Timmy, wasn’t it?! I’ll have a talk with his parents.

19. If a guy wears sunglasses when he speaks to me

Then summer has arrived at last. Another good indication that it’s summer is when people start saying subtle things like e.g. “Summer is here”.

20. Hero of a cat

Puss in boots? Catwoman? Supercat? Bootwoman? Spider-boots? I…I’m sorry, I have no idea what just happened!

21. Guide to not walking into glass doors

1) Notice door

2) Avoid walking into said door

Oh wait…did you say “glass door”?! Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

22. Stay humble you awesome son of a bitch

Will goddamn do, ya fantastic bastard you! You always make me smile!

23. Games that you can dump zombies in acid

Dude, I love killing zombies as much as the next guy, but that’s a strangely specific game request. What have the zombies ever done to you?!

24. World War 2 grenade children colouring

OK, this is either about the world’s worst work performed by children or the most ill-advised colouring book since “Let’s Paint Hitler’s Moustache”.

25. Cartoon pizza slice with no writing on it

Sorry, buddy, the 72nd Directive of 2009 requires all pizza slices to be labeled for quality control. Please report any unlabeled pizza to the “Ministry of Tasty”.

26. Milkshake walking into glass door

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re OUCH SON OF A BITCH THAT HURT!

______________________________

Part III is here!

Laptop

3 reasons I’m getting a new laptop

Today, after many months of deliberation, I have finally ordered a new laptop. Being a gadget freak this is like a mini-Christmas for me. Except for it’s September and Santa Claus is not in any way involved in this transaction.

Below I’ll give you three reasons why I made this decision. Speaking of reasons: I have zero reasons to structure this post in list format, but lack of good reasons rarely stopped me before. So here goes:

3) Blue Screen Of Death

The “Blue Screen Of Death” is surely known to most of you by its far more catchy acronym – BSoD. It’s a standard feature that comes equipped with all Windows-based PCs. At random intervals, for reasons incomprehensible to anyone who isn’t Bill Gates, your computer will shut down and display some lines of white text against a blue background. This text will sound informative at first, but soon you’ll realise that it’s just computer-speak for “I broke, so fuck you!”

While in the past I was exposed to the infamous BSoD on a pretty infrequent basis, lately my laptop decided that looking at BSoD should be my new hobby. It doesn’t matter whether I’m doing something fun (playing Advanced Minesweeper: Pacman Snake Edition, reading comedy articles, watching porn) or useful (researching new porn sites), my laptop will usually decide that BSoD is far more worthy of my time. As much as I enjoy decrypting coded messages from my laptop, I think it’s time to move on.

2) Cooling fan noises

Another fun recent development is that my laptop’s cooling fan now acts as a coffee grinder. Well, it doesn’t actually grind any coffee, but it sure does a pretty neat coffee grinder impression. Every time it tries to speed up it sounds like helicopter blades slicing through a throng of advancing zombies.

I’ve tried taking the laptop apart and cleaning the cooling fan. Now it sounds like helicopter blades slicing through a throng of advancing zombies made of gravel. Since the cooling fan isn’t quite doing its job the laptop overheats way too fast and skips straight to BSoD mode.

I’ve had this laptop for over four years so any warranty and insurance on it have run out by now. Oh yeah, and the company that made my laptop has gone bankrupt around two years ago. It can’t possibly pay to start replacing components and making my laptop zombie-friendly again.

“Hi, Zombies! I am one of you! I come in peace!”

1) Underpowered gaming experience

I don’t play computer games as much as I used to, but I do play them every now and then. One thing you should know about most modern games is that they require more processing power than NASA’s space shuttle launches. That’s what it takes to realistically render hundreds of enemies succumbing to an onslaught of bullets from your guns.

This means that if I want to play a new game on my current laptop I have to turn the graphics settings all the way down, making my enemies resemble indistinguishable square blocks instead of infected Nazi robot soldiers that they truly are. What, you haven’t heard of that game – Infected Nazi Robot Zombies: The Shooting Of?! Is it all in my head? Damn, somebody should make that game, like, now!

Anyways, what I’m saying is if I wanted to shoot indistinguishable blocks at other blocks then I’d still be playing Tetris.

My new laptop should be arriving by the end of the week. Are you excited? You should be, I’ll be able to type out these blog posts on a brand new 17 inch screen. We’ll be communicating in HD and all that jazz!

Have you recently purchased a new gadget? A new electronic appliance? A new coaster? What do you think of infected Nazi robots and their impact on the zombie community?

Red Quote

12 surprisingly insightful “stupid” celebrity quotes

Everybody always makes fun of celebrities! I find that unfair. Just because some of them are spoiled people with an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement doesn’t mean they’re spoiled people with an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement! Oh, wait, is that exactly what that means? My bad.

My point is: it’s very easy to make fun of celebrities (which is why I do it so often).

They’re always in the spotlight, their lives are scrutinized at all times and people are just waiting for them to slip up and say something stupid.

Now, if only she says something dumb I’ll finally have a good reason to make fun of her!

There are countless blogs and articles listing all sorts of stupid things celebrities have said. What I’ve noticed, however, is that some of these supposedly “stupid” quotes are actually full of hidden meaning. This is why I will not sit idly by as celebrities are made fun of by people who are unable to understand their well-hidden genius. I am here to set the record straight once and for all!

Below you find a list of supposedly stupid quotes by famous people and my defence of said quotes. Enjoy:

1. Britney Spears: “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”

Sure, laugh it up, with all your fancy knowledge of geography and ability to read maps! But I bet you didn’t know that all modern humans have most likely originated in Africa, did you?! Well, Britney Spears sure did! All she’s really saying is “we’re all from Africa, but not all of us like fish”. And that, my friend, is a true story.

2. Jessica Simpson: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says ‘Chicken of the Sea.'”

Corporations have long mislead us with their false marketing! They know how easy it is for consumers to confuse chicken and fish. Afterall, chicken and tuna are so similar. They both lay eggs, neither one can fly very far and their ability to communicate using words is limited, at best. Companies know they can sell us these interchangeable creatures and we won’t know the difference. Well here’s one woman who isn’t afraid to stand up against this injustice. I salute you, Jessica, enjoy your chicken tuna!

Ladies and gentlemen – the “Tucken”! (Source)

3. Barack Obama: “When I was a kid I inhaled frequently. That was the point.”

People seem to claim this may have something to do with some drugs you allegedly can inhale, which sounds ridiculous in and of itself. Obama is clearly talking about the importance of remembering to breathe, especially when you’re young and tend to forget such things. If you don’t know that breathing constantly is “the point” by now, then how are you still alive?

4. Mitt Romney: “I’m not familiar precisely with what I said, but I’ll stand by what I said, whatever it was.”

This man has never spoken a lie. Not once in his life has he changed any of his opinions! He is still convinced Santa Claus is real, because he said so when he was four. He’s idealistic to the point of naivety. And you dare mock him?! Shame on you!

5. Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.”

I actually understand how this quote can be misconstrued. That is because very few people know of an obscure and ancient usage of the term “gay”. It’s almost impossible to learn this long-forgotten meaning of the term, but with sufficient research you’ll find out that it used to mean “carefree” or “happy”. Arnold wants every man and woman to have a happy marriage, just like in the good old days. Clever wording, sir, very clever!

Look at how gay this man is! Must be a happy marriage!

6. Paris Hilton: “Wal-mart… Do they, like, make walls there?”

Why yes, actually, yes they do! Take that, haters!

7. Vladimir Putin: “We discussed this very important issue yesterday over a beer.”

Knowing how crucial the issue was, Putin, at a great personal cost, took a day off from vodka and downgraded to beer. Does he get any recognition for this? No…no he doesn’t!

8. Brooke Shields: “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

What’s the problem here? Anyone who claims that the “being alive” part of your life isn’t important is a damn fool!

9. Christina Aguilera: “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”

I’m pretty sure there are, like, at least two or three other buildings in Cannes, in addition to Palais des Festivals et des Congrès. Who knows which one of them suddenly decides to host the festival on any given year?

10. Bob Dole: “The Internet is a great way to get on the net.”

I dare you to show me a better way to get on the net than the Internet! Well, I’m waiting. Nothing? Thought so!

This, for example, is a terrible way to get on the net!

11. George W. Bush: “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”

So do I George, so do I. Some may call you and I “dreamers”, but I know that some day we’ll see a brighter future. A future where the fish no longer invade our countries, rape our food and eat our women. A future where Tuckens and humans live side by side, in perfect harmony. Imagine!

12. Dan Quayle: “It isn’t pollution that is hurting the environment, it’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

Here Dan is clearly explaining how dangerous it is to use abstract terms such as “pollution” to frame a problem. Take “bullying” for example.   As long as you keep talking about prevention of “bullying”, you’ll never get anywhere. Now, if we focus on that insufferable bully Steven from grade 5B, then we know exactly who deserves a revenge wedgie, don’t we?

I’m with you Dan, let’s give those impurities in our air and water a good wedgie and see how they like it! Who’s with us?!

Washing Machine

Guest Expressed: “5 Ridiculous Washing Machine Fails”

Today Alex Bell visits us to tell some harrowing tales of washing machine fails. Enter Alex:

Those that own a washing machine, as most of us do, will more than likely have come across difficulties at some point. This may be an overflowing number of suds, a phone accidently locked inside or a washing machine which seems to operate with a mind of its own.

Of course, not all mistakes are as common and for some people the shortcomings of their washing machines are nothing short of epic fails. Here are five examples:

1. Bricking It

Ever imagined what it would be like to watch a washing machine self-destruct? It appears some wish to find the answer to this more than others. One individual decided to wash not clothes, but a brick! The end result being a washing machine set to self-destruct mode. Such a demonstration showcased the device to hold a mind of its own, passersby claimed the washing machine moved several feet prior to taking off.

2. Washing Machine Fail – Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum

Showcased in BBC Three’s documentary ‘Young, Dumb and Living off Mum’, the show followed a series of teenagers as they tried to conquer life’s daily tasks in a bid to fend for themselves. As a new task arose, the teenagers were showcased placing not only clothes in the washing machine but placemats. They then went on to put washing up liquid as opposed to washing powder in the drum of the machine. The entire episode of course ended in chaos; both the participants and the kitchen were completely covered in suds.

3. Junior Wash

Another epic fail to take in to consideration is the moment a foolish couple decided to teach their son a lesson by putting him inside a washing machine. Not only was this incredibly irresponsible but it was also highly dangerous. Despite the fact a sign on the wall of the laundrette read ‘junior wash’; we can’t imagine it was meant to be taken quite so literally – although perhaps the parents would disagree!

4. Soggy Moggy

A women’s cat most definitely used up one of its nine after being subjected to a 1 hour and 45 minute cycle. The tabby that lived to tell the tale went through quite an ordeal and was only spotted when her owner heard unusual noises coming from inside the glass-fronted machine. Once the scared animal was retrieved, the owner claimed she had in fact shrunk to half her size. The feline was immediately rushed to the local vets where she was treated for shock. She is now said to be making a full recovery.

5. Overflowing

Overflowing suds may look funny on the TV; this isn’t however quite the case when it happens to you. One woman found out the hard way when she accidently used regular laundry detergent as appose to HE detergent in her brand new high efficiency washer. The end result, a kitchen full of unwanted suds! The only upside to this is the fact her kitchen floor will remain spotless for the foreseeable future.

This is a guest post by Alex Bell who thoroughly enjoys making fun of household appliances when not blogging. He spends the rest of his free time trawling through Youtube for funny videos.

Green Weed

Flash Fiction: “High stakes”

This post is another entry into the Flash Fiction contest at DudeWrite. Last entry was a success, so why not try again? The rules are the same as last time, but with a different prompt, so:

1) The post should be under 500 words

2) The post should start with: “Never one to turn down a dare…”

Let’s go!

Never one to turn down a dare, Sam was already on his fourth brownie of the evening. “Good progress so far,” he thought.

Earlier today he’d taken all the necessary steps to prepare a high quality batch. He scored a whole ounce of the “most bestest” weed from his grammatically challenged buddy Jon. He’d gone to the supermarket and brought home an expensive brownie mix along with the purest sunflower oil he could find. He dug around the kitchen drawers and found a dust-covered frying pan of just the right size.

A great recipe was a mere Google search away – there was no shortage of advice on the Internet. Sam had settled on an article entitled “How to make the perfect weed brownies”, because perfection was obviously very important in this matter. Several hours later Sam had sixteen delicious-looking brownies ready for consumption.

The first three brownies went down fast and without any noticeable effects. Now, in the middle of his fourth, Sam had suddenly gotten an epiphany. “Everything that happens is, like, already in the past!” Sam screamed out loud at nobody in particular, while bolting upwards from his chair. Sam was excited. He chewed through the fifth brownie while considering the implications of his ground-breaking discovery.

He had seven more brownies to go if he were to show David up. As he started on his sixth brownie Sam decided this was going to be a piece of cake. Or…a piece of brownie! Sam burst out laughing. Piece of brownie! Oh man, that was priceless! Hahahaa! Sam was sure that the neighbours could hear his uncontrollable laughter, but he just couldn’t help himself – it was the funniest thing ever.

Several minutes later Sam found himself on the floor of the kitchen, still clutching his stomach. He had calmed down, but was now starving and feeling low on sugar. He needed something sweet right away. As he pulled himself up to a semi-standing position his eyes fell on the plate of six leftover brownies. They looked so good. Sam launched himself at the brownies, devouring two of them in one go and biting viciously into a third one…

…a powerful wave of paranoia hit Sam without any warning. What if David wanted him dead? That way he’d have the flat all to himself! He tricked him into this, didn’t he? Sam couldn’t let that happen. He needed to get to a hospital. Pronto!

***

When David came home he found Sam unconscious on the kitchen floor. It took David only seconds to take in the scene: the plate of brownies, the messy kitchen…and a small transparent bag on the kitchen counter. David smiled. He walked over to Sam and gave him two quick slaps across the face. Sam opened his eyes and sat up abruptly, staring at David with a puzzled expression.

“Dude, I think you may have forgotten something?” said David, holding the unopened bag of weed in front of Sam’s face.