Green Blue Help Books

The How-To Guide to “Fuck It”

A lot of people ask me: “Daniel, how do you always stay so cheerful and positive? What’s your secret?”

Fine, some people ask me that.

Two. Two people may have asked me that question at some point.

The answer is simple. No matter what happens, no matter what people say, my response to stressful and difficult situations is always “fuck it.”

That’s a lie. The response is not always “fuck it.” Sometimes it’s just “fuck,” sometimes it’s “fuck you” and sometimes it’s even “fuck everybody and everything.”

The key is that I try to convert all those fucks to fuck-its. It’s not always easy. But remember: all it takes to go from “fuck” to “fuck it” is literally a single word: That word is “persistence”.

It’s important to stress that Fuck It is not a quick-fix. It’s not a simple technique I can distil into seven easy steps. Fuck It is a philosophy. A mindset. Fuck It is a way of life.

This guide will illustrate the concept of Fuck It through examples you can relate to.

Alien Four Arms Space Suit

Four-armed space aliens got you down? Fuck it!

What does this guide cost you? Nothing. Not a dime.

It costs nothing, but it’s worth…also nothing. But it’s free, so fuck it!

 

Example 1

Meet Bill. Bill is thirty-seven. He is an accountant. Nobody cares about Bill. You certainly don’t care about Bill. Me? I don’t give a shit about Bill.

Bill was a bad example. Fuck Bill.

Example 2

You’re on your way from work. You’ve had a rough day. Your boss wants you to actually work for the money you earn. Your colleagues are all like “Hi, how are you?” and “Want to go for lunch?” and other irritating nonsense. All you want to do is go home and relax.

Suddenly, trouble strikes. Your bus is ten (10!) minutes delayed. That means you’ll miss the opening moments of the new reality show: Random People Doing Mundane Stuff (HD).

What do you do? Stab somebody? Call the Justice League? Cry helplessly?

Yes!

I mean, no!

You take a deep breath, calm your nerves, and say “fuck it.” Just…fuck it.

Example 3

You’re strolling through a forest. At 3AM. Idiot.

Suddenly, trouble strikes. A grizzly bear is charging at you. What the fuck is a grizzly bear doing in Florida?! No time to think about that now. You gotta act. Quick!

Fuck it!

Fuck the bear. I mean, have sex with the bear. Who knows, maybe the bear is just lonely? Bears need companionship too. What, you have a better idea? No! So shut up!

Polar Bear

“But I am not a grizzly bear. I’m a pol-“
“Shut up, bear!” 

Example 4

You finally get home. You’ve had a rough day. Your bus was late. The grizzly bear was a lousy lover. You have no patience for more shit.

Suddenly, trouble strikes. Your flatmate is saying something to you. As you get closer you can hear random words, like “sorry” and “I ate” and “your cake”. Turns out he ate your cake and now he’s sorry about it.

What do you do?

No! You don’t just say “fuck it”!

Are you crazy? He ate your cake. That cake was yours. Not his. Yours.

What next? Will you let him and a bunch of his friends dance flamenco on top of your bare chest? Will you let him borrow your silverware? Will you let him mock your sexual prowess based on that Youtube video of you and the grizzly bear?

Don’t be a wuss, stand up for yourself!

Example 5

Fuck it!

 

Well that’s it for me, folks. Hope the above examples make Fuck It clear to you.

They probably don’t, but guess what? Fuck it!

Gentleman With Monocle and Cane

Where the fuck are your manners?!

I may be the first one to utter this brave statement, but here goes:

“People should be considerate of each other.”

You can freely quote that revolutionary statement on Twitter, it’s on me.

Sure, it sounds obvious, yet the more I observe people lately the more I become convinced that many just don’t give a shit. In their minds they exist in the world populated by nobody else. Sort of like Will Smith in I Am Legend, only without the zombies.

I’ve been raised to always be polite to others. Stuff like “giving place to an older person on the bus”, “opening doors for women” and “not throwing feces at strangers” are second nature to me. I don’t say it in a “look at how awesome I am” way (although I am, indeed, awesome). It’s just that I’m hardwired to have manners.

Here in Denmark I’ve actually had to tone down some of my polite behaviour. Sometimes it was considered fake, as if I was trying way too hard to “pretend” to be nice. Occasionally women would even get outright offended, because I dared to question their self-sufficiency with my offer of holding doors for them or carrying heavy objects. Listen, I’m all for it. “All the women, independent, throw your hands up in the air, clap your feet like you just don’t care and do the Macarena” (I’m a bit foggy on the exact Destiny’s Child lyrics).

Bodoland India Women Girls Dancing Ceremonial

Exhibit A: Independent Women

Thing is, it seems this has deteriorated to the point where everybody is so independent that they stop caring about how their actions affect others. That’s not being independent, that’s being a selfish prick. So for those people who forgot how to co-exists with others, I’ve devised this handy guide for common social situations. If you’re already a considerate person, think of this as a refresher. Also, keep being awesome. If you’re one of the selfish pricks, you’ve probably gone off in search of a site that doesn’t chastise you.

It’s OK, we’ll just laugh at you behind your back.

1. Buses (trains, metro, tandem bikes) are not only for you

You’ll probably find it hard to believe, but your backpack does not have feelings. It won’t be offended if you don’t reserve a seat for it. It will be just as comfortable on your lap as it would be on an otherwise empty seat next to you. You know who may want to use the seat? Hint: the answer rhymes with “other people”, because it is, in fact, “other people”.

So cut that shit out. Stop sitting by the aisle, blocking others and reserving the empty window seat for your invisible friend Bob. Stop putting your shit on the seat next to you, just to carve out some of that “personal space”. If you want “personal space”, go live in a cage.

2. Doors just want to be held

Most doors are designed to be closed when not being actively held open. They are also solid objects, which makes it difficult for people walking behind you to walk through them. Holding them for someone is the easiest way to tell them “I’m not an asshole”. Try it.

On the flip side, if someone’s holding the door for you, here are helpful tips on making them not want to murder you:

a) Avoid strolling through the door they are holding for you, without offering to take over or even acknowledging their existence. They are legally allowed to put a gypsy curse on your whole family if you do. Look it up.

b) Do make an effort to speed up if you have some distance to close. That way you’ll get some exercise and show appreciation for another human being’s politeness. It’s a 2-for-1 deal you rarely see outside of discount supermarket chains.

c) A smile and a “thanks” is in order. If you can’t muster the energy to move your jaw or are mute, a simple nod will work. If you are physically unable to nod, you may want to take a trip to the doctor instead of walking through doors like some kind of a door-walking-person-thing. I’ll work on my imagery if you promise to work on not being a shitty person.

3. People are not walk-through

Until teleportation technology is perfected, we’ll have to stick to the old fashioned “moving through empty space” method to get somewhere. If you’re blocking the only exit route from a train with your body, people won’t be able to exit the train. Interestingly, you won’t be able to enter the train, because none of you are ghosts.

You would think that simply understanding the laws of physics would help you get this fact. Yet somehow the Danish transportation authorities found it necessary to actually film an instructional video on how to properly make space for people exiting a train. If you were ever wondering why they did that, it’s because of you. You have made them waste money on this instead of making trains run properly. You suck in so many ways.

Equally, this doesn’t stop being true after you exit the train. If there are people exiting the train behind you and you stop immediately outside the exit to check your phone or scout for birds, they are legally allowed to trample you and then put a gypsy curse on your whole family. Truly I speak the truth, verily.

___________________________________________________

I think I should start working on a series of instructional and motivational books. I feel I’m born to do this, don’t you think? What about you, what are your pet peeves of late? Have you ever tried walking through other people to see what happens?

Guest Expressed: “Ridiculous, Unsolicited Family Health Advice”

Today we hear from Chris Turberville-Tully, who recaps on some real-life stories of stupid medical tips. Enter Chris:

When you are sick, do you receive unsolicited advice from family members on how to get better? There’s always someone willing to offer suggestions, from well-meaning parents to siblings and grandparents.

It seems everybody has something to say, whether you want to hear it or not, and they always claim to have the best or most correct solution. Sometimes, their advice can be helpful; other times, it is just crazy nonsense. Here are some humorous examples:

Don’t try giving advice to an expert

A mother gave the usual advice about oral hygiene when her adult child developed a cavity: brush teeth, floss regularly, use fluoride and visit the dentist. The problem? The kid is a dental hygienist.

A man instructed his sister on how to hold his newborn daughter. His sister was an ob/gyn nurse with three kids of her own.

Easier Said Than Done

A dad told his kid, who was coughing, to just “stop it.” Yeah, like that’s going to work.

Old Wives’ Tales

A grandmother suggested whiskey for everything…including constipation. So, what’s the whiskey supposed to do, make you forget you are sick? It could make you even worse. And how will you feel in the morning?

Pass the Blame

This is a really stupid one. A mother chewed out her adult daughter when the daughter complained about needing dental work that would cost thousands of dollars. The mother said that she should have consumed more milk and taken more Vitamin C as a kid. The necessary dental work was actually due to the mother’s negligence. She neglected to take her daughter to the dentist for most of her childhood (age 8 to 18). I sure hope stupidity isn’t contagious.

License: Creative Commons (Image Source)

And You Think You Know Me

Then there was a famous burger restaurant that had an outbreak of E. Coli that made a large number of people sick. A concerned mother and father called their son who lived in the area and warned him not to eat at the establishment. The son had been a vegetarian for years. So, where’s the beef in that?

Do as I Don’t

A very obese, alcoholic mother tries to tell her child what not to eat and warns of the negative effects of heavy drinking. Um, does she really expect the child listen to what she says? Her actions sure are screaming something different.

What Did You Say?

A mother’s advice for dry lips: baby oil in the belly button. Is it supposed to work its way to the lips by osmosis or something?  I don’t think that too many people are flexible enough to transfer that baby oil to their lips any other way…well, maybe a contortionist.  Somehow, I don’t think this one’s going to work.

Said the blind man to the deaf dog over the phone

Parents of a deaf child, when having to repeat something (because hearing aids don‘t help 100%): “listen harder, or use your ears.” Um, ok….how do I use them when they don’t work?

You probably have experienced similar entertaining health advice from family.  The next time someone offers you unwanted advice, smile politely and resist the urge to go bang your head against the wall. You might give yourself a headache, and someone will inevitably give you advice for that too.

References: This Reddit thread.

Chris Turberville-Tully works with the International Team For Implantology (ITI) which offers dental implant courses.

23 great tips from “Don’ts for Wives” (or marriage advice for sexists)

A few days ago I have stumbled upon a tiny book at my friend’s place. This book was entitled Don’ts for Wives. Judging from the title, it focused exclusively on what not to do, so I knew straight away it was going to be a cheerful and inspirational read. I flipped through the pages and pretty soon it became clear that most of the tips were just variations of “give him food and shut the fuck up”.

“What kind of a male chauvinist wrote this degrading, yet strangely curious book?!” I wondered. I turned back to the title page to discover that this sexist jerk’s name was…Blanche Ebutt. The jerk was a she. The plot thickened. Just so you know, Blanche Ebutt is a world renowned author of such diverse books as Don’ts for Wives, Don’ts for Husbands and…those are the two. I haven’t read Don’ts for Husbands, but after skimming its “for Wives” counterpart I can safely conclude that the tips for husbands are along the lines of “don’t strangle your wife…too much”.

To be fair, Don’ts for Wives was written in 1913. If the content of the book is any indication, 1913 was a time when every household had at least one butler and every single woman was a housewife married to an excessively rich man. Seen in this light, the book must have been quite useful at the time, if only to regulate the amount of clothes women bought and the amount of words they spoke.

Tip 43: Don’t let him catch you reading any other books

And now, without further ado, I’d like to bring you some of the very best Blanche Ebutt has to offer, with my running commentary. I even helpfully arrange the tips into identifiable themes, something Blanche didn’t bother with.

Theme One: Shut up

1. Don’t advise your husband on subjects of which you are, if anything, rather more ignorant than he.

2. Don’t argue with a stubborn husband. Drop the matter before argument leads to temper. You can generally gain your point in some other way.

3. Don’t attempt to dictate to your husband on any subject. He won’t stand it, and there will be trouble.

Blanche’s motto is “if you’re going to give terrible advice, make sure you make the same point in at least three different ways”. They are all slight tweaks of “don’t talk (back)” and two of them hint ominously at what happens if you do, namely “temper” and “trouble”.

I don’t know how things worked in 1913, because I was negative 68 years old at that time. If I’m to read between the lines I can only assume that all wives got regularly attacked for interrupting their husbands’ monologues.

Unless, of course, Blanche wasn’t giving tips to other women as much as she was writing down reminders to herself after every “trouble” with her husband:

“Dear Diary, today I’m going to give John some tips about trimming the garden…hi again, Diary, turns out I’m rather more ignorant about gardening than John, which my black eye so clearly illustrates. Note to self: ‘Don’t advise your husband on subjects of which you are, if anything, rather more ignorant than he…’”

Theme Two: Never rest

4. Don’t vegetate as you grow older if you live in the country. Some women are like cows, but there is really no need to stagnate. Keep both brain and body on the move.

Sounds like your brain has been on the move for a while, Blanche, and you were left behind. Seriously, WTF?! How did you come up with such specific advice? Does this apply only to women who live in the country? Or the ones who are “like cows”? You could have just said “exercise is important”, but I guess you’re trying to see how many of your readers you can alienate by calling them names.

5. Don’t spend half the morning in bed because there is ‘nothing to get up for’. The day is not long enough for all the things you might do if you liked.

Yeah, you lazy “some woman like cow”! Get up and get to work!

1913 exercise equipment for housewives

Theme Three: Be a pet

6. Don’t think it beneath you to put your husband’s slippers ready for him. On a cold evening, especially, it makes all the difference to his comfort if the soles are warmed through.

Pro tip: warming the soles by curling into a ball and lying on them will surely put a smile on your husband’s face when he comes home.

7. Don’t take any notice of people who tell you constantly that a wife’s place is in her husband’s home, darning socks and stockings as women did in the good old days. You can darn all the socks and stockings there are to be darned, and you can be at home whenever your husband is, and very often when he is not, and yet leave plenty of time for going out.

8. Don’t get the idea that all your husband wants is a housekeeper, or a decorative head of the table. He wants a companion and when he is at home he doesn’t want you to be always somewhere else.

9. Don’t be out if you can help it when your husband gets home after his day’s work.

I love how Blanche starts out tips 7 and 8 by boldly declaring that women should feel empowered, yet quickly transitions into “do your fucking housewife duties and be home whenever your husband is” by the end of each one.

Also, this is the second time she uses three separate tips to make pretty much the same point. Blanche, if you don’t have enough advice to fill a whole book, just own up to it and release a small pamphlet instead. You’re destroying trees and wasting your readers’ time when they could be darning socks and warming up slippers instead.

10. Don’t let him search the house for you. Listen for his latch-key and meet him on the threshold.

And if you find that your leash is so short that you can’t get all the way from the kitchen to the threshold, this would be the perfect opportunity to ask him for a longer one!

Theme Four: “I ain’t saying she a gold digger…”

11. Don’t be satisfied to let your husband work overtime to earn money for frocks for you. Manage with fewer frocks.

Was this seriously a widespread problem back then? Excess of money and only frocks to spend it on? I guess it must have been if it deserved a separate tip.

Notice the use of the term “manage”. It’s as if stopping yourself from indiscriminately buying up frocks every moment you got enough cash was an almost insurmountable task for a woman in 1913. It’s like Blanche is saying: “Look, I know it’s difficult, but you can at least try to live without an extra frock. Marriage isn’t fair and we all have to make sacrifices”.

12. Don’t spend every penny you get, unless it is so little that you absolutely must. Try to put by for the proverbial “rainy day”.

13. Don’t spend all the best years of your life pinching and saving unnecessarily, until you are too old to get any pleasure out of your money.

I tried reading and reconciling tips 12 and 13, but after the fifth attempt my brain started slowly leaking out of my left ear and I had this insistent urge to shoot myself, so I had to stop. Blanche! How many women did you send into an early grave, you monster?!

14. Don’t forget that you have a right to some money to spend as you like; you earn it as wife, and mother, and housekeeper. Very likely you will spend it on the house or the children when you get it; but that doesn’t matter – it is yours to spend as you like.

Two of Blanche’s multiple personalities battle it out in the space of a few short lines: “It’s your money! You deserve it! But of course you won’t be spending it on yourself, now will you? Although remember, it’s yours!”

I cannot verify the authenticity of this photograph. Sources tell me credit cards may not have been available in 1913.

Theme Five: Feeding time

15. Don’t persist in having mushrooms on the table when you know they always make your husband ill. They may be your favourite dish, but is it worth it?

16. Don’t let your cook persist in frying steak when your husband likes it grilled, or in serving his eggs hard-boiled when he likes them milky.

17. Don’t give your husband stale bread if he prefers it new, nor new bread if it produces indigestion. Exercise a little thought in the matter.

Goddamnit, Blanche, this is the third fucking time you use three tips to say the same thing! I hate you!

Also, is your husband a total idiot? Does he automatically and indiscriminately consume anything in front of him, without evaluating what it is he’s eating? If that’s the case then feeding him stale bread is the least of your worries. You should be more concerned about all the surgeries to extract knives and warm slippers from his stomach. I hate you both!

Theme Six: Random hints of insanity

18. Don’t let your servants use paraffin for fire-lighting purposes, nor leave a newspaper fastened up in front of the fireplace to ‘ draw up’ the fire. If you do, they will probably have your house set on fire some time or other.

…what…the…fuck?!

19. Don’t forget if he is ‘nervy’ to watch if the tea habit is getting too strong in him. Nerves are often due to too much tea as to too much worry.

That’s why tea is currently banned in 175 countries. People have had enough of celebrities overdosing on packets of Earl Grey and those bergamot-junkies robbing local tea houses.

20. Don’t try to excite your husband’s jealousy by flirting with other men. You may succeed better than you want to. It is like playing with tigers and edged tools and volcanoes all in one.

Now there’s an episode of Jackass I totally would watch!

Totally!

Theme Seven: Blanche loses her mind (in way too many words)

21. Don’t bother your husband with a stream of senseless chatter if you can see that he is very fatigued. Help him to the tit-bits at dinner; modulate your voice; don’t remark on his silence. If you have any cheery little anecdote to relate, tell it with quiet humour, and by-and-by he will respond. But if you tackle him in the wrong way, the two of you will spend a miserable evening.

22. Don’t “fuss” your husband. Mistaken attentions often annoy a man dreadfully. If he comes home late after a busy day, and has a quiet little supper alone he doesn’t want you to jump up like a Jack-in-the-box with ‘would you like more pepper, darling?’ and present him with the cruet from the opposite end of the table, when he already has one in front of him. See that everything is conveniently placed for him and then leave the man alone until he has fed. Let him feel your sympathetic presence near him, but occupy yourself in reading or doing needlework; anyhow, don’t “fuss” him.

Unregulated stream of consciousness pours out of Blanche’s unravelled mind as she quietly pretends to read in the corner while her husband sits by the table chewing the tablecloth and pepper holders.

23. Don’t choose the very time your husband is at home to ‘see about’ all sorts of things in other parts of the house. Sit with him by the fire; smoke with him if it pleases you and him; read or be read to; sing or play cards with him, or chat with him about anything that interests him. It is your business to keep him amused in the evening.

…but don’t “fuss” him.