Newborn babies have very poor motor skills. You’ll never see an infant skillfully juggling knives. If you do, that infant is almost certainly the Antichrist. You’ll do well to avoid eye contact and retreat to the safety of another plane of existence.

What’s even worse, newborns can’t walk. At all. Their only means of locomotion are deafening screams that coerce their parents to relocate them. As such, parents can benefit from using a baby carrier. But not every baby carrier is going to help you. Some will actively make you and your baby miserable. They’ll steal your clothes, eat the food from your fridge, and…oh wait, I’m thinking of my ex-roommate. Point is: Your baby carrier needs to fit your needs.

Below, I provide a list of thoroughly tested baby carriers. “Thoroughly tested” hereby means my wife and I have at one point briefly tried placing Nathan into each one of these carriers. Are you looking for a new baby carrier? If so, this list will do nothing to help you, because it’s poorly researched and 100% biased.

Here you go: five reviews that are guaranteed to absolutely not help you find the right baby carrier.

1. Baby wrap

What is it?

It’s an oversized scarf. Shut up, that’s all it really is. You unpack the scarf (shut up, it’s a scarf), wonder why you’ve spent 50 dollars on a giant piece of fabric, tie it around your body, then stuff the baby in there.

Why it’s awesome

It’s flexible. You can tie the wrap in 473 different ways. It’s also pretty damn comfortable. It wraps naturally around your baby and supports its back. If I were a baby, I’d probably describe it as, “Goo goo ga ga *gurgle *gurgle.” Nathan seems to love it and tends to fall asleep soon after he’s placed inside.

Why it sucks

Tying the wrap is tricky. You’re practically guaranteed to strangle yourself while figuring it out. Also, if you generate lots of body heat, you and the baby will soon turn into a mobile sauna. If you don’t like leaving a trail of sweat wherever you go, this might not be for you.

Final score

8 accidental asphyxiations out of 10

2. Baby carrier

What is it?

It’s a fixed shape, backpack-like contraption. You wear it on your shoulders and place the baby inside.

Why it’s awesome

If you’ve ever worn a backpack, you already know how to use it.

Why it sucks

Cramming a baby inside a Baby Björn is like forcing Steven Seagal into a Pringles can. Everyone’s going to get hurt in the process. The carrier has a pretty rigid shape, so it’s not going to do much to accommodate your baby’s unique features. The girl in the above picture? That’s her permanent body shape now. She’ll have to scuttle sideways like a crab for the rest of her days. Upon trying this thing, Nathan told us to fuck off via a series of succinct shrieks.

Final score

3 spinal adjustments out of 10

3. Hybrid baby carrier

What is it?

It’s also a baby carrier that you wear like a backpack, but the part where the baby goes is as flexible as a wrap.

Why it’s awesome

It combines the best of both worlds. It’s easy enough for a wrap-challenged person like myself to figure out. It also wraps gently around your baby, like a cocoon made of clouds baked inside the dreams of a unicorn.

Why it sucks

The overheating problem is still there, so it’s not great for prolonged use on a warm day.

Final score

9 unicorn rainbows out of 10

4. Shoulder sling carrier

What is it?

It’s a sling that goes over one shoulder, like a satchel. Put the baby inside the sling and pretend you’re Indiana Jones while you’re at it.

Why it’s awesome

It sucks.

Why it sucks

Who thought this was a good idea? Seriously. I want to know their name. I want to look them in the eye and see the madness that compels someone to invent such an insult to common sense. This thing has no balance or weight distribution. All the force is on a single shoulder. It’s the quickest way to turn yourself into a homegrown Quasimodo. The baby just dangles there, trapped inside a hammock that doesn’t have any room to swing yet prevents them from actually having any contact with you.

Nathan took one look at this abomination and shed a few silent tears. He was probably just disappointed his parents would ever seriously consider using it. All children eventually learn that their parents aren’t flawless. Nathan had that realization at three months.

Final score

2 salty baby tears out of 10

5. Your arms

What is it?

It’s your own arms. Duh.

Why it’s awesome

Most of us come pre-equipped with this carrying system right out of the box. You scoop the baby up, and off you go. You may also improve your muscle strength over time.

Why it sucks

Unless you’re an octopus, using this method will drastically reduce your ability to manipulate objects and perform many basic tasks. Also, let’s face it: If you wanted to build muscles, you’d be in the gym instead of reading useless baby carrier reviews on the Internet.

Final score

5 tired limbs out of 10