eBay Troll: “Magic Slim Pills”

It’s my birthday today! *pause for the standing ovation and rain of confetti, candy and larger presents (who threw those?!) to die down*

So I’ll share a mini-conversation with an eBay peddler of “magic” pills as my birthday gift to you. I don’t know how birthdays work.

Enjoy the bite-sized nonsense while I go attend to my Facebook wall (those birthday wishes aren’t gonna “like” themselves).

This magic is sold here

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

Hi Mr. Ming Gjing Dang,

I hope you can answer a few questions:

1) Can I expect to resemble the woman pictured on the box with the pills, after taking them?
2) If yes, how soon will this happen?

I thank you for your most honest and timely response,
Thank you!

From: Mingjingdang
To: Daniel  

hehe, the picture just a ad. you can not trust it completely. if you want a slim build I suggest you
go to gym and sport frequently.

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

Oh, I see. Ha, sorry for the confusion!

Do you happen to know if “Gym And Sport” is also available here on eBay? I assume it’s OK to take both product simultaneously without side effects?

Finally, if I do gym and sport, will I be able to look like the girl on the picture, you think?

From: Mingjingdang
To: Daniel 

Of course you can do it.

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

That is outstanding! Now I understand the “magic” part of the description.

In your experience, at what stage does the gender transformation begin? Will I first develop breasts or lose my penis. I’m asking because if the breasts come first I’ll have a very “awkward-looking” stage for a while.

Thanks again!

30th birthday and time warp magic!

So today I’ve turned 30. The big 3-0. The “sage age”, which I’m pretty sure someone somewhere calls it…what, can you prove me wrong?

I’ve heard a lot of theories about time speeding up as you get older. Now that I’m 30 for more than half a day and experienced in the matter, I can say with some authority – that’s totally true. Not only does the time go faster, I’ve been able to establish that it goes exactly sixty times faster.

“Wow, such precision! How did he do this? Did he run a relativity experiment with a control group of teenage monkeys he sent to space?”, you may be wondering. Actually the answer is much more simple, but I do like the way you think, my quirky friend. You see, a few days ago my girlfriend and I were at a metro station in Copenhagen. For the Danish crowd thirsting for specifics, it was Bella Center Station. This is where I’ve stumbled upon and documented this conclusive evidence of time flowing 60 times faster:

So now you know! Enjoy and cherish this newly found knowledge. In the meantime, I’m going to follow up on that interesting suggestion of yours and go find some teenage monkeys…