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25 search terms of questionable sanity

One of the great things about having a blog, in addition to worldwide fame and mountains of mail from obsessed fans, is the ability to see what search terms people have used to find your posts. Most of these will be pretty straightforward and expected, like “world’s most awesome blog” or “Daniel Nest modern day superhero”.

Occasionally, however, a search phrase stands out from the rest. Sometimes it’s because the search terms are gibberish. Sometimes they indicate that whoever typed them is insane. Sometimes people seem to treat Google as an old friend by asking “him” detailed questions, seeking life advice and spiritual guidance.

In any case, here, in no particular order, are some amusing search terms that people have used to find my blog.

Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with the people using these search terms. Any help I may or may not have given them through my posts is purely coincidental, although I do hope the end-results were hilarious in all cases!

“Damn you, Nest, stop laughing at me!”

1. Why do I keep getting porn email sent to Yahoo that is not addressed to me?

Yup, the only issue here is the mail not being addressed correctly. No problems with getting porn spam, as long as I’m the rightful recipient.

2. Things to buy that give you superpowers

Well, let’s see: LSD, Ketamine, PCP…most hallucinogens will “give you superpowers” for at least a short while.

3. Great tips

Any tips on any topic will do, really. I’m not picky!

4. What spray works best for flamethrower?

I believe typing this search term automatically puts you on a dozen government watch lists and transmits your current location to the FBI.

5. Do people still collect precious moments?

No, sadly modern-day humans no longer possess the ability to retain memories. It’s a sign of…hmmmm….wait, where was I?

6. Felt sexy for guys men wearing contact lenses

I wonder how that works, seeing how contact lenses are made with the intent of being unnoticeable. Or does wearing contact lenses radically transform your personality? Also, who are “guys men”?!

“That guy-man is so hot, I bet he’s wearing contact lenses!” – nobody ever

7. Give me a list of funny phrases to kid

I think you’re already well on your way.

8. Is CAPTCHA insane?

YES! And he’s BeHINd YOu RIghtnoW!

9. The censor board deleted my comments pick up lines

Is that a restraining order in your pocket or are you just deleting my pick up lines? Sorry, I don’t know how this stuff works.

10. Are there any gadgets invented in the world?

Damnit, Dumbledore! Stop wasting time with this Muggle “Google” thing and return to Hogwarts at once!

11. Trees think

Dumbledore! What did I just tell you?! Whomping Willow will not be pleased.

12. I sleeping

New Apple product is rumoured to enhance dreams…

13. Stubborn husband argues

Angry wife complains to Google

14. Reasons why people are fantastic

This one actually put a smile on my face, so I won’t make fun of it. I mean, the person just went straight for top-shelf with their faith in mankind. Not “reasons why people are good rather than evil”, not “good things about people”. Nope – (s)he’s sure that people are fantastic, just needs a few bullet points to sum it up.

15. How to do an expression as if i know a secret you don’t?

That’s a tough one and should not be attempted without adult supervision. May I suggest starting with “Emoting for Dummies” and then working your way up from there?!

16. There head is stuck so far up there ass that

….there totally gonna make fun of my grammar.

17. Rappers that aren’t rapper

Vanilla Ice? Fred Durst? Is this a complex philosophical question or are you trying to shut down the Internet by causing a self-referencing cycle error (whatever that is)?

18. Where can I hire someone for an office prank?

Seriously? You can’t find anyone for an office prank? In an office? Are you surrounded by robots? If so, who are you pulling a prank on? Also – RUUUUUUUUUN!

19. Why lazy?

Because typing difficult!

20. This ugly bird is not a bit

The sense this sentence makes is not at all.

21. Own to make a psycho expression

I just…I don’t even…what?!

22. Funny tombstones for married couples

Nothing wrong with this search term itself, really, but I’d love to hear the story behind it.

“Hey honey, you always complain we don’t do fun stuff together anymore! Well I have a surprise for you!”

“Ooooh, what is it? Are you taking me to the movies? Dinner? Did you book a trip somewhere exotic?”

“Uuuuuhm, not exactly. Why don’t you just pull up a chair and check this out…”

23. Helmets for accident prone adults

How would these helmets be any different from regular ones? Do they have an extra layer of protection against wear-and-tear? Do they come in lightweight design to be worn 24/7?

24. Using glasses for sex

Well, there’s the sexy secretary, sexy teacher, many other outfits that glasses could work with. Why would you need instructions on wearing glasses? Unless…no, you don’t actually mean using glasses for…man, you’ve come to the wrong place!

25. When is the zombie apocalypse happening?

It’s already happened! But don’t worry – I hear zombies are only interested in brains, so you should be safe.

Want more of this stuff? Part II is here.

Guest Expressed: “The 8 Wackiest Tombstones In The World”

Today Kristy Ramirez walks us through some unusual tombstones found around the world. Enter Kristy:

The tombstone is traditionally associated with a sombre message – it serves as a permanent physical reminder of the person who rests at its feet, and proclaims their best characteristics. However, people have not always stuck with traditional gravestone symbolism and so there are numerous unsealed tombstones to be found in cemeteries across the world. Far from sombre, these innovative designs vary from works of art to comedic last words. It seems that the sadness of death can be replaced with an eternal chuckle as you say your last goodbye.

Your tombstone is the way in which you present your final message to the world. Visitors who did not meet you will be able to gain some insight into what type of person you were simply by investigating the site at which you rest in peace. Traditionally, tombstones feature the name of the deceased, a brief description of who they were, a quote, and possibly some traditional tombstone imagery. However, the mood need not be sombre, and many people choose to leave this world with a unique design that really captures their spirit. Be it funny, artistic or downright bizarre, there are many unusual tombstones out there. Here are the 8 wackiest tombstones, loosely divided into unusual examples of:

  • Artwork
  • Wise Words
  • The Truly Bizarre


The traditional artwork of gravestones features religious imagery, and occasionally a statue. These pieces are designed to reveal a quality of the deceased’s life, or give an indication of comfort for their journey into the next world.  However, more innovative designs have been created that have transformed the sombre world of tombstones into a celebrated, highly-personal art form.

The tombstone of a car enthusiast in New Jersey that lets him rest below his favourite vehicle forever

The likeness of the deceased, which will offer friends and loved ones a permanent reminder of him in his most comfortable pose as he rests in contemplation until the end of time.

This tombstone seems to suggest that even in death, the deceased will be taking life on the back wheel.

Wise Words

Death has often been associated with humour, and it seems that the tombstone has become a canvas for a truly original last word. Whether you opt for something pretty or smart, your tombstone can give you the opportunity to declare a final message to the world. Once again, people have some unusual choices.

Apart from the fact that this is a tombstone for a beloved canine, the word play and overall tone, which is humorous, is an excellent example of the wit that has come into tombstone inscription.

An example of the way in which humour can help ease the pain of losing a loved one.

The Truly Bizarre

There are certain tombstones which defy explanation. They are highly personalized, but in some cases it would seem that there is some kind of inside joke between the deceased and their closest friends and family, because things really do get weird. Nothing is taboo when it comes to tombstones, and anything goes – from the erection of miniature shrines to inexplicable film references – and it seems as if the truly zany tombstone is going to be a more regular site in cemeteries across the globe as people decide to subvert the traditional use of the tombstone and use it as a device that honours their own memory of themselves.

The bizarre tomb complex of an elderly couple, which features them in various poses, dressed in dressing gowns.

An unusual site for a grave, complete with minute tombstone.

I wonder if they had these parking meters specially made or whether they were “exhumed” from out the front of Archie's house?

Kristy Ramirez is a freelance personal finance writer and tombstone geek.