Now launching: Humour on demand

Do you know what I hate? I hate when people open their post with a rhetorical question, only to make a self-aware reference to it for the sake of a joke. Those people are the worst.

Hi, I am Daniel. You may remember me from such posts as Living with a Psycho Trilogy and Self-Defence Gadgets (Invented by Lunatics). As you can tell I have a certain fascination with those of us less sanity-endowed. In the relatively short time this blog was up I’ve been making fun of many people, from spammers to eBay sellers,  from commenters to fellow Googlers.

Now I’m looking for some new stuff to ridicule. That’s where I want input from you (or that guy right behind you! Ha, made you look! Classic!)

Have you stumbled upon something weird, outrageous or something that makes you question the general mental health of mankind? If so, I’ll be happy to hear from you in the comments. Send me whatever it is you want mocked and I’ll try to cook up an article doing just that.

If your topic gets picked I’ll give a shout out in the article…or a formal honourable mention, depending on how fancy you like your shout outs. So go ahead – let’s hear it!

Writing for a blog: 5 tips

Do you remember Michelle Franco? Author of the top-rated “Where Will You Run?” book? Fellow Twitter user? The one who nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award?

You do? Great! You don’t? Well, also great, since you have the chance to visit her blog right now. I’ve written a guest post for her. In that post I dispense words of dubious wisdom, which is something I rarely do on my own blog.

Head on over to Michelle’s blog and check out “Writing for a blog: 5 tips“. Also, give her blog a browse in general, it’s well worth your while!

Wednesday fun: I respond to a hate comment…

In late 2011 I’ve written a blog post where I made fun of the sexist nature of a book called “Don’ts For Wives”.

You can read this world-famous and critically acclaimed article right here.

Today I woke up to a fun little comment on that article:

I’m extremely touched to have received my first ever hate comment. This means I’m becoming visible in the online world and my blogging efforts are finally bearing fruit.

I decided to not only keep the comment, but respond to it in this blog post. I simply can’t let a great comedic opportunity like that pass me by.

And so, here goes:

“Hi there, lk nfdsk (if that is, in fact, your name),

I’m glad you’ve stopped by my blog just long enough to vomit out a few confused words in the comments section. I appreciate your attempt to provide an opposing point of view and stimulate a healthy discussion. Thank you!

However, I couldn’t help but notice that your comment was as nonsensical as it was grammatically challenged. Nevertheless, I will try to extrapolate the points you may have been trying to make from the jumble of words you call a sentence. I will address each point individually, so that we all can get a satisfactory closure to this hilarious misunderstanding.

Point One: I am unaware that “Don’ts For Husbands” exists

If you continued reading beyond the title of the blog post, you’d have noticed that I acknowledge the existence of “Don’ts For Husbands” in the second paragraph.

I’m not sure how that has escaped your attention. Maybe you were too busy confusing “feminism” with “feminist” or otherwise butchering the English language. Maybe you were overwhelmed by the amount of words in the article, because you’ve only read colouring books up until now.

In any case, you have needlessly and redundantly (see what I did there?) restated the point I have already made in the article itself.

Point Two: The fact that “Don’ts For Husbands” exists invalidates the points I make about “Don’ts For Wives”

OK, “Don’ts for Wives” has a twin book for husbands. What impact does that have on my article about “Don’ts For Wives”. Does the existence of one somehow weaken the points made about the other? Or should that make it impossible for me to state those points?

I don’t believe that’s how the world works. If it did, then the fact that there are other people in the world would prevent me from calling you a moron. Now, let’s see: you’re a moron! Yup, that theory doesn’t hold up to scrutiny.

Maybe the idea was to show everyone that you know of another book? In which case – congratulations on knowing a whole two books. You’re truly the Socrates of Internet age.

Point Three: Being a feminist is a bad thing

I may be misinterpreting your sincere attempts at communication, but it appears that you’ve used “feminist”/”feminism” as an insult. I can’t see how the fact that someone defends women’s rights can be used against him/her. Then again, here I’m using logical reasoning, so maybe that’s where you and I are different?

Point Four: You are unable to distinguish a comedy blog from a website offering serious commentary

I’m sure you weren’t actually trying to make this point, but it came through loud and clear!

Did you notice that my tagline reads: “Read. Laugh. Learn*. Return (*learning optional)”? Wait, why am I even asking? Of course you haven’t! We’ve already established that reading is like Kryptonite to you.

My blog is many things, but it’s most certainly not a platform for factual and unbiased discussions of the world. If you want some of that, watch Fox News. Ha, kidding! You’re better off watching Pikachu argue with Tinky Winky. Same educational value, but far more entertaining to observe.

Thanks again for visiting! It’s been a true pleasure having you on my blog, if only for the brief moment that it took you to make a misguided and pointless comment.

Something tells me I won’t be hearing back from you, so I wish you all the best with your future Internet adventures. May your awkward comments fill many an online forum and cause many a confused reaction. After all, people like you are what makes the Internet so damn fun!

Should you wish to visit and comment again, I’ll be here. I’m always up for a good laugh.

Feministically yours,
Daniel Nest”

Merry Xmas & All That Good Stuff

Dear all,

If you’re reading this, by now I’m already dea…ling out gifts to my family back in Kharkov, Ukraine. A neat “schedule” feature allows me to post completed stuff at a later date, which is exactly the phenomenon you’re currently observing.

Christmas and the brand new 2012 year are upon us, so it’s time for some of that well deserved family time! While I enjoy some days with my family and unhealthy amounts of food and alcohol, there’ll be a silent period on my blog. But fear not, for I am back with a vengeance in early January 2012.

Many exciting things have happened since I’ve started this blog in September: guest blogging, feature posts, growing readership and death threats from people who find my stuff offensive  (I’m looking at you, “NestHater4501”). OK, so I don’t actually have any dedicated haters yet, but I promise to try really hard next year and get at least a few of them. Every self-respecting blogger knows that’s the key to success.

I may even add a “thumbs down smiley” at the end of every post to encourage this hatred…

Here’s what I hope to bring to you next year:

  • More fun guest posts from fellow bloggers
  • More blogger collaborations and featured articles
  • Continuation and eventual completion of The Vietnam Diaries 2011
  • More fiction
  • More stuff that makes you laugh

I also have an ambition to get an article (or more) featured on one of my favourite humour sites – Cracked.com. Keep those fingers crossed for me!

If you like my stuff, please share and invite your friends! It’s a Christmas gift to me that will only cost you a few mouse clicks and a piece of your soul (I have this pact with the Devil…don’t ask).

Thanks for a fun ride this year, I really appreciate your comments, shares and participation. Enjoy the time with your family and loved ones and try to stay sober enough to remember where you’ve spent the holidays.

Have an awesome Christmas and a kick-ass New Year!

Freezingly Yours (I’m in Ukraine, remember?),

Daniel Nest

Lies, damned lies and…polls?

In a desperate cry for attention and to encourage more interaction I’ve finally integrated polls and ratings on the blog. This means I’m at your mercy from this day on. You now can give any of my posts 1-star ratings with a click of a button and make me sob hysterically while in foetal position. To help you hurt me in the way I have just described I give you a brief intro to the “rating” system.

At the bottom of every blog post, but above the “share this” buttons (which you should use at all times) you will now see five empty stars, followed by the words “Rate This”. While it may sound like an order, it only partially is. When hovering your mouse pointer over these stars you will notice you’re able to give it any rating from:

Improper use of the rating system

 

All the way to:

Proper use of the rating system

When you provide a below average rating your IP address is immediately logged and via advanced triangulation techniques and other mumbo jumbo that sounds sophisticated I pinpoint your exact address. A small group of trained monkey assassins in cute yet disturbing ninja-clown costumes is dispatched to your residence, where they hold you and your family hostage. The only way to get rid of their presence is to a) change the rating to something more positive or b) give them bananas. You’ve been duly warned!

Positive ratings, on the other hand, will not dispatch any murderous animals to your house. In fact, for every above average rating given I will postpone unleashing my monkey army on the world by exactly one day. So there you have it, the fate of planet Earth is now in your blog-rating hands. Go out there and give your most favourite and less favourite of the existing posts some ratings.

The second added feature is polls. From now on I will occasionally ask you about stuff that has something to do with the blog, but more often than not I’ll just throw up random thoughts that pop into my whimsical brain and watch you struggle to figure out what it is I want to know. As an experimental test launch of this polling feature, I now bring you the more sane type of a poll you will ever see here:


So there you have it. Vote, comment and rate away, but remember: trained monkeys never sleep and they never surrender. Unless you have bananas, that is.

Nest Expressed celebrates 1 month anniversary!

No, I’m not one of those soppy types that throws a huge party on a one month anniversary . However, I do want to mark the fact that Nest Expressed has gone public just one short month ago. The blog is my pet project and I’m staying committed to keeping it freshly updated, entertaining and even occasionally informative (although don’t get your hopes up – I’m better at rambling than educating).

Nest Expressed is still at “infant-blog” stage and is cautiously learning to survive in the hectic online world. However, it’s gotten much love from the people who visited. In the past month Nest Expressed achieved these mind-boggling numbers:

  • Just over 6,000 page views
  • 12 dedicated followers on its Facebook page
  • 18 Twitter stalkers
  • 8 subscribers via RSS
  • A few dozen comments on the various posts

I want to thank everyone who has been reading my posts for your support and feedback! I’m in this for the long run and hope you’re with me for the journey. I always stay open for any topic suggestions and other recommendations from the crowd, so make yourselves heard if you want to see some specific content.

I’ll begin releasing “The Vietnam Diaries” very shortly, so stay tuned. In the meantime go ahead and browse the current entries and spread the word. I appreciate all of your support and involvement.