Ferret Face

Stuff our canteen writes: Delicious ferrets

Back in the day, I used to have a pretty regular segment on the blog called “Stuff our canteen writes.” At the time, our work canteen signs were translated into English by a dyslexic ADHD patient enlisting the help of a bootleg version of Google Translate.

Later, undoubtedly due to my almost-daily mockery of their signs, the canteen shaped up and started releasing perfectly competent English menus.

Until last Thursday, when this happened:

Menu Close-Up

This, specifically:

Coarse Ferrets

Contrary to popular belief, ferrets aren’t considered a national dish in Denmark. In fact, they aren’t even eaten here at all. Well, except for the 1976 stand-off between invading feral ferrets and the defenders of Copenhagen in what has since come to be known as the “Thirteen Hour Ferret Feud.” Don’t ask Danes about this; they don’t like recalling those dark times.

And what are “coarse ferrets,” exactly? Ferrets with exceptionally bad manners? Like, they chew your face off without even thanking you for it? Those rascals!

I’m quite puzzled as to how this could have gone so wrong. “Grove fritter” translates quite well to “chunky fries.” Fries aren’t exactly an exotic dish. I refuse to believe that the menu-maker didn’t know the English word for deep-fried potatoes.

Unless, of course, there was no human involved…

Canteen, I’m only going to ask you this once: Did…did you go back to using Google Translate?

Look at me. LOOK AT ME!

Did. You. Use. Google. Translate. Again?

Coarse Ferrets Google Translate

Oh goddammit!

Stuff our canteen writes: Chapter Four

Tonight my girlfriend’s family is coming over from Czech Republic to stay with us for a few days. This means our apartment will be filled with laughter, joy and unpredictable shenanigans with embarrassing yet hilarious consequences. Being embarrassing yet hilarious is kind of what I do, even if the “embarrassing” part is the only one I can pull off consistently.

This also means that I probably won’t be around to write up embarrassing yet hilarious posts for you.

Speaking of embarrassing yet hilarious things – today our canteen delivered another one of their famous signs for our enjoyment:

Today’s meal is brought to you by Abbot Suger

Don’t judge! Mustard Tart is apparently a thing that totally exists, so who can blame our canteen for deciding to abbreviate its naming? And then serving plain mustard instead…?

Also, it may appear to the uninitiated that a space is missing after “sauerkraut”. Little did you know, but it’s how Latin speakers used to refer to the dish. A typical lunchtime conversation in ancient Rome went something like:

“Lorem ipsum, I say! How does a bit of sauerkrautsum sound?”

“Delicious! But we must try the mer version. Ceteris paribus, et cetera!”

“Great, how about we stop talking gibberish and go eat then?”

On that confusing note I’d like to bid you all farewell for a few days and wish you an awesome weekend! May it be both hilarious and embarrassing.

Stuff our canteen says (again)

You may by now be familiar with the unintentionally entertaining signs our canteen puts up every once in a while. Today I bring you yet another look into the way canteen staff’s confusion manifests itself.

Yesterday’s warm dish (aside from the main dish) consisted of a bunch of baked potatoes. They were whole, one-piece potatoes. You may know a whole potato to be the opposite of a mashed potato.

So, imagine my confusion when I saw this sign:

It’s like someone ran an English recipe for “mashed potatoes” through Google Translate and figured that he “mashed” part was plural for “potatoes”. Continuing that train of thought the person concluded that “mash” must be a single potato. When you bake it you get a “baked mash”. Logic!

For Danish speakers the above sign also offers some amusement, as each of the two words in the Danish part of the sign is misspelt. It says something like “bakeed pofato”.

So, the meal description part of the sign consists of a grand total of four words and someone somehow managed to mess up essentially all of them. I believe the correct Internet expression for this is “EPIC FAIL”.

More stuff our canteen writes

The latest instalment in our canteen’s crazy signs is here. It’s not for the weak of heart or sane of mind, so turn away now if your mental health is important to you.

I…I don’t even know where to begin

Nevermind the fact that they’re suspiciously vague about which poultry is being served. Does it come with “meat soup” and “liquid juice”? But it seems like they also murdered the guy who sold them the poultry and sautéed him! I’m quite sure that should be illegal, although I’m not a lawyer, so don’t take my word for it.

Also, who is Squase? Is he a friend of the seller, or the hitman who killed him? Is “Peber” a code word for leaving no witnesses? I’m too scared to find out the answers to any of those questions, lest I be sautéed next…

Thanks for showering!

OK, so our canteen is not the only source of unintentional comedy at work. We also have a fitness room, where we can do all sorts of fitnessy stuff.

Next to the fitness room are showers. There’s a sign that helps you identify them as such, except it’s been made by a person who’s never seen a shower before.

Here, see if you can spot the error:

Timmy stood there patiently for hours, hoping that the shampoo would eventually stop dissolving his eyes

If that was a real shower it’d be either the most elaborate prank ever pulled or the pinnacle of insane engineering.

Stuff our canteen writes

A while back I’ve mocked our work canteen for a dubious and pointless sign they’d put up to describe a dish. It turns out that unintentionally funny signs are their forte.

I’m hereby starting what promises to be a recurring theme involving the stuff our canteen comes up with. Whenever I notice one of their odd signs I’ll take a picture and share it right here for your enjoyment.

Also, taking pictures of canteen signs is as close as I’ll ever get to my lifelong dream of becoming a paparazzi. Here are the latest two:

Most of the time our canteen deals with pretty ordinary types of chicken. However, every once in a while a true monster of a chicken has to be wrestled by the whole of canteen staff. That’s when we get a sign like this:

Godzilla's got nothing on those poultry beasts!

Also, sometimes the canteen manages to set my expectations way too high:

Soup with pies?! That's genius!

Imagine my disappointment when all I get in the end is some basic pea soup instead. Way to get my hopes up, canteen! I can only wish that they were talking about a legitimate pie floater.

Different kinds of warm

So, we have a canteen at work. Every day it serves different warm dishes in addition to the main one.

Normally they have a pretty good idea as to what they’re serving and announce it accordingly.

Last Friday, however, they seem to have looked at whatever they’ve cooked and said “fuck it, it’s some kind of food, we’re not committing to anything”.

Because this is what the sign next to the dish said:

I’m actually more into “various kinds of hot” myself