Cartoonify Yourself

My cartoon stalker

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So a few months ago I started to notice an odd occurrence while browsing online. A certain banner ad was popping up on many websites I visited. It didn’t seem to have any relevance to the search terms I used. It didn’t depend on which website I visited in any obvious way, be it Facebook, Yahoo!, or MyLittleUnicornPet. It just happened to show up more frequently than most other banner ads. Here’s the banner I’m talking about:

Still have some dignity left? Cartoonify Yourself to solve the problem!

At first this wasn’t more than just a curious observation. However, this persisted for weeks and weeks and the banner started to appear more and more frequently. I’d never before seen a banner exist for this long on the Internet and pop up this many times on a daily basis. After some thinking I’d come up with the the only two possible answers to why this was happening to me:

  1. Google had somehow discovered my secret cartoon fetish and was now actively targeting me with clever banner advertising, in order to suck me into a mad cartoon pyramid scheme. But information about this weird fetish of mine was only available on my Facebook profile. And as everyone knows that stays private for good!
  2. Somebody with a lot of money had paid for thousands of these ads to pop up on my screen with the goal of eventually driving me insane. Once I was institutionalised they were planning to take over my Zombies vs. Aliens account and strip me of the single greatest achievement of my life.
Those were really the only logical explanations out there! Nevertheless, I tried to continue ignoring the banner. I wouldn’t give my enemies the satisfaction! Not when I was so close to getting to level 95 Zombie Ring Master. I’d managed just fine, until today, when I saw this:
You couldn’t Photoshop this if you tried!
Holy…shit! Not only was it extremely unnerving to see the same lady’s 6 pairs of eyes simultaneously, it also told me that both of my previous assumptions had been utterly wrong. It couldn’t have been Google or some rich stranger set to snatch my Zombie coins. Here’s why:
  1. Google knew that it’s entirely counter productive to display the same ad three times on the same page. Besides, they needed the revenue generated by other ads and where would they have displayed them if all the space was occupied by the creepy-eyed girl?
  2. Not even Bill Gates would want to waste the amount of money needed for this much ad space on a single page. Although Lord knows he wants that Zombie account!
So now I’m thinking…the odds of something like the above happening by pure chance are infinitely small. Kurt Cobain has better chances of leading a well adjusted life than those three banners have of appearing on the same exact page at once, and he’s been dead for years. Now that I’ve concluded that it’s not Google, or Bill Gates, or pure coincidence, I believe I finally have the answer…I have a cartoon woman stalking me!

She had seen me glance at her the very first time we met and since then she’d tried in vain to catch my attention again. The more I ignored her, the harder she tried. She wasn’t merely suggesting I should “cartoonify myself”, she was desperately imploring me to do it, so that I could join her in the little cartoon banner world. Today had been her last ditch effort to catch my attention and I’m sure if I don’t act right now I may never see her again. I must say I am tempted. It could be fun to live in a cartoon together. And I’d probably be a lot safer in a cartoon than in the real world with those crazy scheming millionaires. It’s not like anyone teleporting into a cartoon had ever been in any real danger of physical harm, right?

Oh, right…dammit!