Orange Cat Sleeping

Lazy cat post

I get lazy sometimes. Okay, often. All the time, actually.

That’s why all you get today is a lazy cat post, which isn’t at all like this post about a literal cat post.

What’s a lazy cat post? It’s a post where I let cute cat pictures do all the talking for me. The Internet has been using this same trick since its inception, so why reinvent the wheel? Right?

Right! Here are some pictures of my cats:

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Orange Brown Cat Face

I’m not a cat killer

Let’s get this out of the way: I’m not a cat killer. In case anyone was wondering.

I don’t have anything against cats. I’m not a cat-ist. Some of my best friends are cats.

In fact, I have two cats at home. I buy stuff for my cats. I’m a pretty good cat…haver…person.

However, I recently realized that the way I talk to my cats could be…misconstrued. You see, I love the little bastards. How could I not? Just look at them:

Cats Chilling Poses

Idiots!

But my language doesn’t always reflect this love. No sir. Every once in a while, I tend to issue elaborate threats that I have no intention of carrying out.

For example, I regularly tell Django that I’ll chop off his legs and make a snake out of him. True story. I literally say that. I threaten to de-limb my cat.

Occasionally, while Django’s lying down, I even grab his shoulders and push him forward in a zigzagging motion so as to simulate snake movements. My wife usually finds this amusing, so we’re basically both going to Hell.

Other times, I tell the cats I’ll play Tetris with parts of their body. I’m basically Saw‘s Jigsaw, but with cats. I also vaguely recall once informing Pebbles that she’d be hanged by the tail from a lamp post outside.

A few days ago, my wife went to the built-in shed on our balcony and left the door open behind her. Django started to slowly creep toward the open door, knowing full well that he wasn’t allowed to do so.

I yelled something innocent at him, like “I’ll kiiiiill you!” or something along those lines. My wife came back and informed me that my voice carried well and was probably heard by multiple people outside.

That got me wondering what our neighbors must think of me. I’m pretty sure they’ve heard at least some of my raging outbursts and threats of bodily harm. Do they think I’m a lunatic? Or some guy who’s having traumatic flashbacks? What if they think I have kids and am yelling at them? Would that be better or worse than the actual explanation? I just don’t know.

So just for the record, neighbors: I don’t murder cats. Most of the days, we’re a pretty regular family with perfectly alive cats. Here’s proof:

Gniazdo Family & Cats

Do what we say, or the kitties get it!

See? The cats look very happy and not at all reluctant or sad in that picture!

Oh God…what happens when we become parents?!

Blue Circle Video Camera

A brief video break…

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. According to my calculations, that means a 10-second video is equivalent to a 240,000-word novel. Right? RIGHT?

I sure hope so, because then I’m about to drop a multiple-volume epic saga on your heads. Words are good, but sometimes me no want word much, so me do video instead.

That’s a lot of words to basically say one thing: I’m feeling lazy, so you’re getting some videos for your eyeballs in place of a blog post.

First, here is a video of Django’s failed balancing act:

Second, we have these IKEA shelves at home:

IKEA Shelves

I know. Perfectly neat and entirely ordinary shelves. Now here’s what happens when two married people are bored at home on a Saturday night and have access to a camera. No, it’s not at all what you were thinking, but I see why you’d go there. (And yes, I am painfully aware of the fact that most normal people are out in town getting drunk, dancing to techno, and having naked ice bucket fights or whatever.)

What can I say? We’re as creative as we are desperately in need of a social life.

Black Cat With Collar

WTF Report: “Is it purring?”

I am a proud owner of not one, not two, but…no wait, “two” was correct…two cats.

As a cat owner you quickly discover what a huge hassle it is to find out whether your cat is purring. Sure, it seems like all you need is a pair of functioning ears, but reality isn’t always that simple. What if your cat is a quiet purrer? What if you’re listening to Britney’s new album in your headphones? How will you know if your cat is purring then?

Also, you can typically tell if the cat’s purring by touching it. The problem with that is you have to, you know, touch it. Yuck. I didn’t buy two cats to make physical contact with them. They’re here to be trained in the deadly art of cat-Jitsu and to memorize the faces of my sworn enemies. There’s no place for cuddling in their lives.

So what does a busy cat-warrior-trainer need in order to identify those rare purring moments? Look no further than the “Purr Detector” collar:

With a simple and nifty electrical device that you strap directly onto your cat’s neck, you can tell when it’s purring by simply staring at the flashing lights. As a bonus, this collar doubles as a mobile Christmas decoration for your house. As a bonus-bonus, your cat will either get gradually used to bright lights shining in its face or get driven hopelessly mad by the incessant light show. Either way, you’ll have a more dangerous cat-warrior at your disposal.

Is the above product a hoax? Possibly. Do I care? Not one bit. If I don’t get my hands on a purr-detection collar one way or another, my life will never be complete. I’m also sad that it didn’t make my original list of crazy cat gadgets, but better late than never, I guess.

Blue Jumping Man

WTF Report: “Jumping Jokes”

I’m nursing a cold and a headache (although I really should get someone else to do it, I’m not qualified to nurse anyone).

That’s why today I’m taking the easy way out and just throwing a bunch of outdated, yet funny videos at your eyeballs. With minimal commentary. They all involve jumping fails, mostly well deserved and karmic.

Enjoy:

You “fuck ze fucking world”, the world fucks you back, guy!

Well played, chair, well played.

I am in too much pain-by-proxy to make fun of this.

***

Bonus video, because everything is better with cats:

Side note: Django did exactly the same thing as cat number four. We have a three-step staircase just like that.

Grey Cat Paw Print

Cat Chronicles: June

Have you ever had your tail pinched in a door?

If you haven’t, there’s a good chance you’re not a cat. If you have, then you know how Django felt around one week ago.

Our cats, seeing as they’re cats, still haven’t grasped such concepts as “don’t scratch that”, “don’t play with that” and “don’t go there”. Anything with a “don’t” in it, basically.

This also applies to their repeated attempts at following us onto the balcony. Ever since Django and Pebbles became permanent residents in our apartment I find myself spending increasingly more time on the balcony. Occasionally I’m there to clean out their cat litter, but mostly I’m there to sob uncontrollably over the fact that it’s the only place left in the house where I can be alone and in peace.

After one of the regular cat litter cleaning sessions I was going back into the apartment and had to shoo Django away from the balcony door. What I failed to notice was that, while I was turning around with the litter box in my hands, Django ninjaed his way back to the door and placed his tail ever so carefully between the door and the wall, where the hinges are.

What happened when I closed the door cost me several years of my life and about 17 million nerve cells. Django let out a blood-curdling noise that is best described as “ten baby seals being bludgeoned to death by a shrieking opera singer”.

Pebbles Lying Down

Here’s a picture of Pebbles looking cute to take your mind off that mental image

I frantically scrambled to open the door again. Django bolted into another room where he proceeded to hide behind the couch and send evil stares my way. Thankfully his tail was intact and he quickly recovered from the shock. We’re back to being friends, although I can’t rule out that he’s plotting to murder me in my sleep one day.

The next day we took both kittens to the vet to get sterilised and neutered, which is a mandatory requirement of the shelter where we got them. So, in addition to pinching Django’s tail in the door I am indirectly responsible for him losing his testicles. I really should start sleeping with both eyes open.

Both surgeries went fine. In the evening we were treated to a few solid hours of Django and Pebbles wobbling around the house and unsuccessfully attempting to jump onto furniture while still recovering from anaesthesia. They even attempted such extreme feats as eating in this semi-drugged state…with predictable results:

Django Passed Out In A Bowl

Nom-nom time AND nap time at once. Win-win!

Other than that they’re just kittens being kittens. Their play time is usually around 5AM, which you will notice is when the rest of us tend to sleep. How two little kittens manage to generate the noise-equivalent of a rampaging elephant herd will forever remain a mystery. A loud, sleep-shattering mystery.

To wrap up, here are Django and Pebbles in a rare moment of calm and tranquility (warning, the video you’re about to watch has an unusually high adorableness factor):

Orange Yellow Rewind Button

Our cats are backwards

We’ve now had Django and Pebbles at home for almost two weeks. They’re everything you’d expect kittens to be: cute, cuddly, playful, too-curious-for-own-good. The lot.

However, I’ve been noticing some patterns in their behaviour. Patterns that hint at things not being quite right with these little cats. Yes, I’m afraid our two kittens are a bit…confused. I was going to say “stupid”, but I hear that cats can steal your breath, so I won’t be taking any risks.

Prior to their arrival we have purchased a bucket-load of different toys and other cat items. Some of these are used as prescribed, but the vast majority aren’t. It appears that Django and Pebbles are struggling to figure out the purpose for most of their stuff. Or maybe they’re just messing with our heads. It’s probably the latter.

What’s that? You want examples and you want them right now? Why yes, imaginary voice in my head, I can indeed provide you with the examples you seek.

We’ve built two little tents for Django and Pebbles to sleep in. We found two pillows that fit neatly inside the tents. We placed these tents in comfortable, out of the way locations, so that kittens could sleep in privacy. Here’s how these tents looked to begin with:

New Cat Tent Red

Did any sleep occur inside these tents? None. Instead they’ve been used for everything from ambush spots to hide-and-seek locations. At some stage a tent played the role of an advanced roller coaster – Django sat inside as it was being rolled down a small flight of stairs by Pebbles.

Django Under A Tent

If you stay very very quiet, they can’t see you.

After a few days one of the tents was showing signs of wear-and-tear and had to be patched up by generous application of duct tape. This proved entirely pointless. This is how the “tent” looked earlier today:

Django On A Tent

Surrender now, humans! Repairs are futile!

Katka has also been lovingly growing some special cat grass for the kittens. She checked up on its growth daily, eagerly awaiting the day it could finally be given to the cats. The day finally arrived and Katka proudly placed the grass in front of Django. Django interpreted the grass’ demeanour as threatening and proceeded to defend himself. With fists. Or, more accurately, paws. Fawsts? Nevermind, here:

We also have a so-called “Scratching Wave”. Whoever manufactured this thing naively assumed that it would be used for scratching, as the laughably incorrect product shot demonstrates:

Scratching Wave Cat

That cat is either glued in place or is made of papier-mâché.

I can confidently announce that neither Django nor Pebbles have scratched any parts of this product at any point time. They’ve already used the tent for that purpose. They do love sleeping on and under the “Scratching Wave”, though, so there’s that.

In short, our cats insist on using things for anything other than their intended purposes. Occasionally this works to our advantage, like when we had to weigh Django a few days ago. We figured we could use our kitchen scale to do so, if only we could somehow get him to stay inside a bowl while we placed it on the scale. We brought Django over to the bowl and carefully lowered him inside, ready to grab him should he try to escape. Apparently the bowl offered unprecedented comfort, because Django stayed inside of it for the next half hour:

Django In A Bowl

It’s a vary naice. I like! High fiiiiive!

I don’t think I’ll ever understand these cats, but as long as they don’t start building sand castles out of their kitty litter we’ll be just fine.

I’ve just realised that this post inadvertently turned into Django tribute, with very little mention of Pebbles and absolutely no photos of her. Here’s one to compensate (with a bonus Django appearance):

Pebbles & Django In A Box

Pebbles is the one looking cute and surprised.