Everybody always makes fun of celebrities! I find that unfair. Just because some of them are spoiled people with an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement doesn’t mean they’re spoiled people with an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement! Oh, wait, is that exactly what that means? My bad.
My point is: it’s very easy to make fun of celebrities (which is why I do it so often).
They’re always in the spotlight, their lives are scrutinized at all times and people are just waiting for them to slip up and say something stupid.
There are countless blogs and articles listing all sorts of stupid things celebrities have said. What I’ve noticed, however, is that some of these supposedly “stupid” quotes are actually full of hidden meaning. This is why I will not sit idly by as celebrities are made fun of by people who are unable to understand their well-hidden genius. I am here to set the record straight once and for all!
Below you find a list of supposedly stupid quotes by famous people and my defence of said quotes. Enjoy:
1. Britney Spears: “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”
Sure, laugh it up, with all your fancy knowledge of geography and ability to read maps! But I bet you didn’t know that all modern humans have most likely originated in Africa, did you?! Well, Britney Spears sure did! All she’s really saying is “we’re all from Africa, but not all of us like fish”. And that, my friend, is a true story.
2. Jessica Simpson: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says ‘Chicken of the Sea.'”
Corporations have long mislead us with their false marketing! They know how easy it is for consumers to confuse chicken and fish. Afterall, chicken and tuna are so similar. They both lay eggs, neither one can fly very far and their ability to communicate using words is limited, at best. Companies know they can sell us these interchangeable creatures and we won’t know the difference. Well here’s one woman who isn’t afraid to stand up against this injustice. I salute you, Jessica, enjoy your chicken tuna!
3. Barack Obama: “When I was a kid I inhaled frequently. That was the point.”
People seem to claim this may have something to do with some drugs you allegedly can inhale, which sounds ridiculous in and of itself. Obama is clearly talking about the importance of remembering to breathe, especially when you’re young and tend to forget such things. If you don’t know that breathing constantly is “the point” by now, then how are you still alive?
4. Mitt Romney: “I’m not familiar precisely with what I said, but I’ll stand by what I said, whatever it was.”
This man has never spoken a lie. Not once in his life has he changed any of his opinions! He is still convinced Santa Claus is real, because he said so when he was four. He’s idealistic to the point of naivety. And you dare mock him?! Shame on you!
5. Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.”
I actually understand how this quote can be misconstrued. That is because very few people know of an obscure and ancient usage of the term “gay”. It’s almost impossible to learn this long-forgotten meaning of the term, but with sufficient research you’ll find out that it used to mean “carefree” or “happy”. Arnold wants every man and woman to have a happy marriage, just like in the good old days. Clever wording, sir, very clever!
6. Paris Hilton: “Wal-mart… Do they, like, make walls there?”
Why yes, actually, yes they do! Take that, haters!
7. Vladimir Putin: “We discussed this very important issue yesterday over a beer.”
Knowing how crucial the issue was, Putin, at a great personal cost, took a day off from vodka and downgraded to beer. Does he get any recognition for this? No…no he doesn’t!
8. Brooke Shields: “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
What’s the problem here? Anyone who claims that the “being alive” part of your life isn’t important is a damn fool!
9. Christina Aguilera: “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”
I’m pretty sure there are, like, at least two or three other buildings in Cannes, in addition to Palais des Festivals et des Congrès. Who knows which one of them suddenly decides to host the festival on any given year?
10. Bob Dole: “The Internet is a great way to get on the net.”
I dare you to show me a better way to get on the net than the Internet! Well, I’m waiting. Nothing? Thought so!
11. George W. Bush: “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”
So do I George, so do I. Some may call you and I “dreamers”, but I know that some day we’ll see a brighter future. A future where the fish no longer invade our countries, rape our food and eat our women. A future where Tuckens and humans live side by side, in perfect harmony. Imagine!
12. Dan Quayle: “It isn’t pollution that is hurting the environment, it’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
Here Dan is clearly explaining how dangerous it is to use abstract terms such as “pollution” to frame a problem. Take “bullying” for example. As long as you keep talking about prevention of “bullying”, you’ll never get anywhere. Now, if we focus on that insufferable bully Steven from grade 5B, then we know exactly who deserves a revenge wedgie, don’t we?
I’m with you Dan, let’s give those impurities in our air and water a good wedgie and see how they like it! Who’s with us?!