Child: Boy behind metal link fence

Helpful(ish) guide to containing your child

Children are good for many things: getting time off work when they’re born, getting paternity leave, getting time off work when they’re sick, and probably even some other stuff. However, what takes many new parents by surprise is how high-maintenance children can be. They need food just like real people and require cleaning about once a month.

If you’re like me, you’ll be especially taken aback by the fact that your child gets progressively more difficult to contain as it ages. After a while, it becomes almost impossible to keep the child confined to a single location. Fortunately, there are a few tips you can follow to keep your child safely contained within manageable space.

Disclaimer: I have not consulted any literature pertaining to legal ramifications of the following tips, but I have no good reason to assume any of this is against the law.

Child Level 0 (0–3 months)

Containing your child is incredibly easy during this stage. A Level 0 child isn’t capable of any coordinated movements and is unable to independently displace itself. You can put your child on virtually any horizontal surface and be sure that you’ll find it exactly where you left it. (Important note: Avoid sloped surfaces, especially if they’re slippery.)

Child Level 1 (3–6 months)

At some point during this stage, most infants will learn to flip over on their stomachs. This makes Level 1 children slightly more difficult to contain. You have to place them on larger surfaces like floors or wide beds. You can also place wedges under them to prevent them flipping in the first place.

Child Level 2 (6–12 months)

This is when your child is likely to learn to crawl and pull itself up. Things get tricky. You’ll have to buy playpens with walls of up to 60 centimeters (24 inches) in height. Try to discourage your child from standing and learning to walk, as either of those skills will make containing your child exponentially more difficult.

Child Level 3 (1–2 years)

Level 3 children are every parent’s first major challenge. They’re able to walk, run, and may even learn how to manipulate your emotions. Luckily, they usually won’t know how to operate locks, so unless you foolishly leave the front door unlocked, they’ll still be safely contained inside your home.

Child: Colorful padlocks love locks

This might be taking it a step too far, but I admire your dedication.

Child Level 4 (2–6 years)

Regular locked doors are no longer viable. Kids of this level are crafty and will eventually figure out a way to open any mechanical lock. You need an electronic lock with a password known only to you. Get ready for odd questions from your neighbors, like “Hey, didn’t you have a kid?” and “How come I never see [child’s name] anymore?”

Child Level 5 (6–10 years)

Level 5 children have highly developed social skills. This is why you must limit their exposure to other people lest they solicit their help in escaping your containment. Try to keep them busy with TV shows and interactive toys. Most animated superheroes make for great babysitters.

Child Level 6 (10–14 years)

There’s a very good chance that your child now makes a formidable opponent, having exercised out of sheer boredom during its 10+ years of containment. Matters are further complicated by the likely onset of puberty and the emotional and physical changes associated with it. Approach with caution.

Child Level 7 (14–18 years)

Your child has now mastered all computer languages and has successfully hacked your advanced electronic lock. What were you thinking, giving it unrestricted Internet access?! You’re lucky your backup alarm system made out of cowbells and a live raccoon trapped inside a barrel somehow worked. You’re getting sloppy.

Child: Raccoon in grass

See? Even the raccoon is judging you.

Child Level 8 (18–24 years)

At this point, your child is legally an adult. I say “legally,” because parents know best what’s good for their children and should not let society’s rules dictate how they do or do not contain their offspring. Try to have a believable explanation for why your child has never been seen in public—on the off chance that cops or social services drop by.

Child Level 9 (24–30 years)

You idiot. Your child sent out emails to all lawyers in the area and petitioned 57 foreign governments to help end what it believes is its inhumane treatment. What did I tell you about Internet access?! You have to relocate to that abandoned warehouse on the other side of town. They’ll never find you.

Child Level 10 (30+ years)

You’re trapped inside an empty warehouse with a child who hates you for unknown reasons. The child also has a makeshift superhero costume complete with ninja stars and nunchuks. You probably shouldn’t have let it watch all those superhero shows. It doesn’t help that the child is now at the peak of its physical abilities while you’re in your 60s and frankly haven’t taken very good care of yourself. The child is screaming something about getting a taste of your own medicine and charging at you at full speed.

Remember: It was your failure to follow my guide correctly that has led to this predicament. Good luck!

Antichrist signs: Devil Face Paint Boy

14 signs that your child is the Antichrist

If you’re a new parent, like me, you have undoubtedly asked yourself some of the typical questions every father or mother eventually asks: Is my baby getting enough sleep? Is its poop supposed to be that hideous color? Is my child the literal embodiment of a biblical evil and the harbinger of Armageddon as foretold by an ancient prophecy?

These worries are perfectly natural. Every parent has them.

While there’s much debate about baby sleeping patterns and food habits, finding out if your child is the Antichrist is more straightforward. If you notice three or more of these telltale signs, your child is almost certainly the Antichrist.

Your child may be the Antichrist if…

1. When your baby says “dada” or “mama,” its face morphs into a perfect replica of its father’s or mother’s, respectively

Antichrist signs: Baby eyes close-up

You: “Got your nose!”
Child: “Got your face.”

This may seem a bit unsettling at first, but once you’ve diagnosed your child as the Antichrist, you’ll quickly get used to this newfound skill.

2. Its Devil’s vents radiate a greenish-blue glow at exactly 23:11 every night

Antichrist signs: Blue glow jellyfish

Pure blue glow is also a potential risk

Devil’s vents are more commonly known as “soft spots” (or “fontanels” by the science heathens). Bright orange glow is usually nothing to worry about and is not a sign of your child being the Antichrist.

3. Your pets start walking on hind legs and speaking in tongues when they’re near the baby

Antichrist signs: Scary cat red eyes

Sometimes, your pet is the Antichrist

Popular phrases you’ll hear are “Garkhamal fukhus ramkadash” and “Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeewmalama.” Very Antichristy.

4. The baby refuses to breastfeed by causing earthquakes of magnitude five or above on the Richter scale

Antichrist signs: Earthquake damage to building

Kids will be kids

Tremors are usually felt in a radius of up to one kilometer. Non-Antichrist children will very rarely cause any seismic activity around them.

5. Whenever your baby laughs, a dark portal opens up next to it, from which a horned demon emerges to ask, “Is it time yet, Master?”

Antichrist signs: Magic colorful portal

Artist’s rendering

This is a classic Antichrist sign. If the emergence of the demon is accompanied by sinister organ music and/or thunderstorms, this sign counts as two.

6. Your baby seems to enjoy most Nickelback songs

Antichrist signs: Rock sign at concert

Pure Devil music

This one’s rather intuitive, but it’s still worth mentioning.

7. Your child has a habit of walking into and out of the television screen

Antichrist signs: Child in front of television

“Don’t do it, son!”

This is not only an indication of your child being the Antichrist, it’s also a major annoyance during movie nights.

8. You suddenly discover that your baby has a Facebook page with a pentagram as the cover photo

Antichrist signs: Pentagram carved in a tree

This is the one.

Extra Antichrist points if the baby “likes” fan pages for Beelzebub, Baconnaise, and Donald Trump.

9. Your baby doesn’t know how to count to 10 but can recite archaic magic spells in fluent Aramaic

Antichrist signs: Open old book with a skull

“DDaYOaA AeTSBeA AeQuOM…”

If you’re not sure that what you’re hearing is indeed Aramaic, please consult your local shaman for further guidance.

10. The child’s favorite TV shows are Teletubbies, Fear Factor, and Summoning the Forces of Darkness: Season Three

Antichrist signs: All four Teletubbies

“Begone, spawns of Satan!”

Most people believe watching Fountains of Blood is equally indicative of Antrichristdom, but this is a myth.

11. You can’t recall ever having seen your child blink

Antichrist signs: Baby huge blue eyes black and white

Not once

While over 70 percent of unblinking babies are not at risk of being the Antichrist, it pays to be vigilant.

12. When you try to give your child a bath, the water instantly evaporates, and the steam forms the shape of a burning cross

Black and white cross in clouds

And it’s in black and white

Other shapes may also be cause for concern, including shuriken, skull, and a bouquet of wilting tulips.

13. You put your child to sleep and walk back to the kitchen only to find it finishing a meal by the dining table

Antichrist signs: Colorful shirt boy messy eating

“Sup, daaaaaad!”

Incidentally, this is also a common sign that your baby is David Copperfield.

14. When you give your baby a doll, it smiles and coos instead of screaming in terror like any normal child would

The “Creepy Doll Test” is probably the surest way to discover if your child is the Antichrist.

So there you have it: 14 solid hints that your child may be the Antichrist. Note that you can never be fully certain that these signs indicate anything out of the ordinary or troubling. Please don’t rely exclusively on this guide. Always remember to get a proper evaluation by a professional exorcist.

Has this helped you successfully identify your child as the Antichrist? Do you know anybody whose baby could be the Antichrist? Feel free to let me know in the comments.