Today’s WTF Report is brought to you courtesy of Etsy.com, otherwise known as the place where people sell physical manifestations of their nightmares under the guise of deceptive words like “vintage”, “handmade” and “craft”.

I’m about to show you a picture of an educational doll.

This doll is meant to teach kids about childbirth, so you know it’s going to be tasteful and…

Mom, it’s a-me, Mario!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Why?! WHY?! MY EYES!

Before you accuse me of assaulting your eyes with creepy pornography without warning, please do keep in mind that this is marketed as an educational doll. For children.

There are many things I could make fun of, based on the picture alone. I could comment on how the kid appears to have a huge trucker moustache. Alternatively, his mother has an unnatural forest-like growth on her abdomen that must be attended to by a professional. I could point out how the child is arriving to this world immediately expecting a high five. Or is that the umbilical cord, fighting its way out ahead of the baby? Some questions are best left unanswered.

I won’t make fun of any of those things. Instead, I’ll share with you some of the best highlights from the childbirth doll’s description:

The doll is apparently award winning, in categories like “Most Creative” and “Best in Show”. I certainly won’t argue with the “creative” part – anything that stretches beyond the limits of what a sane mind can adequately comprehend can technically be labelled “creative”. “Best in Show” only holds true if the doll ran against a hand-made dead pigeon dressed as a ballet dancer, assembled by a psycho who killed at least seventeen people in his life.

The childbirth doll is apparently “anatomically correct”, which is also true in that she has the proper amount of limbs.

Finally, “she makes a great addition to any midwifery practice, or for any birth professional that works with siblings.” Yes she does, if your goal is to convince said siblings that their future sister or brother is the spawn of evil who will arrive to this world in a hellish ritual that leaves their mother drained of all energy and will to live.

Have fun with your new toy, kids. And remember, peaceful sleep is for losers!