Person In Red Yellow Chicken Costume

WTF Report: “Pok Pok Day”

Oh, Asia, you’re great. Really. You gave us “Gangnam Style,” vending machines with panties in them, and those adorable and not-at-all-horrifying creatures with TVs inside of their stomachs (TVtummies? TeleBellies?). You’re a nutty, wonderful country. OK, I’m being told that “Asia” is not a country. That’s crazy talk. That’s like saying Europe or Africa isn’t a country. Buy a map, people!

Anyways, we’ve come to expect wacky shenanigans from Asia, and Asia almost always delivers! Today is no exception. I have come across a YouTube music video in my Facebook feed. Although I’m not sure “music video” adequately describes this phenomenon. Maybe “artistic exploration of the limits of human sanity” is a better term.

Basically, this…thing…is what happens when you take “Old MacDonald Had a Farm,” add psychedelic visuals to it, and translate the whole thing into a mixture of what I assume is Chinese and gibberish. Like so:

If you gave up after the first few seconds of watching humanoid chickens—and I wouldn’t blame you if you did—I do encourage you to revisit the video from the 1:30 mark, when other animals make an appearance. That only made it worse, didn’t it?

Who’s the target audience for this madness? Surely it can’t be children. No child psyche is strong enough to withstand the visuals of grown men wearing severed animal heads. So, is it for adults with very specific fetishes? Possibly.

Most likely, however, this video is intended to cause the exact “WTF” reaction I’m currently exhibiting and generate clicks. In which case, well done, video, good job! I hope these viral clicks of outrage were worth it. Just know this: When future archaeologists discover the recording of this video and use it to conclude that our civilization used extremely advanced methods of torture, you will be the one to blame. You alone!

Cell Phone Crossed Out

WTF Report: “Smart(phone) Walking”

How many times has this happened to you?

Hopefully, the answer was “zero,” but if it wasn’t, I won’t laugh at you. Too much. We’ve all been distracted by our phones at some point or an…wait…ah, nevermind, just got a phone notification reminding me to feed my virtual pet lizard. Where was I? Yes, phones can be distracting. However, distracted walking doesn’t often lead to hilarious outcomes like the above, does it?

Well, it turns out there’s an epidemic of texting-triggered accidents in China, because the city authorities of Chongqing have introduced a drastic measure to fight this menace: separate “no cell phone” lanes.

Image credit: AP

Image credit: Associated Press

Yup, having given up on appealing to people’s common sense, the government figured it’d be easier to just herd them into separate walking paths like sheep. There’s no word on whether they officially call it the “idiot watch where you’re going before you murder us all” lane, but I’m going to go ahead and assume that’s exactly what it’s named.

How bad does a problem have to be to warrant this? Were there daily casualties because of distracted texting? Did people just aimlessly wander around like Roomba robots and bump into each other? In any case, you have to commend the city for going out of their way to solve an issue. And surely a plan that relies on having your sign read by people so absorbed in their phones that they literally walk into water fountains couldn’t possibly fail. Right?

In a decidedly predictable turn of events, one property management spokesperson has concluded: “Those using their cell phones of course have not heeded the markings on the pavement. They don’t notice them.”

Eh, who could’ve known?