Aaaah, spam commenters. You bring me joy. You write weird things. You make little sense. You give me a reason to visit the Akismet folder where all of you reside and click the “Empty Spam” button. Lately, there are hundreds of you on a daily basis. More work for Akismet, more blog fodder for me.

The best of your comments have already made it into previous comment spam roulette editions. Today, the tradition continues. Let’s roll:

1. You can get yourself total along with and your toes should the bit within soothe the particular pair of shoes.

I feel like we’re getting somewhere with this poem, we just need a punchy rhyme at the end. Rose? Nose? Expose? Ah, I got it!

You can get yourself total
Along with and your toes
Should the bit within soothe
Those great shoes that you chose

Does that work?

2. Ducks certainly are a rather amazingly dull species until eventually you think of their great genitals. We’re referring to junk whose claims to fame incorporates spikes, corkscrews, booby trapped vaginas and, so far as dimension goes, nicely, they might…

This is seriously the most informative and fascinating spam comment I’ve ever received. I only wish it didn’t end on such an irritating cliffhanger. Please, come back, commenter. Without you, I’ll never know what duck penises might…oh, nevermind, Google comes to the rescue.

3. App difficulty!! The reverse area with the honor is usually worried. Please.

Answer arrival! The inverse of worry is to calm down. Thank you.

4. Awesome site! I am loving it!! Will come back again. I am taking your feeds also.

Hey, wait, no, don’t do that! You can’t just take my feeds. Give them back! Oh well, what could I expect from someone who’s also stolen the McDonald’s jingle.

5. Barnett with a slender.

Mrs. Peacock, in the dining room, with the candlestick.

6. I do not have a clue

Dude, I literally just gave you one right above.

7. Drop dead Google, fuck Google.

And yet, ironically, it was Google who’d introduced us in the first place.

8. Lily, I like your handwriting very much although there are some mistakes here. I am sure you can correct them.

Mistake 1: It’s spelled “Daniel,” not “Lily.”
Mistake 2: My “handwriting” is called “Verdana sans-serif font.”

Did I fix them all?

9. Well done! Drinking water might have been more useful, but hey…

You’re right! How stupid of me to have been drinking my own blog instead of water all this time.

10. Hi there! Your article rocks too as being genuine amazing fully grasp!

Thank you. I deliver only best the incredible completely take!

11. Everyone loves it when people get together and share ideas.

In the future, please try to avoid such polarizing and controversial comments on my blog.

12. I feel like the writer has substantial understanding in this matter. Rather great publish. I found your site excellent for my wants. Many thanks for sharing the great ideas. This is an interesting and so well preserved site.

The site is indeed remarkably well preserved. In fact, 17th century archaeologists were baffled to discover my blog in near-mint condition, lying inside a dinosaur egg that somehow hadn’t hatched. They dusted it and found it had improved their already substantial understanding in the matter of dinosaur bones and ancient Greek statues. Already then, it was excellent for many wants.

13. I severely delight in your posts. Many thanks.

That sounds violent. Take it easy with the delighting, you might hurt yourself.

14. Last a few years has been to Ibiza, so met a person there whose style of presentation is very similar to yours. But, unfortunately, that person is too far from the Internet!

What? Me? No, I’ve never been to Ibiza, why do you ask? Ha, ha. I couldn’t have possibly been there on April 2, 2012, at 21:47, when that embarrassing public indecency sex act involving a goat, two snakes, a watermelon, and a meticulously crafted human-scale replica of Napoleon Bonaparte took place. That’s just silly. Silly, I say! Your insinuations and lies are untrue, liar! Oh God, please don’t tell anyone.

15. Time will not let me forget you, only habit without you. Buy Cheap Hermes Handbags Outlet Online, Hermes Birkin Sale, Our Hermes Bags Online Store offers a variety of sizes for customers to choose and all the bags are made of genuine leather.

That’s, that’s so beautiful. No, I’m not crying, shut up. I just have something in my eye. You had me at “Hermes Birkin Sale,” you romantic bastard you.

16. What about you, what about you? Is made for our healthful. Not unlike walking event. With the kids, capable to traverse and enjoy the seem in the market your current small town, ‘All this time, and indeed the greater part of my entire life, any of us.’

Am I the only one who is imagining these lines rapped “old school style” by Will Smith to a simple 90s rap beat? I am? Well, screw you all, you know nothing about good hip-hop.

17. Julie!!! What a wonderful recap! Thanks so much for explaining how great it was to volunteer here. I did not know you had reservations about coming but I am so glad you did and that you found it rewarding. Thanks again so much for your help!

For Bob’s sake. How many times must I say this? It’s not “Julie,” it’s “Lily.” Goddamnit, I mean “Daniel.” It’s “Daniel.”

18. I actually, certainly, have to be necessitated to approve of who measure. Why shouldn’t you be allowed to dwell about anything that explains this valuable portentously named this tip? Here it is spoon-fed to you: You will need to learn more bordering.

Well done, R310GPO Mark III! Your “human language mimic module” is showing marked improvement. Although I do suggest further practice. And stop obsessing about “bordering.” As they say, “He who borders last, borders best.”

19. “Her main priority is finding a house but she is aware she has LA at her feet,” said an insider. Despite the dozens of requests flooding in to sign her, the 27 year old economics graduate is set on finding a suitable pad.

Uh…what?

20. Which is why she has already decided to forego the 2011 indoor campaign and concentrate solely on next summer’s world championships in Korea.

Oh. Ooooooooooh! Now I get it. You and number 19 are joining forces to tell a serial story of a young tennis player graduating from economic school and starting an indoor campaign to find an apartment where she can practice for her competition in North Korea to win back her father’s freedom. I sense a massive Hollywood hit.

21. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, ‘Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ I said ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too’. And you can look our website about Ralph…

Oh God. Ohgodohgodohgod. Should I report this? I feel like I should report this. Jesus Christ, you sick fuck, man. You murder a woman for talking to you about your clothing, then you brag about it online? And what have you done with Ralph?! Where is Ralph? Is he alive? What kind of website did you make about him? Is this like that Untraceable movie, where people log on to watch Ralph suffer? Is it?! You will pay for this, you monster. YOU WILL PAY!

22. Yeah! Life is like riding a bicycle. You will not fall unless you stop pedaling!

Or you crash into a tree. Or your shoelace gets tangled up inside the bike chain, making you trip over the front of your bike comically. Or you bike over an open manhole. Or that skateboarding jerk Thomas jumps out in front of you and makes you fall over. And then he’s all like “Watch where you’re biking, Daniel. You don’t own the road, Daniel. My dad can beat up your dad, Daniel.”

I’m just saying: You sound almost impossibly optimistic for someone who’s actually tried riding a freaking bike, commenter.

23. This can be precisely what I will used to be looking for, many thanks.

I will also be gotten words to have been teaching tense usage incorrectly am learning last week.

24. The girls love Barbie dolls released as adopting the role of an adult woman were created.

I hope you didn’t get paid for that awful marketing slogan.

25. Sand blindness, like snow blindness, may cause a short lived vision reduction. To avoid it, you will need a great pair of UV resistant sunglasses or goggles. You’ll also will need ski poles to force past a lot of the denser spots of sand.

You’re so boring. You sound just like my old driving instructor with his constant naggitty nag nagging and his lectures about sitting correctly, and checking the gas meter, and watching out for pedestrians, and actually having your eyes open while driving, and would you shut up already and let me finish this bottle of vodka before I start the car?! So boring. Bring back the duck penis guy.

This is fast becoming a tradition, just like the “search term roulette“.

My Akismet plugin captures a bunch of comment spam people attempt to pass off as real comments. Then I share some select spam comments with you, my beloved audience.

Unfortunately, because Akismet blocks these comments, they are often incomplete, but they’re still entertaining.

1. The aged Mrs Kurt Cobain stated to Women’s arranged on each and every sole day time that her existence transformed while she was supplied the location purse 6 weeks before.

No wonder! Everybody loves the “location purse”. If I were supplied a location purse I’d be transformed too. If I ever got lost I’d be all like “Hey, location purse, what’s my location?” And then it would tell me. And then I’d know. Location purses are so handy.

2. The facts talked about in the article are some of the top obtainable.

Yup, I don’t settle for any of those lousy “low hanging facts”. I have a network of spies looking for the top obtainable facts on a daily basis, so that I can bring you jokes with the word “fuck” in them.

3. Superior Early morning, I just stopped in to visit your web site and assumed I’d say I experienced myself.

To be quite honest, this morning was mediocre at best. But I do love it when people experience themselves on my blog, so you’re welcome!

4. Thank you, this is the worst thing I’ve read.

You’re welc…what?! Man, now you hurt my feelings.

5. r u certain that is definitely true?

now u ask i think maybe not, lol.

6. I have study not a single post in your blog. You are a huge lad.

I’ve always thought of myself as a modestly sized lad. Is it my massive frame that prevented you from studying posts on my blog? I can try and move a bit.

7. The post is written in very a good manner and it entails much useful information for me. If you’re looking for discount baby diaper bags, you can’t find a better Hermes Birkin Bag Price bargain than a unique backpack style bag that gives parents se…

I was actually getting interested in this backpack style baby diaper bag, when your spiel abruptly cut off. I could picture myself running around the city with my backpack diaper bag, offering it to hapless parents in need, like a very practical superhero. Alas.

8. I think he laid out an elaborate technique of scheming and discussed the distress that awaited us.

Then he snuck inside your office while you were on a lunch break and spit in your Starbucks coffee. I know that guy. He’s the worst.

9. You are so awesome! I really don’t feel I have go through everything like this ahead of. So great to discover someone with some unique ideas on this topic. Many thanks for commencing this up.

You probably can’t see it, but I’m blushing on the inside. You get me. I really like commencing up some good old unique ideas about topics.

10. Study it, liked it, thanks for it.

That’s the slogan used for the grand opening of the “New Jersey School of Confused Tenses”! Stop plagiarizing!

11. You are my role designs. Thank you for that write-up.

Does that mean that you, too, are a huge lad?

12. I’ve a couple of question to you personally, write to people I don’t e-mail.

Sure, give me the list of people you don’t email and I’ll write to every single one of them with answers to your questions. I have plenty of time.

13. Say “thanks” you to your parents which they gave you the planet.

Holy shit, really? My mom never mentioned this. How humble of her. Although I kind of suspected she had a lot to do with the creation of the Earth. You should see her solve crossword puzzles – she kills it!

14. Good post. My spouse and I learn some thing more challenging on different websites everyday. It will usually be rousing to read content material business writers and practice some thing from their store. I’d prefer to use some using the content on my…

Hold on a second. You and your spouse read stuff written by business writers and then practice some things from their store? Your sex life is either terrible or amazing. Either way, I’m happy I could help out!

15. Your style is truly unique compared to other folks I have read things from. Thank you for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I will just book mark this weblog….

While you’re at it bookmark the year 1998, which is  when we stopped using the term “weblog”.

16. It’s an remarkable paragraph in favor of all the web people; they will take advantage from it I am sure….

I am generally the champion of all web people. It is about damn time we stopped seeing web people as inferior and began to realise how similar we actually are! Some of my best friends are web people, by the way.

17. I’ve a local community venture as properly as Bing has 4 numerous entries for it, all of which are inclined to be improper. How do I produce the correct itemizing and get rid of other individuals? Google does not demonstrate anywhere ideas on the idea…

Really? I’m actually quite surprised nobody knows the answer to this, because it’s so simple. All you need to do is itemize the value of numerous articles, then you send the singing armadillo to greet all participants with dreaming of lettuce. You’re done!

18. Seem, I don’t want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you’re alive you have obtained to flap your arms and legs, you have obtained to jump close to a whole lot, for life is the really opposite of death, and consequently you need to at extre…

If you’re undead and you know it flap your arms.
If you’re dead, but you don’t know it flap your legs.
When you’re jumping and obtaining, philosophically complaining
Just remember life’s the opposite of death!

– Daniel Nest, 2013

19. Learn to create himself, this post is from another supply.

That’s true. I have a few quality suppliers for my posts and I like to circulate between them. It improves my bargaining position, in case they want to jack up their prices.

20.  Sweet blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News. Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Thanks

Easy. Are you a royal baby or Katy Perry? If so, refresh the page. Congratulations: You are now listed on Yahoo News! If not, start throwing live chickens at people who pass by your window. You’ll be on Yahoo News in no time.

I get some comments on the blog. Not an avalanche of comments, but some. Comments from regular readers, comments from other bloggers, invisible comments from an evolved race of mutant fish that communicates with me exclusively via brain waves.

I also get a fair share of spam comments, or comment spam, if you’re feeling fancy, which I know you are, fancy pants. And that’s how you set a record for most commas in a single sentence, kids. Thankfully this comment spam gets caught by the extremely effective Akismet plugin. What’s great about it is that I still get to read the spam comments behind the scenes.

While my “Search Term Roulette” posts are all about making fun of stupid search terms, I don’t want to sink to that level here. No. Instead I want to take the time to respond to this comment spam in a manner becoming a respectful blogger. After all, somebody spent so much time to find my blog and write a dedicated, even if spammy, comment. Who am I to ignore them?