Yet again I return from a trip to the motherland.

Yes, it was good, thanks. Yes, I did drink vodka.  No, I didn’t force feed borsch to hapless tourists while screaming “this is what real freedom tastes like, you capitalist pigs!”.

Although yes, I did actually eat some borsch.

During this trip I have, for the first time ever, taken a bus from Kiev to Kharkov (my home city). The trip takes around 7 hours and is serviced by a company called Autolux.

Before I start ridiculing the company, allow me to make one thing clear: this was absolutely, hands down, the best bus experience of my life. Their buses are clean, comfortable, in great condition and all routes are serviced by a “stewardess” who serves tea, coffee and a selection of snacks. They run on schedule and are extremely affordable. You pay 165 hryvnas for the 500 km Kiev-Kharkov trip, while some taxis in Kiev will charge you around 300 hryvnas just to drive you from the airport to the city centre.

Unfortunately, they also have an English website. No, wait, I’m sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say is they have a Russian website that’s been poorly translated into English by a drunk guy armed with Google Translate and a lack of basic understanding of what words are. The whole website is a goldmine of material for Engrish.com. There is a bit of everything on it:  misused words, poor grammar,  incoherent ramblings of a raving lunatic, you name it!

Below I share with you some of the best examples of attempted English from the Autolux website. They are accompanied by fake feedback from equally English-challenged and non-existent Russian customers. Enjoy.

1. These buses is different from the others, the number of passenger seats — 29, it haves a big distance between the seats, and much more than conventional buses, and seats can be decomposed almost 180 degrees.

I attempt to make the rid of my “associate” in clean manner, but after ten hour travels by your bus he still no sign of decompose. Why false promise?

– Andrey “Knuckles” Vorkovsky, businessman and top mafia all-star.

 2. In case of failure of the load, the sender makes the return of the goods (forwarding).

I also invent time machine to forward the return, yet my load never fail!

– Sergey Puchenko, rocket scientist, duck hoarder, insane.

3. In this case, the payment may take an individual with a confidence and a private letter to the passport.

After five separate private letter to passport, still no reply. Passport have no heart. Where find the confidence?

– Mila Rantseva, cat lady, lonely.

4. Applications for abstraction of goods made ​​in advance, but not later than one day prior to shipment, and the movers services are not available.

Thank, is very clear. I place one application for advancing day of shipment to the movers outside the service abstraction, please!

– Vasily Korobeikin, linguistic genius.

5. Wherever there were customers, employees «Autolux» is always welcome them in any of our offices.

I was in the town and will have go to your office. Nobody is there. Now how will I placed order?

– Maria Karaseva, pensionist.

6. Now, more than 180 trucks of the company operates about 40 daily cargo flights between the cities of Ukraine, not counting the extra.

Very sad no delivery in my village of Extra. Very happy for flying truck. Scare neighbours, pick up the chicks, I like

– Petr Rtishenko, teenager, party guy, sexy symbols.

7. With more in their own vehicle park 50 new buses, «Autolux» executes as 40 daily passengers flights to most cities in Ukraine.

Sound like you need good lawyer, so many passenger “execute” (eye-close-open, eye-close-open, nods nods)

– Yaroslav Lebed, “lawyer”

8. In the case of non-payment of the goods returned to the sender only after the official request to the sender.

Need help. Goods refuse to pay money after many official request. Please return goods and bring new ones who willing to provide for payment

– Stanislava Kolach, model, future wife.

9. We value shipment and handling fees is a legal entity, in column 7 the name of the company or emergency.

Bear Attack Inc. would be delight in conduct the business with you

– Olga Gljantseva, CEO of such famous company as Burglary Ltd., Cat Stuck In Tree Ltd. and Set Fire To Crotch And Cannot Make Stop LLC.

10. Both transportation (sending cargo and sending payments for cash on delivery) are associated with one (the original), the number declaration.

There can been only the one

– High-Upper-Lands Man

11. Reimbursement shall be made in the original shipping point mandrel.

I is send flower to lady friend, receive some kind of a metal stick contraption with different part. Extreme satisfied!

– Anatoly Shjuka, plumber, Super Mario impersonator.