eBay Troll: “Magic Slim Pills”

It’s my birthday today! *pause for the standing ovation and rain of confetti, candy and larger presents (who threw those?!) to die down*

So I’ll share a mini-conversation with an eBay peddler of “magic” pills as my birthday gift to you. I don’t know how birthdays work.

Enjoy the bite-sized nonsense while I go attend to my Facebook wall (those birthday wishes aren’t gonna “like” themselves).

This magic is sold here

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

Hi Mr. Ming Gjing Dang,

I hope you can answer a few questions:

1) Can I expect to resemble the woman pictured on the box with the pills, after taking them?
2) If yes, how soon will this happen?

I thank you for your most honest and timely response,
Thank you!

From: Mingjingdang
To: Daniel  

hehe, the picture just a ad. you can not trust it completely. if you want a slim build I suggest you
go to gym and sport frequently.

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

Oh, I see. Ha, sorry for the confusion!

Do you happen to know if “Gym And Sport” is also available here on eBay? I assume it’s OK to take both product simultaneously without side effects?

Finally, if I do gym and sport, will I be able to look like the girl on the picture, you think?

From: Mingjingdang
To: Daniel 

Of course you can do it.

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

That is outstanding! Now I understand the “magic” part of the description.

In your experience, at what stage does the gender transformation begin? Will I first develop breasts or lose my penis. I’m asking because if the breasts come first I’ll have a very “awkward-looking” stage for a while.

Thanks again!

eMail Troll: “Dick’s Millions”

On the same day that I published my correspondence with an eBay “healer” I have received a standard scam letter from a “banker” in Dubai. He offered me millions of dollars for pretending to be some dead dude’s next of kin. You know, the kind of stuff that happens to all of us on a daily basis.

I responded with my typical brand of nonsense and, surprisingly enough, the guy has exchanged a few emails with me. He did cut communication a bit too early for my liking, but for what it’s worth, below you find the exchange in its original form. I have taken the liberty of cutting off some of Mr. Zaheya’s emails, because they were a bit too official and long winded.

You are also welcome to just skip/skim through most of his emails because they’re standard scam gibberish. I’ve used green in the sections of Zaheya’s emails that help you understand my responses, the rest can be safely skipped. Enjoy:

(side note: what is it with scammers and the use of the term “modality”? I haven’t heard that term used for over a year, except for my last two exchanges with scammers.)

From: Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
To: Daniel Nest
Subject:  From Mr. Zaheya E. Attar

From Mr. Zaheya E. Attar.
Manager Emirates NBD {national bank of Dubai} Khalediya
Branch. Moon tower, Zayed 1st street, Khalediya.
United Arab Emirate (U.A.E.)

I am pleased to get across to you for a very confidential and profitable business proposal. I got your contact while searching for a reliable person who would assist me to execute this life time business opportunity in my department. I deemed it fit to contact you to seek your assistance in this profitable project which requires trust and confidentiality.

An American/ Iraqi Foreign Oil Consultant /Contractor with the Chevron Petroleum Corporation Company , made a numbered time (fixed) deposit for twelve calendar months, Valued at US$10,000,000.00 (Ten Million Dollars) in my branch upon maturity. I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply.

After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Chevron Petroleum Corporation that Mr. Richard Burson died with his wife Mrs. Lenor Burson in a plane crash on October 31, 1999, (an Egyptian Boeing 767 Flight 990) with other passengers on board. Find the website before for your perusal. [website links deleted]

The most astonishing of my discovery was that, all records bear no next of kin, meaning no member of Late Mr. Richard Burson family knows about the deposit, therefore no member of his family will ever come forward to claim the fund. to avoid the bank to transfer the stipulate fund in a dormant as unclaimed funds to the emirates treasury account, the above stated funds must be claimed immediately by somebody who would stand as the Next of Kin of the late Mr. Richard Burson as the beneficiary, because according to the financial laws of United Arab Emirates, at the expiration of {13 years} this money will be reverted to the ownership of the Government treasury account if nobody applies to claim the fund.

Furthermore, this revelation is only known to me because I was his personal account officer in our bank before I was transferred to this present office. Hence I seek your collaboration to act as next of kin/beneficiary to late Mr. Richard Burson to claim the funds and move them into useful investments, we shall split the cash between our selves upon the confirmation of the money into your deem fit bank account. I am ready to offer you 40% of the total fund and 60% for me.

Please note that by the virtue of my position in the bank, Ive worked out the perfect modality on how to claim the fund and I shall provide the relevant information and documents for the successful claim and transfer of the funds in the account that would be provided by you, I can not stand at the forefront of this transaction because I work with the bank, that is why I have come to you for assistance, be rest assured that this project involves 100% risk free. Upon the receipt of your acceptance mail, I shall then provide you with more details that will help you understand this transaction. I will like you to provide immediately your private phone number and fax numbers for easy communication.

Awaiting your urgent reply via my confidential email address:
[email address]

Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
Emirates NBD
National bank of Dubai Khalediya branch.

From: Daniel Nest
To: Zaheya E. Attar
Subject:  RE: From Mr. Zaheya E. Attar

Most dearest Mr. E Attar, Zaheya,

I am deeply sorry to hear about Mr. Richard Burson, and not only because Dick Burson is such an unfortunate name to have. His untimely demise was so badly timed! His death took me completely by surprise, especially seeing how I only had the chance to know him for the duration of a few sentences, before he was so cruelly taken from me.

Do you know any more details about his death? Did he die of the crash itself, or was he possessed by the spirits of Native Indians who carried his soul to safety prior to the impact, as is very often the case in these situations?

I generally find your below proposal acceptable, although I am most puzzled by the suggested split of 60/40. I think we can both agree that I would be taking a very high risk by attaching my name to the transaction as Dick’s next of kin. Therefore, I will settle for nothing less than 42% of the total fund.

Now, on to the practical steps. Shall I book my flight to Dubai on my own credit card, or will you sponsor this trip to enable a face-to-face discussion on further actions?

The modality of this should be very perfect, as you have astutely alluded to in your email. I will settle for nothing less than perfection in such a sensitive matter and will expect nothing less from you.

Looking forward to your response,
Daniel Nest

From: Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
To: Daniel Nest
Subject:  Update/Guidelines…58/42% IS ACCEPTABLE  BY ME.

Dear Friend Daniel,

Thank you so much for the interest shown towards this transaction.

I feel the need to explain to you details first and procedure relating to these transaction by email , trust and confidential till the funds will disbursed to any trusted account provided by you and guarantee of my own share is my most concern, I dedicated myself to reply you these email because of the need for absolute secrecy in this transaction. And naturally since I cannot delegate anybody to reply such type of email, I had to do it personally because of its peculiarity I believe we can work together to achieve great success for onward remittance of the said funds, I want to begin by assuring you that we can consummate this transaction within 15 working days from the date of commencement. As the procedures relating to the transaction mentioned is not a complex one. And good enough it’s going to be a bank-to-bank transfer, therefore inherent risks are negated and its 100% risk free.

I will write a letter which would accompanied by your details in the form as i will state in my next email when I hear from you with your full details as i required, this you will forward to my bank’s Legal Adviser/Attorney. It will serve to introduce you to the bank, and of course trigger the processing of your transfer request. The bank will then carry out some verification procedures; example, they will demand for the deposit and death certificate of the deceased from you which is the procedure of long time deposit of investors according to Dubai financial rules and regulations, i already have the scan documents in my safe possession which will make every procedure smooth for us,

Every document that the attorney shall demand from you for verification of your claim, I shall provide. Therefore, after making the request through the Bank Attorney by completing and forwarding the form, he would naturally be expected to contact you via you email or phone.

Please ensure you utilize an email that only you have access to, and I will also need to stress the fact that the foregoing must be kept strictly between the two of us. Your email to the Attorney should also serve to request from the department the procedure (s) involved in claiming the funds entitled to you vis-à-vis the documents I shall make available to you to forward to him when they demands for such. I need to again stress the need for the two of us to work together to achieve success as true friends for the sake of successful end in these transaction,

I want you to assure me that you will only take the percentage that I have already put forward to you, and nothing more. Humans tend to always have a change of heart in issues relating to money. And since it is going to be your account the funds will be transferred to, I need to be able to trust you, and have a complete feel of confidence that my share will also accrue to me when we conclude this transaction. The nature of this transaction is the type that I cannot do alone without the help of an outsider. I am putting at stake my years of experience within the industry. This transaction is 100% risk free provided you follow my instruction.

And I want you to keep this transaction confidential regards to my status as a banker I don’t want anything that will spoil or tarnish my image as well as yours because I have a name here to protect. Please if you have any questions feel free to ask because through question and answer that is when you will understand the transaction very well.

Based on the above intention, I hereby propose the following conditions.

1.) You will provide a safe Bank account either in your country or any country of your choice where the money will be transferred into.

2.) You will give me a Guarantee to assure that my share will be transferred into an account (which I will later open in your country) after funds have been confirmed in your account.

3.) You must maintain absolute confidentiality during and after the transaction. If you accept the above conditions, reply immediately to enable us proceed and for further details.

I look forward hearing from you.

Best regards,

Mr. Zaheya E, Attar

From: Daniel Nest
To: Zaheya E. Attar
Subject:  RE: Update/Guidelines…58/42% IS ACCEPTABLE  BY ME.

Dear new BFF Zaheya,

I thank you for your most fastest response. Your commitment to the modality of this operational directive is obvious and reinforces my trust in you as a business partner.

I want to assure you that I will do my utmost to keep this matter confidential. As we both know, using our regular Yahoo! emails provides the best degree of confidentiality, since Yahoo! is run by a secret cartel of spies and all correspondence is appropriately encrypted on our behalf. I suggest we continue using Yahoo! as our primary communication channel until I arrive to Dubai. Agreed?

A practical update. To honour my commitment to you I have already done the following:

  1. Legally updated my middle name to “Burson”
  2. Performed a minor plastic surgery to make myself better resemble what I believe Dick looked like. Since you haven’t provided me with a photograph I had to go with my instincts. My eyebrows were made slightly bushier and my chin has acquired a distinct pear shape. I look like Borat. If you send me Dick Burson’s picture I’m sure I can disguise my identity even more successfully.
  3. Booked a ticket to Dubai. I am currently residing in Vilnus, Lithuania, so I will be flying with Austrian Airlines via Viena. I arrive to Dubai on flight OS839, Sunday the 25th of November at 21:50.

Will you provide accommodation in Dubai, or shall I reserve a discreet room in a hostel somewhere? If I do so, I strongly suggest not using my real name. I will go with something like “Queen Latifa”, to cover up both my true identity and gender. Please tell me if you find this acceptable.

I find every one of your three conditions 100% acceptable and would settle for nothing less.

Looking forward to meeting you and shaking your hand vigorously, like a true Burson would!

Your trusted accomplice,
Daniel Burson Nest

From: Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
To: Daniel Nest
Subject:  Prior to your arrival, you have to open a communication with Emirates NBD legal Department.


Dear Friend,

Indeed again thank you very much for your cooperation and understanding towards this transaction. all we need is a bank account that would be able to accommodate such magnitude, provided you are the sole signatory to the account. and the funds will be remitted directly to your provided bank account. Regards to your intended trip to the United Arab Emirates I would like to make it clear to your understanding, that I have not invited you here, and you have not even perform the required process for this inheritance claim, at the moment if you intend to come down here, good and fine, but you should have it in your mind that its your responsibilities to arrange for proper place of accommodation prior to your arrival, you would be warmly welcome at anytime here in UAE.

Note:You are expected to make contact with the Legal Consultant National Bank of Dubai (Emirates NBD) the official email (which i have provided below ) by writing a letter requesting them to commence processing your inheritance fund transaction for the purpose of onward transfer to your nominated account which you shall provide for them. I have taken out time to draft this letter which you would copy and send to them. The details you need to complete I have left out in blank. Please make sure you fill them out before sending the letter.

They may likely request of some documents which can only be accessed by the next of kin of the deceased owner of the funds you and I are trying to move out of the bank. Those documents I shall provide to you also in order to forward to them whenever they requests for such doccuments. The Legal consultant is expected to come to our bank and seek for clarification and clearance over the letter you send to the legal department . This is where I shall also participate actively. Been the Manager of the branch where the funds of the deceased customer is been kept, I shall authorize the clearance letter to them by confirming that you are truly the next of kin of the deceased customer and therefore the bank authorizes that the funds be transferred unto you.

Below are the contact details of the Legal Consultant of our bank and a draft of the letter you need to send over to (Emirates NBD) legal department after completing your details properly. Note: theres every need for you to visit your email more often this time, because you have to be more puntual as we addvance to te next stage of this venture.


Mr.Zaheya E,Attar

[deleted a long drafted letter with an “application form” requesting my bank account, name, SWIFT code, address, etc.]

From: Daniel Nest
To: Zaheya E. Attar
Subject:  50% / 50% and a gesture of trust!


Dear Zaheya,

I am saddened by the tone you have chosen to take in your last email.

I think we can both agree that mutilating my face, changing my middle name and the purchase of a rather expensive ticket to Dubai show a pretty high level of commitment to the success of our operation and the continued perpetuation of its progressively modal state.

Instead of praising my dedication you have shown dissatisfaction and ingratitude by revoking your prior invitation to Dubai. Moreover, you have refused to provide any details about Dick Burson, my now-third-cousin. I am beginning to have second thoughts and fifth feelings about your proposal.

However, I am still more than willing to proceed with our agreement, on the following conditions:

1) The split is now 50% / 50%
2) You send me a photo of Richard Burson, so I can prepare a more convincing performance.
3) You write “Sorry, Daniel, I was wrong to be mad at you” in your next email.

Please understand that I am not trying to back out of the arrangement, but to merely cement our future partnership by mutual disclosure of stated modulations.

I fully expect to honour your requests, which is why I will bring the filled out application form to our personal meeting at the end of November.

Your trusted confidant,
Daniel Burson Nest

PS: I am planning on booking a room at Burj Al Arab. Please tell me if that is within your budget or whether you prefer that I reserve a cheaper place.

My “Unresponsive Scammer” Collection

Hi all,

I am currently stranded without any money in the country of Lisompo, which you may have heard of, but definitely haven’t. Also, I’m afraid I’m dying of old age, which really sucks when you’re only 30.

If you don’t act immediately to transfer a million dollars out of my account into yours, all is lost! Because that’s how banks work!

Please send me your bank information details and I’ll tell you how you can send me money that you’ll never see again.


So…yeah…today’s post is about scammers again. Ever since the wildly successful “My correspondence with a scammer” post, I have been writing back to scammers in the hope that they’d bite. Unfortunately, none of them have displayed the same combination of cluelessness and dedication as Linda Hicks, so I haven’t gotten any real conversations going yet. I promise to keep trying!

Nevertheless, I wanted to share with you a few of my responses to scammers, because I find them quite amusing (if I do say so myself, which I just did). Maybe some of you will find inspiration in these and start your own conversations with scammers? Maybe nothing at all will happen? The possibilities are virtually endless!

This may seem like a bit of a lazy post strategy. That’s because it totally is! I don’t want to use the work excuse again, but we do have another project “sprint” at work that started 10 days ago and will continue for another week. So I decided that instead of falling off the radar completely this time, I’ll share my inbox with you.

As with the Linda Hicks post I censor all website links, but leave the rest of the email content untouched. Enjoy:

Scammer 1 – “Let’s Succeed Together”:


My name is Angie Scott and I would really love to tell you how nest-expressed.com can rank even better in Google.

I’m a SEO expert working at SEO Sheriff and while doing a research for some of my partners I found your email address and decided to contact you at once.

If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional information and all the details needed to make it happen.


My response 1:

Hi Angie,

How are you? Hope you are as well as a whale under a spell (it’s a saying we have in Iceland)!

Thank you very much for contacting me! I would certainly be interested in receiving details, information, and other paraphernalia from you pertaining to the offer.

By the way, I love the subject of your email – “let’s succeed together”. That’s so well put! I am a fan of succeeding and I absolutely love togetherness too. Combining those two is just like dipping a cookie in chocolate milk! Have you tried that? Delicious!

Anyways, hope to hear from you,


PS: Pardon my ignorance, but what does SEO mean? My guess is Site Enhancement Organisation?

Scammer 2 – “Advertising”:

Good day,

My name is Ben and I run a website [name] I really like the quality of articles you publish and I think that the target audience on your site would even benefit if you were to link to mine in your posts.

So, I have a proposal. I want to sponsor your regular posts. You simply continue writing articles – as you normally do, they are very good! And in the end of your article – state: “This article was written in association with [name], educational resource about the most famous scientists. Save on Textbooks online.”

You can change the text of the “bio” if you would like to edit something.

If it is possible to upload a small website logo by the bio – that would also be great. It’s like sponsored posts, but you do not have to write anything extraordinary – just your regular updates, which I like very much!

Kindly, write me back if you are interested – how many sponsored posts you would accept from me and what would be the price. If you have expected publication dates – let me know too.

Thank you very much for running such a great website!

Ben Anderson

My response 2:

Good day, or, as they say where I come from, “Good day”!

First of all, congratulations on running a site that is dedicated to scientists and their famousity – you’re saving lives, I’m sure!

Secondly, I fully agree that my target audience would benefit from learning about scientists that are famous! We all know that juvenile humour and science go together like spare ribs and watermelon!

I’d like to suggest a bio, more along the lines of:

“Love sciency stuff? Love websites that begin with “f”? Then you’ll love [name]! Head on over and get your science on!”

What do you think?

May I ask, if I may, which one of my articles was your favourite? The one with the cat going on hunger strike? The one with a list of things you shouldn’t eat together with marshmallows? Or a third one? I’m just curious, so that I know what quality content to keep delivering!

Until the next point in the space-time continuum,

Scammer 3 – “Hello Dear”:

Hello Dear,

My name is Miss Aminata Bangali, resident in Ghana, Africa: The main reason I have decided to contact you today is to seek your assistance to help me transfer my INHERITED MONEY DEPOSITED IN A SECURITY AND FINANCE COMPANY in MADRID SPAIN to your country for investment.

I am the next of kin to the DEPOSIT, but because I lack experience and the situation with me here as a refugee, I decided to contact you to stand as my Trustee and Representative to release the money from the company and transfer it to your country..If you are interested, please let me know and I will give you the full details..

Thank You,
Miss Aminata Bangali.

My response 3:

Dear Aminata,

Thank you for contacting me, resident of Europe, Earth!

The wise teachings of the Seven High Lords of Gratitude tell me that all good deeds must be performed when requested. Therefore, I hesitate not at all when assistance of mine you ask.

Please relate the details of this to me in full and I shall carry your burden on my broad shoulders like Hercules, or at least like “The Rock”.

May you be blessed by the All-Seeing Star of the Cossacks in the sky,

My correspondence with a scammer

While I’ve made fun of spammers and scammers a number of times it has always been impersonal. I never knew who these spammers were and didn’t have any direct contact to them…until now.

Last week I was contacted by a lady under the name of Linda Hicks, offering me money to place a text advert on the blog. I must admit that, although I pride myself on being immune to any and all scams because I’m awesome, my initial reaction was to send an email indicating interest and requesting further details.

It was only after I’d sent the email that I conducted a thorough investigation through my extensive network of undercover spies and government agents. OK, OK, I Googled her, same difference!

Initiating worldwide scanning protocol…

Turns out Linda Hicks is a scammer, promising people annual payments that she never delivers. I have also verified this story with a fellow Twitter user who apparently got scammed.

Somewhere between realising she was a scammer and not thinking things through I decided to try and mess with her head. I have found out that she shares her name with a singer, who by the way is completely uninvolved in this whole story. Using this fact and my powers of making up stupid nonsense on the fly I launched into an email exchange with Linda.

I was afraid she wouldn’t respond to the increasingly far fetched and nonsensical emails I kept sending her, but to my absolute joy – she did! And soon her “standard” responses have become more and more affected by the gibberish I was writing.

What follows below is the correspondence in its entirety. I have deleted some links and the name of Linda’s company. I’m not sure whether she’s using an unaffiliated legitimate firm as her cover and I don’t want them to get a bad name if that’s the case. Everything else in the correspondence is completely unaltered.

I’m inserting all of the correspondence (12 emails total) to provide full disclosure and build the background for the story. It even includes my initial (and in hindsight naive) response. The madness doesn’t start until email number 4, so you may want to skip right ahead to that one. Also, Linda doesn’t start shaping her responses to my nonsense until email number 7.

I hope that by wasting at least a bit of her time and exposing her here I’ve given Linda some food for thought. If not – well it was fun for me!


Email 1:

Hi Daniel,

I work for [deleted]; a UK based Digital Marketing Consultancy.

We represent clients interested in social media marketing on smaller sites with little or no existing advertising and we’re currently looking for advertising partners.

We pay a fixed upfront annual fee which we will agree on with you. Once the ad is in place, payment is made within approximately 48 hours.

Would you be interested in placing a small text-based ad on Nest-Expressed.com?

Kind regards,
Linda Hicks

Email 2:

Hi Linda,

Thanks for contacting me!

I am generally in favour of keeping my site clean of ads at the moment.

Having said that, it would depend largely upon the intrusiveness of the ad, its placement and the content it would link to. If it is something that is aligned with the main theme of the blog (namely humour / entertainment), then there’s a chance it would work to complement the blog.

Do you have something specific in mind?


Email 3:

Hi Daniel,

Thanks for getting back to me!

My proposal is to add a new page on your website:

Basically, we would like you to create a new post or article on your blog to accommodate our client’s ad.

We will provide you with the URL, and you can link to it in any manner you see fit. You can write the page in review format or simply write about the usual topics on Nest-expressed.com.

We represent Non–gaming Clients such as: Finance, Telecommunications, Tourism, Jeweller, Insurance etc. and Online Gaming Clients (casino, poker or bingo sites).

The rate we can offer you is 150 USD per annum. We aim to complete payment via secure payment partners Paypal or Moneybookers within 1 to 2 business days of the advert going live on your site.

You may read our terms and conditions: [deleted]

To give you an idea of what a text advert looks like, please view our example: [deleted, a Disney site] where the anchor is ‘Virgin Atlantic’.

If you are interested, please let me know. We’ll then send over the client’s URL (subject to your approval) so you can proceed with the draft of the advert.

Also, if you manage or own other sites, I’ll be glad to check them out as well. The price may vary depending on the website. The fee is PER advert so multiple sites will generate bigger profit.

Please let me know if you have any questions I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Kind regards,

Email 4:

Hi Linda,

Happy Sunday! Did you know that Sunday is considered by many to be the seventh day of the week?

I’ve been having trouble with my email lately, so unfortunately I wasn’t able to read the even lines of your last email. Can I please ask you to write only on odd lines going forward?

As far as I understood you want me to pay Virgin Atlantic to have Disney promote my adverts, correct?

Also, does the sum of 150 USD depend on the quality of writing and the amount of inappropriate jokes, or is it a fixed amount?

Looking forward to hearing your clarifications.

All the best,

PS: Congratulations on your debut album! I’m sure “In the Corner” will get the great reviews it deserves!

Email 5:

Hi Daniel,

We now have the details you need to include the advert on your site. Please let me know if this suits you.

Our client: [deleted]
Our price: 150 USD

We simply ask that you write a new blog post on your site – it can be about anything. Once you have written the new post/article you just need to find a section/word in the content and then link it to [deleted]

– you are free to use any word as your anchor text
– you can place the link anywhere on the page – before, within or after the article.
– we only need one hyperlink in the entire page

Finally you will need to publish the new page live on your system and ensure that it is correctly linked from the homepage of your site.

– again, you are free to use any word as your anchor text on the homepage
– you can place the link in the navigation, sidebar or footer. If your site automatically shows recent posts, we can just use that as the link to the new page.

I hope you’ll find everything in order and acceptable. Once you decide to insert the advert and have made it active, please send me confirmation. Please include your PayPal or Moneybookers address so that I can arrange payment to you right away.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions or concerns. We’ll be glad to adjust accordingly.

Thanks very much and I look forward to your reply!

Kind regards,

Email 6:

Hi Linda,

Excellent! Thanks for accepting. This is great! Is there any chance I also can get a signed copy of your critically acclaimed “In The Corner” along with the payment?

I have to remind you that, as duly stated in my prior email pertaining to henceforth therein, I am unable to see what you write on odd lines, so I end up missing half of your message.

However, I think I have understood what’s needed. Please correct me if this is wrong:

You want me to write a gambling article about anchors and then place it on Disney’s site. Thereafter Virgin will transfer a sum of 150 USD to me.

This sounds simple enough, so I think it’s more than acceptable!

Vis-a-vis payment, I do indeed have a “pay pal”, and his name is Mike. He can stop by to collect the money any weekday from 12:00 to 17:00 and some Sundays after 12:00 (he plays poker on Saturdays). Shall I give you his contact number?

Looking forward to working with you on this exciting project. Let’s change the children’s future together!

All the very best,

Email 7:

Hi Daniel,

Thank you for your email.

I think there may have been a bit of misunderstanding. We are looking for a new page on nest-expressed.com. Is this possible?

If yes, please write an article about anything you fancy, insert a few relevant texts about our client, and then pick a word most relevant to gaming and then link it to the client’s site: [deleted]

To clarify, the Disney site with the Virgin Atlantic link is just a sample. We are looking for a page similar to it.
Are you OK with this? If yes, please let me know when the article has been added on your site.

As for payment, we can only send payments through PayPal or MoneyBookers for billing and tracking purposes. Do you have a PayPal account we can use for this?

Thanks Daniel. I look forward to hearing from you.

Warmest regards,

Email 8:

Hi Linda,

Thank you for the Speedy Gonzales response, that was fast!

I am a bit surprised that Disney and Virgin Atlantic decided to suddenly back out of this lucrative opportunity. I was counting on their loyal support, resources and wacky cartoon characters! It’s strange to see large corporations suddenly acting in their own self-interest – what is this, the Upside Down Universe?!

However, we can of course proceed without them. We can persevere! We. Are. Legend! Do you agree?

Since you insist on using both odd and even lines in your emails I still struggle to get the full meaning of your communication. Not to worry, here’s what we do:

1) Mike, my “pay pal”, will contact you sometime during but not later than before next Sunday. Where can he reach you?
2) I will set up an exact copy of the Disney site under a different name, as per your explicit request.
3) Once payment has been received we can set up a Party Poker page on this site, generating revenue and keeping us in business.

I don’t want to keep begging, but I’m still very much interested in a signed copy of “In The Corner”, if you find it convenient.

Once again, thank you for this fantastic opportunity. It is a true pleasure to set out on this wondrous journey with you!

Have a great weekend and get back to me soonest.

Peas, love, and muskets,

Email 9:

Hi Daniel,

Thank you for your email.

I think you got me confused with another Linda Hicks (the singer). That’s not me, unfortunately.

I believe you got the whole thing wrong. You don’t need to set up another Disney site./page. What we need is a new page, under Nest-expressed.com.

This new page will contain an article written by you, with our client’s link within it.

Also, we can only pay via PayPal. Unfortunately we can’t give the payment to “Mike”.

Kind regards,

Email 10:

Hi Linda,

My sincere apologies for the confusion. You sounded a bit upset in your email. Please bear with me, I’m new to building online money empires!

Do you have any contact to Linda Hicks, the singer? If so, please pass on my humble wish to be blessed with a signed copy of her majestic CD.

Back to business, because money talks and dead horse won’t beat itself, as they say.

I’m afraid we do indeed face a crisis of communication, and perhaps only odd lines of my email are reaching you as well? In order for me to be sure, in your next response please copy and paste the following 5 lines of bullets, so that I know both you and I are getting each others messages in their entirety:

  • All
  • Your Base
  • Are
  • Belong
  • To Us

If I fail to receive the above list in your email “as is” then I’ll know something is wrong and will have to switch to a different email or contact Yahoo! customer support.

Now, I understand you are hesitant to deal with Mike, but I can assure you he’s really good at his job. His drinking problem is behind him and he only has blackouts once every month now, at worst! However, should you insist on finding an alternative solution, I can arrange a pick-up by Peter instead.

OK, I think we’re very close to getting to the bottom of this misunderstanding. We are like Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, you and I. Except for our names are different and I’m not a Dr., are you?

I think we can have something up and running already next week, should our differences be resolved.

May you forever be in the eternity of time,

Email 11:

Hi Daniel,

We have decided to move to another direction and contact a different advertiser instead. I sincerely thank you for your time.

Kind regards,

Email 12:

Hi Linda,

I must say I’m quite shocked by this unexpected change of heart. First Disney, then Virgin Atlantic, now you as well? I expected better! But maybe that’s my problem – always seeing the good instead of seeing the tree in the forest for a gift horse that it is?!

I have already started on an article for you and told Peter and Mike to stand by, but if you wish to go another direction, then so be it.

I will accept a copy of “In the Corner” (it doesn’t have to be signed) as a token of your good will and as apology for you having turned your back on me. However, I completely expect you to break this promise as well.

Should you change your mind and instead decide to proceed as per previously proposed promise pertaining to provision of payment for a promotional project, I am willing to re-consider.

In any case, may the odds be forever in your favour – you had me at “Hello”!

Disappointedly distressed,