25 more search fails

I’ve done this twice before (Part 1 is here, Part 2 is here), so I’ll spare you a long-winded intro. Here’s a short-winded one:

People search for things on the Internet. Some people are strange. So are their search terms. Here are the search terms used to find my blog. I present them in unmanipulated form (except corrected spelling), with my ever-so-insightful commentary:

1. Why do smart people wear thick glasses?

Smart people are unpredictable and dangerous, it’s in their nature. If your friend starts acting strange and wearing thick glasses, make sure to alert the authorities. He’s a ticking time bomb.

2. The weirdest way to use a cardboard box

Make it look like a small robot, draw the face of your favourite actor on it, put it on a leash and drag it with you everywhere while making the following sound effects “Bop, beep, be-bop, kssssh, mbop bop”. If someone asks you what that’s all about you throw the box at them, start running in another direction while screaming “Sorry AJ8 Model T1, you’re on your own now!”

Or you could use a cardboard box to store faeces and shampoo bottles…that would also be weird. You’re welcome.

3. Door that says not a door

Is a liar and isn’t worthy of your time.

4. Laptop head

Banana train!

5. What does it mean to see a giraffe in a coffee cup?

It probably means the poor fella is trapped. Giraffes are hopelessly attracted to the smell of coffee. When they’re out pollinating tulips they will often get disoriented and fly directly into unattended coffee cups. If you can, try to fish him out with a piece of paper folded in half (size A4 or larger will do) and carry him out to the grass so that he can dig his way back to his cave. Don’t be a monster!

6. Do you spray hairspray on insect collections?

You do many things when you’re in an asylum: spray hairspray on insect collections, use chopsticks to actually chop things, punch tiny invisible crocodiles. Possibilities are endless. Read more in our brochure!

7. Women like what type of spectacles on men?

Women have a flair for spectacles. They’re walking drama factories, so any spectacle will do. Just don’t scare the neighbours, they definitely don’t like spectacles.

8. Sexy texts before any

No, no, NO! Only sexy texts after many!

9. How do you reply to a sexy text photo?

That depends. Have you known this text photo for a while? Then you’re allowed to be frank with it and use first names when replying. Otherwise, to be on the safe side use “Mr.” and “Mrs.” when replying to a text photo. Text photos are easily offended.

10. She sent a sexy text to me

Yeah she’s like that, I know.

11. How to avoid Bieber hair?

They thought they could fight it. They thought they could avoid it. They were wrong. This winter they will face a foe unlike any they’ve seen before. Can they make it? Will any of them survive? No, they won’t! “Revenge of Bieber Hair”. Coming soon.

12. Cyber dreams that haunt and kill

Matrix 4: Sleepy Time

13. Butt too big

Food too much

14. What should know a secret agent?

Not to use the Internet for intelligence gathering, for starters.

15. What is hairspray used for?

Nobody truly knows. Ancient Egyptians studied hairspray in a lot of detail. Unfortunately,  their knowledge was lost to us when the “Hairpsray Scrolls” were stolen.

16. Sexts to send to guys about planes

Oh yeah, tell me more about the Boeing 747. I love jumbo jets!

17. How to protect yourself from hair spray?

The only reliable way is an underwater substation.

18. Tight butts funny

True. Tight butts make excellent stand-up comics!

19. Sitting in chair damage to penis

You’re doing some seriously aggressive sitting, sir.

20. A good job for a man with glasses

An actor, portraying a man with glasses. And…aaahm…I don’t know, I’m drawing a blank.

21. How to dress like Captain Von Trapp?

I’d recommend wearing the same clothes as him, but I guess that would be too easy, wouldn’t it?

22. Tips again apocalypse nest

I don’t even…I mean…what?!

23. Words to use for penis when writing a sexy text to him

Little Italy. Captain Sulu. The Steadfast Tin Soldier. Our Precious. These should get you started…let me know how it goes.

24. Men wet tight paints

Men’s shirt, short skirts, oh, oooh, oh. Man, I feel like a woman.

25. Empty inside question mark

The saddest question mark of all.

Part IV – Christmas edition, is here

____________________

What kind of search terms do people use to get to your blog? Have you ever tried writing a sexy text to a giraffe trapped in a coffee cup? Butts funny big too?!

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6 self-defence gadgets (invented by lunatics)

The world is full of crazy people. This is a scientific fact verified by prominent contemporary thinkers (citation needed) and readily observable in any comment thread on Youtube.

Previously I have taken on the nutjobs that sell stuff on eBay, exposed crazies that send spam and even described my first-hand experience of living with a psycho flatmate.

However, not all crazy folk are out to sell you “haunted” items, spam you with porn, or murder you for leaving windows open. Some of them are dedicating efforts towards a greater good. They are working tirelessly to invent the next breakthrough in the world of self-defence equipment. They want you to feel safe when you leave your house, armed with the knowledge that you can handle whatever trouble may come your way.

Unfortunately, having good intentions does not negate the effects of being mad as a bag of rabies. Here are some self-defence inventions that are less “self-defence” and more “unbridled insanity”. As an added bonus, most of them are much more likely to hurt you than your attackers.

6. Self Defence Wearable

Do you know what the problem is with most self defence gadgets? They’re simply too dangerous for the user. They either require a high level of expertise in martial arts to be used effectively, or, even worse, can be used against you by your attacker. At least that’s the claim the inventors of this “self defence wearable” want us all to accept.

Alright, I’ll bite. I see how a can of pepper spray may be wrestled from me and turned against me in a scuffle. Oddly enough, I’d like to avoid having my own weapons used against me. So, what can you offer me, oh great inventors?

Warning: Avoid rain and/or touching the ground while wearing this item

I…see. It’s a sort of jacket. With high voltage wires running through it. That you wear. On your body. Having reviewed this patent I have a lot of questions. Actually no, I only have one question, and that question is “what the fuck?”.

Basically, the designers took the effectiveness of a taser and put it into a more “suicide-friendly” package. Call me conservative, but I usually prefer my clothes to have no electricity running through them.

But maybe I’m being unreasonably harsh. Afterall, the inventors are clearly aware of the inherent danger present in using self-defence gadgets and explicitly set out to solve this very issue. Surely, they must have invented some fail-safe mechanism to prevent the wearers from zapping themselves?

Ah, there we go: the only way this jacket can be charged is by a “clenching of the wearer’s hand, a natural response to an attack situation“. Right, a natural response to an attack situation…or to, I don’t know, a handshake, maybe? Sounds like this jacket could make for some hilariously awkward job interviews.

Is it your electrifying personality or do I have a high voltage current running through me right now?

But again, I’m being unfair. The inventors also propose alternative ways to put the jacket into a charged state, including a key switch, a dial and…a coded keypad. Wait, what?! You seriously expect me to punch in a number sequence in order to activate my electric death-trap of a garment? In the middle of an attack? Look, if my attacker is so damn stupid that he waits patiently while I type in a pin-code on my self-defence jacket, then I probably could’ve defeated him with a moderately difficult jigsaw puzzle.

5. Self Defence Weapon Or Similar Article

It claims to be a self defence weapon (or similar article). It looks like what would happen if a bottle opener fucked a key. In reality, it’s probably neither of those three. The truth is, we’ll never know, because this patent provides zero textual description. To compensate, it offers four drawings of the same device from four different angles:

At first I was like: “what the hell is this thing?”. Now I’m like: “what the hell are these things?!”

I can only assume that you’re supposed to clench the broad piece in your fist like brass knuckles and jab the protruding blunt “key” part into the attacker’s face. Which begs the question: why not just get a set of brass knuckles? Immediately after that it begs another question: why have the inventors of this device not been institutionalised yet? When you look at brass knuckles and decide that they can be improved by attaching a key to them, then you’re clearly missing crucial reasoning skills.

4. Hand-Held Self-Defence Device

This one is perfect for serious hunters and casual serial killers. The device takes the above idea of improving on the regular “vanilla” brass knuckles one step closer to “nightmarish”.

That’s a pretty contrived gang sign!

The device is intended to have multiple protrusions for “hooking or striking” the assailant. Inventor’s original draft included additional protrusions for “skinning” and “filleting”, but his lawyers and psychiatrists managed to convince him that serving a prison sentence wasn’t as fun as it sounded.

You think I’m blowing this out of proportion, don’t you? Well here’s a fun fact: “the device may also be used to hook the assailant’s orifice or pressure point, such as mouth, eye, ear, etc.“.

First, this text was probably lifted directly from the diaries of Jack The Ripper. Second, if I have the finesse required to perform such hooking manoeuvres, then I really don’t need a “self-defence” gadget. I can just kill the assailant with some chewing gum and a safety pin. Also, I’m probably wanted for multiple murders in over a dozen countries.

Finally, the inventor maintains that it is “desirable to have a defense device that may be designed to fit a variety of sizes, ranging from small children to full-sized adults“. I will let that sink in for a moment…

There are two possible ways to interpret the above statement. Both are equally horrifying and neither one is remotely sane. This device is designed to be used either:

a) against small children. Well, at least we won’t have any more toddlers mugging people on the street.

or

b) by small children. This…this is actually more horrifying. I don’t know about you, but I’m bracing myself for the imminent invasion of the inventor’s child-ninja army.

On the plus side, “the device also functions as a key chain“. How…cute?

3. Animal Defensive Barrier And Exercise Device

How many times has this happened to you:

You’re out for a jog on a sunny day, when suddenly you’re attacked by an uncontrollable dog. You frantically search for a way to defend yourself. You know that a nearby stone or stick isn’t enough for you. The only thing you can think of is a device that can be swung around, thereby creating a “defensive barrier” between yourself and the vicious animal. Oh, and it should make a whistling sound. Oh yeah, it should also serve as exercise equipment once you’re done defending yourself.

If you have answered anything other than “all the fucking time”, then congratulations on still being in control of your mental faculties. If you have answered “all the fucking time”, then you’re the inventor of this self-defence/exercise device.

According to the inventor, dog attacks on “joggers, walkers and bicyclists” are such a pressing issue and things like “canes, sticks, ropes, etc.” are so ineffectual at dealing with it that the only solution is his device.

So, what is this device? Well, it’s kind of a whistle. Attached to a rope. You swing it around and it whistles. That’s about it.

How does this help you ward off dogs and other animals? I’m glad you asked! You see….it’s because the defence barrier…when you swing it, it activates…you know what? I’ll just let the inventor’s drawing speak for itself:

The dog cannot penetrate this defensive barrier, because, as we all know, dogs don’t think in 3D.

Ironically, one of the issues the inventor wants to address is the fact that other devices “can excite the animal“, instead of scaring it off. I’m not sure how a whistle swinging wildly is supposed to do anything other than “excite” the animal. Then again, I’m also not filling out patent applications from the inside of an insane asylum.

2. Leak-proof Self Defence Liquid Squirt Gun

The inventor of this device is a humble soul. His gun merely “satisfies a 100-year old search for a definitive defense (especially by women) against human predators or vicious dogs“. 100 years? That’s a very specific figure. Did people only start searching for self-defense tools in the late 19th century (the patent application is from 1992)?  Or is the inventor’s knowledge of human history inversely proportional to his level of insanity? You be the judge.

Apparently, an aerosol can was an ineffective system of delivering pepper spray to the eyes of assailants. This guy decided to rectify the problem by putting “disabling fluid” into a tiny clownish gun instead. The inventor’s ambitions for this gun are so high that he’s convinced that “eventually the sight of it will have an effective defense by reputation“. Yes, would-be attackers – you may be tough now, but wait until you see this:

Honk Honk!

It’s hard to believe that the phrase “my predator-zapping squirt gun” has been written by anyone other than a five-year old acting out a battle between unicorns and aliens (he’s a confused child, leave him alone).

To make things even more awkward, the inventor repeatedly refers to the invention as “my squirt gun“. If this isn’t an intentional euphemism for his sexual prowess then it leaves him wide open to all sorts of crude jokes. But I’ll be mature about this and…”my squirt gun fulfils a social vacuum of need universally recognized“.

Dude, the only way your “squirt gun” is fulfilling a social vacuum of need is if you’re firing blanks. God forbid you should ever reproduce!

1. Self-Retrieving Attack Ball

Combining the elasticity of a yo-yo with the skull-crushing lethality of a flail this fun device puts “merry” in “murder”. The inventor takes departure in the following crazy premise:

A trained base ball pitcher should be able to repulse any attacker with a weapon short of a fire arm if the base ball pitcher has a score of balls. The problem is the impracticality of carrying a score of balls as a self-defense weapon.

The only possible problem the inventor sees with using baseballs as self-defence weapons is the inconvenience of carrying them. When you start out on a crazy note like that, where do you go from there?

“‘Get over here!’ No, I mean ‘Get out of here!’. Hmmm, I’ll work on it”

Right…I’m sorry I asked. This device literally functions as a yo-yo, except for instead of the axle it has a solid ball “with a plurality of protrusions such as spikes or barbs” and has the “combined potency of a ball and chain flail and hundreds of base balls“. I would think that a measly ball-and-chain flail is more than sufficient for “self-defence” purposes. Following that up with “hundreds of baseballs” seems completely redundant. Or is the inventor just that fond of baseball analogies for murder?

This invention was originally pitched to Muammar Gaddafi as a torture device, but Muammar replied that it was a bit too “Gaddafi” for his taste. Its inventor quickly re-pitched the ball as a self-defence tool, forgetting to change the title from “attack ball” in the process.

Do you want to know the scariest part? The inventor has actually been granted a patent for this device, instead of being sent off to Alcatraz. So the next time you’re at a baseball game and you spot a guy swinging a yo-yo around…well, you better have some sort of a self-defence gadget on you.

Living with a psycho: a true story (Part I)

Everyone knows flatmates can be difficult. They leave their socks all over the place, hog the TV and constantly keep nagging you about something called “rent”. But what if your flatmate is an undiagnosed schizophrenic prone to sporadic outbursts of insanity?

Meet Bent. Yes, that’s his real name, and as you will soon learn it’s somewhat fitting. “Batshit Insane Lunatic” would’ve been more fitting, but less of a name, so I’ll stick to Bent. I’ll avoid using his last name. Partially out of respect for those involved, but mainly because Bent is still out there somewhere. I’ve seen enough horror movies to have a healthy fear of psychotic ex-flatmates.

But I digress. Bent is a Danish guy in his mid-fifties, living in a quiet municipality of the larger Copenhagen area. He is a proud father of three boys, has a degree in Mechanical Engineering and occasionally teaches classes in that very subject at a local high school. Also, he’s fucking crazy. In 2005 I rented a room in Bent’s apartment in a short-lived social experiment that I now share with you.

It was the last of my student years and I was moving out of an apartment that I had shared with a friend. At the time I was still a poor student. I couldn’t afford an apartment of my own, so I had to look for rooms to rent. Aided by an excellent apartment search website I had soon found a room.

It was exactly what I was looking for: affordable, large enough, in great condition, very close to where I was living at the time so moving would be a breeze. Unfortunately, the website didn’t specify that the owner of the apartment was a full-blown nutjob, so I was left to discover that fun detail for myself.

…along with the mysterious chalk outline in the corner of my room

Red flags presented themselves already during the first ever meeting with my upcoming flatmate. Sadly, I was too keen on getting the room to pay attention to any warning signs.  I came over to check out the place. Right off the bat Bent informed me that  I was the seventh person to rent the room from him. All others had apparently been trouble and therefore “didn’t work out”. Bent also told me he was divorced and I could expect that his three kids would come to visit every now and then.

So at least seven people, including Bent’s ex-wife, had attempted to live with the guy, yet chose to abandon ship. Calculating the odds of something being wrong with each and every one of the former tenants rather than Bent himself should have been a straightforward task for a five year old. Alas, at the time most of my brain capacity was used to play the following soundtrack in my head: “I’ve found myself an awesome room, I’ve found myself an awesome room…”, so the the desperate warning screams of the sane part of my brain went unheard.

Finally, Bent said he was used to order and that if I wasn’t the orderly type I should let him know in advance. Of course, at that moment I had no way of knowing that our definitions of “order” were vastly different and that Bent’s revolved around a bizarre set of rules that made Alice In Wonderland look like a historical documentary.

“Yup, seems like a pretty accurate depiction of reality to me!”

A few more quirks popped up on the day I was signing the rental agreement, but all were too minor in and of themselves to be treated as signs of any disorders. Bent freaked out when I started writing down my social security number on the rental agreement (where it was prompted). He grabbed a white-out and splashed it all over the half-written number, telling me I should be careful in revealing such information as it can be abused by evil hackers. To be sure, this is information that one must present in almost any encounter with public institutions in Denmark and is barely “top-secret”. Besides, unless he himself was an evil hacker I should have be fine putting my information down on the contract between the two of us, no?

Secondly, he informed me that if I wanted to replace the light bulb in my room with another, I should not throw out the one already there, since it was an expensive energy-efficient one. I don’t know how many people are in the habit of carrying their own light bulbs to use in rental rooms, but my guess is the number is somewhere between zero and what the fuck?! Also, why on Earth should I feel an urge to throw out a perfectly functioning energy-saving light bulb? Am I an undercover agent for some twisted anti-Greenpeace movement?

After our agreement was signed Bent had apparently expected me to have had the full deposit and first month’s rent with me in cash. Seeing how we were living in the 21st century and every single one of my prior rental transactions had been handled by institutions called “banks”, I wasn’t used to bringing large sums of money to contract signings. This wasn’t some shady drug deal after all. The end result was Bent accompanying me to an ATM to withdraw the money. In exchange I got a paper receipt that Bent tore out of a small booklet he must’ve purchased in a store called “Prehistoric Articles Nobody Ever Freaking Uses Anymore”. Also, worst store name EVER.

This may or may not be the actual receipt

And thus I became an official tenant in Bent’s Wacky House of Hysteria & Neurosis. To find out what happened next, go to the second installment of this gut-wrenching tale…