For this last post of 2013, I went to Etsy.com—the place that sells child-birthing dolls, crafted trinkets, and permanent psychological trauma.

I wasn’t looking for just anything, mind you. I wanted to find something related to the new year celebrations. Something I could share with my beloved audience, to remind them of these wondrous holiday times and the hopeful anticipation that accompanies the arrival of each new year.

I found it. By the unholy spirits in the twisted kingdom of earthly horrors, I found it. Please welcome, the “Baby Christmas New Year Doll.”

Sorry, I misspoke. What I meant to say was: “Please welcome, the ‘Creepy Baby Christmas New Year Prop Altered Art Doll Holiday Horror Dark Goth Fear Haunted Scary Odd Weird.'”

“Your soul tastes of strawberry!”

I’m not exactly sure what makes this a “Christmas” or “New Year” doll—but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s the dark, empty void of hopeless terror that we’ve all come to associate with the holiday season. The doll is yours for only $80 and an irreversible sacrifice of your ability to ever feel joy again (plus shipping).

If you’re not a fan of the New Year doll, you can always ask its creator for something else, like this cute abomination I like to call “Toothy Greaseface Sleep-No-More”:

“Sssshhhh. I just ate your screams, and nobody can hear you whisper!”

Or why not skip all of that, and go straight for the physical embodiment of the very concept of suffering? Like “Mouth McTerror” over here:

“I live in your nightmares. Sanity is a sweet dream.”

What I find impressive about all of these, is not the designer’s ability to maintain hand dexterity while creating cosmic horrors. No, what’s impressive is that we apparently live in an age when insane asylums grant their inmates free access to the Internet and an Etsy account.

Enjoy your newfound ability to not sleep. Happy freaking holidays, all. See you in 2014!