Guest Expressed: “Crutch To The Crotch: The Weirdest Stories From The Most Lethal Fighting Style Invented”

Today Barald visits us to tell a cautionary tale about messing with people on crutches! Enter Barald:

As the tight-knit cardigan that is the fabric of our society slowly disintegrates into something resembling a fishnet tank-top of some variety, only two entertaining activities remain easily accessible to all.

Those activities are complaining about the dissolution of the fabric of our society, and attempting to rob the elderly. Oh, and drinking.

Three; there are three entertaining activities that are easily accessible to all. I do not approve of at least one of them, and your task for today is to guess which one it is.

Of course, attempting to rob the elderly and disabled is not without risk, as many of the oldest and most vulnerable of our citizens are not averse to giving a good ass-whupping themselves. Here are some of the strangest incidences of that most venerable of martial arts techniques, the ancient ‘crutch to the crotch’ manoeuvre.

Man Fights Off Bikini Robbers With Crutches

Everything about this story is pure gold. Barely two words into the title, “man fights”, and already you can’t go wrong.

Man fights what? Bear? Dog? Toddler? The remorseless ennui that accompanies any comfortable existence?

All these stories could have been winners on their own (shut up, they could).

By the time they got to “bikini”, the poor readers were already overloaded with sensory input, and by the time they got to “robbers with crutches” exactly 96.4%* of the readers of the original article suffered violent seizures and never managed to read the rest of the piece.

In the interests of clarification, then, I should point out that contrary to the misleading grammatical structure of the title, the story is not actually about a man fighting injured bikini-clad women, but the slightly more heart-warming story of a man on crutches managing to fight off perfectly healthy bikini-clad robbers.

Just one instance of crutches helping fend off a mugger, albeit an instance which forced all of the more common “octogenarian woman beats up robber” stories off the front page of Google.

*I reserve the right to make up statistics whenever the fancy takes me.

Cane Fighting Master

Think I was joking about ‘crutch to the crotch’ having an ancient and proud tradition in the martial arts?

Think again.

Short staff techniques such as Hanbo and Jo styles have been around since the seventeenth century, and programmes to help the elderly adapt them to a cane or crutch (not that it needs much adaptation – most sticks are more-or-less the same) have risen in demand recently.

Fighting with a short staff or cane differs from fighting with a quarterstaff in that, with only one hand required and a lighter weapon, it is much more practical for those who have difficulty lifting heavy or grasping trickily-shaped objects.

Where There Is Light, There Is Also Shade…

Not all crutch-wielding Jo masters use their powers for good.

Witness the horrifying story of Doris Underwood, a healthy 29-year old woman who was attacked by a woman on two crutches.

Savagely beaten, she then had to deal with mocking newspaper inches with titles like “Loses In Fight With Woman On Crutches”.

Of course, as we now know, losing such a fight is no cause for shame. Crutch-wielding ninja assassins lurk in every shopping centre and high street, ready to strike.

Parting advice?

Take a lesson from the elderly. Speak softly – but carry a big stick.

Barald Hardraada is a prolific writer of blog posts with a slender, tapering neck, such as might be found on a swan or weevil. He writes posts for Mobility Aids Direct, who sell daily living aids such as electric mobility scooters.

Post image by Steve Evans