Skull death mask Halloween

17 WTF Danish Halloween costumes: Look, giant boobies!

What is it about Halloween that makes people forget about such concepts as good taste and self-restraint?

Don’t answer that. You’re probably wearing a slutty zombie fairy costume yourself this year, aren’t you? I knew it!

People hear “Halloween,” and they go, “What a fabulous occasion to don my ‘Jar of applesauce that happens to be depressed’ suit and annoy the only friend who hasn’t shunned me yet.” Somebody has to be buying up all of the weird Halloween costumes I keep seeing in Danish online stores.

Is there a group of hipsters buying these suits ironically? Is it a supervillain who’s building an army of tackily dressed minions? Your kooky great-uncle who thinks that wearing a helmet, pouring ketchup on his face, and painting one of his teeth black to make it look like it’s not there makes for an epic Wayne Gretzky impersonation?

In any case, this is fast becoming a cherished Halloween tradition. I’ve already written not one, not seven, but exactly two posts on Danish Halloween costumes of the WTF variety. Why stop there?

Here we go with the third installment.

17. Zombie Hot Dog

Zombie Hot Dog Halloween Costume

Zombie. Hot dog. Think about that. There’s a heart-wrenching story behind this suit. It’s a giant hot dog that has but one wish in this world: to become human, to feel what humans feel. Against all odds, it gains sentience, only to get immediately bitten by some asshole zombie and turn into a shambling piece of infected sausage stuffed between two pieces of sad, soggy bread. What a cruel fate!

16. Marionette

Marionette Halloween Woman Costume

This one’s only cute until the first tragic encounter with a low-hanging ceiling fan and subsequent near-strangulation. You’ve ruined the party for everybody, Sharon!

15. Gas Mask

Gas mask Halloween costume

Gas mask. That’s it. No background or context here.

“Hey dude, what are you?”

“Gas mask.”

“I can see that, but, like – are you the last survivor of a nuclear holocaust? A safety inspector racing against the clock to fix a deadly gas leak at a toxic weapons factory? Resident of Earth in the year 2371 when our atmosphere is mostly methane and residual fumes from rotten McDonald’s wrappers?”

“Gas mask.”

“Right. Nice chatting to ya, I’ll be over there in the corner, using other people’s fleshy bodies as a natural barrier between us.”

“Gas mask!”

14. Bandit Jimmy

Bandit Jimmy Costume

Ah yes. Everyone remembers the good old Bandit Jimmy from when they were a kid. There’s even that famous nursery rhyme:

He’ll steal your shoes
He’ll take your bread
He has a raisin for a head
His face looks like a goblin’s ass
He smokes a blunt with ganja grass
He’s Bandit Jimmy
He’s Bandit Jimmy

13. Hippo Ballerina

Hippo Ballerina Halloween Costume

This misguided tribute to Disney’s Fantasia will forever be remembered for the prolonged awkward silence among party guests and little Tim hysterically beseeching his mother to explain why the man with the creepy smile is wearing Hyacinth Hippo’s skin.

12. Blow-up Pistol

Blow-Up Pistol Costume

Look. I’m not exactly a give-it-your-best-effort-for-Halloween kind of guy myself. But this is a few levels below “Gas Mask” on the no-fucks-given spectrum. This “costume” is so lazy, even the pistol is having a serious case of erectile dysfunction.

11. Giant Boob

Giant Breast Costume

Nothing to see here. Just a human-sized mammary gland and the giant boob who thinks wearing it counts as a costume.

10. Inflatable Morphsuit

Blue Blow-Up Morphsuit

Damn, the Blue Man Group’s left front man has really let himself go.

9. Rainbow Hat

Rainbow Hat Costume

There’s nothing to make you question your life choices more than attending a Halloween party with gigantic cotton swabs that somehow birthed a rainbow growing out of your ears.

8. Breast Friends

Breast Friends Costume

“It’s a bit nippy here, isn’t it, darling?”

“Oh yeah, I’d say it’s breast we wore something warm!”

“It’ll be a shame if we get cold, won’t tit?”

“I know! I shudder at the thought!”

“I want a divorce.”

“I thought you’d never ask!”

7. Mr. Block Head

Mr Block Head Costume

This costume perfectly answers the question nobody has ever asked:

“If Super Mario and Borat had a Lego-headed baby who grew up to be a two-meter-tall pro wrestler, what color shirt would he wear?”

6. Bandit Rob

Bandit Rob Costume

Fun fact: Bandit Rob is what happens when Bandit Jimmy falls face-first into an industrial meat grinder.

5. Black Morphsuit

Black Morphsuit Chessboard

The chessboard is what really makes this suit. Without the chessboard, you’re just some dodgy wacko who might stab one of the other dinner guests in a dark corner.

With the chessboard, you’re a dodgy wacko who might stab one of the other dinner guests in a dark corner while yelling “Checkmate!”

4. Cone Head

Cone Head Costume

With all the awful sexual innuendo costumes out there, it’s refreshing to see that someone resisted the temptation to make the ears bigger, the “cone” longer, and call it “Bone Head.”

3. Ghost

Ghost Costume

Converse sneakers! Every self-respecting ghost wears a pair.

2. Monster Candy

Monster Candy Costume

The description for this item assures me that I can dress up as “the sweet Monster Candy.” Question: Who the hell is Monster Candy? Is this a popular movie character I’m blissfully unaware of?

Why not just “Pink Monster” or “Cutie McRuby”? I really want to know. Am I the only one in the world who’s never heard of Monster Candy? Let me know in the comments.

1. The Finger

The Finger Costume

This is the most honest costume on the list, because it succinctly tells us how little of a damn the owner gives about dressing up for our stupid party and exactly where we can shove our complaints about it.

19 WTF Danish Halloween costumes

Halloween is upon us!

For some, it means dressing up as Ironman, going trick-or-treating, binge eating bags of candy, and passing out from sugar overdose. For others, it means dressing up as a naughty nurse or sexy fireman, binge drinking bottles of liquor, and passing out from alcohol overdose…

And then there are those who look at all the Ironman, naughty nurse, and sexy fireman costumes and think “Nah, this is way too sane for my taste! I need a way to tell the world that I’m unstable, unpredictable, and likely a future serial killer. But, like, in a fun way!”

That final group is in luck, for today I talk exclusively about Halloween costumes with a solid “WTF” factor. I’m not the first or the last person to comment on bizarre Halloween costumes. I am, however, one of the few to focus on the lucrative Danish market niche.

The atrocities listed below were found by looking exclusively at online stores in Denmark. These Halloween costumes may or may not be available in your country, which should make you either upset or immensely, indescribably relieved. I bet it’s the latter.

19. Work Out

The site describes it as a “sexy fitness costume.” Apparently, “sexy” is code for “having Super Mario’s face forever trapped in your crotch.”

18. Blow-Up Witch

 Something tells me you’re gonna need a much bigger broomstick, mam…wait, sir?!

17. Adam

What do you mean by “where’s your Eve”? I’m dressed as Adam! Adam—my eccentric ballet-dancing neighbour with nipple warts.

16. Count Duckula

Finally, a Halloween costume that successfully combines two completely incompatible things: a purple coat and a red bow tie!

15. Jesus Costume

Jesus Christ!

14. Zebra Morphsuit

“Hey guys, what’s up?!”

“OH MY GOD THAT ZEBRA IS TALKING TO US! AAAAAAARGH! SOMEBODY SHOOT IT!”

“Dude, calm down, it’s just my Halloween costume.”

“Wow! Whoa! You totally got me! That costume is so damn lifelike!”

13. Killer B

“Ha! I’m a killer, and I’ve got the letter ‘B’ on me. I’m ‘Killer B.’ ‘Killer Bee’! Get it?! It’s a pun! Hilarious! Ha! Haha! HAHAHAHAHHA! No seriously though, I’ll chop your head right the fuck off, don’t fuck with me!”

12. Bananawoman

It’s a mango…it’s a lemon…it’s Bananawoman—the most nonexistent superhero ever!

11. Morphsuit Orange

It’s either a carrot or a urinary tract infection patient. Or maybe a carrot with urinary tract infection. That’s the beauty of this Halloween costume—it’s so versatile.

10. Top Shelf

Nice rack! No, I mean, nice shelf. Top! Top shelf! Dammit.

9. Penguin Skinsuit

This actually gets credit for looking far more terrifying than Count Duckula ever could. Bonus points for using the same red bow tie.

8. Bugs Bunny

OK, this kind of costume works great when it makes you look like Bugs Bunny. It works far worse when you appear to be wearing Bugs Bunny’s skin as a trophy while brandishing his severed head atop of yours with a smug, triumphant expression on your face.

7. Condom

This costume faithfully recreates the look of a standard condom, complete with limbs, red speedos, and a V-neck. Then again, I sincerely doubt this Halloween costume would be improved by making it more realistic.

6. The Invisible Cat

The costume is aptly named “The Invisible Cat,” because indeed no cat is visible in that picture. The cat, along with all other lifeforms, has been devoured by the humanoid embodiment of the Devil pictured above.

5. Cockroach

I love how this guy is so in character. This is his absolute best “grumpy cockroach” impression. It’s like he studied cockroaches all his life, so that today he could finally shine. Hats off to you, sir!

4. Dancing Flower

At almost every Halloween party, there’s an obnoxious douchebag with a guitar and an idiot in a tacky plant suit. Rarely are these two the same guy.

3. Disco Dracula

Dracula in his young, hip, party days and long before his tragic transformation into a duck.

2. Cannabis

Funnily enough, the cannabis plant is the only one in this picture with enough sense of shame to appear embarrassed by this whole situation.

1. The Well Hung Scotsman

The surprising thing about this Halloween costume is that the penis isn’t a part of it. That poor model has no luck getting any Disney gigs!