Orange Phoenix On Blue Background

eBay Troll: “Regenerating Haiku”

You already know that I like trolling shady people. Sometimes I write back to email scammers, sometimes I chase after sellers of questionable metaphysical items on eBay. You probably also know that I had a minor fling with haiku.

By now you probably figured out where I’m going with this…what?! No! Jesus, that’s not at all where I was going! How could you even think of something like that, you’re disgusting!

Where I’m going with this…is this:

I found another seller of magic on eBay. He was selling this life giving jewellery:

Regeneration Earrings eBay

If you read the detailed and rambling description of the item (for the sake of your sanity, just don’t!) you’ll learn that these earrings are “energizing” and “cleansing” and possess the powers of regeneration and something called “joy renewal”. They also have to do with “Growth, Investment, Nerves”. Basically it’s a smorgasbord of words the seller found in the dictionary that day.

The seller goes on to say that “the most remarkable characteristic of this stone is its ability to change color”. Yes, the most mind-blowing thing about a stone that has the ability to literally regenerate people and renew their joy is the fact that it occasionally looks different to the eye. It’s like owning a time machine and claiming that the most amazing thing about it is how easily it can be stored under your bed.

Anyways, to make a long story short, I decided to mess with this seller of Wolverine powers. He went by the alias “Starborn41”, because what else would he be called? To add a new flavour to my trolling, I decided to communicate exclusively in 5-7-5 haikus – one per email. In addition, I came up with an actual Alexander who supposedly owned these Alexandrite earrings.

What follows is the nonsensical correspondence that resulted, enjoy:

Daniel:

Regeneration
Only works on my ears, or
Other body parts?

Starborn41:

This would be for the whole body.

Thanks
Lewis

Daniel:

This Alexander,
Is he now alive or dead?
I’m afraid of ghosts!

Starborn41:

Sorry I can not answers your question on this.

Lewis

Daniel:

Oh my God, it’s true!
He’s alive now, is he not?
Are you his lawyer?

Starborn41:

I can not answers questions like this. Please Thank you

Daniel:

I agree, please thanks
For if Alexander lives
We must all shut up!

Starborn41:

Your Welcome

Daniel:

And he said to them
You shall know of my burden,
I see dead people

Starborn41:

Thank you

Daniel:

You are most welcome
Now go forth and sell earrings
To the mad masses!

________________________________________________________

What are your thoughts on “joy renewing” earrings? Would you buy a set? Do you know Alexander? Is he alive? You would tell me if he were still alive, wouldn’t you?!

Reconnective Healing

eBay Troll: “Reconnective Healing”

I have good news!

I have finally found a way to combine my two favourite hobbies – mocking ridiculous eBay “magic” and messing with scammers.

You see, it turns out every seller on eBay can be contacted personally with questions. So, after setting up a dedicated eBay account I began contacting sellers of “haunted rings” and other magical items in an attempt to spark up a conversation.

It wasn’t long before the seller of this listing for “3 Reconnective Healing sessions” responded to me.

What follows is the full transcript of this exchange. It is the ultimate blend of reality and utter bullshit. Reality, because this is a correspondence that actually took place. Bullshit, because both Wei and I are talking out of our asses. The only difference is that I actually admit to talking nonsense.

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Hi,

Would you be the one to contact if I had questions?

Thank you,
Daniel

From: Wei
To: Daniel

Hi Daniel,

Yes you can ask me if you have any questions.

Regards,
Wei

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Hi Wei,

Great! Thank you for your kindness. As is well known, it is a kind soul that catches the early worm!

Now, on to the questions:

1) Are you using the traditional molecule-realignment coherence method? Or the more experimental energy-permeance approach? The reason I ask is because one of them I am perfectly comfortable with, but the other one, to be frank, sounds a bit far fetched.

2) To what extent, if any, is Jesus used as a vessel for energy transference during these sessions. The reason I ask is because the picture clearly depicts the famous “Jesus Gives Life To A Farmer” moment, so I’m wondering if that has any significance.

3) How safe is the method? I have previously been greatly disappointed by one of these. Shortly after the session I had a severe headache and eventually started leaking some red fluid from my left ear. I was terrified, thinking it was blood, but the “healer” told me it was more likely a mix of “ectoplasm and strawberry jam”. It sounds like he was mocking me, but needless to say I’m a bit paranoid about the effects.

Hoping to hear from you soon,
Daniel

From: Wei
To: Daniel

Hi Daniel,

1)  Sorry, I don’t know these methods with complicated that you are referring to🙂. Frankly i belief all these modalities has nothing to do with Reconnective healing.

2) Reconnective healing does not transfer energy per say as it is a healing frequency and not sending energy. Energy transmission reduces with distance but the healing frequency doesn’t. I have clients from the other side of the globe that experience healing just the same as if I were to do it in person with him/her.

3) The Reconnective healing is to put you back into balance in whatever ways that you need to at this moment of your life. For all my clients they do not experience the strange physical phenomena that you have described. If you decide to get a Reconnective healing, be open and allow the healing frequency to work with you. Drop all fears and expectations as they are all mind chatters that will stop you from getting your healings.

Have a good day.
Wei

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Hi Wei,

Thank you for the fast response! You truly are a blessed sheep in sacred wolf’s clothing, did you know that?

1) I’m sorry, I was confused. Now I understand that you’re using the regular re-connective healing with wavelength propagation technique. That one should be just fine!
2) OK, so Jesus isn’t involved then? Also, I thought the healing would take place remotely. Maybe I misread. You are of course welcome to do it in person, if you insist. Do we split the cost of the air ticket, or is that covered by your own business expenses?
3) Please forgive my skepticism, but the last healer has really left me in a bad shape. For more than two weeks after the session I was experiencing intense “mind chatters”, as you call them. One of these chatters kept insisting I build a castle made of chocolate for the Candy God, while the other one wanted me to sacrifice a goat. It was a very discomforting and intensely painful experience. I am really, really afraid to have to face something like this again.

Having said that, you appear to be a trustworthy and knowledgeable person. Your use of the term “modalities” hints at sophistication and proper upbringing. I feel I can trust you with this.

Please tell me what is required from my side to make the arrangements and then we can proceed with the transaction and booking the necessary plane tickets.

Yours faithfully,
Daniel

From: Wei
To: Daniel

Hi Daniel,

This is for remote healing sessions so it does not involves buying plane ticket. You just need to make the payment to affirm you commitment for the session. Then we have to fix the time fo the session. The healing will be for about 30mins to 1hr. At the arranged time, I will contact you via phone or e-mail to let you know that I am about to begin the session. You will get yourself in a quiet, comfortable space (lying down or sitting comfortably) in which to experience the healing session. There should be no disturbance during the session in order for you to fully experience the session. When I am done I will contact you again so that we can debrief the experience.

This listing is for 3 sessions. If you want to try it out you can check my other listing for one single session.

If you are interested to sessions in person and you want to fly to NYC, you are most welcomed to do so. The fees I charge for in person session is different.

Best regards,
Wei

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Dear Wei,

Your continued correspondence and honesty do not cease to amaze me. You seem to be a truly special person, or, as Yoda would say it “A truly special person you seem to be, hmmmm?”

Please forgive my continued skepticism. I just still find it hard to get over the experience of the last session and the mad voices. Did you know that one of them kept referring to me as “Smooth Cheeks”? It was horrifying, because I don’t even know what that means!

You seem to be deliberately avoiding my very specific questions about Jesus. I hope you’re not using Jesus to help you with these sessions, only to keep the money for yourself. I don’t think it would be fair to the son of God.

I think I am ready to take the leap. Just a few final things, to alleviate my fears and allow for the modality of the sessions to flow:

1) Please confirm whether or not Jesus is participating in these sessions. If he is, will he be on your end in NYC or together with me in the “quiet, comfortable space”? I’m not sure I’m OK with Jesus and I being that close, especially since I plan on being at least partially naked during the sessions.
2) Are you able to supply a document proving your status as a “certified Reconnective Healing Practicioner”. Ideally this would be a picture of you and/or Jesus holding the certificate, but a scanned photocopy would be just fine too.
3) In case of “personal sessions”, will snacks be provided, or is it best I brought some with? What do you like best – Pringles or Kit-Kats?

Already connecting,
Daniel

From: Wei
To: Daniel

Hi Daniel,

All that i can say about Reconnective healing has already been shared. The rest is up to you to decide. I do not get involve with your mind chatter as it is something you have to resolve on your own.

Have a good day.
Wei

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Hi Wei,

I did not mean to doubt or upset you. I just wanted to know the extent of Jesus’ involvement.

Since you won’t answer the snack question I will bring both Pringles and Kit Kats with me. Sour Cream and Onion, or Barbecue?

Finally, I didn’t see any certificate or pictures of Jesus attached. Did I miss something?

Thanks again for your positive energy,
Daniel

From: Wei
To: Daniel

Hi Daniel,

I think you are mistaken, I am glad that you wrote in to ask about getting yourself healed. Your doubts lies in your mind and has nothing to do with me.

Reconnective healing does not involves with ascended master, teachers or guide.

When you come in for your in person session, you will get to see the cert.

Best regards,
Wei

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Hi Wei,

I hereby accept your generous invitation for a free in-person session! You’re incredibly kind! Will you also pay for my plane ticket, or shall I buy it myself?

Your mention of ascended master reminded me of my former Sensei Jiango Karzoomi, of Shaolin’s Second Order of Fries! His favourite poem went as follows:

Dark. Long. Tedious.
Goes. Goes. Goes.
Whenever you’re in doubt, you’ll eat.
And so your belly grows.

It always reminds me to focus on the most important things in life, like computer games, broccoli soup, and stickmen figures. What are YOUR favourites?

On to a more practical question. I assume, of course, that I shall stay with you in NYC during our sessions. If that’s not correct, please book a hotel for me. It doesn’t have to be expensive, I don’t want you to spend too much money on healing me.

I cannot wait! I’ll have a backpack FULL of Pringles and Kit Kats for you. You have helped me see the light and for that you deserve nothing else!

When can you accept me into your home in NYC?

Daniel