eBay

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eBay Troll: “Regenerating Haiku”

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You already know that I like trolling shady people. Sometimes I write back to email scammers, sometimes I chase after sellers of questionable metaphysical items on eBay. You probably also know that I had a minor fling with haiku.

By now you probably figured out where I’m going with this…what?! No! Jesus, that’s not at all where I was going! How could you even think of something like that, you’re disgusting!

Where I’m going with this…is this:

I found another seller of magic on eBay. He was selling this life giving jewellery:

Regeneration Earrings eBay

If you read the detailed and rambling description of the item (for the sake of your sanity, just don’t!) you’ll learn that these earrings are “energizing” and “cleansing” and possess the powers of regeneration and something called “joy renewal”. They also have to do with “Growth, Investment, Nerves”. Basically it’s a smorgasbord of words the seller found in the dictionary that day.

The seller goes on to say that “the most remarkable characteristic of this stone is its ability to change color”. Yes, the most mind-blowing thing about a stone that has the ability to literally regenerate people and renew their joy is the fact that it occasionally looks different to the eye. It’s like owning a time machine and claiming that the most amazing thing about it is how easily it can be stored under your bed.

Anyways, to make a long story short, I decided to mess with this seller of Wolverine powers. He went by the alias “Starborn41”, because what else would he be called? To add a new flavour to my trolling, I decided to communicate exclusively in 5-7-5 haikus – one per email. In addition, I came up with an actual Alexander who supposedly owned these Alexandrite earrings.

What follows is the nonsensical correspondence that resulted, enjoy:

Daniel:

Regeneration
Only works on my ears, or
Other body parts?

Starborn41:

This would be for the whole body.

Thanks
Lewis

Daniel:

This Alexander,
Is he now alive or dead?
I’m afraid of ghosts!

Starborn41:

Sorry I can not answers your question on this.

Lewis

Daniel:

Oh my God, it’s true!
He’s alive now, is he not?
Are you his lawyer?

Starborn41:

I can not answers questions like this. Please Thank you

Daniel:

I agree, please thanks
For if Alexander lives
We must all shut up!

Starborn41:

Your Welcome

Daniel:

And he said to them
You shall know of my burden,
I see dead people

Starborn41:

Thank you

Daniel:

You are most welcome
Now go forth and sell earrings
To the mad masses!

________________________________________________________

What are your thoughts on “joy renewing” earrings? Would you buy a set? Do you know Alexander? Is he alive? You would tell me if he were still alive, wouldn’t you?!

eBay Troll: “Magic Slim Pills”

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It’s my birthday today! *pause for the standing ovation and rain of confetti, candy and larger presents (who threw those?!) to die down*

So I’ll share a mini-conversation with an eBay peddler of “magic” pills as my birthday gift to you. I don’t know how birthdays work.

Enjoy the bite-sized nonsense while I go attend to my Facebook wall (those birthday wishes aren’t gonna “like” themselves).

This magic is sold here

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

Hi Mr. Ming Gjing Dang,

I hope you can answer a few questions:

1) Can I expect to resemble the woman pictured on the box with the pills, after taking them?
2) If yes, how soon will this happen?

I thank you for your most honest and timely response,
Thank you!

From: Mingjingdang
To: Daniel  

hehe, the picture just a ad. you can not trust it completely. if you want a slim build I suggest you
go to gym and sport frequently.

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

Oh, I see. Ha, sorry for the confusion!

Do you happen to know if “Gym And Sport” is also available here on eBay? I assume it’s OK to take both product simultaneously without side effects?

Finally, if I do gym and sport, will I be able to look like the girl on the picture, you think?

From: Mingjingdang
To: Daniel 

Of course you can do it.

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

That is outstanding! Now I understand the “magic” part of the description.

In your experience, at what stage does the gender transformation begin? Will I first develop breasts or lose my penis. I’m asking because if the breasts come first I’ll have a very “awkward-looking” stage for a while.

Thanks again!

Guest Expressed: “5 Of the Weirdest Items Ever Sold on eBay”

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Recently I’ve talked about kick-ass superpowers you can buy on eBay. Today a guest poster Amy shows us a few more odd things one can find there. Enter Amy:

Most people head to eBay in order to get rid of some junk from their house, or to buy retro video games, craft goods, or replacement parts for their washing machine.  It’s generally accepted that eBay is a great place to pick up odd bits and bobs that you’d struggle to find in a normal shop, but some of the things that are sold on eBay go beyond “niche” and well into the realms of “weird”.

Take a look at this list of weird items that have been sold on eBay.  You’ll never look at jiffy boxes the same way again once you’ve seen the strange and crazy things that people will sell – and buy.

1. Sell Your Life

Mr Ian Usher sold his entire life on eBay.  The buyer paid £200,000, and in return got Mr Usher’s car, house, job, and an introduction to his friends.  Mr Usher wanted to leave his life behind because everything he owned reminded him of his former wife.  He spent at least some of the money travelling the world.

2. A small Town

The small town of Albert, Texas was sold on eBay.  The advertisement boasted towering oaks, wildflowers, and German heritage – as well as a beer garden and a friendly and relaxed atmosphere.  Presumably, the town wasn’t boxed up into cardboard boxes and shipped out to the buyer.  If it had been, it would have been interesting to see the import tax on that one!

3. Rhino Dung

The International Rhino Foundation sold rhino dung on eBay.  The dung was dried and mounted in a trophy case. Buyers had a choice of dung from white, black, Indian, or Sumatran rhino.  That’s one set of cardboard boxes I wouldn’t want to open in front of my colleagues, although I could imagine that saying “Oh, my eBay package!  I’ve been waiting to complete my collection of rhino poo!” would be a good way to stop getting invited to boring office parties.

4. Mutant M&Ms

After the success of toast that looks like Jesus, and a cornflake the shape of Illinois, one unfortunate eBay seller tried to jump on the strange food bandwagon by selling “Mutant M&Ms”.  The sweets were joined together like Siamese twins. Sadly for the seller, the bizarre food market wasn’t doing very well that day, and the M&Ms fetched only $1 at auction.

5. A Baby

A couple jokingly put their baby on eBay for one Euro.  The authorities didn’t think much of the joke, and the child was taken into custody for a while.  The couple got their baby back in the end, and presumably learned a big lesson about joking around on the Internet.

Of course, not everything on eBay is outlandish, impractical, and just plain weird.  You can still get some great bargains on useful items from the site.  Next time you see an eBay seller lugging an armful of jiffy boxes to the post office let your imagination run wild – who knows what’s in those boxes?

Article written by Amy Fowler on behalf of UK Packaging, suppliers of cardboard boxes and jiffy boxes.

8 Awesome Superpowers (that can be yours thanks to eBay)

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eBay is a great place. Even though I’ve never bid on anything myself, I’m sure countless people have become proud owners of everything from collectible toothpicks to self-sufficient private islands and nuclear launch codes.

It’s a place where buyers can find almost anything they want and sellers get a fair price for whatever it is they’re selling. Hurrah to consumerism!

However, in the deepest recesses of eBay lurk some truly special finds. These magical spells and items bestow limitless powers onto their owners and are only available to the select few, namely those who can type words like “magic”, “powers”, or “haunted” into the search box. As for all the rest of you, tough luck – enjoy being ordinary!

Due to an unfortunate and inexcusable oversight eBay forgot to create a “Superpowers” category in the menu. That’s why these magic items and spells are usually inconveniently filed under the “Everything Else” category. Don’t let that fool you, their magic is very much real (at least if their product descriptions are anything to go by)!

I have conducted extensive research into this treasure chest of awesomeness and can now proudly bring you a non-exhaustive (by far) list of superpowers that can be yours for as little as $2,99 (plus shipping).

1. Extraordinary Luck

If you’ve got $9,99 and an impaired grasp of reality, you can buy your way to a “VERY SPECIAL GOOD LUCK RING FULLY CHARGED!!! WEALTH LOVE SEX POWER“:

“I’m confused, what does it do?”, you may be wondering. Wait, you’re saying you still haven’t bought it?! You need more explanation than “WEALTH LOVE SEX POWER”? OK, this ring is…it will give you…it’s…you know what? I’ll let the seller tell you:

You know this ring is special because the owner uses the word “special” four times in one paragraph and uses ALL CAPS italicized red font. How much more special do you want it to be, you ungrateful schmuck?

The only possible downside is the disclaimer at the bottom stating “I AM REQUIRED TO TELL YOU THESE ITEMS ARE FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY” (even the fine print is in ALL CAPS). This isn’t a big hurdle, because “WEALTH LOVE SEX POWER” sounds like pure entertainment in the first place!

2. Immortality

Do you want to stay young forever? Do you have 10 dollars? If you have answered “yes” to both questions, then look no further than “STAY YOUNG FOREVER, MAGIC,SPIRITUAL,WICCAN SPRAY!”

There are just so many things this spray does that I have space to recap only a few of them. This spray is for those of you who want to (and I quote):

1) Stay young, not aging.

2) “Tern” time back.

3) Stay fresh and YOUNG GOOD LOOKING.

The description for this item was apparently written by a dyslexic random word generator with Tourette’s. Or maybe that’s how you sound when you’ve mastered the art of “terning” back time. After you’ve learned to do that, useless concepts like spelling and grammar cease to have meaning. Let foolish mortals worry about them, with their dictionaries and their spell checkers, while you stay fresh and YOUNG GOOD LOOKING!

3. Regeneration

This is for those of you who have always envied Wolverine his ability to heal wounds. Which, let’s face it, is all of us! Such healing doesn’t come cheap, though. You will have to shell out a whole $40 to experience a “Remote Reconnective Healing session“.

This seller doesn’t mess around. Boldly stealing an iconic image from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel to promote your eBay sale communicates two things:

1) Your healing abilities are on par with God himself. What else is the use of that image supposed to symbolise?

2) You’re above the law and artistic trademarks can kiss your ass.

A long and detailed (not to mention crazy) description of “Reconnective Healing” is provided by the seller, but here’s what you truly need to know (again, the following are direct quotes):

  • It’s “a form of healing that is here on the planet for the very first time“. This clearly hints to the healing method’s extraterrestrial origins. A multitude of alien species have been successfully using this healing for millennia and now it’s finally available right here on Earth!
  • “…with this specific type of healing, the body goes into a state of super coherence, which science has never seen before“. Remember how bodies used to be just incoherent jelly-like blobs? Well, that ends today, thanks to Reconnective Healing!
  • “…scientists are rewriting the laws of physics and mathematics because of it“. So, yeah, there’s that, too.
  • “Every health challenge is a combination of the physical, mental, spiritual, emotional (and probably a few other classifications we don’t have words for)“. This is probably the first honest statement in the whole description.

Unlike the sellers of “Immortality Spray” and “Good Luck Ring”, this one doesn’t actually ship anything to you. Instead, you’re treated via a remote healing session, without ever meeting the healer. The sceptical ones among you may start to get suspicious right about now. However, let me alleviate your doubts by having the seller emphatically explain how this works:

Reconnective Healing doesn’t specifically “treat” anything. If in its presence you allow yourself to come back into balance, as many people do, then you do. You just do.

Amen.

4. Seeing The Future + 5. Spirit Control

Want to be like that kid from The Sixth Sense, but with the added benefit of controlling the ghosts? Or if that’s too boring, how about seeing the future? Behold the “HAUNTED PARANORMAL PSYCHIC ABILITY RING ENHANCE YOUR MAGIC POWER AND KNOW ALL!!!”

There’s a background story that comes with this one. I’ll try to summarize it:

The owner of this ring/spell (the seller is slightly confused as to what she’s selling) belongs to a group of “elite individuals” (where “elite” stands for “insane”) who possess the knowledge of this powerful spell/ring. She also possesses the ability to make stars flash in the background of her “Description” page and the power to insert irrelevant images of skeletons into the aforementioned page. She can no longer keep the ring’s secret to herself. She doesn’t want to watch the suffering of her fellow man, knowing she can help.

So, does she use the overwhelming powers of this magical ring to help her fellow man? Does she hand it over to someone pure, who can use it for good? Nonsense! She auctions it off on eBay to the highest bidder, because that’s what all other elite individuals do!

If you don’t believe in the power of this ring yet, you need only look at the picture provided:

Indeed, the power of Photoshop is strong with this one!

So if you want to control ghosts, see the future and be “elite” in many other ways – hurry! And bring 3 dollars!

6. Invisibility + 7. Mind Control

These two are well at the top of the “awesome superpowers” list. Now, thanks to eBay, you can have both for 17 bucks. That’s less than 9 dollars per power!

I bring you…drum-roll…”Haunted Mayan Shaman Servitor Alux Ring biokinesis teleportation telepathy power“! Phew.

The description for this item includes a full-length historical dissertation on its origin. Something about an ancient civilization and the spirit contained within the ring. I’ve made an honest attempt to read it, but was distracted by the bright green text and my impatience to learn what the ring-spirit can actually do. So I skipped ahead to the powers (conveniently arranged in bullet point format).

And boy, was I rewarded! There are more than ten things the spirit/djinn does! These include the amazing “convey the secrets of invisibility” and “thought teleportation telepathy – making people think what you want them to”. However, even these fade in comparison to its ability to “win court case” and “increase your sales”!

Backing up this incredible artifact are some solid “Testamonials”. Well, there’s actually only one, but its sheer awesomeness makes it count for at least three:

If you can’t trust a testimonial from someone with “experiance” who also has had many different experiences, then who can you trust? Who, I ask you?!

8. Time Travel

Wow, this one is a biggie! Many movies and TV series have revolved around time travel and it kicks almost every other superpower’s ass. Surely that’s not something you could just get at an online auct…BAAAM: “Amazing Ability to Time Travel Spell from Ancient Genie”

Not only can you travel to any future or past point in the history of the world, you can also travel to any point in your own lifetime! It’s mind-blowing. The best part is, the effect is cumulative: the more money you spend on this spell, the further you can travel!

To begin your time travel you only need to follow a few simple steps:

I’m not sure why a photo is required, especially since it’s “optional”. Maybe the genie only offers his services to attractive people? Maybe the seller is lonely (time travel has its downsides) and wants to feel a human connection? Anyway, if I’ve learned anything at all from the Internet it’s that you never doubt someone whose email address consists of a type of beverage and a number sequence.

Remember, though, step 4 is important. You must believe. Who knows what miracles you can achieve, when you believe?