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Email Troll: “Your wonderful blog”

As you may know, I sometimes get contacted by content marketers. You may also know just how I feel about people contacting me without actually reading the blog first. Hint: not good at all.

Well, it’s happened again. I received another “cut-n-paste” request for a guest post. This time, I decided to give them a taste of their own medicine. It wasn’t the longest correspondence, but for what it’s worth:

From: Bipasha Mukherjee

Hello Daniel,

Congratulations for your wonderful blog. We are happy to see such an amazing blog. We wish you continue the good work and keep motivating your readers and the online community.

To let you know a little bit about us, we run a professional blog on latest eyewear fashion at [company] each day to keep the community updated. We are writing to submit our guest post to your blog https://nest-expressed.com/.

The article will include:

Keywords
Headings
Article Outline

We’ve noticed articles on this topic are particularly popular with your readers. And we expect you to send us a positive reply on the same.

In return we are expecting a dofollow backlink linking to our website at [website].

Best Wishes
Bipasha Mukherjee

From: Me

Hi Bipasha,

Thank you for your incredible text. I was honored to receive such awesome words. I wish you keep stringing letters together and putting phrases into complete paragraphs!

To let you know a bit about me, I have a blog: http://nest-expressed.com

I also have a Twitter account which I rarely use: https://twitter.com/NestExpressed

My blog includes:

Posts
A sidebar
Menu

I’ve noticed that people who read my blog do better than those who don’t. So let’s be positive about it!

All the very best,
Daniel

From: Bipasha Mukherjee

Thank you Daniel.

We would love to post a guest article on your website! 🙂

Best Wishes
Bipasha Mukherjee

From: Me

Wonderful! Oh, yes, most wonderful indeed. Splendid, even.

How old are they and what breed?

Sadly, I never found out what breed they were, because for some reason Bipasha didn’t get back to me. I bet they were huskies, though.

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Binary Code Green Lock

Email Troll: “Encrypted Communications”

Like most people with an email address that’s more than one day old, I receive spam. Lots and lots of spam. Unlike most people, I occasionally spend some of my precious moments on this Earth writing back to these spammers. It’s not something I’m proud of, but what are these people going to do?! Not send me the millions of dollars of fictional fortune?

Sometimes, the scammers answer. Below is one such case. I usually advise people to skim the “scammer” side of the conversation, but some of Stephen’s scribbles deserve attention, from the longest opening sentence in the history of emails to his stubborn refusal to recognize “London” as a city worthy of first-letter capitalization. Sadly, he stops replying way sooner than I would have liked. Was it something I said?

From: Stephen

Dear Friend

I am officially sending you this e-mail in order for you to be aware of the good news of your funds, please before I proceed, I will like you to keep away this message from any other person around you, because we have decided to conclude this issue with you alone, JAN 30th 2012 a meeting was held with the General Director of the Interpol and some other top officials in China concerning the online internet scam from london, in the conclusion of the meeting, I was ordered by the Interpol to fly down to london for special investigation concerning the delay of your payment.

After some little investigation, I notice that your funds is still in the Federal Suspense ACCOUNT” of Royal Bank. Meanwhile those people that you have been dealing with are not from the right office, they are only using you to make money for their own benefit.

You need to understand that my coming down to london is because of your transaction, and I have to accomplish the transfer before returning back to China, all the legal documentation for your funds are with me here in london, what i just need from you now is your corporation, you have to seize communication with any other person different from me to avoid been mislead.

Don’t allow anyone to deceive you, your funds is $15,000,000.00 (Fifteen Million United States Dollars Only) it was written inside the recording files of your funds.I have taken your funds documents to the Bank for confirmation and they have been working on the release of your funds, meanwhile, I will need your information like the stated below so that I can know how to update you soon as everything has been settled.

Full Name:
Address:
Tel:

Upon the receipt of this information, I will email you or call you and give you code on how to communicate with me and I will always keep you updated concerning the progress of the transfer of your $15,000,000.00USD, once again you are advised to seize all communication with any other office or person to avoid been mislead, and whenever you receive any message from anyone, kindly forward it to me so that i can make a proper investigation on it.

Yours Faithfully

Mr. Stephen Allen

From: Daniel

Stephen,

Your communique has been received.

My delay in responding is regrettable, but you must know it was necessary. I have now secured a secure location with lots of security. We can communicate freely and without fear.

Stephen, please confirm this is an encrypted channel before I go on.

Daniel

No, wait, “Daniel” is too obvious. Let’s just say “Dr. D”

From: Stephen

Attn: Daniel Nest,

I am not disputing your curiosity and feeling of un-known fear.Obviously there are many bad guys out there without human conscience who can just do anything just to get quick money that never last and cannot solve their problem.

Look I am a devout Christian and my relationship with God matters a lot because God is watching every of our activities good or bad. I feel bad seeing people doing all kind of silly things just to fleece innocent people their hard earn income. Please this is not the same thing as what you may be thinking on the contrary. I have told you to repose your confidence in me and give me your trust and see if I will fail you. I will prove a point to you and you will later testify to people that truly good people still exist even in the midst of gullible ones. Everything is in your hands and I have told you the sober truth and nothing but the truth.

Regards

Mr. Stephen Allen

From: Daniel

Stephen,

Who is this “Daniel Nest” you speak of? There is nobody here by that name. This is Dr. D talking.

Wait. God is watching all of our activities? You told me not to tell anyone, now you’re getting deities involved? I don’t think that’s fair.

I am willing to start over, however. I have acquired the necessary materials and am working on a new identity. I am thinking Jason Bourne but with a touch of Maria from The Sound Of Music. Will that be acceptable?

What is our next step?

Please, guide me, my shining light of hope.

Dr. D

From: Stephen

VERIFICATION DEPARTMENT
REF-WBAR/SWISS/AD/VOL.5/2014.
FROM THE DESK OF Mr. Stephen Allen
HEAD OF FOREIGN OPERATION
General Director of the Interpol / VERIFICATION DEPARTMENT
PRIVATE EMAIL: stephenallen005@163.com

Attention: Daniel Nest,

The Management and board of trustee World in collaboration with the British Prime Minister in conjunction with United States Government and United Nation held a meeting last week concerning debt payment, both foreign and local contractors and some inheritance funds. In that meeting so many negative reports were tabled on behalf of our numerous contractors and foreign personnel’s on how unfairly they have been treated and extorted by some corrupt government officials who were vested with the authority to pay them their entitlements. The most annoying and irritating aspect of it all is that they could not effect payment to these foreign beneficiaries after subjecting them to so much stress and trauma. So the WORLD BANK Asia Region has being instructed to carry out the payment to you effectively.

Therefore, to facilitate you receive your fund which is worth is $ 15,000,000.00 (Fifteen Million United States Dollars Only), all you need to do is to choose an option as stated below on how you will prefer to get your funds.

OPTION 1: TO RECEIVE AN INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT
(1) Full name and delivery address
(2) Address, city, state and country
(3) Direct mobile / phone / fax.
(4) International passport or Driven license.
(5) Company name (if any) position and address
(6) Profession, age and marital status

OPTION 2: TELEGRAPHIC WIRE TRANSFER
(1) Your full name:
2) Address, city, state and country.
3) Cell Phone
4) Company name
5) Banking details
6) Profession
7) Copy of your int’l passport / drivers license

OPTION 3: ATM CREDIT CARD
(1) Full name and delivery address
(2) Address, city, state and country
(3) Direct mobile / phone / fax.
(4) International passport or Driven license.
(5) Company name (if any) position and address
(6) Profession, age and marital status

Choose your best option and have in mind that you must comply with a due process and international financial transaction policy.

You are welcome.

Mr. Stephen Allen
Head of Foreign Operation
World Bank African Region

From: Daniel

Investigative Committee
XCAKR-FUBAR 207
FROM THE LAPTOP OF Dr. D
AWESOMENESS ENGINEER
Major Director of the 7th Kingdom of Xhula

Attention, Stephen.

The band of brothers of CyberNet in conjunction with the French Baguette Guru, the United Defense Initiative, and Chuck E. Cheese are all very excited about this opportunity.

We have collectively decided to go for OPTION 4: Digital Carrier Pigeons.

Please provide the above at your earliest convenience.

If this raises any questions, please wire transfer your request to our facilitation officers. Otherwise, please contact me.

Is the above sufficient?

Dr. D

Blue And Yellow Tank Toy

Email Troll: “Tanks of South Africa”

You know that I’m no stranger to trolling spammers, scammers, and other unpleasant residents of cyberspace.

I have published a lot of my correspondence with such characters before.

Here comes another one. A certain scamming lady with a hilarious name Amina Gogo needed my help and was willing to pay me 15.5 million dollars for it. Below is our correspondence.

(As always, you can skim most of her emails—it’s standard scam template stuff.)

Side note: Why do all scammers insist on using the word “modality” and its derivatives? Is there some “Scamming 101” book that highlights it as a magic hypnotic word or something? I need to know!

Amina:

Good day,

I am quite sure that this mail will surprise you since we did not know each other before. But I searched & got your e-mail contact through Google.com for formal Introduction, I am Ms.Amina Gogo, Formal Protocol officer to late Mo’tassim Gaddafi.

My reason of contacting you is because I am looking for a Trustworthy person that I can present to the bank as the owner/ beneficiary of US$15.5M fix deposit in one of the Banks in Southern Africa. This was made during one of our trips last 2years to Southern African countries.

Reply if you can and more details will be giving to you on how the claim of this fund will be done in your name.Kindly reply via below email: msaminagogo9@gmail.com

Regards
Ms.Amina Gogo

Me:

Ms. Amina,

I am willing to help with the beneficiary of a bank person’s owner of 15.5M for formal protocol.

Please tell me what I can do!

Daniel

Amina:

Dear Daniel Nest

I want to Thank you for taken time to read my letter, meanwhile I have to use this opportunity to tell you how it can be done and to assure you that this transaction that we are about to go into is 100% legitimate and risk free. So there is nothing for you to worry about.

Please note that I will prefer we keep email communication at this stage, for the security of myself and my three kids, because we are still hidden to avoid face reprisal by some NTC loyalist.

For the benefit of this transaction, I will like you to note that the source of this fund was money assigned to me during the uprising in Libya, to travel to one of the Southern African country to negotiate and purchase (Arms) for the suppression of the upraising and civil war during that time. On that mission, I managed to divert part of the fund and fixed it in one of the local bank there. I told the bank that the fund belongs to a Business Partner who asked me to fix the fund on a fixed deposit account for one year.

The reason why I am soliciting for your assistance is because the bank sent me a notice, when the 1yrs elapsed, asking me to provide my Business Partner and again this week another reminder was sent to me that they are expecting my business Partner or next of kin for the claiming of the fixed amount, I was informed that the 2013 financial audit returns order stated clearly that failure to have such funds claimed, after years deadline, fund will be revoke or declared as profit after tax to the Bank or paid into the government treasury.

It was due to this dramatic turn of event that I decide to contact you, as to present you to the bank as my business partner / beneficiary to the fixed deposit.

To enable us facilitate this transaction, I will request you to send to me the following information stated bellow

Your full name:
Address:
Phone/fax no:
Country of origin:
Age:
Sex:
Occupation:
Nationality

With the above information, I will use it to file application/letter of Indemnity to the bank informing them that my business partner will be contacting them, to claim on my behalf the Fix Deposit. As soon as I hear back from you, more details will be given to you.

Note: for your help, you will have 35% of the total fund, While 60% for me and 5% will be use for the expenses that may be incurred in the process.

Finally, I want to guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate frame work that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Your urgent response will be appreciated.

Regards
Amina Gogo.

Me:

Ms. Amina!

I didn’t really understand much of your letter, but it was enough that it’s all 100% legitimate and risk free. I like those words!

I once had my face reprised by some 3TPCD loyalists, too, so I know what it feels like, apart from the fact that I don’t. I will help in any way I can.

When exactly do you expect me to be in South Africa?! Shall I bring my own arms or will these be provided directly upon arrival? At the moment I only have an old Super Soaker, but with proper upgrades it can be turned into a pretty effective makeshift flamethrower.

I await your orders.

Daniel over and out!

Amina:

Dear Mr..Daniel,

I have a banker there in South Africa who assisted me at the time I deposited the fund and he will still be of good help in this transaction.

I also want you to know that the banker will be in a very good position to detail you on the procedures to follow to receive this fund in my favor. I also guarantee you that this is safe and it will be done in a legitimate frame work. All you need to do is to work with the banker.

Your urgent reply will enable me connect you with the Banker so that both of you can go into direct communication and work out all the required modalities.

Yours truly,

Mrs. Amina Gogo

Me:

Dear Amina,

Perfect! I have already fashioned a sort of tank out of a Nerf gun and a tricycle I’ve borrowed from my neighbours’ three-year-old daughter, and which I don’t have to return until next Friday. I’m all set!

Will you provide a steamship ticket to South Africa, or will I have to swim there on my own? I don’t want to sound negative, but if it’s the latter I may need around a week to get there (I’m guessing South Africa is at least as far from here as Budapest).

All modalities are ready and all systems go, as they say in Star Wars.

Let’s rock this house!

Daniel

Amina:

Dear Sir

I received your mail. Kindly feel free to contact the banker with the below details he will tell you all the procedures regard the claim of the funds,

Foreign Operation Department
Bidvest Bank
Mr. Gavin Kumar

Sir, always keep me posted in all your communications with him.

I wait to hear from you.

Regards,
Amina

Me (to Gavin):

Hi Gavin,

Amina said you’re the man to sponsor my coup in South Africa. How do we proceed?

Daniel

Amina:

Dear Daniel Nest

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail for voluntarily trying to be of assistance in this transaction. But before getting to exited on this whole transaction now, I will as a matter of cautiousness request that you give me a brief explanation of who you are, what you do for a living and most importantly, your direct phone number. This will help the banker to be in a direct communication with you and to ascertain our business relationship.

Your urgent response to this mail will be highly appreciated and we shall take it further from here. Please be informed that this fund in question is all that I have now and I have to be very careful on who I am dealing with to avoid running into a wrong hand.

On receipt of your response and with the few things needed from you, we shall give you more details on how we are going to get this transaction done on your arrival to Johannesburg. I would like to know from you if you have contacted the banker kindly keep me posted.

Sincerely,
Amina

Me:

Miss Amina?

I am confused. I was writing to Gavin. Did you hack into this conversation to steal our rightful money? I am getting a bit suspicious of this whole operation, and I am even reconsidering lending my excellent pottery skills to it.

Daniel

Amina stopped writing after this. I guess I caught her red-handed in an attempt to prevent my conquest of Africa. Good riddance!