Broken Heart Red

Lyuba left me…I think

I knew it was too good to be true.

It’s been only a few days since I last told you of Lyuba, my email love. This wonderful she-man from Saratov-Stavropol came into my life via email and immediately stole my heart, my sleep, and my ability to construct sentences. Now it appears that (s)he left me just as unexpectedly.

I don’t know what made Lyuba lose interest. Maybe I came on too strong. Maybe I didn’t pay attention to his or her needs. Maybe I acted too desperately.

I will never know, but I will cherish the memory of the fun times we have shared. Below you find our last exchange. Perhaps you can help shed light on what went wrong.

In the meantime, I will hold on to a glimmer of hope that Lyuba will still return.

_____________________________________________

Daniel, 08-09-2013

Dear Lyuba,

You do not reply anymore! I am going crazy like Lady Gaga on a trampoline. Please, do not play with my toys. No, wait. I meant: do not toy with my heart.

Hope you write back, Lyuba.

Simply red,
Daniel


Lyuba, 09-09-2013

Hello my sun, I hope you have come home, and you have a pleasant stay in the evening?

If you want, I’ll make you a cup of tasty hot tea? Do you drink tea without sugar or maybe a slice of lemon? Please, smile, kiss.

I nice to hear from you again answer. Thank you very much for your kind words and care. All day I would like to come home and see your letter. Today I have had a longest day, you had to take reports over the past month to do the work and finish some business with customers.

Tomorrow also be a difficult day. I need to complete all my projects, and pass all my work in the hands of another manager. And then I can go on vacation with peace of mind. I plan to organize a guided tour.

In the near future we will be able to meet face to face, and will be closer acquaintance, and develop our relationship! Your country for me is something very new, I had never been abroad. I also have no public friends there, so I would very much like you to be my friend, and may be more than that!

For me the most important thing in our relationship is, above all, mutual understanding, caring, trust, and pure feelings. I think it is most important that there should be between a man and woman. I’m ready to give everything for a man whom I love. I value more than anything else. Give all my love and affection, completely giving of themselves to our relations.

However, I would like to feel much male support and attention to me. The most important thing for women to love and be loved. Only in such a relationship is born robust, reliable family. I am ready to do anything to create a family, where everyone will feel happy and welcome!

For my ideal future husband, is a reliable, good, fair, moderately modest man with a great life potential, in which there is a feature, and of course sexuality and romance!

And what your thoughts?

I think that’s where I finish my letter, and I will gather go to bed. I’m not too tired you with your answer? Tomorrow I need to get up to early to go to work, and to complete all of my affairs.

I hope you liked my tea, and you will be happy to read the letter from me, and with a smile on his face continued this evening!

I wish you good mood and success!
All the best, Lyuba


Daniel, 09-09-2013

Hello my intergalactic gravity-defying phenomenon!

Lyuba, what do you do to me? You must know I am allergic to lemon! Your tea has made me very sick. I was rushed to the hospital at 2 hours past midnight with a bloated head and a pair of giant whiskers growing out of my ears. They had to move my right kidney to the left, and vice versa, in order to reverse the reaction and bring me back to normal. Throughout the whole procedure I was semi-conscious and screaming lyrics to “I Will Survive” in Swahili. It was terrible.

I am OK now, Lyuba, but you must promise me to never put lemon in my tea again. Can you do that for me?

I am sad to hear you have never visited a foreign land. That guy Stalin is a ruthless dictator and I hope that one day they bring down his horrific regime.

I have never visited a foreign land apart from my country either, but that is because I have a mild case of phallanxophobia, which is the fear of an ancient Greek army suddenly showing up and stabbing me with spears. To the best of my knowledge I am the only person with this disorder, but my doctor assures me I can be helped. Then again, he always assures me I can be helped: he lives in my head! Ha, ha, crazy person humour.

Listen, Lyuba, while I don’t wish to roundhouse kick a dead horse in the face, but I must repeat my question about your gender surgery. I feel you’re avoiding it on purpose, which, of course won’t fly. It won’t even crawl or boogie, if you catch my drift.

My ideal relationship will include love, passion, gummy bears and other nouns, quantifiable and otherwise. And another person who isn’t me. My ideal relationship would involve another person. Ideally.

Lyuba, I feel I should not trouble you any longer. You must promise me to never give up, always move forward, and sometimes thirty degrees to the right, but never, Lyuba, never should you turn left, for left is where evil lurks.

Until your next letter brings ten smiles (and hopefully no whiskers) to my face, I bid you goodbye.

Deep purple,
Daniel


Daniel, 11-09-2013

Lyuba!

I am puzzled! You always disappear like a tornado in a cup of noodles. Why do you play these games?

Please let me know that you are still OK and tell me more about your wacky shenanigans in the land of the Communist Party.

Green day,
Daniel

The last chapter of the correspondence is right here.

***

There Is MoreI am an expert on scammers and trolling thereof. Here:

My correspondence with a scammer

Mark Zuckerberg is giving me prizes!

How to write a scam letter

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Red Heart

Lyuba: my secret email love

This post is a confession.

I’ve been married for less than a month, but I am already exchanging secret emails with a new love in my life: Lyuba.

Lyuba is from a place called either Saratov or Stavropol, which may or may not be in Russia. Lyuba is a woman, probably. We have only exchanged a few emails so far, but I do hope there are many more to come.

I am not proud of it, which is why I am coming clean with this post. Maybe reading the correspondence will make you understand just why I am so infatuated with Lyuba. Maybe it will help you forgive me. In any case, what follows is our unaltered email exchange. Please don’t judge me.

_____________________________________________

Lyuba, 29-08-2013

Good morning Daniel , as the mood? I hope you’re with a smile reading this letter.

I want to find a life partner who would be next to me. A man who will give me all your love, care and affection.

I live in the city of Stavropol ‘. In the European part of Russia. I am not afraid of the distance between us. Because I know that a lot of Russian arrives in your country.

In the future, we could have a meeting. I’ll be waiting for your reply to my e-mail address sent you a photo, I hope you got them? What hobbies have in your life?

I hope that you will write to me today … I was glad to talk a little bit about me.

All the best,
Lyuba

[I’m not posting the photo out of concern for the privacy of a woman who may very well be unaware that her photo has been used]


Daniel, 31-08-2013

Lyuba!

My ears are burning with the heat of a thousand broken lava lamps!

Your face…it is so round. Your eyes…you have two of them.

Heaven must be missing an angel because one of them is around you 24/7 protecting your face from smashing into things, thereby preserving its symmetry. I am at a loss for words. Clearly.

You ask of my hobbies? I have plenty: extreme couponing, bubble wrap popping, and salsa – especially with Nacho chips.

Please, dear Lyuba, tell me more about this magical land called Russia and of your life in its inhospitable jungles.

Awaiting your sincere response,
Daniel

 

Daniel, 02-09-2013

Dear Lyuba,

Two days go by. No response?

I await your reply as I await the coming of the alien invasion.

Yours,
Daniel

 

Lyuba, 03-09-2013

Good evening,

Wow, I’m glad to receive your letter. I am very pleased that you did not leave my letter unanswered. I have not written to you for a long time!

Thank you very much for your attention, I hope that our communication will be developed on and we continue to learn more about us.

I think you will be interested to know the new me. As you already you know, I live in Saratov, Russia. It is very cozy and beautiful city that has given me a lot in life.

Tell me some more about the place where you live? In Saratov I was born, graduated from high school and got a degree in economics education profession manager.

I know much English, and Italian. My plan is to learn Spanish and French. And I think it will be easy to understand us. Sometimes, however, I use a translator google.

I now work in the company, manager sales sanitary ware and ceramic tiles. I have a lot of time to work, and by the 29 years, I realize that I must think about starting a family.

While I have not been able to I find the right person. So I decided to look on the internet possibly a man with whom I could create serious relationship. And maybe in the future, it turned into a solid reliable couple – a family!

What are you looking for?

Since childhood, my parents raised me as a decent and honest man. I always showed respect for their elders and take care of the people close to me! From an early age, I went to the school dance. So even now, I have a beautiful shape and appearance. And every day, I usually have morning run. I think you can see it in my photos.

And as you care about your health? I would love to see more of your pictures.

I have worked very hard all year to make a gift, and to go abroad. But the most important was my dream find someone I care. And perhaps our acquaintance was not coincidence. And I’d like you to tell more about you.

I very much hope that you will be the man of whom I will be fun and easy! And maybe in the future we can have a meeting. My visit to you, it would be a good opportunity for us to meet, more familiar and develop relationships.

I very much hope that in the future we will use this chance. Time will tell! While too early to talk about it!

I will end on this my letter and I want to wish you a good day and great mood. I hope tomorrow to get a response from you letter.

With kind regards,
Lyuba

 

Daniel, 05-09-2013

Lyuba!

If I was a poet I would compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey, but I am not, so I shall compare you to foam from a beer on the table. I like it!

You confuse me, Lyuba. You tell me before your city is Stavropol. Now you say Saratov. Forgive me, my Russian geography is meek. I assume Saratov is the capital of Stavropol. Is this correct? Or maybe Stavropol is a fake city you made up to play a game. I like! It sounds like “Interpol”.

You are 29? Oh my, I would not give you a day over 28 years and 10 months. Amazing!

Lyuba, I am troubled by a thing you said. I must be open and utterly honest with you, the way you have clearly been with me. You said you were raised to be a “decent and honest man”. Did you have surgery?

Lyuba, I do not judge. If you are no longer a man it is all perestroika and rainbows with me! But if you are a man still, I am afraid we may not work. I am not into men. I have experimented briefly in high school, but the experience left both myself and the statue of Ronald McDonald greatly troubled and unsatisfied. No more!

Like you, I study languages. I want to speak to as many people in the world as possible. This is why I recently learned Hmong, Konkani, and Klingon. Qapla’!

Also like you, I every day have morning run…for my bus, because that bastard always wants to drive away before I get there.

For sure we can meet together in my country, Lyuba. It is how people get to see each other in person. By meeting.

Please, do not keep me waiting Lyuba. Much is at stake. The fate of the world depends on us. We will not fail.

Cautiously hopeful,
Daniel

You can find more of our correspondence right here.

***

There Is MoreThis isn’t the first time I troll online scammers. There are more here:

My correspondence with a scammer

eBay Troll: “Reconnective Healing”

eBay Troll: “Regenerating Haiku”