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5 critical reviews of Etsy products

I’ve been accused of picking on Etsy before. People have even called me obsessed. I wouldn’t be the last to admit that these people aren’t never not incorrect in saying that. Today, I want to make up for my lack of objectivity. It’s easy to make fun of horrifying dolls, but it’s another thing entirely to offer a balanced review.

That’s why, this morning, I ordered a number of Etsy items—some for me, some for our cats, and a something for my wife. They immediately shipped the items to me via experimental Amazon drones. Below you find my no-nonsense reviews of these products, focusing on both the pros and the cons.

Let it never again be said that I’m not thorough or objective:

5. Cat goggles (and jumper)

Cat Goggles

Pros: Jumper exceedingly soft. Rubbed it all over my face. So smooth. Silky. Like a snowflake baked inside the dream of an angel. Wore it. Comfortable. Too bad it’s for cats.

Cons: Nearly impossible to put on a cat. Lots of scratches on hands, arms, and face. Cats refuse to wear goggles for prolonged periods of time. Or at all. Eventually managed to attach the goggles semi-permanently to Django, using a clever combination of duct tape and disregard for own life.

4. Cat resting place

Le Chat

Pros: Nice resting place for cats. Looks a lot like a regular human pillow.

Cons: Words “The Cat” horribly misspelled.

3. Metal tag for labeling severed fingers

Finger Ring

Pros: Convenient, almost-invisible tag, making the labeling and sorting of your severed human fingers collection a breeze.

Cons: IMPORTANT: Severed human fingers are not included! Audaciously misleading advertising.

2. Severed fingers

Severed Fingers

Pros: More than makes up for lack of severed fingers above. Fits nicely into my already extensive collection.

Cons: Names, dates of birth, or other victim data not provided. Suspect the fingers may actually be fake.

1. “What’s For Dinner?” planner

Whats for dinner sign

Pros: Great joke fodder. Gave it to the wife. Said: “Now you can focus on making the dinner, instead of planning for it.” Then I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Cons: Extremely difficult to find a cheap and reliable divorce lawyer in my area.

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Scary Screaming Skull

WTF Report: “Sleep tight, kids!”

For this last post of 2013, I went to Etsy.com—the place that sells child-birthing dolls, crafted trinkets, and permanent psychological trauma.

I wasn’t looking for just anything, mind you. I wanted to find something related to the new year celebrations. Something I could share with my beloved audience, to remind them of these wondrous holiday times and the hopeful anticipation that accompanies the arrival of each new year.

I found it. By the unholy spirits in the twisted kingdom of earthly horrors, I found it. Please welcome, the “Baby Christmas New Year Doll.”

Sorry, I misspoke. What I meant to say was: “Please welcome, the ‘Creepy Baby Christmas New Year Prop Altered Art Doll Holiday Horror Dark Goth Fear Haunted Scary Odd Weird.'”

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“Your soul tastes of strawberry!”

I’m not exactly sure what makes this a “Christmas” or “New Year” doll—but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s the dark, empty void of hopeless terror that we’ve all come to associate with the holiday season. The doll is yours for only $80 and an irreversible sacrifice of your ability to ever feel joy again (plus shipping).

If you’re not a fan of the New Year doll, you can always ask its creator for something else, like this cute abomination I like to call “Toothy Greaseface Sleep-No-More”:

"I just ate your screams, so all you can do is whisper!"

“Sssshhhh. I just ate your screams, and nobody can hear you whisper!”

Or why not skip all of that, and go straight for the physical embodiment of the very concept of suffering? Like “Mouth McTerror” over here:

"I live in your nightmares. Sanity is a dream."

“I live in your nightmares. Sanity is a sweet dream.”

What I find impressive about all of these, is not the designer’s ability to maintain hand dexterity while creating cosmic horrors. No, what’s impressive is that we apparently live in an age when insane asylums grant their inmates free access to the Internet and an Etsy account.

Enjoy your newfound ability to not sleep. Happy freaking holidays, all. See you in 2014!

Baby Twins

WTF Report: “The Miracle of Childbirth”

Today’s WTF Report is brought to you courtesy of Etsy.com, otherwise known as the place where people sell physical manifestations of their nightmares under the guise of deceptive words like “vintage”, “handmade” and “craft”.

I’m about to show you a picture of an educational doll.

This doll is meant to teach kids about childbirth, so you know it’s going to be tasteful and…

Creepy Childbirth Doll

Mom, it’s a-me, Mario!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Why?! WHY?! MY EYES!

Before you accuse me of assaulting your eyes with creepy pornography without warning, please do keep in mind that this is marketed as an educational doll. For children.

There are many things I could make fun of, based on the picture alone. I could comment on how the kid appears to have a huge trucker moustache. Alternatively, his mother has an unnatural forest-like growth on her abdomen that must be attended to by a professional. I could point out how the child is arriving to this world immediately expecting a high five. Or is that the umbilical cord, fighting its way out ahead of the baby? Some questions are best left unanswered.

I won’t make fun of any of those things. Instead, I’ll share with you some of the best highlights from the childbirth doll’s description:

The doll is apparently award winning, in categories like “Most Creative” and “Best in Show”. I certainly won’t argue with the “creative” part – anything that stretches beyond the limits of what a sane mind can adequately comprehend can technically be labelled “creative”. “Best in Show” only holds true if the doll ran against a hand-made dead pigeon dressed as a ballet dancer, assembled by a psycho who killed at least seventeen people in his life.

The childbirth doll is apparently “anatomically correct”, which is also true in that she has the proper amount of limbs.

Finally, “she makes a great addition to any midwifery practice, or for any birth professional that works with siblings.” Yes she does, if your goal is to convince said siblings that their future sister or brother is the spawn of evil who will arrive to this world in a hellish ritual that leaves their mother drained of all energy and will to live.

Have fun with your new toy, kids. And remember, peaceful sleep is for losers!