I’ve been accused of picking on Etsy before. People have even called me obsessed. I wouldn’t be the last to admit that these people aren’t never not incorrect in saying that. Today, I want to make up for my lack of objectivity. It’s easy to make fun of horrifying dolls, but it’s another thing entirely to offer a balanced review.
That’s why, this morning, I ordered a number of Etsy items—some for me, some for our cats, and a something for my wife. They immediately shipped the items to me via experimental Amazon drones. Below you find my no-nonsense reviews of these products, focusing on both the pros and the cons.
Let it never again be said that I’m not thorough or objective:
Pros: Jumper exceedingly soft. Rubbed it all over my face. So smooth. Silky. Like a snowflake baked inside the dream of an angel. Wore it. Comfortable. Too bad it’s for cats.
Cons: Nearly impossible to put on a cat. Lots of scratches on hands, arms, and face. Cats refuse to wear goggles for prolonged periods of time. Or at all. Eventually managed to attach the goggles semi-permanently to Django, using a clever combination of duct tape and disregard for own life.
Pros: Nice resting place for cats. Looks a lot like a regular human pillow.
Cons: Words “The Cat” horribly misspelled.
Pros: Convenient, almost-invisible tag, making the labeling and sorting of your severed human fingers collection a breeze.
Cons: IMPORTANT: Severed human fingers are not included! Audaciously misleading advertising.
Pros: More than makes up for lack of severed fingers above. Fits nicely into my already extensive collection.
Cons: Names, dates of birth, or other victim data not provided. Suspect the fingers may actually be fake.
Pros: Great joke fodder. Gave it to the wife. Said: “Now you can focus on making the dinner, instead of planning for it.” Then I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Cons: Extremely difficult to find a cheap and reliable divorce lawyer in my area.