Blue Eyed Bearded Man Face

10 Things more shocking than Conchita Wurst winning Eurovision

For those who don’t know, Copenhagen just hosted Europe’s annual mediocre-pop-songs event, called the Eurovision. Dozens of contestants took turns performing their instantly forgettable songs, until one emerged victorious.

This year’s winner—Conchita Wurst—had a strong voice and put on a powerful performance, which is more than can be said for many previous winners. There was, however, one problem: The winner was a he dressed like a she. I know, I know, unimaginable! But that’s not all. While the Eurovision contest previously had its share of drag queens, this one had a distinguishing feature. Conchita Wurst—you better be sitting down—had a beard. A beard! A hairy face-hugger. A “jungle of the lower face,” as I’m sure nobody calls it.

I’ll give you space to get over your initial outrage and let you punch a few kittens to calm down. Rest assured: You’re not alone in your righteous indignation. Hateful reactions to Conchita’s victory ranged from:

Conchita Wurst Youtube Comment 1


Grammer Hulk Be The Mad!

Grammer Hulk Be The Mad!

All the way to:

Conchita Wurst Youtube Comment 3

A perfectly proportionate response.

As you can see, YouTube commenters grabbed the concept of “beauty is on the inside” and then cracked its skull open against the wall of “missing the point.”

While people are busy expressing their rage in a multitude of different ways, I’d like to offer a list of 10 things I find more shocking than a bearded gay man (in a dress) winning a song contest.

10. That Hollywood keeps rebooting the same superhero origin story over and over again, yet we still pay money to watch Peter Parker get bitten by a radioactive spider for the 17th time.

9. A taser. Bazinga!

8. That this humanoid ball of concentrated hatred has over 3 million views on YouTube. More now, thanks to me.

7. That a rabbit can lie perfectly still in a sink full of hot water. That’s adorable as fuck (even though many comments are pointing out the dangers of doing that).

6. That the NSA can monitor all my online activity and [REDACTED] at any point to [REDACTED] with the naked [REDACTED] salami.

5. That somebody thought carrot-orange ice cream was a good idea.

4. That people enjoy curling.

3. That is thriving despite the many horrors lurking there.

2. That up to one in two LGBT people experience workplace discrimination because of their sexual orientation.

1. That in the year 2014 some people still consider it an almost-personal insult when a guy chooses to express himself through an artistic image that doesn’t conform to their definition of normality.

Chill the hell out. Stop freaking out over shit that doesn’t have an iota of impact on your personal life. Aim your anger at some real issues, like Jenny McCarthy indirectly murdering people by spreading her fucktastically idiotic views on vaccines.

Hatefully bashing people over their sexual orientation and artistic choices doesn’t elevate you to some higher plane of existence. Quite the opposite. If I have to choose between being a raging homophobe and finding a dress that matches my beard, I’ll take the dress, thanks.