Restaurant Menu

How not to order food

How many times has this happened to you:

You come to one of those fancier restaurants; one where they have waiters, ambient music, and expect you to eat with a knife and fork. Then you find out that they have a system for ordering food, wherein you set check marks next to items you want to shove into your face-hole.

“This is easy,” you think to yourself, “I’ve set check marks next to items in a list before. This is going to be a cakewalk.” Then you start thinking about cake, because you have the attention span of a flea high on exhaust fumes and are easily distracted when clown bonanza flashing lights escapade.

You decide to skip the starter and to only order the main dish. You get back to the menu and discover that you can set a giant “A” or “B” after the number of your dish, where “A” stands for “normal person portion” and “B” stands for “shortcut to obesity.” You figure that more food is better than not more food, so you set a “B” next to your order. Then you proceed to set a check mark next to “French Fries” instead of baked potatoes, because baked potatoes can go right to Hell where they belong.

Then you set a check mark next to “Bearnaise sauce” only to immediately find out that it actually says “Bearnaise butter,” because this restaurant offers both butter and sauce and believes you to be an adult capable of making an active choice as to which one you prefer. You cross out the butter part by basically drawing all over it and proceed to mark “Bearnaise sauce” as you intended. At that exact moment, you read the line below “Bearnaise sauce.” It reads: “Chili Bearnaise sauce.” You want that one. Also, you’re an idiot who can’t stop his stupid hands from compulsively drawing check marks without letting the brain process information.

You cross out the wrong choice again. You’re so close…

And then your wife casually suggest that you may want to consider a starter after all. She’ll be having one. Also, those starters do look good. Good point, you’ll pick a starter…but first, you probably should change that main dish size from “B” back to “A” to at least pretend to have a sense of moderation. You look at the final order and realize that you’ve somehow managed to make an absolute, god-awful mess of something that requires fewer steps than picking weekly lottery numbers.

Thankfully, the card has a reverse side especially for people with your failing motor skills. You decide to start all over.

But wait! How will the waiter know which side to use?! Better make sure the side you’ve botched up is as visibly unusable as possible. So you cross out all items. Then you add a giant “X” over the whole thing, because honestly, at this point, why the Hell not?

You also momentarily forget that you’re a 30-something-year-old dude and not an adorkable child, so you draw what you believe to be a cute little smiley face that is crying over its failure to fill out a simple form, mistakenly believing that the restaurant’s staff won’t make fun of you the moment your waiter shows them this pathetic piece of ruined paper.

Can you relate to that hyper-specific scenario? If so, me too! What a coincidence, right?

All of the above is 100 percent true. I even have the picture to prove it:

Restaurant Order Fail

My hobby: photographing own failures for posterity.

You can laugh. Go ahead. I dare y…oh, you were already laughing? Well then, carry on.

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Old Book Sketch

Search Term Roulette: “If I had known” edition

All right, boys and girls. Gather around and stop reading my blog! What are you doing? This blog is for adults! Why aren’t you in bed yet?!

Kids these days…

Anyway, it’s time for the quarterly search term bonanza. It’s also time to stop saying “bonanza.” Nobody says that anymore. Never say “bonanza,” you’ll embarrass yourself.

You know the drill. Below are some search terms that brought people to my blog. With commentary.

1. Hairspray. Can this be used if attacked?

Sure. Although I find it worrying that your main concern when attacked is “Does my hair look great?”

2. Does dog hairspray stop it coming out?

My hairspray stops the dogs coming out to the yard,
And they’re like…uh…”woof woof,” I guess?

3. Again maybe that thing making me mad

Not again! That’s outrageous! I get so angry about the things that make me mad!

4. Kidnap and fucking and licking brooms

And for how long have you been in the household cleaning tools adult industry?

5. Sexy teens OK yes?

Not if no want jail and sex offender registry, no.

6. What’s a riddle to get the name Daniel?

Daniel’s an enigma. He’s a ghost that moves through the shadows in the corners of your dreams. He’s the wind you hear in the darkness of the night. He’s an illusion, a hallucination, a perception that never quite takes concrete shape. He glides through the edges of fantasy, never materializing, never…OK, what the hell are we talking about?!

7. Lifelike dolls created by stealing children’s souls

Why the specificity in your question? Isn’t that how all dolls are made? No? How do you explain their immeasurable creepiness, then?

8. How to make a guy shut up in sexy way over text?

Reach out and gently caress the touchscreen of your phone. Now softly, sensually, press the “mute” button.

9. How to text good words when posting a sexy picture on Facebook?

I make words good, yes? Me sexy, no? Like picture, please!

No…that’s not it.

10. A story that ends with the expression “If I had known.”

Thanks for ruining the twist ending, asshole!

11. Sex text reply

Aaaaah, the long-awaited sequel to Eat Pray Love.

12. My friend’s dog is big and annoying

Uh, you do know that Google isn’t your buddy, right? It doesn’t care what you think about your friend’s dog. Now, if you’re looking for “best ways to transport big dogs,” and “nearest unexplored forest,” and “how to get a fake alibi,” then…maybe I’ve said too much.

13. Some tips for fucking married wife

Never mind that! Tell me more about these “unmarried wives” you seem to know.

14. Fart underwear don’t blame on dog

That sounds reasonable. My dog only wears underwear on weekends and St. Patrick’s Day, anyways.

15. Anti-gay reasons

Bigotry? Fear of things you don’t understand? Convenient misinterpretation of the Bible? There are many.

16. Never hit a guy with glasses

Finally! My shortcut to invincibility is becoming a reality.

17. Pictures of humour nest pictures

Nonsense of buffet Sudoku parkour.

18. Do NYPD and FDNY hate each other?

“Help.” It’s spelled “help each other.” And yes, they do.

19. How to unfollow people on Twitter who tweet too often?

OK, you’ll need: three staples, a jar of banana-strawberry jam, two kilograms of sugar, and a dog’s whisker. Now, mix the sugar with the jam, staple the whisker to your forehead, then click the “unfollow” button next to the person you want to unfollow. Some steps optional.

20. What did I do wrong unfollowed on Twitter?

How should I know, dude?! Ask the idiot with the dog’s whisker stapled to his forehead.

21. I have to wear glasses will I get laid?

No. Clearly.

22. Chinese guy licking Chinese guy

Aisle three. Fourth shelf. “Asian Adventures” section.

23. Make Lara Croft costume

Thanks for the suggestion, but I already have one. In fact, I’m wearing it right now. Enjoy the mental image. You’re welcome.

24. Comparisons to cucumbers

Green bananas. That’s…that’s it…I got nothing.

25. “Hehe” in a texts from guy

According to Merriam-Webster: “Used to express or as an imitation of derisive laughter or a senile or foolish giggle.” So it’s kind of like a smiley with its tongue out, but in word form. Does that help?

Yellow Scooter

WTF Report: “Look ma, no hands (or brains)”

Do you know what’s difficult? Standing on one leg while juggling nine bowling balls covered in sulfuric acid and singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen.

You know what else is difficult? Driving a scooter without crashing it into something every few seconds. Apparently.

Case in point:

If you’ve missed it, the madness starts already on the first second—upper middle of the screen. The whole video plays out like a Charlie Chaplin skit, only with more reckless bodily injury.

Meet our hero: an unknown scooter driver. His mission? To cross the road. His determination? Commendable. His driving skills? Non-existent. His ability to remain entirely in denial about the lack of said skills? World class!

I wonder what’s going through his head this whole time?

0:01 Jeez! Where did that car come from?! Awkward. Welp, gotta get back on my bike. As they say, “if at first you don’t succeed…”

0:14 OK-gotta-go-no-time-to-wait-excuse-me-weeeeeeee!

0:17 Oh, for the love of…another car?! What is this, an intersection? Out of my way!

0:21 I said, “Out. Of. My.”

0:24 Wwwwwaaaaaaaaaa…

0:25 …aaaaw, for fuck’s sake! Who taught these people to drive?! Excuse me, but I don’t have all day. If you’re not moving, I am.

0:29 FREEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

0:30 AAAAAAAAAAARGH THIS IS GODDAMN RIDICULOUS! REALLY! Ooooooow, my poor all internal organs at once. How they hurt! I’m gonna go give this driver a piece of my mind (and maybe a shard of my collarbone, the way things are going). Is he even looking where he drives?!

0:50 What? Oh no-no-no-no-NO you don’t! You won’t be stealing my scooter. You might crash it into a wall or something.

0:58 Oops. Just a little bump. Not to worry. I got this.

0:59 This thing has a steering wheel?! Well I’ll be damned, driving’s about to get a whole lot easier!

1:00 Move aside, road barricade, I have places to be!

1:03 Places like this cosy giant hole in the middle of the city for no good reason. So peaceful in here. No other drivers. I think I’ll take a nap.

By the way, judging by the piece of the barricade that falls in with our hero, the hole isn’t that deep. So we can assume he’ll be OK. As long as he gives up driving. Permanently.

Green Alien Face

The Fall

I know. Cats again. I’ve been a bit lazyish with the blog lately, so I’m using the kittens as post fodder. Bad Daniel. This must stop. It will stop. Soon.

…until it does – did you know that cats communicate through a series of eerie noises? People on Youtube insist on calling these scary sounds “chirping”, but don’t let that fool you – this is how cats keep their worldwide spy communications encrypted.

It’s not long before they rise up and take what’s rightfully theirs, enslaving humans and making us all prance around like horses for their enjoyment. Oh wait, some of us already do that.

But for now we can still make fun of their chirping sounds. Watch this video of Django and Pebbles hunting flies and tell me they don’t sound like aliens from Mars Attacks!

Are any of you wondering why this post was called “The Fall”? Did you somehow miss Django’s epic fail in the above video? Allow me to help:


I’ll be back shortly with some cat-free posts.

7 ways to fail on a treadmill

Mankind wasn’t born to fly. We were born to do many other things, such as walk, eat, watch poor quality reality TV and make other bad life choices.

We were also born to run. Running originally helped us escape dangerous predators and was the fastest means of locomotion available. At some point we decided that running in place without actually propelling ourselves forward sounded like a much better idea (refer to “bad life choices” above).

So we invented the treadmill. Soon we mastered the art of running on the treadmill and a split second afterwards the art of falling flat on our faces while using the treadmill.

This post is the second in a series of visual guides designed to help you fail in a manner of your choosing. Just like with “7 ways to walk into glass“, my aim with this guide is not to help you avoid failing hilariously while other gym goers point and laugh. I am merely here to give guidance on how you can make the fail your own.

If you’re going to fall down and injure yourself, at the very least you can do so in a way that underlines your character and plays to your strengths. Pick your favourites from the below and learn how to execute these tricky treadmill fails. Enjoy:

7. The Copycat

When someone does something impressive, something that you have no chance of ever doing better than them, what is left for you to do? Well, if you’re the altruistic kind, you can make their achievement seem that much more awesome by failing spectacularly at the same exact thing. Make sure you follow directly in their footsteps, so that your epic fail is immediately comparable to their stellar performance. They will love you for it.


6. The Circus Act

If you’re planning on entertaining your friends by smashing your face into a running treadmill, you can’t afford not to use a prop. Be creative. Stilts are perfect. In the absence of stilts a bike will do nicely. However, you must make sure the bike doesn’t present an obstacle for your face-plant. You don’t want props interfering with the act, you want them to enhance it.


5. The Dancer

Whoever said “music helps your treadmill workout” clearly didn’t take that point far enough. Everything is better with music. So it’s only natural that the musically gifted among you will want to incorporate a dance into your fail routine. With this one you can really put your ass into it. Literally. Make the treadmill a part of the experience. Take the concept of “breakdance” to a new level!


4. The Fitness Guru

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Occasionally, however, two rights make one horrible wrong. It’s just like the age old-wisdom claims:

“One piece of exercise equipment is good. Two pieces of exercise equipment are better. Two pieces of exercise equipment used simultaneously may result in severe head trauma”


3. The Gitness Furu

Who said there’s only one way to combine a treadmill and an exercise ball? Shame on them! Here’s how you use these same two props creatively.


2. The Impatient

Not all of us have the time to plan the perfect fail. Some of us have busy schedules and can’t go around acquiring props or learning complex dance routines to make our fails great. And that’s perfectly OK. If you’re a man or woman of action – just go straight for the fail. By the time others are only just making their way to the treadmill your face will already be intimately acquainted with it!


1. The Vengeful Hulk

It’s completely understandable that, after years of witnessing treadmills embarrass humans, there’ll be one man who will stands up to this injustice. If that man is you – pay attention. This is how you systematically and utterly disassemble a treadmill, conclusively proving that you’re not to be messed with.


Bonus Clip

All of the above fails have a common thread: they all involve humans and each and every one of them gives up right after the fail. Strangely, all it takes for us weaklings to say “I quit!” is having our faces smashed into the floor at high velocities. And here we have a dog who, after failing hilariously, not only dusts himself off and goes right back to the treadmill, but does so while barking triumphantly. If this doesn’t convince you that the dogs are our superiors, then their inevitable takeover of the planet in 2018 surely will! Woof woof!

 

Guest Expressed: “8 Ways NOT to Drive a Sports Car”

Sports cars – can’t live without them, can’t drive them without making a fool of yourself.

Today Chris Turberville-Tully makes yet another appearance on the blog to share some driving tips, with illustrated “DO NOTs”.

Enter Chris:

When you want to learn how to drive a powerful car properly, you can take lessons from professional instructors at established driving schools. When you want to learn how NOT to drive a powerful car, there are guys with cellphone cameras and idiots in out-of-control cars.

Let’s visit the Hall of Shame.

Lesson #1: Allow for Proper Spacing

Most of us have dealt with bumper-to-bumper freeway traffic, creeping along inch by inch. It makes us yearn for an empty road where we can really air things out. In some abandoned parking lot somewhere, these two guys have all the room in the world to see what their cars can do, and they still end up trying to occupy the same space…at the same time.

Lesson #2: Driving a Cobra doesn’t make you a Cobra Driver

Here’s a guy in a very classic Cobra entering the road after several others have gone before him. Perhaps the other drivers made it look too easy. The poor fellow in the Cobra just can’t seem to be able to make a gentle left turn onto the open road.

Lesson #3: Shiny Road are Slick Roads

Many of us like shiny things, but a shiny road is not one of them. Mustangs may be the most legendary muscle car in American automotive history, but sometimes that power can work against you on slick surfaces.

Lesson #4: On Straightaways, Drive Straight

Experts can make even the most difficult tasks look easy. Idiots make easy tasks look impossible. This poor sap either has more power than he can handle, or, he has picked a very inopportune time and place to attempt a U-turn.

Lesson #5: Don’t Try To Video Your Exploits

Here we’re treated to the dashboard view of a couple of numbskulls trying to set a land-speed record out on a rural, two-lane road. Of course, the occasional bit of top soil blows onto the road. Let’s just say this is not good for traction. (Warning: In the midst of the crash, passenger language becomes a bit crude.)

Lesson #6: Don’t Park Your Performance Car Next to an Idiot

Actor Paul Walker learned this lesson when he parked his $130,000 Audi R8 next to a big Dodge pick-up truck. How ironic is it that Walker—known for his role in “Fast & Furious”—would end up with a crunched car? And, it was parked!

Lesson #7: Screeching Tires and Billowing Smoke are Real Attention Getters

This showoff probably thought that by burning out in a mostly deserted strip mall parking lot, he was safe. Wrong. Sometimes karma arrives in just the amount of time it takes a cop to flip on his siren.

Lesson #8: Vipers Can Bite Their Owners

First of all, the guy who made this video should have had both hands on his steering wheel. However, he was lucky enough to come through unscathed. The guy in the Dodge Viper that he was videoing wasn’t quite so lucky. One lesson for all drivers here is that traffic often backs up at off ramps.

Chris Turberville-Tully works with HR Owen, a luxury sports car dealership in England. HR Owen sells Maserati, Aston Martin, Bentley, BMW and Audi cars.

Guest Expressed: “5 Ridiculous Washing Machine Fails”

Today Alex Bell visits us to tell some harrowing tales of washing machine fails. Enter Alex:

Those that own a washing machine, as most of us do, will more than likely have come across difficulties at some point. This may be an overflowing number of suds, a phone accidently locked inside or a washing machine which seems to operate with a mind of its own.

Of course, not all mistakes are as common and for some people the shortcomings of their washing machines are nothing short of epic fails. Here are five examples:

1. Bricking It

Ever imagined what it would be like to watch a washing machine self-destruct? It appears some wish to find the answer to this more than others. One individual decided to wash not clothes, but a brick! The end result being a washing machine set to self-destruct mode. Such a demonstration showcased the device to hold a mind of its own, passersby claimed the washing machine moved several feet prior to taking off.

2. Washing Machine Fail – Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum

Showcased in BBC Three’s documentary ‘Young, Dumb and Living off Mum’, the show followed a series of teenagers as they tried to conquer life’s daily tasks in a bid to fend for themselves. As a new task arose, the teenagers were showcased placing not only clothes in the washing machine but placemats. They then went on to put washing up liquid as opposed to washing powder in the drum of the machine. The entire episode of course ended in chaos; both the participants and the kitchen were completely covered in suds.

3. Junior Wash

Another epic fail to take in to consideration is the moment a foolish couple decided to teach their son a lesson by putting him inside a washing machine. Not only was this incredibly irresponsible but it was also highly dangerous. Despite the fact a sign on the wall of the laundrette read ‘junior wash’; we can’t imagine it was meant to be taken quite so literally – although perhaps the parents would disagree!

4. Soggy Moggy

A women’s cat most definitely used up one of its nine after being subjected to a 1 hour and 45 minute cycle. The tabby that lived to tell the tale went through quite an ordeal and was only spotted when her owner heard unusual noises coming from inside the glass-fronted machine. Once the scared animal was retrieved, the owner claimed she had in fact shrunk to half her size. The feline was immediately rushed to the local vets where she was treated for shock. She is now said to be making a full recovery.

5. Overflowing

Overflowing suds may look funny on the TV; this isn’t however quite the case when it happens to you. One woman found out the hard way when she accidently used regular laundry detergent as appose to HE detergent in her brand new high efficiency washer. The end result, a kitchen full of unwanted suds! The only upside to this is the fact her kitchen floor will remain spotless for the foreseeable future.

This is a guest post by Alex Bell who thoroughly enjoys making fun of household appliances when not blogging. He spends the rest of his free time trawling through Youtube for funny videos.