I know. Cats again. I’ve been a bit lazyish with the blog lately, so I’m using the kittens as post fodder. Bad Daniel. This must stop. It will stop. Soon.
…until it does – did you know that cats communicate through a series of eerie noises? People on Youtube insist on calling these scary sounds “chirping”, but don’t let that fool you – this is how cats keep their worldwide spy communications encrypted.
It’s not long before they rise up and take what’s rightfully theirs, enslaving humans and making us all prance around like horses for their enjoyment. Oh wait, some of us already do that.
But for now we can still make fun of their chirping sounds. Watch this video of Django and Pebbles hunting flies and tell me they don’t sound like aliens from Mars Attacks!
Are any of you wondering why this post was called “The Fall”? Did you somehow miss Django’s epic fail in the above video? Allow me to help:
Mankind wasn’t born to fly. We were born to do many other things, such as walk, eat, watch poor quality reality TV and make other bad life choices.
We were also born to run. Running originally helped us escape dangerous predators and was the fastest means of locomotion available. At some point we decided that running in place without actually propelling ourselves forward sounded like a much better idea (refer to “bad life choices” above).
So we invented the treadmill. Soon we mastered the art of running on the treadmill and a split second afterwards the art of falling flat on our faces while using the treadmill.
This post is the second in a series of visual guides designed to help you fail in a manner of your choosing. Just like with “7 ways to walk into glass“, my aim with this guide is not to help you avoid failing hilariously while other gym goers point and laugh. I am merely here to give guidance on how you can make the fail your own.
If you’re going to fall down and injure yourself, at the very least you can do so in a way that underlines your character and plays to your strengths. Pick your favourites from the below and learn how to execute these tricky treadmill fails. Enjoy:
7. The Copycat
When someone does something impressive, something that you have no chance of ever doing better than them, what is left for you to do? Well, if you’re the altruistic kind, you can make their achievement seem that much more awesome by failing spectacularly at the same exact thing. Make sure you follow directly in their footsteps, so that your epic fail is immediately comparable to their stellar performance. They will love you for it.
6. The Circus Act
If you’re planning on entertaining your friends by smashing your face into a running treadmill, you can’t afford not to use a prop. Be creative. Stilts are perfect. In the absence of stilts a bike will do nicely. However, you must make sure the bike doesn’t present an obstacle for your face-plant. You don’t want props interfering with the act, you want them to enhance it.
5. The Dancer
Whoever said “music helps your treadmill workout” clearly didn’t take that point far enough. Everything is better with music. So it’s only natural that the musically gifted among you will want to incorporate a dance into your fail routine. With this one you can really put your ass into it. Literally. Make the treadmill a part of the experience. Take the concept of “breakdance” to a new level!
4. The Fitness Guru
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Occasionally, however, two rights make one horrible wrong. It’s just like the age old-wisdom claims:
“One piece of exercise equipment is good. Two pieces of exercise equipment are better. Two pieces of exercise equipment used simultaneously may result in severe head trauma”
3. The Gitness Furu
Who said there’s only one way to combine a treadmill and an exercise ball? Shame on them! Here’s how you use these same two props creatively.
2. The Impatient
Not all of us have the time to plan the perfect fail. Some of us have busy schedules and can’t go around acquiring props or learning complex dance routines to make our fails great. And that’s perfectly OK. If you’re a man or woman of action – just go straight for the fail. By the time others are only just making their way to the treadmill your face will already be intimately acquainted with it!
1. The Vengeful Hulk
It’s completely understandable that, after years of witnessing treadmills embarrass humans, there’ll be one man who will stands up to this injustice. If that man is you – pay attention. This is how you systematically and utterly disassemble a treadmill, conclusively proving that you’re not to be messed with.
All of the above fails have a common thread: they all involve humans and each and every one of them gives up right after the fail. Strangely, all it takes for us weaklings to say “I quit!” is having our faces smashed into the floor at high velocities. And here we have a dog who, after failing hilariously, not only dusts himself off and goes right back to the treadmill, but does so while barking triumphantly. If this doesn’t convince you that the dogs are our superiors, then their inevitable takeover of the planet in 2018 surely will! Woof woof!