Those of you with a Facebook account surely have at least one friend who constantly bombards you with idiotic app and game invitations. Today they give you a gift horse from Farmville, tomorrow they want to add you to their iCannotRememberBirthdays calendar app, next week they’re challenging you to a Pirates vs. Ninjas duel. By now you have probably done one of the following:
- Removed your friend from your Facebook account (and your life)
- Blocked every application on Facebook
- Joined the fun and are currently a level 47 Ninja Assassin
- Sent a Ninja Assassin to your friend’s house
But I’m not here to talk about your obnoxious ex-friend. Good riddance! I’m here to talk about the pervasiveness of these “X vs. Y” games on Facebook – Pirates vs. Ninjas, Vampires vs. Werewolves and countless more. I’m not complaining about them. It’s quite natural to have a competitive “face off” game format to keep people interested. However, what surprises me is that despite this sea of “versus” games nobody has taken them to the next level. Why stop at boring old pirates and predictable ninjas? Is “predictable ninja” an oxymoron? But I digress… What we need is the next generation of competitive games. Being the altruist that I am I hereby provide four ideas to get the ball rolling, entirely free of charge. Game makers of the world – take notice!
4. Teletubbies vs. Batman
Sure, at first glance this may look like an extremely easy victory for Batman, but let’s be completely clear – it totally is! This is less a game and more an evolved version of a stress ball. It’s the ultimate anger management tool. The premise is a bit complicated, so bear with me: You are Batman. Your job is to chase down Teletubbies and beat the living crap out of them. The end. You have access to all of Batman’s gadgets and you get extra points for creativity. Punch a Teletubby? 1 point. Hit a Teletubby with a Batarang so that he stumbles backwards, trips over a carefully placed BatBoobyTrap and explodes? 50 points. Tie a Teletubby to the Batclaw, attach it to the Batwing, launch the Teletubby to space and then shoot him with a rocket launcher? Jesus, you’re a fucking maniac! Also, 500 points. The game should have a broad appeal, as it’s geared towards both people who hate Teletubbies and people who want to be Batman. Each of the groups makes up roughly 100% of the world’s population, according to my latest estimates. This makes the game fun for 200% of people, which, we can all agree, is a decent amount. What?! No! Of course you can’t play as Teletubbies! What the hell is wrong with you?! Attempting to do so automatically deletes your Facebook account and makes your parents disown you.
3. Tetris vs. Charlie Sheen
OK, I’m cheating a bit here. It’s really just Tetris, except you play as Charlie Sheen who, in turn, is playing Tetris. You can pick from a number of Charlie Sheen characters, from Tiger Blood all the way to Bitchin’ Rock Star from Mars. The game provides rich narration of events, including classics like “Winning!” and “These Z-blocks are just droopy-eyed armless children”. The voice-over is done by Charlie Sheen himself, so you know the game will be a huge hit. I’m currently in the middle of negotiating the deal with Charlie Sheen. The first time I contacted him with a proposal he told me he’d squash my head between his thumb and index finger to squeeze the ancient Mayan spirit out of my alien body. Last time he just told me to fuck off, so I think he’s warming up to the idea.
2. Godzilla vs. God
You’re probably thinking I only came up with this entry because “Godzilla” contains the word “God”. Correct! This game can be set up in a classic fighting game format, a la Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter (but not Tekken, because that would be weird). God and Godzilla have different abilities and “special moves”. Godzilla can smash buildings and roar really loudly. God can bring about Armageddon and end all life as we know it. Should be a pretty balanced fight, I’d say. Not only is it a very fun game to play, but it opens up for an intellectual “creationism” versus “evolution” debate. God: “Wait a second, I never created this monstrosity!” Godzilla: “Evolution, bitch!” Would probably have to clean up the dialogue a bit if this game is released for kids.
1. NATO vs. Atomic Bomberman
In 1997 a wonderful game called Atomic Bomberman was released. Up to 10 players were pitted against each other. They ran around a maze placing bombs at strategic spots to blow up the opposition. The world itself was a much simpler place back then. Any country could have as many nuclear bombs as it wanted and used them to blow up other countries in a giant maze. I think. I’m not a history major. All of that has changed now. Nowadays anyone attempting to make themselves a teeny tiny nuclear bomb is suddenly the bad guy. I know, crazy, right?! This game can serve as an insightful commentary on the current social and political climate. You play as either NATO or Atomic Bomberman. The bomberman still runs around placing bombs in mazes, trying to blow things up. NATO, on the other hand, has a wide arsenal of weapons like “sanctions” and “harsh words” to try and stop the bomberman. Multiple bombermen and NATO members can play simultaneously, making this entry the perfect family game! Nothing like a good old fashioned nuclear apocalypse to get that family time going, don’t you think? __________________ Do you have some great ideas for games? Do you play games on Facebook? Are you the annoying Facebook friend? Have you been blocked recently? How does it make you feel?