games

“Garfield vs. Dexter”? 4 game ideas

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Those of you with a Facebook account surely have at least one friend who constantly bombards you with idiotic app and game invitations. Today they give you a gift horse from Farmville, tomorrow they want to add you to their iCannotRememberBirthdays calendar app, next week they’re challenging you to a Pirates vs. Ninjas duel. By now you have probably done one of the following:

  • Removed your friend from your Facebook account (and your life)
  • Blocked every application on Facebook
  • Joined the fun and are currently a level 47 Ninja Assassin
  • Sent a Ninja Assassin to your friend’s house

Ninja Assassin – for all your friendship needs!

But I’m not here to talk about your obnoxious ex-friend. Good riddance! I’m here to talk about the pervasiveness of these “X vs. Y” games on Facebook – Pirates vs. Ninjas, Vampires vs. Werewolves and countless more. I’m not complaining about them. It’s quite natural to have a competitive “face off” game format to keep people interested. However, what surprises me is that despite this sea of “versus” games nobody has taken them to the next level. Why stop at boring old pirates and predictable ninjas? Is “predictable ninja” an oxymoron? But I digress… What we need is the next generation of competitive games. Being the altruist that I am I hereby provide four ideas to get the ball rolling, entirely free of charge. Game makers of the world – take notice!

4. Teletubbies vs. Batman

Sure, at first glance this may look like an extremely easy victory for Batman, but let’s be completely clear – it totally is! This is less a game and more an evolved version of a stress ball. It’s the ultimate anger management tool. The premise is a bit complicated, so bear with me: You are Batman. Your job is to chase down Teletubbies and beat the living crap out of them. The end. You have access to all of Batman’s gadgets and you get extra points for creativity. Punch a Teletubby? 1 point. Hit a Teletubby with a Batarang so that he stumbles backwards, trips over a carefully placed BatBoobyTrap and explodes? 50 points. Tie a Teletubby to the Batclaw, attach it to the Batwing, launch the Teletubby to space and then shoot him with a rocket launcher? Jesus, you’re a fucking maniac! Also, 500 points. The game should have a broad appeal, as it’s geared towards  both people who hate Teletubbies and people who want to be Batman. Each of the groups makes up roughly 100% of the world’s population, according to my latest estimates. This makes the game fun for 200% of people, which, we can all agree, is a decent amount. What?! No! Of course you can’t play as Teletubbies! What the hell is wrong with you?! Attempting to do so automatically deletes your Facebook account and makes your parents disown you.

3. Tetris vs. Charlie Sheen

OK, I’m cheating a bit here. It’s really just Tetris, except you play as Charlie Sheen who, in turn, is playing Tetris. You can pick from a number of Charlie Sheen characters, from Tiger Blood all the way to Bitchin’ Rock Star from Mars. The game provides rich narration of events, including classics like “Winning!” and “These Z-blocks are just droopy-eyed armless children”. The voice-over is done by Charlie Sheen himself, so you know the game will be a huge hit. I’m currently in the middle of negotiating the deal with Charlie Sheen. The first time I contacted him with a proposal he told me he’d squash my head between his thumb and index finger to squeeze the ancient Mayan spirit out of my alien body. Last time he just told me to fuck off, so I think he’s warming up to the idea.

2. Godzilla vs. God

You’re probably thinking I only came up with this entry because “Godzilla” contains the word “God”. Correct! This game can be set up in a classic fighting game format, a la Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter (but not Tekken, because that would be weird). God and Godzilla have different abilities and “special moves”. Godzilla can smash buildings and roar really loudly. God can bring about Armageddon and end all life as we know it. Should be a pretty balanced fight, I’d say. Not only is it a very fun game to play, but it opens up for an intellectual “creationism” versus “evolution” debate. God: “Wait a second, I never created this monstrosity!” Godzilla: “Evolution, bitch!” Would probably have to clean up the dialogue a bit if this game is released for kids.

1. NATO vs. Atomic Bomberman

In 1997 a wonderful game called Atomic Bomberman was released. Up to 10 players were pitted against each other. They ran around a maze placing bombs at strategic spots to blow up the opposition. The world itself was a much simpler place back then. Any country could have as many nuclear bombs as it wanted and used them to blow up other countries in a giant maze. I think. I’m not a history major. All of that has changed now. Nowadays anyone attempting to make themselves a teeny tiny nuclear bomb is suddenly the bad guy. I know, crazy, right?! This game can serve as an insightful commentary on the current social and political climate. You play as either NATO or Atomic Bomberman. The bomberman still runs around placing bombs in mazes, trying to blow things up. NATO, on the other hand, has a wide arsenal of weapons like “sanctions” and “harsh words” to try and stop the bomberman. Multiple bombermen and NATO members can play simultaneously, making this entry the perfect family game! Nothing like a good old fashioned nuclear apocalypse to get that family time going, don’t you think? __________________ Do you have some great ideas for games? Do you play games on Facebook? Are you the annoying Facebook friend? Have you been blocked recently? How does it make you feel?

3 reasons I’m getting a new laptop

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Today, after many months of deliberation, I have finally ordered a new laptop. Being a gadget freak this is like a mini-Christmas for me. Except for it’s September and Santa Claus is not in any way involved in this transaction.

Below I’ll give you three reasons why I made this decision. Speaking of reasons: I have zero reasons to structure this post in list format, but lack of good reasons rarely stopped me before. So here goes:

3) Blue Screen Of Death

The “Blue Screen Of Death” is surely known to most of you by its far more catchy acronym – BSoD. It’s a standard feature that comes equipped with all Windows-based PCs. At random intervals, for reasons incomprehensible to anyone who isn’t Bill Gates, your computer will shut down and display some lines of white text against a blue background. This text will sound informative at first, but soon you’ll realise that it’s just computer-speak for “I broke, so fuck you!”

While in the past I was exposed to the infamous BSoD on a pretty infrequent basis, lately my laptop decided that looking at BSoD should be my new hobby. It doesn’t matter whether I’m doing something fun (playing Advanced Minesweeper: Pacman Snake Edition, reading comedy articles, watching porn) or useful (researching new porn sites), my laptop will usually decide that BSoD is far more worthy of my time. As much as I enjoy decrypting coded messages from my laptop, I think it’s time to move on.

2) Cooling fan noises

Another fun recent development is that my laptop’s cooling fan now acts as a coffee grinder. Well, it doesn’t actually grind any coffee, but it sure does a pretty neat coffee grinder impression. Every time it tries to speed up it sounds like helicopter blades slicing through a throng of advancing zombies.

I’ve tried taking the laptop apart and cleaning the cooling fan. Now it sounds like helicopter blades slicing through a throng of advancing zombies made of gravel. Since the cooling fan isn’t quite doing its job the laptop overheats way too fast and skips straight to BSoD mode.

I’ve had this laptop for over four years so any warranty and insurance on it have run out by now. Oh yeah, and the company that made my laptop has gone bankrupt around two years ago. It can’t possibly pay to start replacing components and making my laptop zombie-friendly again.

“Hi, Zombies! I am one of you! I come in peace!”

1) Underpowered gaming experience

I don’t play computer games as much as I used to, but I do play them every now and then. One thing you should know about most modern games is that they require more processing power than NASA’s space shuttle launches. That’s what it takes to realistically render hundreds of enemies succumbing to an onslaught of bullets from your guns.

This means that if I want to play a new game on my current laptop I have to turn the graphics settings all the way down, making my enemies resemble indistinguishable square blocks instead of infected Nazi robot soldiers that they truly are. What, you haven’t heard of that game – Infected Nazi Robot Zombies: The Shooting Of?! Is it all in my head? Damn, somebody should make that game, like, now!

Anyways, what I’m saying is if I wanted to shoot indistinguishable blocks at other blocks then I’d still be playing Tetris.

My new laptop should be arriving by the end of the week. Are you excited? You should be, I’ll be able to type out these blog posts on a brand new 17 inch screen. We’ll be communicating in HD and all that jazz!

Have you recently purchased a new gadget? A new electronic appliance? A new coaster? What do you think of infected Nazi robots and their impact on the zombie community?