Fuck off with your selective nostalgia

July 5, 2015Daniel Nest 6 Comments

So gay marriage is legal in the US now. Yay, right?

All people who love each other can finally get married, whatever their sexual orientation. Time to celebr…oh:

Right, I forgot. Gay marriage will ruin traditional marriage. Of course. We all know that “marriage” is a finite resource, and now that gays will start using it up, there’ll soon be nothing left for everyone else.

“But if anyone can get married, my straight marriage will no longer mean what it used to mean!”

Wait…did you get married to show your love and loyalty to your partner or to win some kind of “traditional marriage” bingo? Your marriage is just as strong or just as weak as it was yesterday. If your marriage is easily ruined by gay people getting married, maybe they’re not the problem. Being straight is not an achievement. You don’t get to wear that fact as a badge of honor.

“But gay marriage is not how we’re used to doing things!”

I see. Because if we have learned anything from centuries of human progress, it’s that our society always stays exactly the same and never, ever changes. Which is why you’re currently reading this inside your cave by the decomposing carcass of a mammoth your tribe has stoned to death an hour ago.

My point is this: If your only argument against something boils down to “I’m not used to this concept, and change scares me,” I’m sorry, but you don’t really have a strong case.

And then I opened my Facebook earlier today to see this:

Granted, the poster originally published the photo in early April, so his intention was not to comment on the Supreme Court ruling. But here are some recent comments on that post:

See? Gay people didn’t just want equal marriage rights. There’s been a secret gay agenda all along, which involved sneakily replacing all crosses with rainbows and repainting history with skittles. Or something. I don’t know, I didn’t get the memo.

While the above examples are some of the more extreme, the general consensus in the comments is that 1956 was a much better time for all of us, but then the liberals came and fucked everything up with their political correctness and “progressive” thinking. There’s mass nostalgia for an innocent time long gone.

That’s interesting. Wanna see another photo from 1956? Because here’s one:

A privileged group of people passionately protesting a ruling that gives minorities equal rights? I wonder what that reminds me of….

Ah, the good old days, when one could freely write “We don’t like negroes” and threaten to burn them without the fear of being persecuted by those politically correct liberals. In January that same year, Martin Luther King, Jr’s home was bombed, but at least we could display crosses on buildings for Easter.

If you went back to 1956, you’d likely die 10 years earlier than you would now (average US life expectancy, 1955: 69.6 years, 2015: 79.12 years), but you wouldn’t have to worry about there being any gay rainbows at your premature funeral.

If you’re going to reminisce about the past, it’s only fair to remember the awful stuff along with the good stuff. Otherwise, you’re doing a disservice to your own argument while also shitting on all human progress that’s happened since. Women getting the right to vote is part of that progress. Different races being seen as equals is part of that progress. Gay couples getting the right to marry each other is part of that progress. You can accept that and rejoice over the fact that we’re all gradually becoming more tolerant and accepting of one another.

Or you could be one of these people:

The choice is yours.

WTF Report: “Judge is my God”

May 11, 2015Daniel Nest 9 Comments

Yeah. So this happened, apparently.

A Nebraskan woman named Sylvia Driskell has just filed a lawsuit that will go down in history. Or not.

Driskell is suing gay people for being gay. Not a specific gay couple, mind you. Gay people. Like, all of them.

I once talked about my take on Russia’s gay laws in this post.

But Driskell is aiming higher! She wants the court to clearly rule that homosexuality is, in fact, a sin. I do believe it was the eleventh commandment that unequivocally stated, “Thou shalt not gay!” Now it’s just a minor matter of getting a quick official ruling.

This is delightfully ambitious, for a number of reasons:

1. Driskell is single-handedly taking on a sizable chunk of the world’s population.
2. She believes to be the ambassador for God himself and also for Jesus Christ, because at that point—why not?
3. She’s convinced that the US District Court of Omaha is equipped to make a definitive judgement on God’s behalf.
4. Her filing consists of seven pages of handwritten text. Seven. Pages. Of handwritten text.

Who uses handwritten anything in 2015?! How many people still know how to write by hand? How many have the sheer willpower to go through that much handwriting? The last time I tried a handwritten assignment, I passed out from exhaustion midway through the second paragraph and eventually slipped into a coma that I’m not entirely sure I have even returned from. Say what you want, but that’s goddamn impressive!

Now, I’m pretty sure that nothing will come out of this. First, there’s a clear separation of church and state in America. Second, being gay is not a criminal offense. Third, the whole lawsuit is more batshit insane than a stranger on the bus pelting other passengers with tiny Pokemon figurines made out of ferret hair. OK, no, that ferret hair thing is crazier. Still, Driskell, don’t expect anyone to take your nutbaggy letter seriously. You’re no celestial ambassador. You don’t even have the special cape!

On the other hand, I would love to see an official response from a real judge. In handwriting. That’d be fantastic.

Granted, there’s a good chance this letter is a prank and there is no Sylvia Driskell in the first place. But guess what? The joke’s on you, anonymous prankster. You’re the one who had to sit through the ordeal of writing seven pages of text by hand.

Enjoy your coma.

Russia’s Anti-Gay Laws: 5 reasons they’re necessary

August 1, 2013Daniel Nest 44 Comments

Top news of the day: I have returned to Denmark, but will be leaving again in a week to partake in the minor event called my-freaking-wedding-holy-schlimazel-I’m-going-to-be-married-soon-how-crazy-is-that.

In other, less momentous news, everyone is wondering whether Russia’s anti-gay bill will affect the upcoming Olympics in Sochi. The simple and unambiguous answer to that, of course, is that it most definitely will, but absolutely, categorically will not.

While many people oppose Russia’s bill, I am here to talk about its merit and discuss the many reasons it’s a very necessary measure.

Don’t worry, I won’t be repeating the obvious. Everyone knows that when our kids see two gay men kissing or holding hands in public they automatically start worshipping the Devil and stabbing stuffed animals in the eye with ice picks. That’s just common sense. Plus all that hand-holding is, like, really icky and stuff.

What I’ll be presenting are the less-known facts that expose gay people for what we’ve always suspected them to be: well-adjusted, contributing members of society who, apart from their sexual preference, are exactly the same as the rest of us. I know, it’s sickening!

Here are the reasons why we should uphold anti-gay laws.

5. Gays make straight parents look bad

Did you know that some studies point to gay couples making the best parents? Or show that children who have gay parents are apparently happier?

While some of you may be tempted to applaud these findings and even use them to argue that gay parents are better for our society, let me stop you right there.

How do you think it makes straight parents look? That’s right: it makes them look like incompetent fools. If our children can’t look up to their straight parents, who will they look up to? That’s right: fictional heroes like John McClane, Rambo and Forrest Gump. Next thing you know our children are eating chocolate and walking on broken glass. We can’t have that!

Dark Chocolate – the Black Death of our generation

4. Gay marriages put lawyers out of work

A recent study looked at legalisation of gay marriage and its correlation to divorce rates. What it found was shocking, horrifying and, for lack of a better word, horrifying (for the second time): those states that allow gay marriage have, on average, lower divorce rates.

I don’t think anybody needs me to explain what this means, but I will do so anyway. It means that divorce lawyers will become unemployed as soon as gay marriage is legalised. Lawyers have long been an underprivileged and oppressed class in our society. Now, gay marriage is threatening to drive them out of work and into depression.

Save the world’s lawyers! Don’t be a monster!

Look at the poor bastard, forced to wear hideous rags!

3. Gay men are stealing our women

Did you know that, according to this study, women are more likely to trust relationship advice given by gay men? In fact, they are more likely to trust a gay male friend than a straight female friend.

I want you to think long and hard about what the implications of this are, then I will tell you what they are, because you’re bound to arrive at the wrong conclusion.

If gay men are allowed to run around and build meaningful relationships with our women, our women will have less time for us. Also, gay man are in a perfect position to get into our women’s heads and turn them against us. Women trust them unconditionally! Next time your girlfriend or wife talks to a gay friend of hers, what’s stopping him from saying: “Forget about Daniel (your name is Daniel too, right?)! You should be with me instead”?

Nothing!

What’s that? Why would gay men be interested in stealing our straight girlfriends? I have the perfect answer for you:

Shut up when I’m making a point that makes sense in my head, that’s why! Smart ass!

Asses do have surprisingly high IQ

2. Gays have had their time, now it’s our turn

I bet you thought that gay people are the product of our twisted modern society, but, it turns out, they’ve been around for a long, long time. They’ve been spotted in ancient Rome, ancient Greece, ancient Mesopotamia and countless other places. I haven’t been to any of those! When was the last time you went to ancient Rome or ancient Mesopotamia? Thought so!

When is it our turn?

The answer is: now!

Gays have been stealing our thunder for as long as Zeus, the God of Thunder, was splitting trees asunder with his lightning bolts. Finally, in the 21st century, straight people get to be noticed.

I refuse to remain silent. I will shout it from the rooftops:

We are here! We are straight! We are…not as good at rhyming!

Believe it or not, all of these words rhyme!

1. Gay people make all of us gay

There’s no mild way to put it, so I’ll just say it: it’s been proven that countries with less anti-gay discrimination are happier than others. Take the case of a disgusting little place called Denmark. Danes are consistently rated as the happiest nation and they are one of the most liberal folk when it comes to gay rights. Awful!

You’re not following, are you? Do I need to spell it out? Fine:

Gay tolerance make countries happy. Do you know what another word for “happy” is? Gay! Another word for “happy” is “gay”.

So, scientific studies show that, in a very real, measurable way, gay people are making every single one of us gay too! It’s contagious! It’s just like the zombie apocalypse, but slightly more fabulous.