7 ways to walk into glass

Throughout history mankind has faced three primary hazards: starvation, dehydration and walking into solid objects. The two former dangers have been rendered less acute over the years as we gradually found new ways to procure food and water.

Alas, the last danger remains as pressing today as it has ever been. In fact, the invention of glass and its subsequent use in construction have elevated this threat to unprecedented levels. Glass has a well-documented tendency towards being transparent and therefore somewhat difficult to see. Consequently, people oftentimes do not notice this hidden peril until it’s far, far too late.

As someone who has been personally affected by this menace I feel I can speak with some authority on the subject. Today I will offer you a humble instructional guide to walking into glass, with videos. Make no mistake, this guide is not meant to help you avoid the impact. There are no reliable ways to prevent glass collisions. No, this guide is here to show you how to deal with the inevitable. When you eventually walk into glass, you can at least do this on your own terms. Here’s how:

7. The Socially Conscious

Notice the full circle the woman makes after impact? That’s the key – you want to do a complete survey of the area to assess how many people may have seen your run in with glass. Bonus points if you can make the “survey circle” look like it’s a part of your regular routine. “Who? Me? No no, I always do a little waltz before I exit any building. Thanks for asking, though!”

6. The Quit’n’Go

I want you to know this: it is perfectly OK to concede defeat. You can’t always win. Most of the time you can carry on with your day after glass-incidents, but there will be days where you have neither the energy nor the will to do so. In those cases it’s more than acceptable to say: “You win this round, door! I didn’t really want to go shopping in the first place. Until next time!”

5. The Nonchalant

This one is supremely difficult to pull off, but is also the most satisfying. It requires quick thinking, high pain tolerance and good acting skills. The key to it is shrugging the collision off in the first 1-2 seconds, otherwise it just doesn’t work.

Step one: Collide with glass

Step two: Recover from impact within maximum 2 seconds

Step three: Pretend that nothing at all has happened

Step four: Continue with exactly what you were doing before impact

4. The Helpful

You can’t do much to save yourself, but you can certainly help others avoid the same fate. You will need a substance that is visible and can cover a large area. Coffee works great for this purpose, but milkshakes, smoothies and other colourful liquids will do the trick. It is important to hold the liquid out in front of you. You want to make sure it covers the glass instead of your clothes. That would be embarrassing, wouldn’t it?

3. The Nonconformist

You’re a rebel. You don’t play by society’s rules! How do you make sure to communicate this? Well, encounters with glass can help you do that. First you need to establish the path of least resistance. In the above case this is represented by a wide-open door in your direct line of sight. Once you have located this path you want to make a deliberate and obvious effort to avoid using it. Sure, you will end up smashing some windows, but at least you won’t be taking the easy way out like the rest of those sheeple.

2. The Stooge

Let’s face it: everyone loves a jester! Why not turn your misery into entertainment and make others laugh? Get a running start at the glass door. Make noises. Make people aware of your intentions so they start paying attention to you. Once you hit the glass you may want to fall backwards comically. Of course, being naked helps. Being naked always helps in these situations!

1. The Bipolar

This one should only be attempted by professionals and seasoned glass shatterers, as it is almost impossible to execute convincingly. You should spend at least half a minute establishing your shy personality. Act helpless and look around awkwardly. Make a show out of rummaging through your papers. You have to make people believe you’re a quiet and reserved person.

Once your shy persona is established, it’s time to CHAAAAAARGE! No warning. No middle ground. No asking people how doors work or trying to examine the door closer. No. You need to transition from shy to The Hulk in a split second. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde got nothing on you!

If performed successfully it will leave everyone asking the same question: “What the hell has just happened?!”. Also, that stupid glass door will have learned its lesson once and for all!

Those who live in glass houses?

My last walk down memory lane was a harrowing tale of how I survived living with a crazy guy. This time around I bring for your reading pleasure an episode that will let you finally laugh at me (for those who have been doing that all along…well, carry on, I guess).

Many of you will be utterly shocked to hear this, but I used to be a student once. I went to a Copenhagen business school called …Copenhagen Business School (BAM!). It was actually a university, but if I said that in my last line it wouldn’t have been as effective. Also, having to explain my lines is probably not a sign of their effectiveness…

The year was 2004 and it was the first semester of my Master’s degree. During the intro week CBS was throwing a huge party for all the new students, because nothing creates a healthy study environment like getting shitfaced together. The venue for the occasion was a bar called Nexus. That may sound pretty awesome, until you hear that the bar is located inside the university’s main building. On second thought, that probably makes it double as awesome? I dunno, I’m not sure what the kids consider cool these days.

YoYos are still cool, right?

We were quite a few people, since students from other lines were also invited, so the bar on its own was insufficient to house all of us. This problem was solved by placing tables and chairs outside of the bar, yet within the main building. Everyone knows that sitting on a chair outside a bar is almost exactly like being inside of it!

Nexus is separated from the inside of the building by a set of huge glass walls. This sort of allows everyone (those on the outside as well as inside) to still feel like they’re at the same party. Just like fish tanks allow fish to hang with humans.

I’d spent the first hour of the evening inside Nexus meeting new classmates-to-be. At some point I needed a toilet break and so headed out into the main building. I have a tendency to walk very fast, as if I’m in a hurry or on a mission, regardless of where I’m heading. Must be a remnant of that one time I had a bomb strapped to me, set to explode if I walked slower than 50km/hour. Or maybe that was a movie.

Pretty sure it was a documentary on BBC

So, I proceeded at my usual quick pace towards the crowd of mingling students outside the bar, making eye contact with some of the girls and exchanging smiles (cause I’m suave and cause making eye-contact is much easier than actually talking to them). I was feeling completely in my element…

…right up until the point where my upbeat march was brought to an abrupt end by a full-speed frontal collision with Nexus’ glass wall. The glass shook and my nose and chin left visible smudges on its surface. The impact was so loud that most people had interrupted their conversations and hundreds of pairs of eyes stared at me for a what felt like an eternity, while I stood there rubbing my nose.

Icing on the cake (or salt on the wound, same thing) was when I’d introduced myself to a girl in my class a bit later in the evening. Trying to break the ice I’d started to tell her the story of my walking into the window (because making myself look stupid has always worked wonders for my dating life). She interrupted me mid-story and said, coolly: “Yeah…I saw”.

I guess it wasn’t only the glass I’d made an impression on…