Gold Wedding Rings

3 things I learned from wearing a wedding ring

So I’ve been married for two whole months now!

Hold your applause.

While it’s amazing that we have made it this far without issues, I did learn a thing or two about wearing rings.

Or three things, as the title states. Here they are:

1. Gold scratches way too easily

I’ve spent my whole life under the impression that gold was, you know, tough. I’m not sure how I arrived at that conclusion. I guess I figured that since gold was expensive it had to be strong.

But…there’s a reason Robocop wasn’t made of gold. Neither was Iron Man (hint: Iron Man was made of iron).

Our rings are made of white gold, because we’re such rebels. The first day after the wedding I woke up to discover my ring had a scratch on it. It was no longer smooth and polished. I was just about to run back to the jeweler and accuse her of all sorts of things, when my wife told me this was normal. Gold just scratches easily like that.

After the customary crying session, during which my wife comforted me and told me everything was going to be OK, I came to terms with this new fact.

As of today my ring has exactly 117 scratches (I’m not counting or anything) and looks like it was battling Wolverine. Granted, the most boring superhero fight of the century.

I no longer cry about it, because I’m a man, and men only cry about ring scratches once.

Crying Dude

You think this is tough? Just wait til you scratch an earring.

2. Ring fit is seasonal

We sized our rings in July. At that point my ring fit snugly and I had to put in some effort to take it off.

Now it’s October and the ring constantly wobbles around my finger. I feel like I can lose it to a mild breeze if I’m not careful. I am careful, of course, so I spend most of my waking hours huddled over the ring and chanting “I won’t let them take my preciousss!”

Turns out our fingers swell up when it’s summer, because hot air produces tiny bacteria that rush to our fingers to sunbathe. I don’t know how this works, I’m not a scientist. When it’s winter, our fingers shrink, because they’re scared of the dark.

This means that for a good chunk of the year you have to live with a ring that does hula-hoops around your finger. Who knew? Apart from everyone who isn’t me, that is.

Hula Hoop Clown Girl

For the sake of your sanity, never Google “hula hoop”.

3. I have mutant fingers

I always assumed I had a relatively normal body. I have legs, ears, elbows. I even have a belly button. So it came as a surprise when I discovered that my fingers are mutants.

My knuckles are way larger than the rest of my fingers. This isn’t too visible, but becomes abundantly clear when I try to put on a ring. The ring slides smoothly down to my knuckle, but then struggles to squeeze over it, like Hulk Hogan fighting his way into a set of child pyjamas.

Another downside of this is that my ring, while just about fitting over my knuckle, is too loose when it sits on the finger. It looks like Amazon may have a solution for  me.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in my life I am actually considering a product with the word “Snuggies” in it. I am so ashamed.

***

There Is MoreFor more mundane things I’ve turned into lists, see:

3 phases of a dream

Very the bestest bus in the countries!

4 Lessons I’ve Learnt From Having Kittens (For 3 Days)

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Guest Expressed: “13 Most Ridiculous Solid Gold Items”

Today Kristy Kravitsky visits us to discuss some over-the-top gold items being sold. Tacky? Hell yes! Enter Kristy:

When people think of gold, they think of luxury, wealth, dainty and beautiful jewelry, and other such trinkets. But there can be a bad side to gold, a really bad side. When items like iPads start to come out encrusted in solid gold casing, you know someone’s gone slightly overboard. Listed below are 13 of the most ridiculous solid gold items, and be warned, the amount of tackiness involved is pretty painful.

  1. Custom gold-plated iPad: Made in England and costing a casual $24,000, this iPad comes complete with a sparkling diamond Apple symbol- as if the gold plating wasn’t lavish enough. Apparently surfing the web in gold and diamonds is what the cool kids are doing these days.
  2. Solid gold brick phone: “Hello? What’s that? I can’t hear you; I’m on my solid gold phone.” Sound absurd? Well it looks about the same. Plus, you can basically forget about getting a signal on one of these puppies; they’re about as useful as an old rotary phone.
  3. iPhone Diamond and Gold Edition: Okay, so iPhones are typically the phone to have. You may reconsider when you hear about this horrid version. This style features a solid gold band circling around the outside edge of the phone. But wait, it gets better. Encrusted inside the gold are diamonds. Barf city, right?
  4. iPhone 24k Gold Edition: If the whole gold and diamonds thing isn’t your style, maybe the 24k gold edition is. This version not only makes you stand out among the crowd, but allows you to blind oncoming traffic while driving. Multi-purpose!
  5. Gold Xbox: For all you gamers out there who prefer to play Mario Cart with a touch of class (or tackiness, depending on who you ask), this Xbox was made for you. The system also comes with a gold controller.
  6. Golden Wii: We expected Xbox to make a ridiculous gold device, but we really thought more of you, Wii. Buying gold plated gaming systems isn’t something we’re all over.
  7. Gold Canon SLR: Okay, so the rest of these items were completely ludicrous, but this Canon camera actually isn’t that bad. Ridiculous, yes, but not ugly. With its gold accents, the camera’s overall appearance can actually summon up some nostalgia. The rest of the body is black, balancing out the gold in a way that’s tasteful. Any more gold though, and this little baby would make us gag.
  8. Gold iPod Shuffle: What’s with Apple products and gold? Steve Jobs is currently rolling around in his grave, cursing the metal. This Shuffle is ideal for a jog down Rodeo Drive, where you can catch a glimpse of other ridiculous people and their ridiculous and unnecessary items like boob jobs and butt implants.
  9. Gold Macbook: This Apple gold thing is becoming severely discouraging. For those who love Apple with a side of overwhelming gold accents, this Macbook is for you. Just be prepared to dish out some mega bucks for your tacky machine.
  10. Gold keyboard: A perfect accessory for any computer! Note the sarcasm. The solid gold keys are balanced out quite nicely by the surrounding black border. Again, note the sarcasm.
  11. Gold Wall Street Copy Machine: Because every office needs an all-gold all-purpose photocopier. Do the gold features enhance the photocopies of our butts? Oh come on, like you’ve never wanted to photocopy your butt before.
  12. Gold headphones: As if the gold isn’t obnoxious enough, these listening devices also have some sort of a bird/monster looking thing etched into them. Tacky + tacky does not equal anything good.
  13. Gold Kindle: Books are normally one thing that is accessible to everyone; they can be bought at bargain prices or borrowed for free at libraries. Not this book. Buy this reading device for the price of 1,000 regular hardback books. Now that’s a bargain!

So what have we learned from this list? There are countless ways to use your unhealthy amount of wealth to look ridiculous. Gold buying has never been so entertaining (and cringe-worthy) to us common folk.

Kristy Kravitsky’s sense of humor lives in Pennsylvania with the rest of her. They get along quite nicely most of the time.