So I’ve been married for two whole months now!
Hold your applause.
While it’s amazing that we have made it this far without issues, I did learn a thing or two about wearing rings.
Or three things, as the title states. Here they are:
1. Gold scratches way too easily
I’ve spent my whole life under the impression that gold was, you know, tough. I’m not sure how I arrived at that conclusion. I guess I figured that since gold was expensive it had to be strong.
But…there’s a reason Robocop wasn’t made of gold. Neither was Iron Man (hint: Iron Man was made of iron).
Our rings are made of white gold, because we’re such rebels. The first day after the wedding I woke up to discover my ring had a scratch on it. It was no longer smooth and polished. I was just about to run back to the jeweler and accuse her of all sorts of things, when my wife told me this was normal. Gold just scratches easily like that.
After the customary crying session, during which my wife comforted me and told me everything was going to be OK, I came to terms with this new fact.
As of today my ring has exactly 117 scratches (I’m not counting or anything) and looks like it was battling Wolverine. Granted, the most boring superhero fight of the century.
I no longer cry about it, because I’m a man, and men only cry about ring scratches once.
2. Ring fit is seasonal
We sized our rings in July. At that point my ring fit snugly and I had to put in some effort to take it off.
Now it’s October and the ring constantly wobbles around my finger. I feel like I can lose it to a mild breeze if I’m not careful. I am careful, of course, so I spend most of my waking hours huddled over the ring and chanting “I won’t let them take my preciousss!”
Turns out our fingers swell up when it’s summer, because hot air produces tiny bacteria that rush to our fingers to sunbathe. I don’t know how this works, I’m not a scientist. When it’s winter, our fingers shrink, because they’re scared of the dark.
This means that for a good chunk of the year you have to live with a ring that does hula-hoops around your finger. Who knew? Apart from everyone who isn’t me, that is.
3. I have mutant fingers
I always assumed I had a relatively normal body. I have legs, ears, elbows. I even have a belly button. So it came as a surprise when I discovered that my fingers are mutants.
My knuckles are way larger than the rest of my fingers. This isn’t too visible, but becomes abundantly clear when I try to put on a ring. The ring slides smoothly down to my knuckle, but then struggles to squeeze over it, like Hulk Hogan fighting his way into a set of child pyjamas.
Another downside of this is that my ring, while just about fitting over my knuckle, is too loose when it sits on the finger. It looks like Amazon may have a solution for me.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in my life I am actually considering a product with the word “Snuggies” in it. I am so ashamed.
For more mundane things I’ve turned into lists, see:
Very the bestest bus in the countries!