Obama Face

WTF Report: “Obama is…”

In my last post I used Google to paint an eerily “accurate” picture of Vladimir Putin.

The post was universally hailed by all four people that read it. Some called it “daring,” others said it was “groundbreaking.” Some others called it “you’re just typing random shit into Google and then turning it into a ‘post,’ you lazy hack,” which is entirely true and also shut up.

The post was surely all of those things. You can call me a lazy writer, a no-good doodle-slinger (whatever the hell that means), or even an “I don’t know who that guy is.” But I won’t let you call me a one-trick pony. No sir. Today I’ll prove once and for all that I can do more than search for Putin’s name and take screenshots. Today I’ll do the same with Obama. You may not even know this, but Obama is:

Obama is

Who wants:

Obama wants

Yet he won’t:

Obama won't

Because he does:

Obama does

And he has:

Obama has

So he needs:

Obama needs

To recap: Obama is an idiotic Muslim Antichrist. He wants to ban guns so that the US can at last go to war with Russia and install Obama as the king of the world for the third term. He won’t negotiate. He won’t wait for Congress, mainly because he doesn’t need Congress to avoid saluting a marine.

By having an affair that resulted in an illegitimate son Obama destroyed America. This is exactly why he needs to go and get himself impeached before he’s killed. But his most heinous crime to date is his stubborn refusal to deport Justin Bieber. Maybe that’s because they do drugs together?

Google Logo

Google & I

So I’ve been a bit MIA lately. I expect this to continue, too.

I am trying to step up my Cracked.com game, ever since my first article for them ran in May. So now I’ll be trying to get more articles published. Pitching and writing for Cracked is a time-consuming process, because of their tough editorial requirements.

This means I’ll probably cut down to about a post a week, possibly interspersed with a few “WTF reports” about stupid shit I find online.

Speaking of WTF – for reasons that I assure you have nothing to do with vanity or narcissism, I have looked myself up on Google. Using my real name, which is Daniel Gniazdo, as you may have learned previously.

The search results were innocent enough, but then I had the misfortune of clicking on Google Images.

Lo and behold, this:

Daniel Gniazdo Google

Hi there, I’m Daniel, I am a…good…communicator?

There goes my potential political career. And I was so close!

The good thing is that employers never use Google to check up on their employees, right? I should be safe.

Plus these things tend to disappear after a while. It’s not like everything we do online is forever or anything.

What’s that? It totally is forever? Thanks for nothing, Juan Enriquez!

On an unrelated note, I’ve made it even easier for all of you to get Nest Expressed goodness (or insert your own noun here) directly in your mailbox. You click here, fill out a one-item form…then good things happen to you.

What about you all? What does your Google search say about you? Can you beat me?

Blue Orange Search

Google, Go Home, You’re Drunk

A few short days ago I let Jeff from Content Unrelated play with my toys and write some word sequences on this very blog.

Today I have my revenge.

Today Jeff’s blog is blessed with some palmary word magic from yours truly.

Head on over and check out my guest post entitled “Google Go Home, You’re Drunk“.

Do stick around on Jeff’s blog though. He’s a funny man, so check out his posts. A few to get your started are “Sniff sniff sniff” and the “Horrorscopes” series.

My cartoon stalker

So a few months ago I started to notice an odd occurrence while browsing online. A certain banner ad was popping up on many websites I visited. It didn’t seem to have any relevance to the search terms I used. It didn’t depend on which website I visited in any obvious way, be it Facebook, Yahoo!, or MyLittleUnicornPet. It just happened to show up more frequently than most other banner ads. Here’s the banner I’m talking about:

Still have some dignity left? Cartoonify Yourself to solve the problem!

At first this wasn’t more than just a curious observation. However, this persisted for weeks and weeks and the banner started to appear more and more frequently. I’d never before seen a banner exist for this long on the Internet and pop up this many times on a daily basis. After some thinking I’d come up with the the only two possible answers to why this was happening to me:

  1. Google had somehow discovered my secret cartoon fetish and was now actively targeting me with clever banner advertising, in order to suck me into a mad cartoon pyramid scheme. But information about this weird fetish of mine was only available on my Facebook profile. And as everyone knows that stays private for good!
  2. Somebody with a lot of money had paid for thousands of these ads to pop up on my screen with the goal of eventually driving me insane. Once I was institutionalised they were planning to take over my Zombies vs. Aliens account and strip me of the single greatest achievement of my life.
Those were really the only logical explanations out there! Nevertheless, I tried to continue ignoring the banner. I wouldn’t give my enemies the satisfaction! Not when I was so close to getting to level 95 Zombie Ring Master. I’d managed just fine, until today, when I saw this:
You couldn’t Photoshop this if you tried!
Holy…shit! Not only was it extremely unnerving to see the same lady’s 6 pairs of eyes simultaneously, it also told me that both of my previous assumptions had been utterly wrong. It couldn’t have been Google or some rich stranger set to snatch my Zombie coins. Here’s why:
  1. Google knew that it’s entirely counter productive to display the same ad three times on the same page. Besides, they needed the revenue generated by other ads and where would they have displayed them if all the space was occupied by the creepy-eyed girl?
  2. Not even Bill Gates would want to waste the amount of money needed for this much ad space on a single page. Although Lord knows he wants that Zombie account!
So now I’m thinking…the odds of something like the above happening by pure chance are infinitely small. Kurt Cobain has better chances of leading a well adjusted life than those three banners have of appearing on the same exact page at once, and he’s been dead for years. Now that I’ve concluded that it’s not Google, or Bill Gates, or pure coincidence, I believe I finally have the answer…I have a cartoon woman stalking me!

She had seen me glance at her the very first time we met and since then she’d tried in vain to catch my attention again. The more I ignored her, the harder she tried. She wasn’t merely suggesting I should “cartoonify myself”, she was desperately imploring me to do it, so that I could join her in the little cartoon banner world. Today had been her last ditch effort to catch my attention and I’m sure if I don’t act right now I may never see her again. I must say I am tempted. It could be fun to live in a cartoon together. And I’d probably be a lot safer in a cartoon than in the real world with those crazy scheming millionaires. It’s not like anyone teleporting into a cartoon had ever been in any real danger of physical harm, right?

Oh, right…dammit!