Dog In Blue Wizard Costume

Guest Expressed: “5 Stupidest Halloween Costumes For Dogs”

I’ve written about stupid Halloween costumes before. I’ve written about stupid pet items before, too. It was about time to combine them.

Today’s guest is Jessica Conars and she’ll give us her thoughts on some pretty stupid Halloween costumes for dogs.

Enter Jessica:

Whoever said that the tradition of dressing up for Halloween is dead and forgotten? Honestly, it has never been more alive! Just look at these dogs and see just how well and alive it really is! Dressing up your dog in a ridiculous getup and parading it around town like it was a Bart Simpson float – if that is not the Halloween spirit I don’t know what is! Just take a gander at these here mongrels and witness first hand the cruelty of Man and all its unholy glory.

5. The Bat-Dog

Can you imagine anything more silly than a dog wearing a Batman costume? As if there could by anyone else but Christian Bale portraying the “Caped Crusader”. I can understand the whole premise of a dog-bat superhero, but a dog-bat billionaire? That is something that I find truly comical.

4. Super Mario Dogs

There is nothing funnier than a fat plumber trying to get the girl; especially when it involves him doing physical exercise. But a dog Super Mario? That is just bad gameplay, or it would be if anyone was drunk enough to cast a four legged Italian stereotype down people’s throats. One should rather sue the people who can do such a thing to a poor, defenseless animal. But we do have to admit, Super Mario Dogs sounds just as catchy as the prequel.

3. Dogula

Dracula Dog

Source

“I will suck your blood for dressing me like this! Ruff” – is what this adorable puppy would say if it was asked how it felt to be dressed in the most comical manner possible. I do respect Dracula and all he stands for, but if he knew about this trampling of his image, he would undoubtedly turn Catholic and begin missionary work overseas. I mean come on; just look into this mutt’s cold, soulless eyes and tell me he is not cursing the day they dressed him up in such a ridiculous getup.

2. Dogzilla

Not all Asian jokes have to involve crazy natives eating the local dog population, or making them into Prada handbags. All you need is a pair of green garbs, some construction paper and a “willing” dog to transform your ordinary house pet into Japan’s worst nightmare! May I present for your approval, the all powerful Dogzilla. He is well over 3 feet tall and his roar can can wake up even the deepest sleeping neighbor.

1. Star Wars (Featuring Dogs)

If we put aside Chewbacca and all the Ewoks from the third one, we can see that furry little critters have no place in outer space. Not only are we looking at another Jar Jar catastrophe, but what good are dogs when a guy in a black suit is choking you, using nothing but his mind? Honestly, even Yoda will find that amusing and ask George Lucas if he had taken his medication on time. Absurdity at its finest, if you ask me. What is next? Darth Poodle?

Author bio: Jessica Conars loves to write on different topics about entertainment. She works a part time job at http://www.shinylondon.co.uk/end-of-tenancy-cleaning-se17-walworth/ and she has a lot of time to write for her readers.

Red Error Sign

Guest Expressed: “Only Slightly Infuriating”

Today I have the pleasure to welcome Jeff of Content Unrelated as a guest.

Jeff’s a really funny guy and if you don’t know him…now you do! If you ever need a mood lifter, check out his “Horrorscopes” series.

I sometimes get tired of bitching about stuff that I find annoying, so today I’ll let Jeff do the bitching for me. Enter Jeff:

Let me first get the formalities out of the way. Thanks for the guest spot on Nest-Expressed, Daniel. I hope you enjoyed your blog because having me here could be the beginning of the end.

To Daniel’s readers; if this works out, you’ll probably be seeing more collaborations between the two of us. Buckle up, folks.

That said, let me tell you a little bit about myself:

LIKES:
Mac&Cheese
Death Metal
Naps

DISLIKES:
The Sun
Doing stuff
Stupid, common grammar mistakes

Yeah. I’m one of those people. You know the type. I’m the person whose blood gets a little heated when he sees a they’re instead of a there or a their. It drives me completely batshit to see a your when a sloth with an extra chromosome could clearly see it should’ve been a you’re.

Go ahead, tell me about how you’re going too the store. I dare you.

I’ve killed for less.

Chrome, Google’s Web browser, has this wonderfully handy little feature that underlines in red the words you’ve misspelled as you’re typing. In green, it underlines words that, it believes, you aren’t using properly. For example, if you were to type, “Where did you come form?” it underlines the form, at which point you can right-click, and it’ll tell you, Hey, bro, you used that word improperly. Want me to fix it?

Good Guy Chrome.

Until it totally tried to troll me the other day.

So I was doing my thing and writing angry, pointless things on the Internet. A typical Saturday night. After reviewing my post, I’d noticed something odd. A word I’d clearly used correctly was throwing a green underline by Chrome.

a-lot

Thinking Chrome was clearly on drugs, I deleted and re-typed. Still underlined. When I right-clicked to see what business Chrome had underlining my shit, it showed me this:

Alot
Come on, Google. Don’t screw with me. It’s not a particularly huge deal, it’s only slightly infuriating. I mean, if you’re going to serve my search results to the NSA on a silver platter, the least you could do is not screw with the people who wouldn’t actually know any better.

Now, I comb through this post to find any errors, lest I make a complete ass of myself making a stupid mistake after spending an entire post bitching about them.

Brown Dog on a Red Leash

Guest Expressed: “5 Most Annoying Habits Dogs Have”

I’ve bombarded you with posts about cats for too long. Enough is enough. Today’s guest, Supriya Tamang, brings something totally different to the table – a post about dogs and their annoying habits. Enter Supriya:

No matter how adorable or cute or lovable our furry friends are, you’d have to agree with me when I say this: there are times when we question our love for them. And rightly so!

There are some really quirky and annoying habits our dogs seem to have and nothing, I mean nothing we do can make them change that. While we all have learned to live through those enduring habits, I know how much hard-work and resilience it takes to love them despite these habits. And, sometimes we also need to rant, and cry and take the load of our chest, so today I’m here letting it all out, the most annoying things our dogs do.

1. Licking anything and everything

Sluuuuuuurp, sluuuurp, sluuurp, sluuuuuurp!

Hands, face, feet, furniture, floor, walls, privates (uugggghhhh), you name it, they lick it!

I don’t know to this day what’s so fascinating about licking, but they sure seem to love it. For instance, you lay down to take a nap, and there they are jumping and bounding across the room to lick you. And they seem to have this undying love for your nose don’t they?

We’ve all been through this, and even though it really annoys us at times, we don’t love them any less because of this. Sometimes it’s even cute!!

2. Bed Hogging

Do you always end up sleeping in the foot of the bed by the end of the night? I don’t know about you, but I sure do. And it’s all thanks to my darling dog. Bed hogging is the most annoying habit that I’ve found in almost all dogs; they tend to believe that they own the bed and they are doing us a favor by letting us crash on it. “The pillow’s mine! And the bed sheet, and the blanket and yeah, the entire bed’s mine toooooo!”, I honestly believe that they must think the same way every time they hit the bed.

3. Following you everywhere

Wagging their tails, looking at us with those puppy eyes and hanging their pink tongues, our dogs will follow us everywhere we go! Be it the kitchen, the bedroom, the living room or even the washroom, they have this constant need to follow us everywhere. Not that it’s something which really bugs me out, but it becomes really annoying when you start tripping on them or  when you can’t even leave the room without being followed. And, when we try to keep them from doing so, they practically dig a hole through the door trying to get to us!

Aaahh.. Puppy love!!

4. Excessive Chewing

I know!  That is why they have chew-toys. But, dogs have this innate ability to sniff out things like shoes, table, chairs, books, clothes and they’d rather chew these things than the chew-toy you just bought them. And, even better, they have the knack to differentiate between the new stuffs and the old ones. It’s no surprise that they always decide that it’s a good idea to chew through the new things. Lathered up in dog drool, with extensive bite marks and usually a big hole to go along with it, torn up or scratched, that is how our poor things end up when our dogs have nothing better to do.

5. Assuming that our lap is their couch

Yup, that is what they assume. It doesn’t matter if they’re tiny or big or wet or dirty, what matters is that they have to get onto our lap and snuggle in. Why? Well, because our lap is the most comfortable place on Earth. Not the soft cushion we’ve laid out for them, but our lap, not the bed, but our lap and it’s especially comfortable when we’re trying to complete our work.  And what happens if we don’t let them do so? Head butting, whining, slobbering, slathering, barking and constant pacing from one room to another. That’s what happens.

Even after all this, you can’t help but love them!

On a side note, I’m pretty sure I am turning into the ultimate dog-lady.. *sigh*

Supriya is a self proclaimed traveler who travels through the unexplored terrains of her mind and broken roads of her failures in search of “passion”. She is also is a writer at PV Pixels. Her fields of interests are event organizing and journalism. When not working, she likes to watch movies and spend time with her family.

Two Walkie Talkies

Guest Expressed: “Fred and Wilma have a lot to answer for”

Today’s guest, Charlie Curtis-Jones, takes us on a short journey through the history of communication. Don’t worry, it’s more fun than it may sound! Enter Charlie:

It would have been hard for a caveman, relaxing in his cave alongside his loin-cloth adorned family and pet sabre-tooth tiger (The Flintstones is a documentary, right?) to imagine a world where one of the greatest bug-bears known to mankind is a teenager, babbling away on a mobile phone in the silent carriage on the train.

Then again, it must have been pretty annoying waiting weeks on end for a message from the next settlement about the invention of the wheel while they lark around in newly-invented carts propelled by their feet poking through the floor. Fred and Wilma have a lot to answer for.

The point being, communication and interaction between human beings has come a long way over the past few thousand years or so, for better and for worse.

Take a second to think about it, is there a single shiny device that, for all its undoubted brilliance, doesn’t frustrate / annoy in equal measures?

Let’s go right back. Morse code, invented over 200 years ago, was a vital tool in World War Two, imperative to organising a country and its army into an undefeatable unit against the invading forces from overseas. Without it, the possibility of German occupation was a very real one. Still, did dear old Samuel Morse really have to use such an annoying beep noise to signify every dot and dash? It made it sound like R2D2 having a heart attack.

After that, was a stream of devices that enhanced communication, but continued to grate and annoy. Radio with all its crackles and static delivered the spoken word, while the first telephones and personal two-way radios were frustratingly limited.

We all remember the early house phone and its twisty cord, and the fact you could only display the full range of your emotions within a radius of about two feet.

Two-way radios were the stuff of boyhood dreams, letting you engage in secret chats from your mate next door without the evil overlords that are your parents knowing. Nowadays, they appear to be the preserve of bouncers who are intent on ruining your night.

Skipping quickly and conveniently past a couple decades of development brings us neatly to the present day. We’re overloaded with laptops, smartphones and tablets all of which allow us to speak to anyone on the globe at anytime, anywhere. Undoubtedly the world has become a smaller place.

But the price way pay is heavy. Buzzing, ringing and vibrating follow us wherever we go, social media provide a constant commentary on all the interesting things going on in the world, like when a dog is wearing a jumper. It is incredibly easy for a stranger from the other side of the world to inform you how idiotic you are with a few simple taps and swipes of a finger.

Alas, we are now set on a course where communication will become easier and easier, and harder to ignore. Technology will move on at break-neck speed, making devices smaller, quicker and smarter than ever before.

But surely, I can’t be the only one who, tired of the pit-falls of technology that go alongside its undeniable brilliance, sometimes wants to be left alone in his cave with a stone newspaper and my pet dinosaur with a bit of peace and quiet?

Charlie Curtis-Jones works for Brentwoodradios.co.uk, the radio communication experts.

Guest Expressed: “5 Stupid Criminals (glad I don’t have to defend these guys)”

I know, I know – yet another post about dumb criminals. But hey, whose fault is it that there are so many?

So here’s today’s guest, Jon Reiter, with more of them.

Enter Jon:

Considering the popularity of television shows like truTV’s World’s Dumbest Criminals, plenty of Americans have a secret obsession with learning more about idiots with criminal intentions who botch the case, leave major evidence behind, or incriminate themselves in a variety of ridiculous ways.

Here are five stupid criminals that any attorney would be embarrassed to defend in court:

1. Note to self: Sharpies do not make good disguises.

License: Creative Commons (Image Source)

Masks and bandanas seem to be the face-hiders of choice among most “successful” criminals, but the media is still laughing over two wannabe robbers from Tennessee who attempted to disguise themselves by drawing on their own faces with a black marker. Yeah, like that makes sense…

2. But it rang up $2!

License: Creative Commons (Image Source)

William Keltner from Texas created headlines as well as uncontrollable laughter when he intended to get a bargain on a television set at Wal-Mart. The retail giant’s loss-prevention team noticed that the savvy shopper removed the barcode from a $228 TV and replaced it with a barcode from a product costing just $1.17 before heading to a self-checkout lane. No wonder the register started flashing and warned him that associate assistance was necessary before the sale could be completed.

3. Hey, he’s gotta learn how to drive anyway!

When 43-year-old Tennessean Randy Lewis got so drunk and high that he decided not to drive—perhaps his only wise decision of the day—he handed the keys of his 1995 Ford Windstar van to his elementary-school-aged son. The van flipped onto its roof after the 10-year-old hit speeds of over 90 mph. Three other children were in the vehicle along with the driver and his “responsible” father. The entire crew was treated for injuries at a local hospital, but the best part of this incident would have to be the attire that Lewis was wearing in his mug shot—a wrinkled T-shirt suggesting that one should ‘Buy This Dad a Beer.’

4. Sorry, wrong number … wanna buy some drugs?

A 14-year-old Florida teen accidentally dialed a wrong number while making a call, something we’re all guilty of from time to time. Rather than apologize and hang up like any sane person would do, he asked the person who answered if he’d like to buy some drugs. Bad idea … turns out the call’s recipient was none other than a Gulfport Police detective, who was more than happy to make a purchase. When the duo arranged a time and place to meet, the teen and a companion who drove him to the site were both arrested.

5. Here’s one status update you probably shouldn’t make on Facebook.

When 26-year-old Cameroon-born Maxi Sopo falsely obtained over $200,000 in credit from banks, he maxed out the lines and headed down to Cancun. After committing bank fraud and escaping to paradise, he had the nerve to update his Facebook account with details of his new fun and frivolous life in paradise. The problem? One of his new Facebook friends was a former justice department official who quickly put two and two together and turned in the wannabe playboy.

There you have it—five of the dumbest criminals in recent history. While dirty deeds shouldn’t be laughing matters, it’s tough to keep a straight face when reading about folks like those mentioned above.

Jon Reiter is a marketing agent for http://swiftlaw.net, an expert Denver bankruptcy lawyer.

Guest Expressed: “8 Ways NOT to Drive a Sports Car”

Sports cars – can’t live without them, can’t drive them without making a fool of yourself.

Today Chris Turberville-Tully makes yet another appearance on the blog to share some driving tips, with illustrated “DO NOTs”.

Enter Chris:

When you want to learn how to drive a powerful car properly, you can take lessons from professional instructors at established driving schools. When you want to learn how NOT to drive a powerful car, there are guys with cellphone cameras and idiots in out-of-control cars.

Let’s visit the Hall of Shame.

Lesson #1: Allow for Proper Spacing

Most of us have dealt with bumper-to-bumper freeway traffic, creeping along inch by inch. It makes us yearn for an empty road where we can really air things out. In some abandoned parking lot somewhere, these two guys have all the room in the world to see what their cars can do, and they still end up trying to occupy the same space…at the same time.

Lesson #2: Driving a Cobra doesn’t make you a Cobra Driver

Here’s a guy in a very classic Cobra entering the road after several others have gone before him. Perhaps the other drivers made it look too easy. The poor fellow in the Cobra just can’t seem to be able to make a gentle left turn onto the open road.

Lesson #3: Shiny Road are Slick Roads

Many of us like shiny things, but a shiny road is not one of them. Mustangs may be the most legendary muscle car in American automotive history, but sometimes that power can work against you on slick surfaces.

Lesson #4: On Straightaways, Drive Straight

Experts can make even the most difficult tasks look easy. Idiots make easy tasks look impossible. This poor sap either has more power than he can handle, or, he has picked a very inopportune time and place to attempt a U-turn.

Lesson #5: Don’t Try To Video Your Exploits

Here we’re treated to the dashboard view of a couple of numbskulls trying to set a land-speed record out on a rural, two-lane road. Of course, the occasional bit of top soil blows onto the road. Let’s just say this is not good for traction. (Warning: In the midst of the crash, passenger language becomes a bit crude.)

Lesson #6: Don’t Park Your Performance Car Next to an Idiot

Actor Paul Walker learned this lesson when he parked his $130,000 Audi R8 next to a big Dodge pick-up truck. How ironic is it that Walker—known for his role in “Fast & Furious”—would end up with a crunched car? And, it was parked!

Lesson #7: Screeching Tires and Billowing Smoke are Real Attention Getters

This showoff probably thought that by burning out in a mostly deserted strip mall parking lot, he was safe. Wrong. Sometimes karma arrives in just the amount of time it takes a cop to flip on his siren.

Lesson #8: Vipers Can Bite Their Owners

First of all, the guy who made this video should have had both hands on his steering wheel. However, he was lucky enough to come through unscathed. The guy in the Dodge Viper that he was videoing wasn’t quite so lucky. One lesson for all drivers here is that traffic often backs up at off ramps.

Chris Turberville-Tully works with HR Owen, a luxury sports car dealership in England. HR Owen sells Maserati, Aston Martin, Bentley, BMW and Audi cars.

Guest Expressed: “5 ways to end a bad date”

Have you ever had a bad date? Have you wished you could say something to get out of it easily? Today’s guest, Linda Forshaw, has a few recipes. Enter Linda:

First dates are scary at the best of times. If you’re unlucky enough to find yourself sitting opposite someone whose face you’d rather use as target practice than smooch, they’re infinitely worse. Forget climbing out of the bathroom window. Just throw one of these gems out there and let your bad date climb out of the window instead.

5. “I’m still in love with my ex, but I’m trying to move forward if only to take my mind off the urge to call him every hour. Can you hang on a minute while I see if they have texted me in the last five minutes”.

Um, yeah, no one really wants to be the rebound partner. Tell your date that they’re second best or gush about how handsome/gorgeous your ex was and watch as they squirm in their seat looking for an escape route. This works even better if you add – “the only reason I picked this restaurant is because I thought my ex might be here”.

4. “How do you fancy the Central Park Boathouse as a wedding venue?”

Weddings, like exes and how many children you might have in the future, are no-mans land for a first date, but that’s only if you actually want the date to continue. When you want rid sharpish, weddings venue, exes, and children are all fair game.

3. “Hold still, I’m just going to take your picture.”

This is an awesome way to make someone feel super uncomfortable. It works even better if you imply that you’re going to put their picture on your wall or by your bedside (so you can look at them for ever and ever and ever….). The mere suggestion that their picture is destined to be shared on that dating blog you own will also work a charm.

2. “You know what, I think I’ll ask my mom/dad/hulk of a brother to join us. They’re sitting in the car right outside.”

Yeah, unless you’re under the age of ten, bringing your mom to your date is going to send any sane person running for the hills. The only way this one won’t work out for you is if your date is actually insane. In which case, the bathroom window is probably your best option after all.

1. “So, I Googled you and saw that picture of you with that guy/girl. Who’s that then? Should I be worried?”  (Best said at the exact moment you pick up your knife).

Stalk much? Most people will Google a date before they meet up. It’s a sure fire way of finding out if someone has been convicted of some heinous sex crime in the past. If you want your date to continue, then it’s best to keep schtum. On the other hand, if you can’t wait for your date to end, go right ahead and fess up to being a cyber stalker.

Author Bio

Linda Forshaw hails from Liverpool in the UK where she splits her time being looking after her daughter and fending off bad dates. A contributor to Degree Jungle, she is a full time writer and blogger specializing in education, social media, entrepreneurship (and dating). Contact her on Twitter @seelindaplay