Red Wine Glass

Guest Expressed: “8 things that ruin a perfectly good bottle of wine”

Forgot to tell you all: I’m on vacation. You won’t see me again…until two weeks from now.

While you wait for me, here’s an angry rant about wine troubles from today’s guest, Gerald Weber:

If there is one thing I love, it’s getting drunk on a good bottle of wine.  But sometimes, my enjoyment of the sacred process is ruined.  And that gets me mad.  Here are some of the nasty wine-enjoyment-ruining things that really piss me off.

8. Wine bottles

wine_bottles

OK, let’s be clear.  I love the wine in the bottle.  But the bottles suck.  Come on, 750 millilitres?  What kind of a bottle size is that?  To get a decent drunk, I’ll need three bottles.   I have only two hands.  That leaves me with some less than ideal options:

  • Drink the bottles consecutively, but where’s the fun in that?
  • Pour the wine into glasses, but that slows down the process.  Just the kind of inefficiency that is destroying this country.
  • Ask for help holding the third bottle, but that means I’ll have to share.  Nothing doing.

7. People
Yes, people can really spoil my wine.  And it’s not just some people.  All kinds of people can ruin a perfectly good wine drunk.  For instance:

woman_drunk_on_wine_zps3f7649d9

People who talk.  Shut up, I can’t hear myself getting drunk with all that blah blah blah.

People who drink beer.  No offence, but beer and wine don’t mix.  Go find your own corner.

People who don’t drink.  Sanctimonious Teletubby clones who think they are better than me just because they haven’t mastered the fine art of drunking.

Atheists.  Jesus turned water into wine.  Imagine if he was alive today?  Puny bottles wouldn’t even bother me if I could just turn on the tap to get my wine.  I could just lie on my back in the bathtub and open my mouth.  Jesus is my hero.

Wine connoisseurs. They taste the wine on the tips of their tongues and swirl it around in their mouths. They are so frustrating.  Stop playing with it and just swallow already!

People who bring their own bottles.  Umm, actually I like those people.

6. Heat
It gets really hot in Arizona summers and the heat spoils the wine.  I know that wine connoisseurs will babble on about how the bouquet or the balance or the ambience or things like that are off balance when the wine gets too hot.  Who cares?

imsis276-027

I care that the heat makes the wine funny.  Look what it did to Wile E. Coyote. He’s always drunk, but he still can’t handle explosives or aim a rocket.  What’s his problem? And he never catches the Road Runner, even though coyotes have a top speed of 43 mph, more than twice that of road runners.  And the hallucinations!  He sees a five-foot tall grinning cartoon character, when road runners are dull-looking birds no more than two feet tall.  I wish I could get hallucinations like that.

5. Selfies
Deep down, I know half of those selfie girls are ugly.  It’s just the wine that makes them look good.  I don’t like being tricked.  There oughta be a law: only hot chicks should be allowed to take selfies.

let_me_take_a_selfie_zps483a6e94

4. Cheese
You know, as in wine and cheese.  Get real.  Who wants food to dilute the wine?

3. Spaghetti sauce
Have you noticed how many recipes for spaghetti sauce call for wine as an ingredient?  That is an outrage.  When you taste it, you don’t taste the wine.  All you taste are vegetables and spices.  Yuck!  And when you go to rinse your mouth out, the wine bottle is empty.  It’s a double whammy (and I don’t even know what a single whammy is).

2. Naked women
Yeah, I know.  Some of you might be saying whoa, what’s wrong with naked women?  Nothing, actually. Especially if they bring their own bottle of wine. I was just thinking of naked women right now, and – hey – I got distracted just by thinking of naked women.  Not only do they distract me from my drinking, but they just distracted me from my writing.  I love naked women, but they are so distracting.  But they are so delicious.  And so distracting.  And so… Oh, this is torture!!!

naked_woman_zps10ae262d

1. Drive-throughs
Please tell me what’s wrong with this picture.  You order a burger.  You order fries.  You order soda.  Why the **** would I want to drink soda?!  What is wrong with drive-throughs, anyway?  Why don’t they serve wine?

That’s it.  There are tons of things that soil a perfectly good bottle of wine, and one of them is whining about them.  So I’m going off to my corner to enjoy another three bottles.  Feel free to join me if you’ve got your own bottles. And don’t forget to bring the naked women.

Advertisements
Blue Orange Search

Google, Go Home, You’re Drunk

A few short days ago I let Jeff from Content Unrelated play with my toys and write some word sequences on this very blog.

Today I have my revenge.

Today Jeff’s blog is blessed with some palmary word magic from yours truly.

Head on over and check out my guest post entitled “Google Go Home, You’re Drunk“.

Do stick around on Jeff’s blog though. He’s a funny man, so check out his posts. A few to get your started are “Sniff sniff sniff” and the “Horrorscopes” series.

Brown Dog on a Red Leash

Guest Expressed: “5 Most Annoying Habits Dogs Have”

I’ve bombarded you with posts about cats for too long. Enough is enough. Today’s guest, Supriya Tamang, brings something totally different to the table – a post about dogs and their annoying habits. Enter Supriya:

No matter how adorable or cute or lovable our furry friends are, you’d have to agree with me when I say this: there are times when we question our love for them. And rightly so!

There are some really quirky and annoying habits our dogs seem to have and nothing, I mean nothing we do can make them change that. While we all have learned to live through those enduring habits, I know how much hard-work and resilience it takes to love them despite these habits. And, sometimes we also need to rant, and cry and take the load of our chest, so today I’m here letting it all out, the most annoying things our dogs do.

1. Licking anything and everything

Sluuuuuuurp, sluuuurp, sluuurp, sluuuuuurp!

Hands, face, feet, furniture, floor, walls, privates (uugggghhhh), you name it, they lick it!

I don’t know to this day what’s so fascinating about licking, but they sure seem to love it. For instance, you lay down to take a nap, and there they are jumping and bounding across the room to lick you. And they seem to have this undying love for your nose don’t they?

We’ve all been through this, and even though it really annoys us at times, we don’t love them any less because of this. Sometimes it’s even cute!!

2. Bed Hogging

Do you always end up sleeping in the foot of the bed by the end of the night? I don’t know about you, but I sure do. And it’s all thanks to my darling dog. Bed hogging is the most annoying habit that I’ve found in almost all dogs; they tend to believe that they own the bed and they are doing us a favor by letting us crash on it. “The pillow’s mine! And the bed sheet, and the blanket and yeah, the entire bed’s mine toooooo!”, I honestly believe that they must think the same way every time they hit the bed.

3. Following you everywhere

Wagging their tails, looking at us with those puppy eyes and hanging their pink tongues, our dogs will follow us everywhere we go! Be it the kitchen, the bedroom, the living room or even the washroom, they have this constant need to follow us everywhere. Not that it’s something which really bugs me out, but it becomes really annoying when you start tripping on them or  when you can’t even leave the room without being followed. And, when we try to keep them from doing so, they practically dig a hole through the door trying to get to us!

Aaahh.. Puppy love!!

4. Excessive Chewing

I know!  That is why they have chew-toys. But, dogs have this innate ability to sniff out things like shoes, table, chairs, books, clothes and they’d rather chew these things than the chew-toy you just bought them. And, even better, they have the knack to differentiate between the new stuffs and the old ones. It’s no surprise that they always decide that it’s a good idea to chew through the new things. Lathered up in dog drool, with extensive bite marks and usually a big hole to go along with it, torn up or scratched, that is how our poor things end up when our dogs have nothing better to do.

5. Assuming that our lap is their couch

Yup, that is what they assume. It doesn’t matter if they’re tiny or big or wet or dirty, what matters is that they have to get onto our lap and snuggle in. Why? Well, because our lap is the most comfortable place on Earth. Not the soft cushion we’ve laid out for them, but our lap, not the bed, but our lap and it’s especially comfortable when we’re trying to complete our work.  And what happens if we don’t let them do so? Head butting, whining, slobbering, slathering, barking and constant pacing from one room to another. That’s what happens.

Even after all this, you can’t help but love them!

On a side note, I’m pretty sure I am turning into the ultimate dog-lady.. *sigh*

Supriya is a self proclaimed traveler who travels through the unexplored terrains of her mind and broken roads of her failures in search of “passion”. She is also is a writer at PV Pixels. Her fields of interests are event organizing and journalism. When not working, she likes to watch movies and spend time with her family.

Red Swiss Army Knife

Guest Expressed: Why a Knife is Essential for Post-Apocalyptic Survival

We all know that knives are a useful tool. Today’s guest, Soleil Ho, will prove that their usefulness extends all the way to our post-apocalyptic future.

Enter Soleil:

When society goes to pot and we’re all riding grunged-out motorcycles through a nuclear wasteland, I’m not going to be hoarding heavy artillery or a death ray: just my trusty survival knife. Trust me; I’ve watched The Walking Dead AND Demolition Man, so I definitely have lots of advanced post-apocalypse intel under my belt. After a lot of research, I’ve become convinced that knives will be my best bet because of their versatility and ease of use.

Even though many things may not be, there are some necessities that will remain certain. You’ll need food, hand tools, and the means to defend yourself and your loved ones against giant mutated rats. Luckily, a knife can help you in all three departments!

By “food,” I don’t just mean that you’ll need a dystopian steak knife. You’re going to need something that can open up cans, right? And I’m fairly sure that can openers are going to be the first things to go the second NASA spots an alien mothership heading our way. So what else can you use to unlock the goods? A knife! Opening an aluminum can with a knife is a great skill to have, so practice while there’s still time.

It may not need saying, but perhaps a reminder would be enough: knives are essential for hunting. How else are you going to get your squirrel fillets cleaned and processed? In addition to processing wild game and fish, knives are useful for setting light traps, prying wild vegetation out of the ground, making nets, and marking trails. Just think of your knife as nature’s credit card.

You’ll also be glad to have a knife for minute tasks like opening glass bottles, cleaning mud off your boots, shaving, and more. Plus, in a world without the Internet, you’ll probably want to take up whittling or something to pass the time. I’m pretty sure that’s what people used to do before Angry Birds.

Knives are really useful in all of these ways, and what really makes them ideal for a Walmart-less future is the fact that they don’t need much maintenance or extra parts as you use them, unlike a chainsaw or bazooka. You’ll be able to tackle the meanest C.H.U.D.s and tuna cans with your knife as long as you can keep it sharp.

That doesn’t mean that you’ll have a 100% chance of survival out in the nuclear wilderness, but it’ll be a big help. And when the going gets too tough, you can use your knife to carve out your last will and testament on a tree trunk. It was good knowing you!

Soleil Ho is a freelance writer and casual conspiracy theorist.

Two Walkie Talkies

Guest Expressed: “Fred and Wilma have a lot to answer for”

Today’s guest, Charlie Curtis-Jones, takes us on a short journey through the history of communication. Don’t worry, it’s more fun than it may sound! Enter Charlie:

It would have been hard for a caveman, relaxing in his cave alongside his loin-cloth adorned family and pet sabre-tooth tiger (The Flintstones is a documentary, right?) to imagine a world where one of the greatest bug-bears known to mankind is a teenager, babbling away on a mobile phone in the silent carriage on the train.

Then again, it must have been pretty annoying waiting weeks on end for a message from the next settlement about the invention of the wheel while they lark around in newly-invented carts propelled by their feet poking through the floor. Fred and Wilma have a lot to answer for.

The point being, communication and interaction between human beings has come a long way over the past few thousand years or so, for better and for worse.

Take a second to think about it, is there a single shiny device that, for all its undoubted brilliance, doesn’t frustrate / annoy in equal measures?

Let’s go right back. Morse code, invented over 200 years ago, was a vital tool in World War Two, imperative to organising a country and its army into an undefeatable unit against the invading forces from overseas. Without it, the possibility of German occupation was a very real one. Still, did dear old Samuel Morse really have to use such an annoying beep noise to signify every dot and dash? It made it sound like R2D2 having a heart attack.

After that, was a stream of devices that enhanced communication, but continued to grate and annoy. Radio with all its crackles and static delivered the spoken word, while the first telephones and personal two-way radios were frustratingly limited.

We all remember the early house phone and its twisty cord, and the fact you could only display the full range of your emotions within a radius of about two feet.

Two-way radios were the stuff of boyhood dreams, letting you engage in secret chats from your mate next door without the evil overlords that are your parents knowing. Nowadays, they appear to be the preserve of bouncers who are intent on ruining your night.

Skipping quickly and conveniently past a couple decades of development brings us neatly to the present day. We’re overloaded with laptops, smartphones and tablets all of which allow us to speak to anyone on the globe at anytime, anywhere. Undoubtedly the world has become a smaller place.

But the price way pay is heavy. Buzzing, ringing and vibrating follow us wherever we go, social media provide a constant commentary on all the interesting things going on in the world, like when a dog is wearing a jumper. It is incredibly easy for a stranger from the other side of the world to inform you how idiotic you are with a few simple taps and swipes of a finger.

Alas, we are now set on a course where communication will become easier and easier, and harder to ignore. Technology will move on at break-neck speed, making devices smaller, quicker and smarter than ever before.

But surely, I can’t be the only one who, tired of the pit-falls of technology that go alongside its undeniable brilliance, sometimes wants to be left alone in his cave with a stone newspaper and my pet dinosaur with a bit of peace and quiet?

Charlie Curtis-Jones works for Brentwoodradios.co.uk, the radio communication experts.

Guest Expressed: “Basketball – Why Do It Like Everyone Else?”

We’ve seen crazy houses, crazy sofas and crazy bathrooms before. Today Meg Jones returns to point out that basketball has a few crazy tricks up its sleeve too. Enter Meg:

Basketball, like so many sports, is loads of fun to watch and even more fun to play.

Whether your style is street ball with the guys or a serious, by-the-book game with an organized team, shooting hoops takes on a whole new meaning when you have access to some wild and crazy basketball courts like these:

Floating Courts

Work up a thirst playing basketball? Try surrounding yourself with an ocean while you play. On this Disney cruise ship, basketball lovers can shoot hoops while taking in some sun and getting a good look at the waves and the wide-open sky.

Kids playing on a cruise ship.

License: Creative Commons (image source)

Another, even more extreme, floating court is the one that was specially constructed aboard the USS Bataan, an assault ship. In November of 2012, this court was used for a game between Georgetown and the University of Florida. Hopefully the players had time to find their sea legs before the game started!

Basketball on an aircraft carrier.

License: Creative Commons (image source)

Desert Court

The polar opposite of the floating court would have to be the desert court. Surrounded by sand and burning sunlight, this court is a basketball lover’s oasis. But you’ll want to pack extra water bottles when playing on this one!

The Matthew Knight Arena

College sports fans shouldn’t be too surprised that the University of Oregon would choose something flamboyant and out-of-the-ordinary for their new basketball arena, the Matthew Knight Arena. The new court, which was opened for use in January of 2011, features a floor design that has been facetiously accused of causing retina damage. The pattern pays homage to the Oregonian woods, featuring silhouettes of tree lines that extend around the entire perimeter of the court. No one can accuse this court of lacking character.

The Ducks court, with trees on the floor.

License: Creative Commons (image source)

Geometric Courts

For those who like to break the mold of the mundane, these courts should satisfy. Dubrovnik, Croatia is home to this strange basketball court, which looks more like a series of half courts situated at odd angles. Playing a full game here could get a little tricky.

Basketball court in small, mountainous city.

License: Creative Commons (image source)

And if that’s not unconventional enough for you, try this court in Munich on for size. The basketball court is regulation-sized, but that’s got to be the only thing “regulation” about it. It features a 3D terrain of rolling bumps and small valleys as well as lamp posts dotting the court. Modern art plus basketball? We think, yes; although, actually playing on this court could be potentially hazardous. Supposedly, it requires “creative engagement” for its use.

3D basketball court.

License: Creative Commons (image source)

Meg Jones writes for Robbin’s Sports, a company that provides basketball backboards for exciting play wherever you are.

Guest Expressed: “5 ways to end a bad date”

Have you ever had a bad date? Have you wished you could say something to get out of it easily? Today’s guest, Linda Forshaw, has a few recipes. Enter Linda:

First dates are scary at the best of times. If you’re unlucky enough to find yourself sitting opposite someone whose face you’d rather use as target practice than smooch, they’re infinitely worse. Forget climbing out of the bathroom window. Just throw one of these gems out there and let your bad date climb out of the window instead.

5. “I’m still in love with my ex, but I’m trying to move forward if only to take my mind off the urge to call him every hour. Can you hang on a minute while I see if they have texted me in the last five minutes”.

Um, yeah, no one really wants to be the rebound partner. Tell your date that they’re second best or gush about how handsome/gorgeous your ex was and watch as they squirm in their seat looking for an escape route. This works even better if you add – “the only reason I picked this restaurant is because I thought my ex might be here”.

4. “How do you fancy the Central Park Boathouse as a wedding venue?”

Weddings, like exes and how many children you might have in the future, are no-mans land for a first date, but that’s only if you actually want the date to continue. When you want rid sharpish, weddings venue, exes, and children are all fair game.

3. “Hold still, I’m just going to take your picture.”

This is an awesome way to make someone feel super uncomfortable. It works even better if you imply that you’re going to put their picture on your wall or by your bedside (so you can look at them for ever and ever and ever….). The mere suggestion that their picture is destined to be shared on that dating blog you own will also work a charm.

2. “You know what, I think I’ll ask my mom/dad/hulk of a brother to join us. They’re sitting in the car right outside.”

Yeah, unless you’re under the age of ten, bringing your mom to your date is going to send any sane person running for the hills. The only way this one won’t work out for you is if your date is actually insane. In which case, the bathroom window is probably your best option after all.

1. “So, I Googled you and saw that picture of you with that guy/girl. Who’s that then? Should I be worried?”  (Best said at the exact moment you pick up your knife).

Stalk much? Most people will Google a date before they meet up. It’s a sure fire way of finding out if someone has been convicted of some heinous sex crime in the past. If you want your date to continue, then it’s best to keep schtum. On the other hand, if you can’t wait for your date to end, go right ahead and fess up to being a cyber stalker.

Author Bio

Linda Forshaw hails from Liverpool in the UK where she splits her time being looking after her daughter and fending off bad dates. A contributor to Degree Jungle, she is a full time writer and blogger specializing in education, social media, entrepreneurship (and dating). Contact her on Twitter @seelindaplay