Dog Wearing a Crown

Email Troll: “Reign Of Dogs”

Just a few weeks after my post about liars trying to get links, I was contacted by yet another “content marketer”. From this point on, the word “content marketer” is interchangeable with “spammer.”

Apparently my blog is a shining beacon of light in the fashion industry, because this marketer figured my audience would be ecstatic to hear from his fancy dress company.

Yet again the marketer lied about having read and enjoyed my posts. Yet again I responded with a reference to a non-existent post. Yet again the marketer lied about having read that fake post. These guys must have attended the same “Bullshit 101” course in late October.

Here’s the correspondence:

 

Sam:

Hello,

My name is Sam and i am currently working on behalf of a fancy dress company called [EDITED OUT].

I have spent some time on your site this afternoon and really like the posts that you have written or had written and published on your blog. Following this i was wondering if you would be interested in receiving and publishing an article written on or around the subject of christmas costumes? I feel this would be highly relevant and good viewing for your fellow bloggers.

I hope this would be of interest to you and any feedback or suggestions on this to make the article appeal to you would be appreciated. I look forward to your response.

Kind Regards,

Sam

 

Daniel:

Hi Sam,

Exciting. Is it my “Dog Kimono” post that got you to write me? That post took quite a bit of research and two weeks living among dogs!

Daniel

 

Sam:

Hello Daniel,

Yes that was the post, i found the article very interesting.

I was wondering if you accept guest posts?

Kind Regards,

Sam

 

Daniel:

Hi Sam,

That’s so cool. The crazy thing about dogs is that they have at least eleven different barks for “danger” and seventeen barks for “nap time.” Did you know that?

I accept many things, but I accept our future overlords—dogs—above all!

How about you, Sam?

Daniel

 

Sadly, Sam never wrote back. I’m not sure if it’s because he found out I was on to him, or because he’s now frantically preparing for the impending dog apocalypse. I hope it’s the latter.

From now on I think I’ll start answering content marketers with a link to the “Want Links? Make an effort!” post and leave it at that.

Until then…woof woof!

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Want links? Make an effort!

I’ve had a lot of guest posters on this blog.

A few of them have been people I knew and wanted to exchange guest posts with.

The majority, however, have been content marketers, who were interested in getting links to their company, campaign, or smuggling ring.

That’s perfectly fine. I know how the game works. You give me a funny post for my audience, I give you some links back to whatever it is you’re promoting (unless it’s porn or instructional videos on how to boil cats).

I get it. In fact, I have a “Be My Guest” page right there in the top menu, specifically for this type of exchange.

There are two ways you can approach me about becoming a guest and getting some links to your blog or website. Both are entirely acceptable.

1) You write me a personal message that shows you’ve read the blog. You suggest a topic that works for Nest Expressed, I publish it and we both do a happy dance on top of a mountain at sunset. I pick the location.

Tree Mountain Sunset

Perfect!

2) You tell me you’re a marketer interested in promoting your stuff on people’s blogs and ask what it takes to be featured on mine. It’s a common SEO strategy and I have no problems with it.

What I do take issue with is dishonest bullshit like this (real email, received yesterday):

 

Hope you’re doing well!

I’m Andrea Jayson and am an avid reader and blogger, a passion which I think we share.

Your blog “nest-expressed.com” is by far the most interesting I have come across in the recent past, hands down!

The writer in me is yearning to write a piece for your blog, maybe around 400-500 words, or whatever you are okay with. In return I expect one clean back link to my website.

Awaiting your reply.

Regards,
Andrea

 

Thanks for the cookie-cutter copy-paste query, Andrea. It must have taken you a lot of effort to insert “nest-expressed.com” into the [name of site] spot in your ready-made template. Maybe if you didn’t add the generic “most interesting I have come across in the recent past, hands down” line I’d have actually considered you. Instead you sound like my comment spam.

I’m a fair man, so I wanted to give Andrea a way to work around her shitty approach. Here’s what I wrote:

 

Hey Andrea,

Which post was your favourite? The one about fictional robot goblins? I really like that one myself!

Daniel

 

Andrea now had the opportunity to actually open my blog, pick any random short post, skim it and tell me she liked my writing about fart-blocking underwear and creepy dolls. Instead, this was her response:

 

Shall I Send you the topic for which I want to write the article.

 

No, Andrea. That is not what you shall do. You shall read the words that are contained within my email. They are not encrypted. My response:

 

You didn’t like my robots post? I liked that one!

What did you find the most interesting about my blog, to make you so enthusiastic about it? If it’s not robot goblins, then what?

 

That’s your second freaking chance to make an effort, Andrea. Pick one post, make me believe that you give a shit. But Andrea wrote this:

 

I have read that post, It is nice.

 

That’s funny, seeing how I haven’t ever written a post about robot goblins. Side note: I should really write a post about robot goblins.

Well done, Andrea. You went from template lies to custom-tailored lies. All because you’re too lazy to actually visit the blog. My final email to Andrea read:

 

Awesome! Which part of these three was your favourite:

1) The one where I talk about their wacky mutation
2) Where goblins fight space lizards
3) The part where Danny DeVito appears and pretends to be an alien.

The third one is my personal favourite, but I like to know what my readers enjoy.

Maybe we can work together indeed!

 

Sadly, Andrea didn’t respond. Maybe she finally understood that I was mocking her and learned the error of her ways. More likely, she figured our correspondence took more time and energy than she was willing to expend. After all, you can spam dozens of people in the time it takes to write a proper email.

Is there a moral to that story?

Yes: don’t fucking lie! If you do, don’t continue to lie when you’re called out.

I don’t care if you don’t read my blog and only want links based on its page rank, or whatever. If you can deliver a funny post, I consider it a fair exchange. But if you write fake, see-through stuff like “your blog is amazing and I love everything about it”, prepare to back that up or, even better, cut that shit out. Otherwise you’re being an unprofessional asshole and wasting everyone’s time.

Don’t be an asshole, please.

Guest Expressed: “5 Funny Car Dealer Stories”

Today Samantha Wood tells us why car dealers have it so damn hard! Enter Samantha:

When you are buying a new or used car, undoubtedly there are lots of questions you will want to ask the dealer. Depending on how much you know about cars, some of your queries may be fairly basic or they could be so complicated they have the salesman scratching their head.

However, the chances are that whatever you have to say won’t be as crazy, funny or just plain daft as some of the things that dealers have experienced over the years. Here’s a selection of some of the best car dealer tales which have been taken straight from the horse’s mouth!

1) Don’t take things for granted

A customer is looking to get a good price on his old car which is going to be traded in as a part-exchange. To make sure it runs smoothly, the dealer asks for the keys to take it out for a quick spin. The elderly owner hands them over, and is at pains to point out that they expect a good price as the car has a ‘brand-new set of brakes’.

On returning from the test drive, the dealer is looking rather white; apparently the car failed to stop at a set of traffic lights and he was forced to crawl back with absolutely no brakes. When questioned about the apparent discrepancy, the owner didn’t bat an eyelid, just simply pointed to the brand new box of brakes sitting in the back seat, insisting that it does have new brakes, but crucially adding ‘I just haven’t had time to get them fitted…’.

2) Be clear about requirements

A customer is buying a car on finance and is asked to supply proof of income plus five references in order to secure the deal. The individual goes away with the vehicle reserved, and is due to collect it the following day at 5pm subject to the information being supplied.

By 7pm, the customer still hasn’t arrived and the dealer is beginning to wonder whether the sale is a goner, when suddenly the door bursts open. The customer rushes in, full of apologies ad explains that he is late because he had trouble rounding up all of his references – and then couldn’t fit them all in his car. Yes that’s right; he had assumed that he needed to bring the references in person to the dealership rather than just a written statement. The sale eventually went ahead.

3) Make sure the customer knows where everything is

A secondary school teacher approached a Honda car dealer looking for a larger vehicle which would allow him to comfortably carry all of the class supplies, and eventually ended up purchasing a Honda CR-V, an SUV model.

Unfortunately, after just a couple of days, the formerly delighted customer telephoned the dealership, apoplectic with rage because he had suffered a punctured tyre and there had been no spare tyre in the boot.

The dealer apologised profusely and offered to send out emergency services to get the vehicle home, upon which the customer informed him there was no need. He went on to rather angrily inform the dealer than after discovering there was no tyre in the boot he had been forced to use the one hanging on the back of the SUV instead…

4) Tittle tattle

A disgruntled buyer turned up at a car dealership to take a look at a pricey SUV his wife had chosen and taken for a test drive.

The vehicle was fitted with the On-Star technology supplied by General Motors on all of the higher end vehicles. This piece of equipment offers a range of functions from calling emergency services to unlocking the car remotely.

On sitting inside the vehicle, the husband starts randomly pressing the On-Star buttons, asking for a demo of how it works, all the time complaining bitterly about his wife’s lack of comprehension of the value of money. He eventually gets out and takes a cheaper SUV for a test drive. The next day the wife comes back alone to test drive both vehicles.

Whilst out, she happens to start fiddling with the On-Star buttons and what does she hear? A recording of the entire conversation from the previous day…including the vitriol spouted by her husband about her apparent financial complacency. Amongst its functions, On-Star has a microphone and recording facility which had been inadvertently activated the previous day.

The husband very shortly returned to the dealer and paid for the more expensive car without a murmur.

5) Never question the customer’s logic

The final story here revolves around the trend for putting miniature spare tyres onto modern cars, often known as ‘space savers’. Unlike regular tyres, these are only suitable for emergency use and have a capped maximum speed.

Not everyone likes the idea of only having a short-term emergency use tyre in their boot, and this particular customer was the same. After agreeing the terms of his new purchase at the car dealership, he had one extra request: get rid of the space-saver and arrange for a full-size tyre to be provided.

The car salesman was dubious and warned the customer that the spare tyre well may not be large enough, but the man was insistent. Not wanting to lose a customer, the salesman agreed on the proviso that the dealership would not be responsible for fitting the tyre into the car. The customer is very happy with the arrangement.

As he is leaving the dealership, the salesman asks – just out of interest – how he is going to get the tyre into the car. The customer informs the salesman blithely that he will simply let the air out of the tyre and squash it into the space….thereby rendering the spare tyre useless if one of the four on the car gets a puncture!!

So next time you wander down to your local Vauxhall dealer for a look around, bear the above true tales in mind and have some sympathy for the salesman – who know what weird and wonderful encounters he may have already experienced so far that day!

An article by Samantha Wood who has many a story to tell herself and loves a humorous tale!

Poll time: Guest posts or not?

You may be familiar with the multitude of prior polls I’ve run on this blog, such as “What types of posts would you like?“, the “Superhero Poll” and…well, yeah that’s about it. You are probably also familiar with the many guest articles I’ve been hosting recently. If you haven’t read a single guest post yet, go right ahead and check some out. Also, shame on you. And you call yourself a “fan who believes Daniel to be the best thing to happen to planet Earth”?! OK, you probably don’t call yourself that.

I personally think it’s great to have this diversity and different voices from some great bloggers out there. That’s just me though. What do you think?

As always, I give you the power to vote on the direction this blog takes. As always, your responses will be meticulously recorded, carefully considered and then completely ignored in favour of what I decide to do. Well OK, I do actually listen to your feedback, even though I believe that democracy is overrated and dictatorships are far more efficient. But until my world domination schematics are finally ready, I’ll have to play along…

I’m curious to see your votes. If you’re especially passionate about some specific guest posts, I’d love to hear which ones you liked most. Do drop me a comment below.