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eBay Troll: “Regenerating Haiku”

You already know that I like trolling shady people. Sometimes I write back to email scammers, sometimes I chase after sellers of questionable metaphysical items on eBay. You probably also know that I had a minor fling with haiku.

By now you probably figured out where I’m going with this…what?! No! Jesus, that’s not at all where I was going! How could you even think of something like that, you’re disgusting!

Where I’m going with this…is this:

I found another seller of magic on eBay. He was selling this life giving jewellery:

Regeneration Earrings eBay

If you read the detailed and rambling description of the item (for the sake of your sanity, just don’t!) you’ll learn that these earrings are “energizing” and “cleansing” and possess the powers of regeneration and something called “joy renewal”. They also have to do with “Growth, Investment, Nerves”. Basically it’s a smorgasbord of words the seller found in the dictionary that day.

The seller goes on to say that “the most remarkable characteristic of this stone is its ability to change color”. Yes, the most mind-blowing thing about a stone that has the ability to literally regenerate people and renew their joy is the fact that it occasionally looks different to the eye. It’s like owning a time machine and claiming that the most amazing thing about it is how easily it can be stored under your bed.

Anyways, to make a long story short, I decided to mess with this seller of Wolverine powers. He went by the alias “Starborn41”, because what else would he be called? To add a new flavour to my trolling, I decided to communicate exclusively in 5-7-5 haikus – one per email. In addition, I came up with an actual Alexander who supposedly owned these Alexandrite earrings.

What follows is the nonsensical correspondence that resulted, enjoy:

Daniel:

Regeneration
Only works on my ears, or
Other body parts?

Starborn41:

This would be for the whole body.

Thanks
Lewis

Daniel:

This Alexander,
Is he now alive or dead?
I’m afraid of ghosts!

Starborn41:

Sorry I can not answers your question on this.

Lewis

Daniel:

Oh my God, it’s true!
He’s alive now, is he not?
Are you his lawyer?

Starborn41:

I can not answers questions like this. Please Thank you

Daniel:

I agree, please thanks
For if Alexander lives
We must all shut up!

Starborn41:

Your Welcome

Daniel:

And he said to them
You shall know of my burden,
I see dead people

Starborn41:

Thank you

Daniel:

You are most welcome
Now go forth and sell earrings
To the mad masses!

________________________________________________________

What are your thoughts on “joy renewing” earrings? Would you buy a set? Do you know Alexander? Is he alive? You would tell me if he were still alive, wouldn’t you?!

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10 proverbs with a haiku spin

Saturdays are usually the days I do random stupid things to keep myself entertained. This makes them a lot like all other days.

Today’s randomness is inspired by Carrie Rubin’s post where she shared her husband’s rhyming haikus with us. I refuse to generate original blog topics, so I decided to come up with some haikus of my own.

Haikus are a form of short poetry in Japan. Here’s a detailed Wiki article on haikus. If your attention to detail is as good as mine, all you got from that is that haikus usually have 17 syllables, which are structured in a 5-7-5 pattern. Best of all: no rhyming necessary!

Below I have tried to repackage age-old wisdom from popular proverbs into catchy haiku form. As a special bonus, all comments on this post will be answered with haikus. Yes, my goal is to make sure you hate me when this is all over.

1.

“There are times you win

There are also times you lose”

– Captain Obvious

2.

If you get a horse

Stop staring into its mouth

You freaking pervert!

3.

Keep your friends nearby

Enemies even more so…

…easier to stab.

4.

One single picture

Equals to a thousand words

Be a writer – paint.

5.

Every road you take

Apparently leads to Rome.

Poor infrastructure.

6.

If you stay silent

They say it’s a lot like gold

Shut up and get rich!

7.

Some claim that money

Is making our world go round.

Did they learn Physics?

8.

Never judge a book

By looking at its cover

Screw your lies, Kindle!

9.

Water’s density

Is lower than that of blood

Scientific fact.

10.

He who talks too much

Mostly speaks utter nonsense.

Hippopotamus!