Ah, Valentine’s Day, when we celebrate the deaths of a bunch of Christian martyrs by buying overpriced chocolates!
Some treat their loved ones to fancy candlelit dinners, while others watch romantic comedies and sob quietly into their celebrity-shaped pillows. Most of us just shrug and go on with our lives.
Must we be so different? Is there nothing that unites us on this most corporate of days? Can a single product bring us all closer together in shared emotion? Yes, it can, and that emotion is seething hate.
Enter Etsy.com, my arch nemesis—a vile and loveless place full of birthing dolls and unfiltered terrors. What horror have you concocted for us today, Etsy?
What in the Valentine’s salty armpit is this?!
A combo mitten that the couple shares while taking a stroll through the city? Why, you have outdone yourself this time, Etsy, you evil psychopath you!
If you think this is a cute idea, stop and think it through for a second. Not only are you sharing glorified handcuffs, but you absolutely guarantee that every single person you meet will want to murder you in the most gruesome way possible.
According to the seller, this Valentine’s mitten is “very cozy but not as cozy as the walks and smiles you will receive when people see you walking down the street.” Fuck you! I dare you and one of your suicidal friends to actually put that to the test and wear this in public. If you can go for more than two minutes before someone throws a dead squirrel at you, I’ll buy 100 of these and wear them by myself on a daily basis. When you wear this abomination, the cupid himself floats gently down from heaven and puts an arrow straight through your neck for mocking the very concepts of restraint and sanity.
There’s no way that anyone would actually purch–
Oh for fuck’s sake. Enjoy your stupid Valentine’s day, humanity. You are all far beyond any help I can offer.
Am I the only one here? Does anyone else think this product is an invention of the Devil himself? Can you think of worse things to give someone you love? If so, what are they?