“No Internet = No Virus” is the apparent slogan of an anti-virus software that earlier today completely fucked up my Internet access. I don’t want to mention any names, but let’s just say it starts with “McAfee” and ends with “Antivirus”.

For many years I have happily used the free anti-virus software from Avira. It ran fast, worked great, and didn’t cost anything, because that’s how “free” works.

Then I bought a new laptop.

Like most laptops these days it came pre-installed with a bunch of programs that I couldn’t care less about. One of these was the anti-virus software whose name rhymes with “McAfee Shmantivirus”. On an almost daily basis this piece of s…oftware reminded me that my one-month free trial would soon run out. Today was the last day of the trial, of which I was reminded yet again by a pop-up with panicky flashing messaging.

Well, it’s either The Apocalypse or I need to buy some software!

I had no intention of extending the trial period and merely wanted to uninstall McAfee Ant…the anti-virus software that shall remain unnamed. So I naturally went to the “Uninstall Programs” menu, where I clicked on the anti-virus in an attempt to remove it. Ha, stupid Daniel, trying to do the logical thing. McAfee laughs at your lack of insanity! I was repeatedly prevented from making changes to McAfee products and asked to contact the computer’s administrator. After contacting myself and giving myself the “go ahead”, I still couldn’t perform the necessary uninstall.

Then I decided to just try to install Avira first, so that I’d be covered against viruses when uninstalling McAfee. Avira helpfully pointed out that I had McAfee products on my laptop and asked me whether I’d like its help to remove them. I did. So, Avira tried uninstalling them for me.

Bad idea!

McAfee’s feelings were hurt and, like an upset five-year-old kid going home and taking all the toys with him, McAfee blocked my Internet access. That’s how I ended up in the following catch 22:

1) McAfee was still officially “installed” on my laptop.

2) Avira couldn’t proceed with its own installation until McAfee was removed.

3) When trying to uninstall/delete McAfee files I would get repeated errors, telling me uninstall was impossible.

So now I had two non-functioning anti-virus programs and no way to access the Internet.

Sorry, you’ve experienced a fuck you error. Would you like to go to hell?

Thankfully, I had another computer handy. After a bit of research I learned that McAfee is unanimously hated by anyone trying to uninstall it. Mine was a common problem, which could be solved by downloading and installing a dedicated software called McAfee Consumer Products Removal tool, or MCPR.

Now, to summarize:

1) McAfee is so poorly made that attempting to uninstall it causes known system-wide issues, including loss of Internet access on the PC in question.

2) McAfee released a separate piece of software, the sole purpose of which is to delete their other malfunctioning software.

3) You can download this software for free, provided you have Internet access, which is made slightly more difficult by point 1).

4) Producers of McAfee Antivirus are fucking insane

McAfee Marketing Director presents a new business plan

Luckily, since I had access to a separate PC I was able to download MCPR, copy it to my new laptop and perform a full uninstall. This brought my computer and Internet back to life. I am now able to vent my frustrations on the blog. All is good again.

To anyone considering a McAfee product, may I instead suggest stabbing yourselves repeatedly in the eye with toothpicks instead? At least that way you’ll still have your Internet access!

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Have any of you experienced PC issues lately? What anti-virus software are you using? Do you enjoy stabbing things with toothpicks?